Anonymous wrote:
But these days, it's hard to find an affordable house in a good school district that would allow you to live more simply. A lot of us aren't working so much to keep up with the Joneses, it's just to pay our bills.

Well, America's about to be great again. So, help is on the way.

Anonymous wrote:Yup the have it all thing is a myth

the only way the women have it all is if the Man is the SAH parent fact

It's great that both people can work now,t trying to do that and riasing kids is going to cause stress in any marriage

Women you need your DHs to be involved at home otherwise it won't work out

I am a SAH dad. Our marriage is not what we want it to be. The fact is *she* has been the one to work long hours and have an emotional affair, and the stress of young kids has been an issue. She works a ton of hours. Her home-work life is totally out of whack. Hard to say she, or we, have it all now...

We hit a low point, are hurting, but working on our marriage. But no, just having a SAH dad is not the be-all, end-all.

And, I should say, as a SAH dad I get so annoyed by the notion that men are incompetent in all these ways. Some might be, some are lazy, some are intimidated by the task, some just have no interest. But in most child-rearing activities, I'd say I do as well or better than most women I know. Some men are actually capable...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

So did you downsize your home and stop working? Curious what the true cure for business, marital resentment and a sucky DH is.

No - similar to what a PP said - we worked/saved like crazy from graduation day to the day our first child was born, bought our house in a top school district and have never traded up since then. It was a nice house even then but not outrageously nice like it could've been if we traded up, like many of our friends have since done. We made that house decision willingly so we would be free to travel, aggressively save for retirement/college, life a nice day-to-day lifestyle, etc. Similar to PP, we also drive non-luxury brand cars.

But these days, it's hard to find an affordable house in a good school district that would allow you to live more simply. A lot of us aren't working so much to keep up with the Joneses, it's just to pay our bills.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

100% spot on.

we've made the changes and it has paid off in huge dividends for all of us, 3 kids and DH and myself.

Can you please say what changes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do more than they ever have before. You think my dad or his dad did jack shit with the kids or dinner or housework? And, for the most part, modern men are putting in just as many hours at their jobs as dad or grandpa did.

Despite working just as hard at paying work and much harder with the kids and house, they get endless shit about not being good enough.

You can say it's because dad and grandpa had it far too easy. And maybe that's the case, but as a modern man, it's tough not to be resentful about doing more and getting shit upon for the effort.

And women aren't doing the exact same thing? Neither of my grandmas ever worked a day in their lives. They cleaned, cooked, raised kids and had dinner on the table at 5pm.

I'm slightly resentful that my DH's job is identical to the one my dad had when I was growing up (both have masters in engineering) but DH's job doesn't pay enough to support a family and my dad's did.

how is that the fault of a DH? and by the way, many, many more men feel incredibly stressed that they are not able to provide the type of lifestyle they would like to for their DWs and families. It's clearly not how the world works today, but men in my generation (and I'm mid 40s) were raised to be the provider. Some have accepted that women can be the main breadwinner but it is a very emasculating feeling, deep down, that we cannot live up to the "standards" of the former generation. I'm not saying that it's right, I'm just saying that it is. We are raising our children to expect to be equal partners - across the board - but that still doesn't help our current generation of mid-career men.

Same can be said for women though. Deep down we're upset that men can't live up to the standards and provide enough for us so that we can stay home and raise our children the way our Grandfathers did.

Woah. Speak for yourself. Some of us had working moms and grandmothers, and many of us prefer to work. Op - people post complaints. If they're happy with their DH they don't post. Frankly I think a big reason women are cranky is that parenting is much more intensive than it used to be. I read a study recently that working moms today spend more time with their kids on average than stay at home moms in the 60s. We're all doing more than we used to.

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

100% spot on.

we've made the changes and it has paid off in huge dividends for all of us, 3 kids and DH and myself.

that's great looks like your husband helped out at home

Also both job hours are very reasonable and normal

I'm guessing you probably bought a normal size house in a school district that was good but not great to get better commutes to get more time

I think many on this board have more high powered careers and that's when it starts to fall apart in my opinion

There gets to be an inbalance at home with one or both parents working more than "normal" The solution there is to outsource more but I think some people have different expectations before they are married than what things actually end up looking like

Anonymous wrote:Yup the have it all thing is a myth

the only way the women have it all is if the Man is the SAH parent fact

It's great that both people can work now,t trying to do that and riasing kids is going to cause stress in any marriage

Women you need your DHs to be involved at home otherwise it won't work out

I work 8-5; my DH works 9 to 5:30. We now have teenagers but when the kids were young, we paid through the nose for a great nanny. We feel we do have it all, or all we want, anyway. Great kids, more than ample money and each parent involved.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a single woman I should reconsider the marriage idea. Who benefits more from a marriage men or women?

Are you seriously asking this? Of course men benefit more. Did your mother or father benefit more? Are you quite young?

There are studies on (sort of) this question. Financially, women benefit more from marriage. Healthwise, men benefit more. (Married men live longer than single men; single women live longer than married women.) So, if you're a woman, you get more cash, but less time to spend it due to all the stress marriage apparently brings.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too often, women make choices based on fear of what other people will think. In doing so, they end up with a lifestyle that is a horrible fit for their needs and personality. Sure, I'd like to have a big house and a nice car and a million friends and social obligations and all those things - in theory. Turns out, I'm happiest being a homebody with a stable job that will never make me rich, and I married a man with similar values. I'm not complaining about my DH on DCUM or anywhere else.

I wish I had known that before the house, car, obligations, etc. But for a lot of us it's hard to turn back now. The damage is done. The debts are there. The resentment towards DH is there. I'm not sure how to undo it all and live more simply at this point..

Try baby steps. Next car, pick something less expensive and hold onto it for longer. Next vacation, try something domestic instead of international. Next date night, try cooking together at home instead of an expensive restaurant in the city. Next free day with the family, try playing board games together instead of buying expensive tickets to a game. These things will bring your family together, strengthen your relationship, and a save you money, too.

Anonymous wrote:Too often, women make choices based on fear of what other people will think. In doing so, they end up with a lifestyle that is a horrible fit for their needs and personality. Sure, I'd like to have a big house and a nice car and a million friends and social obligations and all those things - in theory. Turns out, I'm happiest being a homebody with a stable job that will never make me rich, and I married a man with similar values. I'm not complaining about my DH on DCUM or anywhere else.

I wish I had known that before the house, car, obligations, etc. But for a lot of us it's hard to turn back now. The damage is done. The debts are there. The resentment towards DH is there. I'm not sure how to undo it all and live more simply at this point..

Too often, women make choices based on fear of what other people will think. In doing so, they end up with a lifestyle that is a horrible fit for their needs and personality. Sure, I'd like to have a big house and a nice car and a million friends and social obligations and all those things - in theory. Turns out, I'm happiest being a homebody with a stable job that will never make me rich, and I married a man with similar values. I'm not complaining about my DH on DCUM or anywhere else.

Yup the have it all thing is a myth

the only way the women have it all is if the Man is the SAH parent fact

It's great that both people can work now,t trying to do that and riasing kids is going to cause stress in any marriage

Women you need your DHs to be involved at home otherwise it won't work out

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take it from an old timer here - you are busy because you want to be busy. Someone told this to me years ago and I thought they were totally off their rocker. As it turns out, they are right. Being busy is a CHOICE. You can rearrange your life to not be so busy. You don't have to keep up with the Joneses. You don't have to be in the rat race. You are CHOOSING to live your life this way. This takes a very long time to understand. But once you do, you can begin to peel back the layers and make changes that work for you and your family.

This is good advice. Anything else you can impart on us? Maybe start a s/o thread? I love getting advice from been there, done that aged people.

Haha thanks! I am glad as an "aged" person, I can impart some wisdom. Seriously, this is something that took me a very long time to realize. I placed so much importance on being Superwoman - for my husband, my kids, my career, my home, my friendships, etc. etc. etc. Being busy was a hallmark of how Super I was. But I realized it was making me crazy and causing my family so much stress. We have learned to really pull back from the expectations that have been set out and do what is right for our family.

PS I also love getting advice from BTDT people on here - I have truly learned a lot from this forum and I think all of the people for sharing their experiences and perspectives!

So did you downsize your home and stop working? Curious what the true cure for business, marital resentment and a sucky DH is.

No - similar to what a PP said - we worked/saved like crazy from graduation day to the day our first child was born, bought our house in a top school district and have never traded up since then. It was a nice house even then but not outrageously nice like it could've been if we traded up, like many of our friends have since done. We made that house decision willingly so we would be free to travel, aggressively save for retirement/college, life a nice day-to-day lifestyle, etc. Similar to PP, we also drive non-luxury brand cars.

Anonymous wrote:

I agree but many men are just not good at this stuff. Hence why so much defaulting goes the woman no matter how great DH is. Unless he's one of the rare ones, for the most part women are doing the most of it still.

I'm not saying I disagree, but after our third child was born my wife had to have some exams done and I said I'd take care of the baby it was amusing watching the look of horror in the nursing staffs eyes.

Like after 2 kids I don't know how to change a diaper or swaddle an infant or don't know to support the head........... We as males are expected to be clueless about kids from day one. Even after explaining that it was not my first rodeo, they still wanted to show me how to do everything and started quizzing me on what to do... I would understand their concern if this was the first child or if I seemed inept, but how insulted would a woman be if they basically got the your a moron treatment after two kids and able to correctly identify the symptoms of Jaundice, how to do infant CPR or where the dam call button is.....