Anonymous
Post 04/19/2017 16:02     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
OP - this was us, took my mom almost a year to adjust, but now she likes staying there because of the services that we saw she needed but at the time she could not see herself. It is very tough. Get counseling to respond to her.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2017 01:16     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
OP, we just had some family members move into assisted living and the facility said to expect a 30-60 day adjustment period before they'd get over being sad about leaving their home. Actually liking the facility will take longer.

My dad had a similar problem when he moved his mom into AL. She called constantly and was really rude. He answered the first few times per night (she never called him at work) and said "mom, I'd love to talk if you can be kind." And he'd try to have a conversation. He'd hang up if she kept lighting into him and only took 3 calls per night. They also had her evaluated by a psychiatrist and put her on Prozac (there were other issues besides the phone calls). It took a month or two, but she finally stopped calling and screaming at him.

Good luck. This isn't easy.
Anonymous
Post 04/19/2017 00:55     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.


I so wish I had a daughter. My brothers were like your brothers, blocking phone calls. And I have two sons.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 22:24     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can she live with you? I am crying reading this.


OP said she needs medical supervision because she will not take her medicine. It's not something a child can do for a parent. I know what I'm talking about, because I tried it and it was exhausting and unsuccessful. Eventually my mom came to like the facility and a year later everything is going much better. Sometimes you can't have your parents with you, even if you really would like them there.


If she doesn't want to take her medicine she should not be forced to. Adults can make their own decisions.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 19:49     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
I would like to find another assisted living facility that looks less hospital like and has more outdoor activities. Mom loves to walk and garden. I think there are some that are geared for this lifestyle. I think my brother's wanted a quick fix post lengthy hospital stay. Mom hopefully can live another 10 years god willing and living in a hospital setting is just too sad.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 16:13     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.


You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?


Probably the same people who were kids thrown in daycare and went through crying it out methods, when their mom didn't answer their own cries.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 15:39     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the feedback. I am not offended (this is OP) by the criticism as frankly I would have been judgemental until I actually lived what I am going through with mom. FWIW we had tried aids at mom's house but it just didn't work. Very difficult to get trustworthy people and don't believe all the happy commericals. The house was also just too big and overwhelming. I know that she needs assisted living this is not in doubt. I was hoping to get ideas on how long for the transition to work and advice dealing with family who does not agree. My brother's are fine with her place and yes it is clean and safe and it is good to have doctors on staff. Mom definitely needs medical oversight and would not take her medicine left alone. I am hoping to convince siblings and dad. Mom and dad had a late in life separation but dad sees her a few times week. This is one reason that moving her here is a no go as she likes her hometown and seeing dad. We also have jobs that could require a move. Mom's personality is a lot of complaining and has gotten worse with age. I do understand that she doesn't like her circumstances but fighting with someone who thinks they can live in their home is so tiring. Maybe I am venting but again ideas on how to handle. Much appreciated.


She is safe and well cared-for. Moving her closer is not doable. Sounds to me like "stop answering the phone" is the solution.

I'm not clear on what you and the family don't agree about in this situation. She has been moved in. It's a done deal. What more is there to discuss?
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 12:49     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.


You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?


"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.


We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.


I know you wrote this to prove how awesome you are but in reality it's a huge mistake not to have a discussion about this with your spouse, kids (If they are older and would eventually be impacted) and your parents. All of these people may have ideas that are very different from you and who knows your parents might prefer a different living arrangement.

I have a friend who was much like you and just assumed when her elderly grandmother needed round the clock care that it would be a no brainer for her to move in with their family. Even though she had voiced this idea over the years and her DH nodded his head and went along with it, when push came to shove, her DH said no way and he was not up to the task of having her live with them. i
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 12:36     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:Thank you for all the feedback. I am not offended (this is OP) by the criticism as frankly I would have been judgemental until I actually lived what I am going through with mom. FWIW we had tried aids at mom's house but it just didn't work. Very difficult to get trustworthy people and don't believe all the happy commericals. The house was also just too big and overwhelming. I know that she needs assisted living this is not in doubt. I was hoping to get ideas on how long for the transition to work and advice dealing with family who does not agree. My brother's are fine with her place and yes it is clean and safe and it is good to have doctors on staff. Mom definitely needs medical oversight and would not take her medicine left alone. I am hoping to convince siblings and dad. Mom and dad had a late in life separation but dad sees her a few times week. This is one reason that moving her here is a no go as she likes her hometown and seeing dad. We also have jobs that could require a move. Mom's personality is a lot of complaining and has gotten worse with age. I do understand that she doesn't like her circumstances but fighting with someone who thinks they can live in their home is so tiring. Maybe I am venting but again ideas on how to handle. Much appreciated.


Some it just isn't yours to handle -- she needs to accept that this is where she'll be living and that it she would be happier if she tried to find things to like -- activities, other residents, whatever.

Are there concrete problems that you *could* help address? A friend's mother was unhappy about how long it took staff to answer her calls, so a couple of days a week, she hired an aide who would take her places, play cards with her, or just keep her company. My friend also visited pretty regularly, and for a while they had projects to make her room/apartment nicer: getting a chair reupholstered, figuring out which pictures to hang and getting them framed, going through photos and putting them in albums that were small enough that her mother could handle them herself.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 12:31     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
To the poster whose mom cared for grandma for 4 years. Lets be clear, your mom did this, not you. You are very arrogant to think its that easy. Your grandma probably wasn't that severe. I tried to take care of my MIL with moderate dementia in my home. It was a nightmare. She basically functioned worse than a 2 year old and could not shower, could not remember to eat, had no idea how to use a phone, etc. She could not be left home alone so my child could not go to preschool or her therapies because of safety issues. Its very easy to say I'd never do it till you are a full time care giver. Also, my MIL turned very mean and was very abusive to me and my child. She didn't do it on purpose but it was the dementia. She's been in a nursing home for 4 years and is very healthy. She could easily be there for many more years. You are young and don't get it.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 12:19     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:My mother had dementia at 79 and her SO died revealing her symptoms. She was prey for everyone who needed money in town because they saw the decline.She needed a bit of help with grocery shopping, taking meds, going to doctors appointments etc. She was angry and sad to leave her home, but a year after going to assisted living she made friends, loved the food, enjoyed a smaller space etc. You possibly feel that you moved her too soon, but your timing was perfect. You should think about moving her closer to you since your brothers are selfish with their time.


OP, we had a variant of this. Our dad died and our mother's challenges became even more acute. Unfortunately, she also has a personality disorder and that made making any changes very difficult (in addition to limited income). I have teens and she could not live with us as she can be very hard on our DD. An unexpected turn of events enabled us to have her admitted to an aging community where she joined a memory care unit. Took a bit for adjustment, but believe she now senses that this is a safe space for her.

As other PPs asked, can she move closer to you?
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 11:53     Subject: Re:Mom not happy in assisted living
OP, I'm not going to read through all the responses, so someone may have suggested this.

Find out what social activities the center offers, bingo, reading groups, outings. . . Help your mom sign up for some, maybe do some with her, know the schedule so you can ask her if she did "such & such" today in the activity room. Try to visit her at meal times so you can sit at the table with her & others to get to know them. Have set times you visit & talk on the phone, don't answer the phone other times.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 11:41     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Thank you for all the feedback. I am not offended (this is OP) by the criticism as frankly I would have been judgemental until I actually lived what I am going through with mom. FWIW we had tried aids at mom's house but it just didn't work. Very difficult to get trustworthy people and don't believe all the happy commericals. The house was also just too big and overwhelming. I know that she needs assisted living this is not in doubt. I was hoping to get ideas on how long for the transition to work and advice dealing with family who does not agree. My brother's are fine with her place and yes it is clean and safe and it is good to have doctors on staff. Mom definitely needs medical oversight and would not take her medicine left alone. I am hoping to convince siblings and dad. Mom and dad had a late in life separation but dad sees her a few times week. This is one reason that moving her here is a no go as she likes her hometown and seeing dad. We also have jobs that could require a move. Mom's personality is a lot of complaining and has gotten worse with age. I do understand that she doesn't like her circumstances but fighting with someone who thinks they can live in their home is so tiring. Maybe I am venting but again ideas on how to handle. Much appreciated.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 11:38     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.


You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?


"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.


We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.


You have never done this in any real way. You have NO idea how hard it is. You have NO idea that for many people it is impossible to take care of a person who needs 24/7 care for every aspect of their daily living tasks for years and years on end. None. You are clue-free.


+1. PP here who got my mother the transitional counseling. I agree. I think that PP is underestimating the responsibility it takes to care for someone who needs around the clock care. We all love our parents and we are doing them a disservice if we don't make sure they have the best care that we can afford. If you are a working parent, you simply CANNOT give an elder the care they need.

I do not agree with all the advice about blocking calls and such. That is cruel to me. But I will do all in my power (and have done it) to make sure my mother is in a place that meets her every need and gives her great care. And I visit all the time.
Anonymous
Post 04/18/2017 10:10     Subject: Mom not happy in assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We moved my mom kicking and screaming. I did not like the place my brother chose but I was overruled. Now I get seriously 50 calls a day of complaining. Going home is a no go. She need medical supervision as she doesn't like medicine and it is necessary. What to do? I feel so guilty but I know she cannot live on her own. My brothers just block her calls and go on with life. I am exhausted and drive up and back once a week to see her (three hours each way). She is not trying to make friends. Just complains. Other people in this situation and what to do? Living with me not an option for my own sanity as is moving her here.


You need to do what your brothers do: block her calls when you need a break. Visit her when you feel you can tolerate her complaining.

This is awful! Send mom to assisted living and then block her calls?!? Who are you people? I don't have much advice, but are there geriatric specialists in counseling that could help?


"Who are you people?"

I know who you are. Someone who doesn't have a parent in assisted living or living with them. Your patience with dear old mom would erode to zero over the course of a single day.

If you are not in this boat, STFU, you have nothing to say, you are as bad as people with no kids giving parenting advice.


We are the people who love their families. My mom took a sick grandmother to live with us in a small house for 4 year, and we all was taking care of her. I will take my mom or dad to live with me when they will need care. This is not even discussed. I also took care of my aunt who was not walking when I was in college. I know it is hard. But it is heartless to leave your parent or grandparent in the assisted living.


You have never done this in any real way. You have NO idea how hard it is. You have NO idea that for many people it is impossible to take care of a person who needs 24/7 care for every aspect of their daily living tasks for years and years on end. None. You are clue-free.