Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Did you miss PP's statement that she offered fair/reasonable papers that her husband signed. You are looking for something very different.

Anonymous wrote:Lawyer here if that matters. I don't see why he'd agree to what is, essentially, an NDA without an enforcement remedy. Let's say he agrees to this and you get full custody. There's no enforcement remedy in the event that you spill the beans because that alone won't be grounds to modify the custody arrangement. You could, perhaps, sign a separate NDA with a substantial financial penalty in the event that you spill the beans but even that is questionable because he would have to prove that you're the one that told rather than, say, the OW or people finding out independently.

There's very little upside to him for agreeing to your proposal and I don't think a decent lawyer would advise him to agree to it.

Dear Lawyer -- This is why although I went to law school, I decided not to practice. Lawyers think so narrowly.

You are right that it is unlikely that one can reduce this kind of agreement to enforceable legal documents. But, there are many ways to accomplish what both parties want without a contract. If STBXDH wants any kind of privacy, his only shot is an agreement that favors wife's wishes. If he doesn't agree, he has no hope of maintaining privacy about the details of the break up. If he doesn't agree, then she will tell all the details about the break up. She can do that without telling the children and he will have no recourse to get her to shut up about it. Eventually the children will find out about it anyway since they will some day become old enough to do the math and to understand their memories of playing with their sibling while their mom and dad were still married. DH may care or may not. People may say that it won't affect or hurt him, in which case, his analysis will be not to compromise with her in the hopes that she will maintain silence. If that is the analysis than he would have no interest in an agreement, whether or not there is a contract. If that is his analysis, then she will be no worse off for having tried.

I cut this very deal, without legal contract, many years ago. I have maintained it because I knew that my DH could go back to court and argue for more custody at any time, which would cost me a LOT of money to defend even though I would be likely to win. DH doesn't want to go back to court, because then my silence ends.

We have mutually beneficial interests, and, frankly, the arrangement is in the kids' benefit as well. They have grown up in a stable home with someone who can be emotionally connected to them and doesn't lie or put their sexual interests above the child's interests. Both my kids have expressed that they are grateful that they don't have to live in a split home but still get to see their dad a lot and have a good relationship with them.

Just because it can't be expressed in an ironclad enforceable contract doesn't mean it is a bad idea.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.

There's nothing to hit me back WITH, I'm not the one who had the child outside of marriage and kept it quiet for years, diverting marital resources to support the child conceived outside of marriage.

Your children aren't the ones who did it, either... they don't deserve to have their father stripped of custody because of his (admittedly nasty) relationship actions.

Some exDW sued the OW for mental distress and won! Not long ago. NC or VA I think.

If the child has his last name and he spends time with the child, isn't this already essentially out in the open? Anyone could do the math and figure out that the child was conceived with the other woman while the dad was still married to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.

There's nothing to hit me back WITH, I'm not the one who had the child outside of marriage and kept it quiet for years, diverting marital resources to support the child conceived outside of marriage.

Nothing to hit back with? How about the assurance that you won't go public if he agrees to your demands.

No judge gives a f*ck about a child born outside the marriage. It doesn't change his relationship with his child.

The judge in my divorce cared. So you never know. Court is a crapshoot. And you don't know what you're talking about. Please don't give any more advice to OP because you don't know what your'e talking about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Hi OP,
We thought this would work in my case, but it failed. I think we waited too long to act, and the shame sort of wore off. If you do it, do it fast.

Threaten to depose her too.

And threaten discovery, especially if you're the breadwinner because he probably can't afford a $200k divorce.

Are your assets premarital have them never been mingled with your marital ones? If so, don't worry about them.

It sounds like you can easily get what you want if he's a rational person. You're not asking for anything crazy. I would suggest coming up with a pretty stringent visitation schedule - and be willing to compromise a bit on it so he feels like he's getting more than he really is. He sounds like an awful person. I'm sorry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.

There's nothing to hit me back WITH, I'm not the one who had the child outside of marriage and kept it quiet for years, diverting marital resources to support the child conceived outside of marriage.

Nothing to hit back with? How about the assurance that you won't go public if he agrees to your demands.

No judge gives a f*ck about a child born outside the marriage. It doesn't change his relationship with his child.

Lawyer here if that matters. I don't see why he'd agree to what is, essentially, an NDA without an enforcement remedy. Let's say he agrees to this and you get full custody. There's no enforcement remedy in the event that you spill the beans because that alone won't be grounds to modify the custody arrangement. You could, perhaps, sign a separate NDA with a substantial financial penalty in the event that you spill the beans but even that is questionable because he would have to prove that you're the one that told rather than, say, the OW or people finding out independently.

There's very little upside to him for agreeing to your proposal and I don't think a decent lawyer would advise him to agree to it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.

There's nothing to hit me back WITH, I'm not the one who had the child outside of marriage and kept it quiet for years, diverting marital resources to support the child conceived outside of marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't get sole. I've seen guys abusive to their wife and kids get 50/50 in FxCo. You'll need to prove he is more harm than good to his children. Proof of adultery is not going to meet that burden.

As an aside, it sounds like you're blackmailing him and using your children as pawns. Step back and think about what's best for your children.

Actually I'm not; I am committed to making sure he spends as much time as possible with the children. As for what is best for my children, it's a) financial security, and b) having a sane parent be in control of decisions that shape their life.

He's not sane?! As long as you can prove that, you may get something closer to sole. I'd guess you're not willing to go all out on that.

Even if he signs the papers, it has to be approved by a judge. You can't write a contract to cover custody agreements.

You can certainly put custody arrangements in a divorce or separation agreement. If the parties agree before bringing it to the judge, no judge is going to against that.

They absolutely will change it. I suspect one mention of blackmail and he OP will lose any chance of sole legal. What she's doing is illegal, and morally wrong.

It's not illegal to file for divorce on grounds of adultery, and it's not illegal to name co-respondents. These are legal strategies people use all the time to their advantage.

Yes but there are ways to go aboot this correctly, and ways to go aboot this incorrectly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You won't get sole. I've seen guys abusive to their wife and kids get 50/50 in FxCo. You'll need to prove he is more harm than good to his children. Proof of adultery is not going to meet that burden.

As an aside, it sounds like you're blackmailing him and using your children as pawns. Step back and think about what's best for your children.

Actually I'm not; I am committed to making sure he spends as much time as possible with the children. As for what is best for my children, it's a) financial security, and b) having a sane parent be in control of decisions that shape their life.

He's not sane?! As long as you can prove that, you may get something closer to sole. I'd guess you're not willing to go all out on that.

Even if he signs the papers, it has to be approved by a judge. You can't write a contract to cover custody agreements.

You can certainly put custody arrangements in a divorce or separation agreement. If the parties agree before bringing it to the judge, no judge is going to against that.

They absolutely will change it. I suspect one mention of blackmail and he OP will lose any chance of sole legal. What she's doing is illegal, and morally wrong.

OP's ex would have to prove the blackmail too. Remember, in Maryland, you need both parties' consent to record a phone conversation!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

OP, from a legal perspective, I join the others with the view that your expectations are likely to be unrealistic. It's tough to say without more facts, but I doubt it.

From a relationship perspective, if you were my spouse and tried to do to me what you want to do to your husband, I'd do my very best to destroy you, even if I had to live in a box on a steam grate to do so. Be prepared for an equal and opposite reaction to whatever you choose to do.

The relationship perspective is irrelevant here. It was destroyed four years ago when he decided to have a child outside of marriage, and maintain the relationship with its mother to this day. Had I known this at the time, I wouldn't have had another child with him (born after the lovechild), nor would I have sunk hundreds of thousands of dollars into building a house with him.

He can't destroy me because I'm an innocent party, and because my reputation cannot be ruined by this revelation to the extent his can. Remember, I've done nothing wrong. He is the one who went and got himself a sideshow. Plus, he makes little money and can't afford good representation. If he wants to avoid public disgrace, he can do so by separating on my terms.

You are familiar with the concept of "condoning", right?

So say I cheat on my wife and snort cocaine off the hooker's body through a 500-Euro bill (only the best for me, ya know.)

She finds out. She gets the pictures of us, she gets the video, and three people who'll swear they heard us.

She's mad, but I convince her that it was a one-time thing, that we'll be better and that next time she can join in.

She forgives me and we have hot makeup sex.

Whoops, she just condoned my behavior. She can't file for divorce six months later on grounds of adultery. All I'd have to do is point out, "hey we were bumping uglies four months after the discovery of adultery!"

Now I might be oversimplifying here but a law-talking type could give you the exact details. I think I've given you the skeleton of the details, though.

On the other hand, the threat of blackmail is eternal. He may be willing to sign off on a lop-sided custody agreement just to get you to stay quiet. (On the other hand, what penalties are there for you if you don't stay quiet or if it comes out through other means?)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP. Just the threat of naming her was enough to get my ex to sign the papers I presented him with. Now, they were very fair papers. 50/50 on everything except, I wanted more control of custody and visitation. I got it.

That's the sort of effect I'm looking for. I want sole custody, transferring the house to my name only, child support and full waiver of his claims to any of my assets. I'm the breadwinner. In exchange for this, I could offer liberal visitation and preserving his good name, which is important to him.

Good luck with that - sole custody? Unlikely.

I know it's unlikely but none of them want publicity. It will literally be ruinous for them. The bet is that he will agree to it to avoid a shitbath.

good for you OP! People need to understand the full ramifications of their actions. He may willingly agree to sole custody too. Im curious though what his cultural background is.

Anonymous wrote:Then I suppose the threat of publicity is my best strategy.

Maybe, but if you're too angry/vengeful, it could boomerang, and you're now portrayed as the vengeful ex, and your STBX and his new lover the couple that just want to provide their child a stable, loving home.

Remember, he'll be able to hit back at you, too.