Anonymous
04/21/2017 21:41
Subject: Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
I don't think he's trying to keep you down as much as he's trying to keep everything great for himself.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 21:34
Subject: Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What's up with this misogynistic stuff? It's one thing to push your daughter to play sports or like science over dressing in pink all the time, but does it go beyond that with you or your daughter(s)? And is he aware of that tone from his family of origin?
Separately, if you find you miss working in some capacity, go back to work and get a nanny or au pair! Everyone will be fine.
STEM PhD (and only technical woman on my 40 person SW team). I think it is a mild form of misogyny to call "girly" things like pink and dolls etc silly or a waste of time. I was the girl-iest little girl you could imagine, with more dolls than anyone I know. I also built and launched model rockets in elementary school, and I've literally got a degree in rocket science. Valuing traditionally masculine things as being more substantive or important that traditionally feminine things is sending the message that what's feminine is somehow lesser. It's not. And it is a warning sign of control and anti-female bias if someone feels very strongly about forcing someone not to be girl-y. It's also likely to backfire, from a practical perspective.
OP, I'm fairly surprised that the overwhelming number of responses suggest you shouldn't take classes or are somehow flighty. You supported your family through much of your DH's schooling, so I don't think it's reasonable to suggest that you're irresponsible or don't understand the value of money. Also, I think that people learn things in different ways, and some people do well in structured courses. It doesn't sound like you want to go get another degree, you just want to fill some skill gaps...and maybe even expand your horizons. You don't say it, but given how specific you are about accounting your years in school vs. your DH's, maybe you feel like there is education you've missed out on or that he looks down on you for not having an advanced degree? I don't think it's a good idea to get an advanced degree just because, but taking some classes to help you do something different with your skills, or even just to learn about something new, is not a bad thing. As many have pointed out, I would explore online courses or the offerings at your local community college...the latter might feel better to you since it gives you more adult interaction.
And do keep an eye on your DH's controlling tendencies. I'm a big believer in therapy to talk through these kinds of feeligns, but if that's not for you...find an outlet to explore your feeligns around his treatment of you. Justified or not, you are not feeling good about it...and that's not going to change unless you allow yourself to understand why.
The flip side is that you are saying that wearing pink is somehow the definition of "feminine." I disagree with that.
It's great that you liked dolls and rockets. The reality is the main form of attention a lot of little girls get is around their looks, how pretty they are. There's a huge focus on being pretty and on what they wear. That has a negative effect, even on girls who like rockets as a kid, because it causes them over time to see their most important features (or the things other most define them by) as being tied to their appearance.
You're entire argument assumes it's already settled what the definition of feminine is, what is "girl" stuff and what is "boy" stuff.
Perhaps OP's husband is going to far in the other direction, but I actually think he's wise not to focus on "pretty" with his daughter. OP admitted he is loving toward her.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 21:13
Subject: Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:She never said she wanted to get a graduate degree. She said she wanted to take a few classes in finance, marketing, maybe writing a business plan. ...
There are a gazillion free courses showing you how to write a business plan nowadays, finance, marketing, everything. Try Khan Economy. If OP was serious she would be busy reviewing these courses, writing plans, showing her DH she means business. And then if she really wanted to go to school, explain why the additional schooling would be beneficial.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 21:04
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes. He is trying to keep you down. If he said no to the school did he offer other options. No. So he is trying to keep you in your place so he does not have to work to keep you.
You are turning into his servant instead of his support system.
You should say, "Thanks for your feedback, but I still want to go to college/grad school/whatever".
He will say WE are not doing that with OUR money.
You need your own money.
There is no such thing as "your own money", remember? In a marriage it's always "our money". And if he thinks it is a stupid waste of that money, it is off the table even if you brought the money into the common pool.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 20:54
Subject: Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
She never said she wanted to get a graduate degree. She said she wanted to take a few classes in finance, marketing, maybe writing a business plan. ...
Anonymous
04/21/2017 20:41
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Guarantee you OP would spend a lot on graduate school and either not start the business or her business wouldn't take off. Her husband probably is fully aware of this. There are most likely things in the past OP has pursued and then quit or changed her mind.
+2
If OP said she didn't graduate/finish college and DH didn't want her to get a college degree or that she wanted to back to school for nursing where she absolutely needed specific education to pursue the career and he didn't support it - I would say in those cases he was holding her back.
He said he would support her starting a business. Taking a few classes, getting a business partner, or paying for someone with expertise in certain areas are all possible paths.
+1
Anonymous
04/21/2017 17:20
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
OP, you don't need school to start a business. If you have it in you you will start a business, period. Unless you have a roadmap of what you clearly want and can outline a return on investment for the money you will spend on your education your DH is right.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 17:04
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Guarantee you OP would spend a lot on graduate school and either not start the business or her business wouldn't take off. Her husband probably is fully aware of this. There are most likely things in the past OP has pursued and then quit or changed her mind.
+2
If OP said she didn't graduate/finish college and DH didn't want her to get a college degree or that she wanted to back to school for nursing where she absolutely needed specific education to pursue the career and he didn't support it - I would say in those cases he was holding her back.
He said he would support her starting a business. Taking a few classes, getting a business partner, or paying for someone with expertise in certain areas are all possible paths.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 16:55
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
I think it's partly that his job is inflexible and he doesn't want you rocking the boat, and also he did so much school, he thinks you can get away without it for what you're trying to do.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 16:15
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
You want your own money then divorce him. Half what he has will be yours + you can get child support from him for the kids. The child support money you can use any way you want to. Plus if you argue that you didn't get schooling because you helped him through medical school he might be forced to pay for you to go to school as part of the divorce settlement.
I think you are in a good position. Sounds like you are still young so you can divorce and get those benefits and then find someone better. After you remarry if you want to stay home then the child support and alimony from the first husband is your income so you have your own money.
I think you are in a good position. Sounds like you are still young so you can divorce and get those benefits and then find someone better. After you remarry if you want to stay home then the child support and alimony from the first husband is your income so you have your own money.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 14:33
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes. He is trying to keep you down. If he said no to the school did he offer other options. No. So he is trying to keep you in your place so he does not have to work to keep you.
You are turning into his servant instead of his support system.
You should say, "Thanks for your feedback, but I still want to go to college/grad school/whatever".
He will say WE are not doing that with OUR money.
You need your own money.
+1 - if he gives you that response, OP, tell him you will go back to work to pay for it.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 14:26
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Yes. He is trying to keep you down. If he said no to the school did he offer other options. No. So he is trying to keep you in your place so he does not have to work to keep you.
You are turning into his servant instead of his support system.
You should say, "Thanks for your feedback, but I still want to go to college/grad school/whatever".
He will say WE are not doing that with OUR money.
You need your own money.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 14:23
Subject: Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Very likely school will have no benefit for you. The time and energy and money you put into it will be better invested elsewhere.
An education is never a waste of time
In the real world, it can be. Would I rather be sitting in classes every night to get my master's, or putting my kids to bed?
Doesn't sound to me like OP lives in the real world. She wants to go back to school for a degree that is most likely unnecessary when she has young children because she wants to "start a business" but doesn't have any concrete plans to do so.
My thoughts too and this is probably how her DH is perceiving it. Plus, I assume they are dealing with student loans, debt, and a relatively low HHI - he's been in school for the past 15 years afterall - so I can see why her DH doesn't want OP going to graduate school, etc.
Frankly, given your situation, I don't think DH is "keeping you down", but he's seeing the big picture. And I agree with your DH that going to graduate school isn't a good idea.
OP - instead of graduate school, which is arguably a waste of time and money, consider taking night classes at the community college which is cheaper and more flexble. AND make them pertinent to your start up business - such as Payroll, Accounting, Labor Laws, Book keeping, etc.
Also, what is the business venture? Are we going to see you on Shark Tank anytime soon?
Anonymous
04/21/2017 14:18
Subject: Re:Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Yes. He is trying to keep you down. If he said no to the school did he offer other options. No. So he is trying to keep you in your place so he does not have to work to keep you.
You are turning into his servant instead of his support system.
You should say, "Thanks for your feedback, but I still want to go to college/grad school/whatever".
He will say WE are not doing that with OUR money.
Anonymous
04/21/2017 14:17
Subject: Is DH trying to keep me down, or is he being reasonable?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Very likely school will have no benefit for you. The time and energy and money you put into it will be better invested elsewhere.
An education is never a waste of time
Yes it most certainly can be.
And these days, it very often is a big waste of both time and money.