Anonymous wrote:I'm an Army wife and it never ceases to amaze me the women who get into this not thinking of what it means long-term. The time between PT and work is not free time. I'm surprised he hasn't started getting ready on post rather than coming home where you nag and bitch. Military spouses are the ones who have to compromise because the military does not. Find a daycare with more suitable hours (7am-7pm or something similar). Find a more flexible job. I work 50-60 hours a week, but I changed jobs and negotiated contracts until I was able to build the flexibility we needed. Good luck if you have any deployments leaving you a single parent for a year.

Is being a bitch also a requirement for being an army wife?

Anonymous wrote:DH is military and has to wake up at 5:45am to get to PT. He gets home between 7:15 and 7:30 am, showers, dresses, and leaves the house around 8 to arrive to work at 8:30. In the meantime, I wake up, get our 2 yo son up, and leave the house at 7:30 in order to do daycare drop off and be at work by 8:05 sharp. I leave at 5:05 pm and do pickup. I agreed to do dropoff and pickup, as long as DH would help get DS ready in the morning. The problem is DH never helps. He gets home and takes care of himself. I called him out on it and he said "I promised I'd help WHEN I CAN". I took that to mean, when he's back from PT in time. I guess he takes it to mean when he is not rushed to get to work.

I feel squeezed on all sides. I already had to get a written agreement from my boss to come in at 8:05 instead of 8:00. And there are many times I would like to stay late, but I can't. This means, I often work through lunch so I can get out on time. Meanwhile my husband will call me at work and ask to take me out to lunch!

I told DH I was feeling squeezed and pressured, and I'm getting flack from my boss. His solution is I need to wake up earlier. He's correct that this would solve things, but I feel like I am making all the compromises here. DH comes home after me, and I've already fed our son and cleaned the kitchen. I'm ok with that because he will cook for us or pick up take out. It's just in the morning I feel it is unfair that he owns his time while I share my time with our kid. I feel we should both do it. I finally told him that if he is in the house while I am in the house in the morning and not helping to get DS ready, I'm going to leave and he can take DS to school. Of course now we are pissed off at each other. Anyone have any advice?

Wherever it is that you work are run by complete pieces of shit.

Op,

You say he helps cook dinner or brings home takeout often which I am assuming is a huge help for everyone. Does he help with bath and bedtime at all?

If he does help at bedtime, I would cut him some slack and just wake up 15 minutes earlier.

If he doesn't help at bedtime, I would be more resentful because he does help out quite significantly with dinner.

Either way, I can't see why he can't help you out 5-10 in the morning. He could easily wake at 5:30 and help. If he can't wake any earlier then he needs to take most of the bedtime routine.

Good luck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If his duty day starts at 5:45, then he should easily be home by 4-4:30, so the post makes no sense. I don't know anyone who went home after PT vs. showering at the gym.

Do you know anyone in the military?

Military regularly work 12+ hour days, longer if they are working at tye base level.

Your post makes no sense.

Yes, many. Most of our friends are military and my husband is a retiree (you know, the one who served 20+ years with a pension and full benefits).

I am calling BS on this.

No way your spouse was regularly finished work at 4:00-4:30.

Did he work in the band?

Anonymous wrote:I'm bookmarking this post for the times I might regret dumping my military BF. Not saying they are bad BFs or husbands at all, just that the lifestyle seriously sucks. Women with graduate degrees and/or good careers should never marry into the military.

Or women who want to pursue their own hobbies, or see their family, or join a book club, etc etc etc. I would never marry military.

I'm bookmarking this post for the times I might regret dumping my military BF. Not saying they are bad BFs or husbands at all, just that the lifestyle seriously sucks. Women with graduate degrees and/or good careers should never marry into the military.

OP, when does your husband get home? Can you offload more chores for him to do after work, then go to bed 15-20 minutes earlier and wait up 15-20 minutes earlier. Make it your job to do the before work chores including getting your child ready in the morning and any childcare until either bedtime or he comes home. Then he does the rest. Perhaps you feed the kid and do bedtime, but don't clean up the kitchen. When he comes home, if it is after bedtime, he can get himself dinner, then clean the kitchen, make lunches for the next day, take out trash, and anything else needed for the next day. You are on kid duty and just leave anything else not related to the kid for him to handle when he gets home.

OP, can you find anymore flexible job? My husband has a job where he can't be home much, so I took a more flexible position.

Can you get a FT nanny who takes your son to PT preschool and is with him the rest of the day? While he is ag school, she could do his laundry, meal prep, or light housekeeping.

Anonymous wrote:What is PT? I think your DH needs to step it up. I'm team wife here.

I do 100% when dh is on travel and it's tight and I too feel squeezed from all sides. I can't even stop for gas on my way to or from daycare pickup because it would make me late for work or late to pickup from daycare (there's a fine). It's so darn hard.

And yes, your dh can do it all in 45 minutes from 7:15-8am especially if you help a little. I get the baby up, change diaper, clothes and then she drinks her bottle (in the bathroom with me) while I brush my teeth and change clothes. I wake at 7 and get both of us out the door at 7:40.

Why can't your dh at least just drop off at the daycare? That alone is a huge help when my dh is home to do that.

I'm a PP and also 100% team wife. I still think the way to go about this isn't to tell your husband exactly what he has to do. It is to have him help solve the problem in a way you both can live with. The issue is the stress of doing it all with an inflexible job and wanting to still excel in your career. Be clear that getting up earlier doesn't solve that problem.

In my work training we all had to take Crucial Conversation to help in our interactions with clients/customers/peers. It really is amazing how much cross-over in using these techniques in personal relationship. We learned to start with the facts/something the other person can't disagree with that doesn't blame/put on the defensive. Hopefully DH can't argue with stress, that you juggle the drop off and pick up, and that your job isn't flexible. He can hopefully take that a step further and empathize with what it would be like with his job if he had both drop off and pickup ...he can't be five minute late getting to work nor can he be five minutes late on pickup ...on top of the intensity of the actual day to day job that he does. Next, once you establish a base of understanding/purpose, you want the other person to buy into the solution - especially when it requires him/her to change attitude or do something different. It's the difference between your boss telling you do it this way, and when your boss challenges you to come up with suggestions that address the shared goal/purpose. Hopefully you don't suggest the things you aren't willing to do. Also there is a sense of accomplishment of coming up with something and it working versus following orders (though I just realized the irony that your DH follows orders for a living but maybe doesn't want that to extend to personal life). So anyway in end no it may be that you do all the legwork to implement the solution i.e. If you get a babysitter one evening a week, but he hopefully sees the value/worth of it because he was part of coming up with the solution.

Did i miss why your DH can't do the drop off?

For a two year old, I would dress him at night after his bath in clean comfortable place clothes (sweat pants, long sleeved t shirt.) That's his outfit for the next day.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think what's bothering you is that you have to do both morning and evening duty (the dressing/feeding/dropping off/picking up/feeding). It would bother me too. A lot. This not pitching in for 10 minutes is just your way to focus on the frustration, but I don't know that it would help much even if he did.

Is there any way for him to rearrange the schedule to do either the morning or evening shift? (I assume no, but have to ask.) Since he isn't doing either one, I think you absolutely must tell him it's his job to get your son ready--not to help you get him ready. You'll be in the car at the agreed time and if he doesn't bring out your son, you drive to work.

You both have professional jobs, there's no reason why you have to do all the child care work. Oh, and until you figure this out, don't have more kids, this will get worse with two drop-offs.

If I recall the OP correctly, this is exactly what caused the most recent fight.

OP, I hear you. It's not that you have to do it all yourself because he's at work, it's that he's at home and WON'T help you. And he won't help you when you're begging for help and need it the most. I get like this sometimes with my DH (frustrated because I feel like he's not helping with whatever), and when I finally reach the breaking point, he realizes that he needs to step in. Does your DH ever get to that point, where he realizes you need really really need him to do something for you (on a regular basis, not just once or twice then he stops) and then actually follows through? If not, you need some marriage counseling, because something has to give.

OP, I think what's bothering you is that you have to do both morning and evening duty (the dressing/feeding/dropping off/picking up/feeding). It would bother me too. A lot. This not pitching in for 10 minutes is just your way to focus on the frustration, but I don't know that it would help much even if he did.

Is there any way for him to rearrange the schedule to do either the morning or evening shift? (I assume no, but have to ask.) Since he isn't doing either one, I think you absolutely must tell him it's his job to get your son ready--not to help you get him ready. You'll be in the car at the agreed time and if he doesn't bring out your son, you drive to work.

You both have professional jobs, there's no reason why you have to do all the child care work. Oh, and until you figure this out, don't have more kids, this will get worse with two drop-offs.

I have to get 3 kids and myself ready and out the door in the morning and I know it's hard but it sounds like you should plan to do the mornings yourself. I also think you can try to find a babysitter so you can stay late at work if you want to do that from time to time.

Maybe you can get your DH to give you a break somewhere else because it doesn't seem like weekday mornings is easy to work out.

GL!

OP, I wish I could give you a hug. That pressed from all sides feeling sucks. It really does sound like your husband is doing his share, and you probably need to wake up 15 minutes earlier. That said, your current levels of stress are unsustainable. Asking you to lunch is NICE. That you resent it is evidence of how stressed you are. Is there any way to throw money at the problem?

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you get up just 15 minutes earlier and accept that childcare will fall on you solely during the rush of getting people ready for work/daycare? But, make your husband responsible for everything else- laying out your kid's clothes for the next day, making lunches, packing bags, etc, so that "all" you have to do when you wake up is get yourself ready and your child dressed (with clothes picked out by your husband) and fed (possibly with breakfast prepped by your husband).

I hear you in that seeing your husband smoke and look at his phone while you're rushing around leads to resentment; I know that even him helping for 5 mins would bring relief to you. But it doesn't sound like he's going to change so maybe you just had to resign yourself to deal with accepting things the way they are for your own sanity.

It doesn't seem like anyone has suggested this yet, but why don't you also wake your son up 15 mins earlier?

Thank you, I'm heading in this direction. My poor kid is so tired, I don't have the heart to wake him. But he's not really the issue. If I was totally ready to go, that would help a lot. In fact, I feel SO lucky that he sleeps 7pm to 7am. That is the break we have-his reliable sleeping!