Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my teens. When he left my mom to support him while he traveled for his dreams, left us to deal with her addiction, and then did minor stuff like skipping all my graduations because he was busy networking elsewhere. Wish my mom had left him 30 years ago.

This is my point exactly - to all those people out there staying with spouses for the sake of the kids -

Your kids aren't stupid. They are extremely perceptive. They understand what is going on - no matter how hard you try to pretend that it's okay - it's not.

You are actually doing more harm than good.

For all you women out there - be an example of a strong, independent woman, who doesn't depend on a man - so that your daughters can have the same mindset one day and not be trapped in miserable marriages like you were.

Have the strength and courage to figure out a way to live on your own and leave these bad marriages for the sake of your children - who have to witness the dysfunction and the dead look in mommy's eyes as she eeks out a miserable existence "for the sake of the kids".

Stop telling yourself you are doing something strong for the sake of the kids. You are actually doing something weak for the sake of yourself.

Said the spineless wimp who walked out on his/her marriage because it was easier than staying and trying to work it out. And now feels s/he has to justify her own lack of backbone by tearing into Internet strangers.

Wow, way to show us you're a big girl anonymously!

You, my dear, are a complete f'ing loser.

[quote=Anonymous]

Unhinged? God - another DCUM troll - why do you all use the word unhinged? You would think that you could find something original.

As for your post - really? You come off like a person who took this a little personally, because you are trying to justify staying in a bad marriage and rationalized it by saying to yourself that you were doing it for your child.

I feel bad for your kid.

Actually - PP did say that her marriage was dysfunctional - not the father's relationship with the kids - she said that her marriage was dysfunctional, and as a result, her kids might hate their father, and also her.

So, if you could actually understand what you read, instead of falling all over your own guilt, you might ascertain that mommy and daddy fight a lot, and as a result, kids don't like either of them.

So, hey, way to try and justify that nonsense.

I feel so sorry for kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes and they only get to witness the very worst of relationships and they grow up with the idea that relationships are about yelling, and fighting, and hate. It takes so much for these children to overcome what they were raised with and figure out on their own how to have healthy, happy, relationships.[/quote]


DCUM troll repertoire:
"I feel bad for your kid"? Check
"You have reading comprehension problems"? Check
"My post really got to you, didn't it, huh, didn't it, please tell me I got under your skin???" Check
Overheated bullying (aka "unhinged")? Check

Go away troll. And stopping dispensing crappy so-called "advice" on the internet to people you don't know, some of whom apparently disagree that sharing custody with a narcissist/sociopath/general screw-up, who the kids now have to deal with for days at a time all by themselves, is "best" for the kids. Damn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

I can see why you have a dysfunctional relationship. You are hypersensitive and/or have a martyr complex.

The PP did not say ANYTHING about it being your fault. But - since you're the one on here saying that the kids hate their father - the PP was saying that YOU should try to mend the relationship the kids have with their father so that the kids can have a healthy relationship with their father. Also - instead of saying that you stay for the kids - or whatever ridiculous excuse you want to come up with - you should LEAVE.

You have a self-admitted dysfunctional family. What you are doing right now - is modeling to your children - that this is OKAY. That the family dynamic that they see is OKAY - and it is NOT. Your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship. They deserve to see a relationship where two people love each other, know how to communicate, and have a good relationship.

SHAME ON YOU!

Stop, you are shaming this women and you have no idea what you are talking about.

I don't know this woman. But I am taking her words.

She states - we have a dysfunctional family and I am worried that the kids hate their father and possibly me... That is what she said.

Any parent that is worried that their kids hate them both, because of the dysfunction that they bring into their home - are shameful. I don't care what the situation is.

I am so tired of hearing about people talking about how they stay for the kids.

That is a cop out. It's bullshit.

If you truly cared about the kids - you would want to set an example that will allow them to have healthy, happy relationships in their own adult lives.

NP. Agree that you need to stop now. You know zip about this woman and her marriage.

Just because top PP isn't spilling her marital woes to you doesn't mean she isn't making the best calls she can. Like you, I don't know PP's situation, but I can imagine reasons why she stays. I was in a similar situation. I stayed in a bad marriage because I knew the law would give XDH equal custody and I feared that XDH would continue to mentally abuse our son in ways that would have been impossible to document in court to the extent necessary to get full custody. Two years after DH left, I have to practically force (in a friendly, non-judgy way, of course) the kids to spend any time at all with him. But XDH's awful relationship with the kids is not my fault, it's his fault, and I can't "fix" it just by saying "nice things about him." Just like how PP can say good things about her DH but she can't fix her DH's relationship with his kids if he's not changing his own behavior to them.

Your commands and demands on her show both your arrogance and your ignorance about her situation. As an aside, your cursing and overuse of caps, and your obvious hyper-sensitivity to PP's criticism, make you seem just a little unhinged.

Unhinged? God - another DCUM troll - why do you all use the word unhinged? You would think that you could find something original.

As for your post - really? You come off like a person who took this a little personally, because you are trying to justify staying in a bad marriage and rationalized it by saying to yourself that you were doing it for your child.

I feel bad for your kid.

Actually - PP did say that her marriage was dysfunctional - not the father's relationship with the kids - she said that her marriage was dysfunctional, and as a result, her kids might hate their father, and also her.

So, if you could actually understand what you read, instead of falling all over your own guilt, you might ascertain that mommy and daddy fight a lot, and as a result, kids don't like either of them.

So, hey, way to try and justify that nonsense.

I feel so sorry for kids who grow up in dysfunctional homes and they only get to witness the very worst of relationships and they grow up with the idea that relationships are about yelling, and fighting, and hate. It takes so much for these children to overcome what they were raised with and figure out on their own how to have healthy, happy, relationships.

Anonymous wrote:In my teens. When he left my mom to support him while he traveled for his dreams, left us to deal with her addiction, and then did minor stuff like skipping all my graduations because he was busy networking elsewhere. Wish my mom had left him 30 years ago.

This is my point exactly - to all those people out there staying with spouses for the sake of the kids -

Your kids aren't stupid. They are extremely perceptive. They understand what is going on - no matter how hard you try to pretend that it's okay - it's not.

You are actually doing more harm than good.

For all you women out there - be an example of a strong, independent woman, who doesn't depend on a man - so that your daughters can have the same mindset one day and not be trapped in miserable marriages like you were.

Have the strength and courage to figure out a way to live on your own and leave these bad marriages for the sake of your children - who have to witness the dysfunction and the dead look in mommy's eyes as she eeks out a miserable existence "for the sake of the kids".

Stop telling yourself you are doing something strong for the sake of the kids. You are actually doing something weak for the sake of yourself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

I can see why you have a dysfunctional relationship. You are hypersensitive and/or have a martyr complex.

The PP did not say ANYTHING about it being your fault. But - since you're the one on here saying that the kids hate their father - the PP was saying that YOU should try to mend the relationship the kids have with their father so that the kids can have a healthy relationship with their father. Also - instead of saying that you stay for the kids - or whatever ridiculous excuse you want to come up with - you should LEAVE.

You have a self-admitted dysfunctional family. What you are doing right now - is modeling to your children - that this is OKAY. That the family dynamic that they see is OKAY - and it is NOT. Your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship. They deserve to see a relationship where two people love each other, know how to communicate, and have a good relationship.

SHAME ON YOU!

Stop, you are shaming this women and you have no idea what you are talking about.

I don't know this woman. But I am taking her words.

She states - we have a dysfunctional family and I am worried that the kids hate their father and possibly me... That is what she said.

Any parent that is worried that their kids hate them both, because of the dysfunction that they bring into their home - are shameful. I don't care what the situation is.

I am so tired of hearing about people talking about how they stay for the kids.

That is a cop out. It's bullshit.

If you truly cared about the kids - you would want to set an example that will allow them to have healthy, happy relationships in their own adult lives.

NP. Agree that you need to stop now. You know zip about this woman and her marriage.

Just because top PP isn't spilling her marital woes to you doesn't mean she isn't making the best calls she can. Like you, I don't know PP's situation, but I can imagine reasons why she stays. I was in a similar situation. I stayed in a bad marriage because I knew the law would give XDH equal custody and I feared that XDH would continue to mentally abuse our son in ways that would have been impossible to document in court to the extent necessary to get full custody. Two years after DH left, I have to practically force (in a friendly, non-judgy way, of course) the kids to spend any time at all with him. But XDH's awful relationship with the kids is not my fault, it's his fault, and I can't "fix" it just by saying "nice things about him." Just like how PP can say good things about her DH but she can't fix her DH's relationship with his kids if he's not changing his own behavior to them.

Your commands and demands on her show both your arrogance and your ignorance about her situation. As an aside, your cursing and overuse of caps, and your obvious hyper-sensitivity to PP's criticism, make you seem just a little unhinged.

Actually, if you didn't have a reading comprehension problem, as well as the same problem as PP, then you might actually be worth trying to have a conversation with.

However, you are just another weak woman who decided to stay in a bad marriage, and find some excuse as to why you did it.

Not too much to discuss.

Just find a way to admit that you were a low self-esteem woman who stayed in a crappy marriage and you didn't do it for the sake of the kids.

In my teens. When he left my mom to support him while he traveled for his dreams, left us to deal with her addiction, and then did minor stuff like skipping all my graduations because he was busy networking elsewhere. Wish my mom had left him 30 years ago.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

I can see why you have a dysfunctional relationship. You are hypersensitive and/or have a martyr complex.

The PP did not say ANYTHING about it being your fault. But - since you're the one on here saying that the kids hate their father - the PP was saying that YOU should try to mend the relationship the kids have with their father so that the kids can have a healthy relationship with their father. Also - instead of saying that you stay for the kids - or whatever ridiculous excuse you want to come up with - you should LEAVE.

You have a self-admitted dysfunctional family. What you are doing right now - is modeling to your children - that this is OKAY. That the family dynamic that they see is OKAY - and it is NOT. Your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship. They deserve to see a relationship where two people love each other, know how to communicate, and have a good relationship.

SHAME ON YOU!

Stop, you are shaming this women and you have no idea what you are talking about.

I don't know this woman. But I am taking her words.

She states - we have a dysfunctional family and I am worried that the kids hate their father and possibly me... That is what she said.

Any parent that is worried that their kids hate them both, because of the dysfunction that they bring into their home - are shameful. I don't care what the situation is.

I am so tired of hearing about people talking about how they stay for the kids.

That is a cop out. It's bullshit.

If you truly cared about the kids - you would want to set an example that will allow them to have healthy, happy relationships in their own adult lives.

NP. Agree that you need to stop now. You know zip about this woman and her marriage.

Just because top PP isn't spilling her marital woes to you doesn't mean she isn't making the best calls she can. Like you, I don't know PP's situation, but I can imagine reasons why she stays. I was in a similar situation. I stayed in a bad marriage because I knew the law would give XDH equal custody and I feared that XDH would continue to mentally abuse our son in ways that would have been impossible to document in court to the extent necessary to get full custody. Two years after DH left, I have to practically force (in a friendly, non-judgy way, of course) the kids to spend any time at all with him. But XDH's awful relationship with the kids is not my fault, it's his fault, and I can't "fix" it just by saying "nice things about him." Just like how PP can say good things about her DH but she can't fix her DH's relationship with his kids if he's not changing his own behavior to them.

Your commands and demands on her show both your arrogance and your ignorance about her situation. As an aside, your cursing and overuse of caps, and your obvious hyper-sensitivity to PP's criticism, make you seem just a little unhinged.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

I can see why you have a dysfunctional relationship. You are hypersensitive and/or have a martyr complex.

The PP did not say ANYTHING about it being your fault. But - since you're the one on here saying that the kids hate their father - the PP was saying that YOU should try to mend the relationship the kids have with their father so that the kids can have a healthy relationship with their father. Also - instead of saying that you stay for the kids - or whatever ridiculous excuse you want to come up with - you should LEAVE.

You have a self-admitted dysfunctional family. What you are doing right now - is modeling to your children - that this is OKAY. That the family dynamic that they see is OKAY - and it is NOT. Your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship. They deserve to see a relationship where two people love each other, know how to communicate, and have a good relationship.

SHAME ON YOU!

Stop, you are shaming this women and you have no idea what you are talking about.

I don't know this woman. But I am taking her words.

She states - we have a dysfunctional family and I am worried that the kids hate their father and possibly me... That is what she said.

Any parent that is worried that their kids hate them both, because of the dysfunction that they bring into their home - are shameful. I don't care what the situation is.

I am so tired of hearing about people talking about how they stay for the kids.

That is a cop out. It's bullshit.

If you truly cared about the kids - you would want to set an example that will allow them to have healthy, happy relationships in their own adult lives.

My mom around 8-9, my dad at 18.
My mom just wouldnt let me have things my way in the slightest- my stuff was always moved around, I was always told to do chores and could hardly ever relax with a book, I was forced to eat food I didn't like, wear things I didn't like.
My dad- he was a total pushover for my mom, and I realized he wasn't going to protect me, he wasn't going to help me face life if needed, he mostly cared for himself and how to not get in trouble with mom.

Pp, here again. After giving birth early and still in the hospital room, my mom told of the many ways she tried to abort me "naturally."

My mom said that I made advances to a guy she dated a couple of times at age 13. I asked her what I said or did and she could not remember. The boyfriend told her that she "will need to watch me" and she just knew what he was talking about. Never any details and never said anything to me at the time. Just accusations tens of years later from a man that she dated a couple of times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my kids have started to realize they hate their father. Not sure how they feel about me. We have a dysfunctional marriage. They are 12 and 15. Wish I could get in their heads. Wonder what they'd say if asked this question.....

You should try to have a less dysfunctional relationship with their father and you should try to mend their relationship - speak positives about him to them and try to get him to find ways to have more positive time with his kids. You're messing up your kids lives lady.

So you are saying the dysfunctional relationship is all my fault? I am holding on for dear life and friends and family tell me everyday how strong I am and that the kids need me. I am not going into the details of the marriage and why I stay versus go - but I was just sharing .....

I can see why you have a dysfunctional relationship. You are hypersensitive and/or have a martyr complex.

The PP did not say ANYTHING about it being your fault. But - since you're the one on here saying that the kids hate their father - the PP was saying that YOU should try to mend the relationship the kids have with their father so that the kids can have a healthy relationship with their father. Also - instead of saying that you stay for the kids - or whatever ridiculous excuse you want to come up with - you should LEAVE.

You have a self-admitted dysfunctional family. What you are doing right now - is modeling to your children - that this is OKAY. That the family dynamic that they see is OKAY - and it is NOT. Your kids deserve to see a healthy relationship. They deserve to see a relationship where two people love each other, know how to communicate, and have a good relationship.

SHAME ON YOU!

Stop, you are shaming this women and you have no idea what you are talking about.

Anonymous wrote:I love my parents in the obligatory way, and occasionally enjoy talking to them/spending time with them, but the relationship fundamentally changed when I went to therapy in my mid-20s and realized how certain things they did messed me up. I've never seen them the same since, especially since becoming a parent myself.

This was me as well. It's really helpful to read all these responses because I see all the happy seeming families out there and feel very alone. When I started to make my own decisions in my 20s, when no longer financially tied to my parents, my mom went berserk. I always understood I needed to do things her way or "else." But did not think that meant for the rest of my life. I was wrong. Therapy has helped me feel less abnormal and more self confident in my decision making.

Anonymous wrote:As a teenager, I started realizing how much both of my parents held grudges--with each other and increasingly with me. In college, I realized that they pretty much never called me unless I called them. When I met DW, they (primarily my dad but with zero visible resistance from my mom) didn't want to meet her and my dad even wrote me an email about how they'd changed the locks after we drove once to visit them 6h away because of how rude it was to come over when they weren't ready.

Things got better after we had kids, and we've seen them and they've seen us once or twice a year since then, but last year I realized I'd had enough of being the only one to ever call ever, and decided to only call during their birthdays and Christmas from then on (while calling back if they ever called me). Since Christmas, we've exchanged exactly zero phone calls. Since both of their birthdays are in September, we aren't going to hear from each other for a long time, and that suits me fine.

We have a healthy relationship with my wife's parents, and as far as I'm concerned, our kids will be much better off knowing them than my parents. My parents have never been mean to them in the least, but I'm just tired of trying of trying to maintain a relationship with folks who aren't very interested in doing so.

That reminds me of my dad. After he got divorced he couldn't wait to start his new life. Didn't include his kids, and finally you have to be honest that they really don't care. I'm glad your wife's family is different, good for you and your kids.

I love my parents in the obligatory way, and occasionally enjoy talking to them/spending time with them, but the relationship fundamentally changed when I went to therapy in my mid-20s and realized how certain things they did messed me up. I've never seen them the same since, especially since becoming a parent myself.