Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 20:30     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Sorry, but you're foolish to let your son get such an expensive undergraduate degree.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 17:44     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:I don't have anyone to talk with.

My ex-husband and I are trying to figure out what to do with regard to my son's college. DC child support continues until age 21 thank goodness. So I intended on using the child support to help pay for the first 2 years of college (it is a private college that costs $70k a year). That of course means we are both contributing to my son's college -- I don't look at it like only I am paying. That's why they have the support order until age 21.

When my son turns 21, he will be just starting his junior year of college. From then on, I had proposed we split his college expenses based on our incomes.

All that is fine. But now his father is saying that should also apply for graduate school -- that he won't agree to pay for college (about 55%, since that is his share of our income) for junior or senior year unless I agree to pay 45% of college and graduate school.

My son wants to go to med school, and frankly, I cannot afford it. I literally only have about 2 times my gross income in retirement savings and I am 52. I absolutely need to save for retirement when college spending finishes.

My son's dad has enough to pay for college and graduate school alone. I understand it is not fair to think he should absorb that alone. But for my part, I simply think that whatever I do for graduate school needs to be a loan to my son. I cannot pay for graduate school without sacrificing my own retirement security.

Does that sound reasonable to you?


Is there a way to include your son in these discussions? Then your Ex may not want to pull any stunts.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 16:19     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am just so shocked by the responses here. This must be full of second wives and ex husbands who are resentful of CS payments. Because all of the UMC people I know in DC are paying full freight for their kids to go to the college of their choosing and many are making sacrifices to do it as well. All this advice you are giving, what if it was your kid? You would damn well want OP's ex to pay. I am just so disgusted at the people who act like a custodial parent shouldn't get CS and that CS actually covers everything. In many cases, it does not!


Mom wants child support and college. You get one or the other, not both. CS isn't supposed to cover everything. It is supposed to cover the NCP portion in the CP's home. The CP is also supposed to provide for the child. NCP also has to maintain a home and room for the child during their time together. OP is choosing a very expensive college, which Dad may or may not agree with. Both parents cannot afford it.


OP again. I have never wanted anything except for my son's college to be fully funded by us. Because CS is determined by income, whether my son went to a $30K school or a $100K school, the support would remain the same. My ex is THRILLED he is going to the $70K school. Just like is thrilled he went to 14 years of private school. Because no matter what my son costs, my ex's support does not change. It only changes based on income. I know of course I could have made other choices. But I didn't. I'm just saying now I need to have an exit point or I will not save enough for retirement.


Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 16:11     Subject: Re:I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
OP again here. Thanks for all the replies.

So I will pay for the last 2 years of college if that is what it comes to. But I think probably his dad will come through. As for med school, if that ever happens, I'm satisfied people do survive without any help from their parents.

Thanks again.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 15:52     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:I am just so shocked by the responses here. This must be full of second wives and ex husbands who are resentful of CS payments. Because all of the UMC people I know in DC are paying full freight for their kids to go to the college of their choosing and many are making sacrifices to do it as well. All this advice you are giving, what if it was your kid? You would damn well want OP's ex to pay. I am just so disgusted at the people who act like a custodial parent shouldn't get CS and that CS actually covers everything. In many cases, it does not!


Mom wants child support and college. You get one or the other, not both. CS isn't supposed to cover everything. It is supposed to cover the NCP portion in the CP's home. The CP is also supposed to provide for the child. NCP also has to maintain a home and room for the child during their time together. OP is choosing a very expensive college, which Dad may or may not agree with. Both parents cannot afford it.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 15:48     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Agree pp.

OP -- if child is interested in med school, tell him to join ROTC and have the military pay for med school. i know people who did this.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 14:00     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
I am just so shocked by the responses here. This must be full of second wives and ex husbands who are resentful of CS payments. Because all of the UMC people I know in DC are paying full freight for their kids to go to the college of their choosing and many are making sacrifices to do it as well. All this advice you are giving, what if it was your kid? You would damn well want OP's ex to pay. I am just so disgusted at the people who act like a custodial parent shouldn't get CS and that CS actually covers everything. In many cases, it does not!
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 13:44     Subject: Re:I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
This is a very sad string of posts. The most impactful gifts we can provide children is a good education and freedom from being financially burdened by needy parents later in life. Of course that is going to necessitate financial balancing. If the two of you could bring yourselves to focus on your DC first, the three of you need to establish a way to meet and discuss decisions on an ongoing basis. Your DC will change throughout high school and college. There has to be a way to adjust to that change. As a divorcee, I understand the acrimony between the two of you whether warranted or not. If this is impossible to override, then as a mom, I would say make financial decisions that you can support on your own rather than exist in an environment your son will find unstable. That will affect your DC more than having to make do with a second choice school or loans. We made a choice to bring our children into the world, we owe them as much stability as we can provide. I understand what the two of you are fighting over but courts or not, you can't control another person. And he can't control you. So make the choices you can afford and if he wants to offer up more to support a dream whether that be before, during or after college, he can commit separately to your DC (which is likely more palatable for him than committing to you). I'm so sorry that the three of you find yourselves in this situation.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 11:51     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
It does make sense for the child. She has the ability to lower the child support amount and terminate it early. I don't have the intricacies of their situation but I am 100% sure she has the authority to do that as the custodial parent. In exchange for that he must agree to pay some college and graduate school expenses. They must, as a unit, submit that to the court to make it binding. The kid makes out better in the long run. It is worth a shot but I personally don't see the father doing that if he's taken the stance he has. My best guess is that she played hard ball with him during the divorce and/or child support proceedings. I say that because we get these stories all of the time. One parent requests a non-custodial waiver, calls/puts in writing what the situation is, says how much of a jerk the other parent is, etc. Then the other parent submits their information and an maybe an explanation on the CSS Profile and the picture becomes very very clear. It is unreasonable to play hard ball with someone and then expect them to work with you fairly. It sucks for the children.[i][u] I can't begin to count the number of times I've come across these stories. She has a shot to still secure longer term benefits for her child but she must act fast and it will be an uphill battle.

I offered a possible solution that is irrespective of the college the kid attends. If he attends a highly selective school they will ask for the CSS Profile, the non-custodial profile, etc. and all of this will come out. If the father does indeed have a high income the school will say that the family has the ability to pay and they won't offer any need-based money to the child. However, if they have a plan to pay college prior to that point, that is of course enforceable and exactly what I am suggesting, they will all sail through smoothly. If not, it'll only hurt the kid. She said DC child support ends at 21 but the kid has financial needs beyond that and she still has the ability to secure them -- think long term, people. Think long term.


Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I work in financial aid and I see a ton of these cases. I'll say this, children of parents who can work together without any outside influence fare very well. I'm assuming the child support order was a one-side affair (at your urging) done via the courts. I say that because we see it all the time where it comes back to bite the child and one parent says it's not fair that the other parent will not help any more. The problem is that they left it up to the court to decide a monetary amount with a finite time frame. Families who did not make it, it happens, that submitted a joint plan to the courts that includes college, etc. fare much better. I don't know the intricacies of the support order but if you are receiving $1,500 a month through the age of 21, you would have fared better for the child had you mutually agreed upon say $1,000 a month and split college and graduate expenses 50/50. Based upon your statement I don't think you two mutually agreed upon anything and submitted it to the courts -- you probably played hard ball. You would be surprised at the information non-custodial parents share in the explanation section on the CSS Profile. They are brutally honest. It sounds too late in your case but it would have been best for you two to agree on support, college, etc. and then submit your plan to the courts. Based off of what I've seen in my many years of working in financial aid, the courts breed lots of contempt that comes out at a later date.

That said, your ex doesn't owe anything to you or the kid (who can take out loans). It is a privilege to have your parents do anything financially for you and especially past the age of 17/18 -- those children who's parents do help them are very fortunate. Your son can take out loans and that is especially true if he plans to go to med school. There is also the option of going through a HRSA program to help with school or loan repayment (e.g., https://www.nhsc.hrsa.gov/). There is a service payback for it. I wouldn't recommend you go trying to drag your ex's name in the mud with the kid. It's his father and he'll see right through it. Not to mention, he'll may friends go through nasty relationship battles if he doesn't go through it himself. Good luck to your child in his future endeavors.




Anonymous wrote:

Your post makes no sense. Either mom gets child support or they share college expenses if both have a say in the college and financial situation. Dad should not pay child support and college while mom uses the child support for her share of college. Child is no longer living in mom's home so she has no need for child support and a separate college support. Child support is Dad's contribution. You either stop the child support and share expenses or Mom needs to appreciate what she gets and use it appropriately and stop purging Dad. Their incomes are very similar except Dad has money leaving his home and mom has it coming in. They are then not having equal income to split 50/50.

Child needs to go to a reasonably priced college. If mom wants an expensive school and Dad does not agree, Mom pays.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 11:14     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This sounds like your ex being a total dick. You need to lay this our to your son 100%. Explain all the finances and explain what his dad is doing and what retirement savings and planning is all about. Your son will see right through his dad. Worst case scenario, you continue paying your 45% of the college bill junior and senior year and your son has to take out an additional 70k in loans. He should know all of this NOW so that he can make an educated decision about which college to attend knowing that Dickhead Dad is playing money games with mom. Maybe there is a cheaper state school he could attend, thus lowering his potential loan amount if Dickhead Dad won't pay junior and senior year.


How is the ex being a dick? He is required to pay child support till age 21. Nothing more is obligated. Mom and child are choosing a $70,000 a year school that neither child can afford. Mom is not saying if Dad can afford it given they have about equal incomes from her cost share amount. Maybe he remarried and has more kids. Maybe he lost everything in the divorce and between child support and his living expenses he has nothing left each month. Child needs to go to a $30,000 a year school and then mom has enough to pay for it for 4 years. Then, he can go to a state graduate school and split it three ways with child and each parent. He should not be required to pay child support and college at the same time. One or the other.


???

I don't understand your logic. If kid lives with mom majority of the time, and I'm assuming he does, she's taking care of the bulk of his living expenses to begin with. Both parents have an obligation to support their child, and if it's agreed that parents will pay for college then they must both pay.

Sorry your divorce lawyer sucked.


Usually Mom takes care of child's expenses with child support. Then, she demands more if she feels entitled like OP vs. using it out of her funds. Child support is based off of income and child's needs so if Mom is getting child support Dad can agree to help more but there is no obligation to pay over child support. Mom is making the choices in her home and she needs to cover the difference. If Dad is paying $1000 a month and Mom is on a 45/55 split, then if Mom is contributing $800 a month, for a total of $1800 that should be plenty to cover all child's needs. I know I don't spend that much on my son a month and he's in multiple activities.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 11:12     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Anonymous wrote:I work in financial aid and I see a ton of these cases. I'll say this, children of parents who can work together without any outside influence fare very well. I'm assuming the child support order was a one-side affair (at your urging) done via the courts. I say that because we see it all the time where it comes back to bite the child and one parent says it's not fair that the other parent will not help any more. The problem is that they left it up to the court to decide a monetary amount with a finite time frame. Families who did not make it, it happens, that submitted a joint plan to the courts that includes college, etc. fare much better. I don't know the intricacies of the support order but if you are receiving $1,500 a month through the age of 21, you would have fared better for the child had you mutually agreed upon say $1,000 a month and split college and graduate expenses 50/50. Based upon your statement I don't think you two mutually agreed upon anything and submitted it to the courts -- you probably played hard ball. You would be surprised at the information non-custodial parents share in the explanation section on the CSS Profile. They are brutally honest. It sounds too late in your case but it would have been best for you two to agree on support, college, etc. and then submit your plan to the courts. Based off of what I've seen in my many years of working in financial aid, the courts breed lots of contempt that comes out at a later date.

That said, your ex doesn't owe anything to you or the kid (who can take out loans). It is a privilege to have your parents do anything financially for you and especially past the age of 17/18 -- those children who's parents do help them are very fortunate. Your son can take out loans and that is especially true if he plans to go to med school. There is also the option of going through a HRSA program to help with school or loan repayment (e.g., https://www.nhsc.hrsa.gov/). There is a service payback for it. I wouldn't recommend you go trying to drag your ex's name in the mud with the kid. It's his father and he'll see right through it. Not to mention, he'll may friends go through nasty relationship battles if he doesn't go through it himself. Good luck to your child in his future endeavors.




Anonymous wrote:

Your post makes no sense. Either mom gets child support or they share college expenses if both have a say in the college and financial situation. Dad should not pay child support and college while mom uses the child support for her share of college. Child is no longer living in mom's home so she has no need for child support and a separate college support. Child support is Dad's contribution. You either stop the child support and share expenses or Mom needs to appreciate what she gets and use it appropriately and stop purging Dad. Their incomes are very similar except Dad has money leaving his home and mom has it coming in. They are then not having equal income to split 50/50.

Child needs to go to a reasonably priced college. If mom wants an expensive school and Dad does not agree, Mom pays.
Anonymous
Post 01/18/2017 11:06     Subject: I can't afford to pay for my son's graduate school. He is in high school, BTW.
Wouldn't it be better for your child to HAVE some debt from undergrad when he applies to med school? Wouldn't that make it more likely that he would get financial aid in med school? Paying all his tuition for undergrad and leaving him with no loans might actually hurt him when he applies for funding for any grad program. Sounds like you're contemplating bankrupting yourself and not doing him any favors in the process.