Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Does he have any right to be upset when I ask him to buy things for my niece? When we were shopping the other day, he was shopping for himself and while he was at the register I added two more items for her. He got mad at me afterwards. The same thing happened last week while we were at the grocery store. I felt a little attacked.

If money is an issue, then he definitely has a reason to be upset. You feel attacked? How much money are you earning, if you are earning plenty and using that, then spend the money. Quite frankly, he would have no reason to get upset if money was not an issue, but it clearly must be.

Male here (who pays the lion share of expenses in our relationship w/ wife in grad school, and is generally happy to do so)--sometimes purchases like this are kind of a matter of principle. We are comfortable but not rolling in dough...we have everything we need, and most things we want (within reason...both drive 10+ y/o cars, kitchen isn't updated etc.). If DW says "I was thinking we should get that new blender for our smoothies" sometimes I'll say back in jest "Keep saving your pennies and we can get it in a few months." It's not that we can't afford it, it's that it's not really a necessity and we don't need it right now, and I don't feel like dropping $150 bucks on the blender.

Before going shopping he may have said to himself "I'm going to get a couple of things for me, hopefully spending under $100" and then the two baby items sprung on at the register pushed the total to $130. As a matter of principle, that could be annoying. Also, you've referenced two of these events in the last two weeks (grocery store and shopping for himself)...he may just be getting annoying about things frequently getting sprung on him at the register.

Dude. It's a onesie. Not a Bently!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're paycheck to paycheck, not sure wh6 he'd be bitching about you getting outfits for your niece. I'd never let dh get away with that bs. I have 3 nephews and buy what I want for them.

YOU buy what you want for them. That is fine. But, if the DH is at the store to buy a couple of things for himself, and DW, without asking, just plops two items on the counter, that would piss me off. It is a principle. First, she didn't even discuss it or ask. She just put it on the register, assuming that I would pay for it and also, putting me in a position where I can't say no because it was already sprung on me at the register.

Buy your family whatever you want, but use your money for that nonsense.

Is it one and the same person posting this, or do all of you have separate accounts/financial lives with your spouses? Surprised at the amount of "you buy for yours" and "he shops for himself."

There are a few different reasons why OP's DH could be justifiably annoyed with OP plopping a couple items on the register while he's buying stuff:

1. Their finances are separate
2. They are on a budget and not supposed to make spontaneous purchases, even on $5 onesies.
3. DH thinks it's rude that OP would plop some things into his purchase w/o any word
4. OP probably has bought niece a bunch of sh*t already and DH is thinking "that's enough"
5. DH is fed up with OP's obsession with her niece and/or her family as evinced in that moment by the onesies on the counter

As to #3, my DH would not be annoyed by this at all, but he has his own idiosyncratic pet peeves and maybe this is one of OP's DH's. Of the five, my guess based on how clueless and mental OP sounds are #4 and #5.

This is a great way to word all of the issues.

Personally, I think that OP's DH is just tired of the extreme nature of the relationship she has with her family, and it is being manifested in "blow ups" over small things. OP needs to understand that there is a bigger issue and that not all people are going to react to family in the same way. Especially a family that isn't theirs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're paycheck to paycheck, not sure wh6 he'd be bitching about you getting outfits for your niece. I'd never let dh get away with that bs. I have 3 nephews and buy what I want for them.

YOU buy what you want for them. That is fine. But, if the DH is at the store to buy a couple of things for himself, and DW, without asking, just plops two items on the counter, that would piss me off. It is a principle. First, she didn't even discuss it or ask. She just put it on the register, assuming that I would pay for it and also, putting me in a position where I can't say no because it was already sprung on me at the register.

Buy your family whatever you want, but use your money for that nonsense.

Is it one and the same person posting this, or do all of you have separate accounts/financial lives with your spouses? Surprised at the amount of "you buy for yours" and "he shops for himself."

There are a few different reasons why OP's DH could be justifiably annoyed with OP plopping a couple items on the register while he's buying stuff:

1. Their finances are separate
2. They are on a budget and not supposed to make spontaneous purchases, even on $5 onesies.
3. DH thinks it's rude that OP would plop some things into his purchase w/o any word
4. OP probably has bought niece a bunch of sh*t already and DH is thinking "that's enough"
5. DH is fed up with OP's obsession with her niece and/or her family as evinced in that moment by the onesies on the counter

As to #3, my DH would not be annoyed by this at all, but he has his own idiosyncratic pet peeves and maybe this is one of OP's DH's. Of the five, my guess based on how clueless and mental OP sounds are #4 and #5.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're paycheck to paycheck, not sure wh6 he'd be bitching about you getting outfits for your niece. I'd never let dh get away with that bs. I have 3 nephews and buy what I want for them.

YOU buy what you want for them. That is fine. But, if the DH is at the store to buy a couple of things for himself, and DW, without asking, just plops two items on the counter, that would piss me off. It is a principle. First, she didn't even discuss it or ask. She just put it on the register, assuming that I would pay for it and also, putting me in a position where I can't say no because it was already sprung on me at the register.

Buy your family whatever you want, but use your money for that nonsense.

Is it one and the same person posting this, or do all of you have separate accounts/financial lives with your spouses? Surprised at the amount of "you buy for yours" and "he shops for himself."

Anonymous wrote:I have an almost one-year old baby niece who I adore. However, DH couldn't care less about her. He doesn't hold her or hug her when near her. He got mad at me the other day while we were out shopping at Macy's and I put a onesie at the register for her when he was paying. My family is very important to me and I'm very close with them, I see my family probably 2-3 times a week and talk to them often on the phone. When I show him pictures of her he may smile but doesn't really seem to care. DH comes over to my parents house maybe once a week and seems to enjoy himself but he doesn't seem to get nearly as excited as I do ...

I honestly feel embarrassed when i'm holding my niece and DH just kind of looks the other way, he makes excuses for not wanting to hold her. Is there any way to make him more engaged? I feel as if he's coming off as rude to my family.

We don't have kids yet. I've asked him about it and got upset because I felt like he just didn't care about my family. He said he would be more interested in his own children - not other peoples. I don't know if this is acceptable to me or not ...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not too into non blood family members either. He is literally not related to her-why would he care?

She's a baby. She's young and cute. He's a human being. Presumably.

Refusal to have anything with a baby your wife obviously cares about is weird. Not paying for the onesie? Come on. I can't believe people are saying it's normal. I must be from another planet or some shit. Call me a hag, but I can't imagine tolerating fussing at the cash register, because DH doesn't want to pay for something. Asshole.

It's probably not about paying for the 5 dollar onsie. It's probably the idea that the guys wife just puts shit up on the register when he is trying to check out and just expects him to pay or it. It's an entitled attitude. This DW expects her husband to feel the way she feels, want the things she wants, and pay for the things she wants, and when he doesn't do it, she thinks he doesn't have the RIGHT to feel a certain way.

She sees her family 2-3 times a week, and he goes with her once a week - she said he seems to enjoy himself - but doesn't get as excited as she does and that embarrasses her - which is total bullshit. How many posts on DCUM about people who hate their ILs - this guy goes to see them once a week, enjoys himself, but she is pissed because he doesn't seem to be as excited as she is - OF COURSE HE ISN'T - it's not his family - but at least he is putting in the effort.

DW seems like a nightmare to be with, with her insane expectations and her selfish, entitled attitude. DH isn't complaining about buying a onsie, he is sick and tired of his crazy wife.

I see this completely differently. A woman is stuck with a man with issues. He clearly can't relate to others. He sounds stingy and generally unpleasant to be around. That is aside from how he feels about his wife's family etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not too into non blood family members either. He is literally not related to her-why would he care?

She's a baby. She's young and cute. He's a human being. Presumably.

Refusal to have anything with a baby your wife obviously cares about is weird. Not paying for the onesie? Come on. I can't believe people are saying it's normal. I must be from another planet or some shit. Call me a hag, but I can't imagine tolerating fussing at the cash register, because DH doesn't want to pay for something. Asshole.

It's probably not about paying for the 5 dollar onsie. It's probably the idea that the guys wife just puts shit up on the register when he is trying to check out and just expects him to pay or it. It's an entitled attitude. This DW expects her husband to feel the way she feels, want the things she wants, and pay for the things she wants, and when he doesn't do it, she thinks he doesn't have the RIGHT to feel a certain way.

She sees her family 2-3 times a week, and he goes with her once a week - she said he seems to enjoy himself - but doesn't get as excited as she does and that embarrasses her - which is total bullshit. How many posts on DCUM about people who hate their ILs - this guy goes to see them once a week, enjoys himself, but she is pissed because he doesn't seem to be as excited as she is - OF COURSE HE ISN'T - it's not his family - but at least he is putting in the effort.

DW seems like a nightmare to be with, with her insane expectations and her selfish, entitled attitude. DH isn't complaining about buying a onsie, he is sick and tired of his crazy wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not too into non blood family members either. He is literally not related to her-why would he care?

She's a baby. She's young and cute. He's a human being. Presumably.

Refusal to have anything with a baby your wife obviously cares about is weird. Not paying for the onesie? Come on. I can't believe people are saying it's normal. I must be from another planet or some shit. Call me a hag, but I can't imagine tolerating fussing at the cash register, because DH doesn't want to pay for something. Asshole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're paycheck to paycheck, not sure wh6 he'd be bitching about you getting outfits for your niece. I'd never let dh get away with that bs. I have 3 nephews and buy what I want for them.

YOU buy what you want for them. That is fine. But, if the DH is at the store to buy a couple of things for himself, and DW, without asking, just plops two items on the counter, that would piss me off. It is a principle. First, she didn't even discuss it or ask. She just put it on the register, assuming that I would pay for it and also, putting me in a position where I can't say no because it was already sprung on me at the register.

Buy your family whatever you want, but use your money for that nonsense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Does he have any right to be upset when I ask him to buy things for my niece? When we were shopping the other day, he was shopping for himself and while he was at the register I added two more items for her. He got mad at me afterwards. The same thing happened last week while we were at the grocery store. I felt a little attacked.

If money is an issue, then he definitely has a reason to be upset. You feel attacked? How much money are you earning, if you are earning plenty and using that, then spend the money. Quite frankly, he would have no reason to get upset if money was not an issue, but it clearly must be.

Male here (who pays the lion share of expenses in our relationship w/ wife in grad school, and is generally happy to do so)--sometimes purchases like this are kind of a matter of principle. We are comfortable but not rolling in dough...we have everything we need, and most things we want (within reason...both drive 10+ y/o cars, kitchen isn't updated etc.). If DW says "I was thinking we should get that new blender for our smoothies" sometimes I'll say back in jest "Keep saving your pennies and we can get it in a few months." It's not that we can't afford it, it's that it's not really a necessity and we don't need it right now, and I don't feel like dropping $150 bucks on the blender.

Before going shopping he may have said to himself "I'm going to get a couple of things for me, hopefully spending under $100" and then the two baby items sprung on at the register pushed the total to $130. As a matter of principle, that could be annoying. Also, you've referenced two of these events in the last two weeks (grocery store and shopping for himself)...he may just be getting annoying about things frequently getting sprung on him at the register.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not too into non blood family members either. He is literally not related to her-why would he care?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you're paycheck to paycheck, not sure wh6 he'd be bitching about you getting outfits for your niece. I'd never let dh get away with that bs. I have 3 nephews and buy what I want for them.

I love all the DCUM hags who come out of the wood work talking about what they won't let their husbands get away with... You're probably the same hags who are posting later about how their DH's are having affairs and want divorces.

Not at all. I just don't see what the damn deal is. If he puts down itebs in checkout himself, whatever. Why get angry over something minuscule?

Based on how the OP comes off, I bet there is a lot more to it than what she said.

First, she comes off as entitled and selfish. Her putting items at check out - as a husband - I would feel ambushed. She didn't even ask if it as okay, just EXPECTED that I would pay for it. He's probably pissed because this is just her general attitude and he is probably sick of it.

She also asks if he has the RIGHT to be pissed about something, which also indicates her mindset and who she is as a person. If it's not HER way, than something is wrong and the other person doesn't have the right to feel differently about something.

While, the OP has only brought up a couple of examples, I am willing to bet that the DH is just sick and tired of her entitled, selfish attitude and these examples are indicative of a bigger problem.

If they have joint finances, he really doesn't have a reason to be mad about OP buying small gifts for her niece. It's all the other issues OP mentioned - she spends TONS of time with her family, often without DH; she resents him for not being as interested in her niece as she is; she doesn't respect his right to have his own feelings and reactions towards her family, basically - that are the real problem.