Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

You don't get it at all, op. Is it that hard for you to remember being a kid? Halloween is one of the biggest days of the year when you're that age. You think about it for months. "Saw her friends at school"?!?! You're way off on this one.

It's Halloween. Kids like to be with kids. Not a time for power plays. This will backfire seriously. Crappy.

This is amazing. Five pages of people agreeing on DCUM.

OP, you are the wrongest OP ever. Apologize to your DSD and do better next time.

May I also suggest that the next time you see you say something like:

"Hey Step-larla I'm sorry about Halloween. You are right, 11 year olds want to hang out with their friends. I'm sorry. Did you get a lot of candy? Who had the best costume?"

A sincere apology goes a long way. Even if she rolls her eyes and says "yeah whatever" it still has value.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

That doesn't make this any better or you/DH any more right. You should have absolutely let her go out with her friends, trying to stop her because "the custody agreement says" is horse crap. Stop trying to win and start trying to do the right thing.

This. You are completely wrong OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

Did your child go out trick or treating with friends?

Do you expect your child to go out trick or treating with friends when your child is 11? Or do you expect the child to stay home with you and count the flowers on the wall?

If you were my spouse's wife (in a world where he and I are divorced) you would have just made a crucial error by being mean to his child, having ridiculous expectations, and expecting him to go along with you. If you like your marriage, you might want to learn a bit more about what 11 year olds like. Though I'm having trouble imagining a 6 year old who would have happily declined to go trick or treating with friends, so you might want to focus on learning about children in general.

Halloween is a friend holiday, not a family holiday.

I've asked two divorced friends and neither had Halloween in the custody agreements under holidays. Both just have Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays (rotate each year). For Halloween and the little "holidays" it's just whichever parent has the kid on the day on which the holiday falls.

You and DH were wrong and he never should of made an issue out of her going ToT with friends. Also, he definitely needs to nip the "I'm going to live with mom" thing in the bud ASAP because that will just keep getting exploited. Easiest way? "Sorry you feel that way right now, but that's not how it works. You're with mom X days and me X days and not getting your way isn't going to change that."

I just want to weigh in to say.... I feel you, OP. Step-parenting is hard. So, so, so hard. I happen to agree that in this situation, you all should not have prevented her from enjoying her friends and the activities she wanted to do. This is a problem that's just going to increase over the next 7 years and all of her parents need to get on the same page about figuring it all out. Use this as a learning experience and try to figure out how next time you can still have it be "your night" with her, but that she is allowed a normal life (i.e. the suggestions of you having her friends all meet at your house and use it as a "homebase" for TOT, for example). If you're creative, you can find ways to make it work. I have a 50/50 agreement with my step-daughter and we really do everything we can to avoid causing conflicts with any of her activities. She does sleepovers, activities, etc. all on "our" nights just as much as the nights she has with mom. And yes, it sucks to lose that time with them. To see the little slice of them you get divided into an even smaller chunk once they decided to have friends and sports and all sorts of other things. But that's something that ALL parents have to face. They grow up. They spread their wings. Parents become less primary. But the way you stay relevant is not to force them to spend time with you. That just builds resentment.

I also wanted to say....I think you are right to have a concern about the whole "I will just go live with my mom" threat and where that might lead. Like I said...in this instance, I'm glad you all backed off, but just in general, it's a bad precedent so don't be deterred in that thinking. Tweens and teens challenge authority. It's appropriate development for them. But you and her father do get to make all sorts of decisions for your family and you can't be held hostage by this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

Wait, so it's not even like going ToTing w/ her friends required her to spend the night with her mom? She just wanted to go out ToTing and then come back to your house per the divorce agreement? Good lord. A custody agreement is not a jail sentence. If she's invited to a party over a weekend where you have physical custody, do you always say no because she must literally spend every second of that time with you?!? Is she not allowed to participate in extra-curriculars during "your" time? Of course she wants to live with her mom. Poor kid.

So very rare for DCUM to be in such complete agreement. This is meaningful, op. Learn from it!

Anonymous wrote:I got by DC, who debates (and practices on us) , a t-shirt that says the following: No.You are wrong. So sit there in your wrongness and be wrong. Works in this situation.

I love you for the West Wing reference!!!

If you were so concerned about her being in the house
-- you knew halloween was coming -- should have organized a party and she could invite her friends.
My tween had friends over TO MY HOUSE, ate pizza and went ToT. Some parents stayed tagged along wayyyy behind, drinking wine while cruising the neighborhood. And some of the kids were not in our neighborhood, their parents had to drive them to our house.
SIGH

OP was obviously celebrating as the evil step monster. Poor kid. Poor DH. Maybe he'll wake up and toss the evil step monster out. Yuck!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Her mom lives in the same town so it's not like she hadn't seen her friends during the day at school.

And to the pp that asked yes, she threw an actual tantrum stomping feet and slamming doors.

You are an idiot. It's not about the amount of time spent with her friends. She is 11. She does not want to trick or treat with her famy! Why is this not getting thru to you? She should have been allowed to trick or treat with her friends, and then your DH could have brought to to his house after. My parents were divorced and split holidays but I was never forced to skip fun events with friends because of whose day it was. I feel sorry for the poor girl.

+1
SIGNED A CHILD OF DIVORCE AND A STEPPARENT

Anonymous wrote:Parental visitation time isn't jail time for a child. The child is entitled to do whatever socializing she would normally do.

The two of you were dead wrong.

Yea
I don't even know how you two came up with that hot mess you were trying to impose. Pick a real issue. Who would deny the trick or treating unless it was against your religion, and then those folks usually have an alternative fun/festive event.
THA HELL???

Stepmom to two teens: you are so wrong, OP. I'm glad your husband had the sense to change his mind. Visitation is about spending time with the non-custodial parent, not about forcing her to make accommodations for you.