My first husband and I divorced when our daughter was a year old and I moved out of state when she was 22 months. I only regret that I let her go to visit him and his third wife. She was treated like junk and tormented by her half brother. She was a well adjusted child, raised by a loving stepfather.

My step sons are in their 30's and their parents had a horrible divorce 20 years ago. Everyone went to therapy... the mom was/remains a narcissist. Their mother cheated with a married boyfriend who left his family and kids so they could be together.

Flash forward 20 years. On the surface everything is okay. No drug abuse, they have great jobs and lots of friends. Neither of them is committed or married. Mother is emotionally checked out, they resent step mom of 15 years (?), and now are seemingly jealous of our daughter together, although my DH has always overcompensated and over indulged everyone.

So.... although they would say their parents were complete opposites, I think it is dependent upon how connected the parents remain into adulthood, otherwise they must feel that their childhood was wiped out, if that makes sense. NOt justifying their feelings, just still trying to figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking of divorcing my DH, but worried about the effect on my kids, who would find it to be a complete surprise. My DH and I don't fight, we are good coparents, we just have completely different emotional needs. So, for those you have divorced a good father, how has it affected your kids?

Holy cow, what a sucking lousy reason to consider a divorce. It is devastating on children. If the only reason you are considering this is because you have different emotional needs from another human being, surprise!!! I mean were you that naive that you thought you had the same needs? Never mind, that's not the point. The point is: whether via DH or otherwise, grow up, mature, and work on getting your emotional needs met- - without divorce. Suck it up and stretch and grow and find yourself and get to work on your responsibility, not his. Good luck.

Wow, you are a piece of work. What if completely different emotional needs means the DH has completely emotionally detached from the marriage? That is different emotional needs.

Just because there was greater peace after my parents divorce didnt mean the tauma and abuse was over. For us, it did not end. So no, divorce doesn't always bring happy- go- lucky. But then again, OP marriage sounds fine and kids have a good father as she says.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kids are well adjusted post-divorce. I think there were two keys:

One is that very soon after we told them, things changed and we went right into the new routine. Less than a week. So they didn't have to spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be different, there wasn't months of being in flux. We got all our ducks in a row - telling the kids was literally the last thing we did.

Two is that they see us getting along. We both go to school things, birthday parties, etc. When he drops the kids off it's not awkward if they ask him to come in to show him how they rearranged their bedroom or want his help with a school project.

That's great but your divorce will impact your kid long after their birthday party and school project days are over. I'm not saying you were wrong to get divorced, because divorce is the right and best option in many cases, but the impact lasts beyond the elementary years.

My parents divorce was a net positive for me. Their marriage would have eventually sent me to therapy. They were much happier post-divorce and there was a lot less tension in the house. I was relieved. I have a friend who is having a tough time with her parents' divorce after 30 years. She thought that they were happy, but her mom says otherwise now. My dad went on to have more kids so I have additional siblings and we're all close.

Op - only pay attention to what you hear from the children themselves, not the parents

My kids are doing very well, though their dad and I divorced when they were young. High achieving in school and extracurriculars, well-liked and polite. The divorce was ugly and their dad is a horrible father (uninvolved) but I've always made sure to put them first. Any dating (very limited) has been done in my time off (sleepovers, grandparents). I think the most issues come from the parents new relationships/blended families etc. And $$ issues. I've been lucky to have avoided that pitfall.

I was never married to my daughter's father. We got pregnant while dating, had a fairly acrimonious breakup, but then reconciled while I was pregnant and decided to raise the baby as co-parents. She's never known us "together" but we've almost always presented a united front. (though this year's election put that at risk, as I was a Hillary fan/Trump hater and he hates Hillary and voted for Trump.)

We're basically on the same page about issues involving our daughter. I am the more organized parent, so I handle the administration and all camp/activity signups. Before I commit us to stuff, we talk about the scheduling, and he has a say and a veto. We both attend P-T conferences and all sporting events and recitals, etc. We frequently eat meals together if it makes sense to do so, and we do her birthdays as a family.

Most of the families we know have at one point called him my "husband" or me his "wife" and depending on how close we are to them, sometimes we correct them. So clearly our united front is working pretty well. Our daughter is a very happy kid who does well with transitions between homes - she has two stable parents and two stable homes. Neither one of us has married or brought another person into the mix, so it remains to be seen what would happen in that case.

My MIL and FIL had the most toxic, drawn out, messy divorces I've ever seen (I was not around for the actual divorce). They actively hate each other and try to put their kids in the middle. It's awful.

My DH and his sister and brother are the most well-adjusted people I know. They all are in happy, successful relationships. They hate the way their parents act but love their parents. And they are all great parents to their own kids.

It's bizarre, but somehow their parents did everything wrong when it comes to divorce and it doesn't seem to have any lasting effects on them.

Anonymous wrote:So the consensus on dcum is stay together even if it makes you miserable and you fight all the time? Ridiculous!!!

My parents got divorced when u was in my teens. When I look back I don't feel sad or upset because they divorced. I feel sad and upset that my mother stayed so long in a marriage where a man verbally and emotionally abused her. I have my relationship issues but let me tell you, those kids that have both parents married can still have issues and still be as emotionally unstable as divorced kids.

Projecting! No, she is not being abused, she says he's a good father, and the only reson she gives is different emotional needs. Pp, for all you know, she's having an emotional crisis that has nothing to do with the marriage. Maybe she tries to manipulate hubby with emotional demands and he's not going to be controlled by manipulation. Who knows. Certainly not you. In any event, folks are not supportive because she has articulated zero good reasons to traumatize her kids for years to come. In fact, she would be cutting them off from a man who she admits is a good father. Pp, that is not your situation, so keep the scenarios separate.

Divorce a "good father"???? How unbelievably selfish. Not a chance you will ever replace a "good father" ever nevwr ever. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Anonymous wrote:I'm thinking of divorcing my DH, but worried about the effect on my kids, who would find it to be a complete surprise. My DH and I don't fight, we are good coparents, we just have completely different emotional needs. So, for those you have divorced a good father, how has it affected your kids?

Holy cow, what a sucking lousy reason to consider a divorce. It is devastating on children. If the only reason you are considering this is because you have different emotional needs from another human being, surprise!!! I mean were you that naive that you thought you had the same needs? Never mind, that's not the point. The point is: whether via DH or otherwise, grow up, mature, and work on getting your emotional needs met- - without divorce. Suck it up and stretch and grow and find yourself and get to work on your responsibility, not his. Good luck.

I know many people who are messed up with divorced parents and messed up with parents who are still married.

Anonymous wrote:My kids are well adjusted post-divorce. I think there were two keys:

One is that very soon after we told them, things changed and we went right into the new routine. Less than a week. So they didn't have to spend a lot of time worrying about how things would be different, there wasn't months of being in flux. We got all our ducks in a row - telling the kids was literally the last thing we did.

Two is that they see us getting along. We both go to school things, birthday parties, etc. When he drops the kids off it's not awkward if they ask him to come in to show him how they rearranged their bedroom or want his help with a school project.

This describes my situation exactly. Side note I find that the kids of my unhappily married friends are the ones with issues.

My parents never divorced but I'm fairly messed up relationally. Im divorced and my kids are doing incredibly well, but too young to determine the lifetime impact. I did not choose divorce, but for me it was a good thing. Humans are imperfect to outright evil, so whichever option you pick in a bad situation will have some bad effects.