I don't think you "owe" her anything, but I can kind of see her point - she's feeling left out compared to the other grandmas to whom she's related because she doesn't have a daughter. Is she generally good company? If not for the "seeing your lady parts at their worst" thing, would you be comfortable having her in there?

If she agrees to stay up near your head, I think it's worth considering her request.

(My ex and I had already split up by the time I had our daughter, but he was in the room with me and he stayed up near my head - I think he knew it might be weird for me if he was seeing my vagina after we were no longer together.)

You do not need to worry about anyone's feelings! You have enough on your plate with the birthing of the baby. Anyone who would help you there can be there, but if it causes you stress, absolutely not.

I only had DH and the nurses/doctors. There is no way I would have wanted any friends or family members there.

There are a great many things I will never get to see in life. Oh well. You most certainly do not owe your MIL the chance to see you totally naked, pooping, bleeding while your vagina gets ripped open. It boggles my mind that anyone would pressure a woman to be present for that. She can meet the baby the next day

Anonymous wrote:I think this trend of grandmas in the delivery room needs to die out. Not just no mils no mommy mamas either. Time to grow up millennials and gen xers

Why do you give a shit? I mean, really, what is it to you who someone chooses to have in the delivery room with them? It's some kind of mark of maturity to give birth on your own?

And it's hardly a "trend." Some people do it, some don't, but for most of human history and still all over the world, women assist their female relatives during childbirth.

I'd have her visit sooner, but not have her in the room during the actual delivery. It's very private and you don't owe anybody. The fact that she's a nurse and thinks she could be helpful is making me twitch b/c she could step on YOUR nurses' toes.

My mom was not present in any of her grandkids' birth and didn't make peep about it. I also threw up when my second was born and was stripped completely. I would not want my mom or MIL present for that.

Even if you decide not to let her in the delivery room you need to stop favoring your mother as the supreme grandma it really isn't okay

Why do people want to see this??? I mean, it's interesting in theory, but I would never ask to see a delivery, especially not of my son's wife delivering my grandchild. It is totally okay to say no. She had all boys, and that's just how it is. Sorry, fate.

As for being the "second tier grandma," I don't think this is generally okay. You don't need to ask for or take her advice, but I do think you need to be mindful that you are including her in everything just as you would your own mom -- as long as it relates to your children and not to you. Do you need to call her and complain about how hard things are going for you? No, of course not. If you'd do that with your mom, go ahead and keep doing it (I wouldn't, but some people do). On the other hand, if you're going to have your kids make crafts to send to your mom, you should do it for your MIL at least as much of the time. If they talk on the phone or Skype with your mom, they should with MIL, too. Etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

If it helps, you can always be generous and say yes - with the possibility that you deliver before she can make it.

You also mentioned that previously, you said MIL was asked not to visit until 24-36 hours later. Maybe let her sit in the waiting room and come in sooner. That would probably go a long way in terms of throwing her a bone.

OP here. I am honestly considering going this route and maybe lying a little bit on the timing. Like maybe encourage her to leave for the hospital when Im basically pushing her out or something. Ugh. Just want to protect everyones feelings.

The only feelings you need to protect are YOUR OWN and the BABY'S, OP. I hope you realize that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By burdening you with this request and these "reasons," by putting this pressure on you, MIL has already proven that she cannot put you and your needs as a patient FIRST during the birth experience.

Just. Say. No.

Excellent logic. If a person asks a sensitive question, the automatic answer is No. Because.

Are you really this stupid? OP makes it clear in the ***original post*** that she is uncomfortable with the thought of MIL being there and that she doesn't want MIL there.

"Would you mind if I was in the room?" is a fine question.

"Would you let me be in the room, because I only have sons, and feel left out, and am only 'second-fiddle grandma,' and I'm a nurse, so it's fine," is NOT a fine question.

It's not like OP is on the fence about her own comfort level; what she's on the fence about is whether to capitulate to this overbearing woman.

I think this trend of grandmas in the delivery room needs to die out. Not just no mils no mommy mamas either. Time to grow up millennials and gen xers

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

If it helps, you can always be generous and say yes - with the possibility that you deliver before she can make it.

You also mentioned that previously, you said MIL was asked not to visit until 24-36 hours later. Maybe let her sit in the waiting room and come in sooner. That would probably go a long way in terms of throwing her a bone.

OP here. I am honestly considering going this route and maybe lying a little bit on the timing. Like maybe encourage her to leave for the hospital when Im basically pushing her out or something. Ugh. Just want to protect everyones feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

I think what I'm stuck on in your title question is the choice of the word 'owe'. Heck no, you don't 'owe' her anything, and especially not something as personal as being in the delivery room. It seems like you're willing to consider it for other reasons (mostly that you like her, you understand (and aren't annoyed) with the reasons behind her request, and you aren't sure if it will bother you that she's there). But you do not OWE her this by any means.

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

If it helps, you can always be generous and say yes - with the possibility that you deliver before she can make it.

You also mentioned that previously, you said MIL was asked not to visit until 24-36 hours later. Maybe let her sit in the waiting room and come in sooner. That would probably go a long way in terms of throwing her a bone.

Op here. Honestly its interesting to see its basically a split decision. I can also kinda go either way on it. Its annoying to me how much this is weighing on me and I just want to make up my mind. Thanks for everyone who has weighed in. Im 35 weeks tomorrow so I will just mull it over for a few weeks I guess.

I'm sure her own MIL was not in the room while she labored and gave birth. She asked, but you can answer however you like.

I'm like this too and i had my mom in the delivery room for all 3 of my births. I think if she's a nurse or was a nurse that would be valuable. I had a friend of mine at the birth of my third who is a PA and i had her there for 2 reasons. She's a medical professional and she can operate a camera. Both of which came in handy when I had questions I didn't or couldn't bug the nurses with and of course when I wanted pictures. I could not trust my mom to operate anything remotely technologically advanced. The third time though I felt like everyone had seen it all and I knew my friend had seen way worse so honestly it was no big deal.

I'm probably in the minority on this one but I say if it is her last chance please consider her for her knowledge and maybe it's something both grandmas can be present for.