Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:50     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:the only thing you can do is
1. apologize (and never say "but... it will pay off, I'm right, etc.")
2. back the f off forever
3. offer all the help you can by either watching their kids all the time or giving them enough money to hire a cleaning service and regular babysitting.

If you want to be close to your grandkids, do it.

Just saw she doesn't welcome your babysitting overtures. Give them money for babysitters, food services, cleaning services, etc. Offer to babysit when kids are asleep at night too.


I'm really not surprised she doesn't want more of your "help" because your "help" thus far has forced her husband the father of her children to be absent. I think you've done enough. On the bright side, when he has the fancy law degree you wanted for him so desperately he'll be able to pay more in child support and alimony.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:47     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
you completely overstepped and you are partially to blame for your son's marriage being on the rocks. Shame on you.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:44     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us

And, OP, my husband's family comes from a conesrvative culture where divorce is frowned upon.

But it didn't stop my husband's brother from divorcing!

Counting on cultural values to stop a marriage from imploding because YOU are placing undue pressure on that marriage seems downright cruel, don't you think?

Are you ready to take responsibility for your role in making your son and your DIL unhappy? Do they deserve this from you? They only have one life to live, let them live it according to their lights. They have two babies for God's sake - I would be so resentful to miss that window of time to enjoy them!

You've had your turn already! Shut up now.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:35     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anyone else think Op is a troll? This man seems WAY too tethered to his parents.

Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:30     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:Please do not give her a grocery gift card!! Do something nice for her. How about a gift certificate for a massage or even just a mani pedi with the offer to babysit while she enjoys time by herself. Or you could do a gift card to her favorite store to buy an new outfit. A grocery gift card is terrible.

+1, I would feel like my mil is trying to humiliate me. Unless they are on food stamps do not leave a grocery gift card. Maybe offer to do grocery shopping for them one week to give her a break, but do it from her list
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:18     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Please do not give her a grocery gift card!! Do something nice for her. How about a gift certificate for a massage or even just a mani pedi with the offer to babysit while she enjoys time by herself. Or you could do a gift card to her favorite store to buy an new outfit. A grocery gift card is terrible.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:09     Subject: Re:Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:op here! to clarify he will very reinburst by his employer as long as he passes the bar so the financial strain is only temporary. I love the frozen meal idea, DIL is very complementary of my cooking so I think this is a good avenue. I also like the grocery giftcard idea, I can just leave that on the kitchen counter and not say anything. It's my culture (and DIL) to play a very involved role and divorce would never be an option for anyone. This is why I want to make things comfortable and release some tension.


Meals are good. I wouldn't leave a grocery gift card on the counter. That would make me uncomfortable. You could hand it to her in a card when you drop off the frozen meals.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:07     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
This is why my dad has a firm rule to never give advice/put no pressure on his kids of any kind. Because when things go wrong you get blamed, deservedly or not. (Sounds deserved in this case).

Absolutely you should babysit more, "welcomed" or not. Obviously you can't force her but what I am saying is, do it regardless of how you FEEL about being welcome.

Finally if you can give them any extra money to make meals, cleaning service, babysitter, etc. more possible that would help. The last thing they need is financial woes.

Divorce would be VERY BAD for all involved. If there is anything you can do to help them hold it together, do it.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:02     Subject: Re:Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:op here! to clarify he will very reinburst by his employer as long as he passes the bar so the financial strain is only temporary. I love the frozen meal idea, DIL is very complementary of my cooking so I think this is a good avenue. I also like the grocery giftcard idea, I can just leave that on the kitchen counter and not say anything. It's my culture (and DIL) to play a very involved role and divorce would never be an option for anyone. This is why I want to make things comfortable and release some tension.


But DIL is American, right? Was she raised here?

At some point she will have enough and her "American" culture is going to rise up, so do not discount divorce. It sounds like she is already starting to stand up for herself and her family.


+1. OPs idea that DIL is going to stick around and take whatever table scraps she and her son decide to throw her way is... gross. Very very gross.

OP, your DIL does NOT have to just take your crap for the rest of her life. Wise up and knock it off!
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 09:00     Subject: Re:Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:op here! to clarify he will very reinburst by his employer as long as he passes the bar so the financial strain is only temporary. I love the frozen meal idea, DIL is very complementary of my cooking so I think this is a good avenue. I also like the grocery giftcard idea, I can just leave that on the kitchen counter and not say anything. It's my culture (and DIL) to play a very involved role and divorce would never be an option for anyone. This is why I want to make things comfortable and release some tension.


But DIL is American, right? Was she raised here?

At some point she will have enough and her "American" culture is going to rise up, so do not discount divorce. It sounds like she is already starting to stand up for herself and her family.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:59     Subject: Re:Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:op here! to clarify he will very reinburst by his employer as long as he passes the bar so the financial strain is only temporary. I love the frozen meal idea, DIL is very complementary of my cooking so I think this is a good avenue. I also like the grocery giftcard idea, I can just leave that on the kitchen counter and not say anything. It's my culture (and DIL) to play a very involved role and divorce would never be an option for anyone. This is why I want to make things comfortable and release some tension.


but you said in your first post that there was nothing in writing from the employer so how is it that you know that he will be reimbursed? I am surprised that anyone today thought that law school was going to be a good investment right now. I can understand wanting him to continue his education but I would think an MBA would have been a wiser choice right now.

Anyway, the best thing you can do is help them out with no strings attached and no undercurrent of "suck it up buttercup"


It's a good investment if YOU really want to go and get that education. A good education is always a good investment.
If mommy and daddy goad you into it and you're not that interested, I'm not so sure.

It might not necessarily be a good monetary investment though. It won't necessarily pay off long term. You have to want to work long stressful hours under stressful circumstances.

Intellectually an education is always a good investment.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:58     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Wow. You are too involved in his life. You have no right to give him "advice" - I use that term loosely. You are tampering with all their lives. You are the nightmare MIL we all dread.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:57     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:A 29 yo married man with kids is letting his parents make career decisions for him. Wow.


Yeah, awful. Men font mature until later though - when he wishes up you'll find that he stops taking your calls.


I have a 26 year old married son. He and my DIL have a baby.

1. He would never allow me to push into the relationship between he and his wife.
2. He would never allow us to push him into a career that wasn't interested in.
3. Most importantly, we have never and would never try to do either.

We are always available to listen and talk through decisions with our adult chikdren if they ask for our help. We will even offer our opinions, again if they ask for our help. We would never tell our adult kids what we think they should do. We do not offer unsolicited advice. We do not get involved in any issue between spouses.

The "men don't mature till later argument" is ridiculous. The only men who aren't mature by their late 20s are boys whose mommies have never let go. If he isn't mature enough to make his own decisions and protect his family from meddling in-laws, then he isn't mature enough to be married.

OP - The only way to salvage this relationship is to back off. Your DIL has every right to feel resentful. If you continue to insert yourself into their lives, they will eventually cut you out completely. I don't think an apology will make any difference. I think your actions will determine whether or not this is fixable.


You are amazing. My DH and I are doing everything in our power to raise our kids like this because my mom AND MIL are both certainly cut from the OP's mold. If anything, they have taught us what NOT to do with our own kids.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:54     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait - he has to pay 100 percent of the tuition up front? And wait years for reimbursement? This sounds like a huge waste of time and money. I'd quit now if I were him.


and not even a guarantee of any sort of raise from employer -- NOT EVEN REIMBURSEMENT.

I'd at least get the reimbursement thing in writing.

Otherwise he's vacating himself from his family for ... nothing.

PT Barnum had a word for guys like that.

(Or could be OP's son just wants to avoid his family. Gotta take that into account. Also DIL may well be exercising her version of having power and that is having babies.)


DIL sounds like the only one with a solid head on her shoulders in this situation. The son, OP, and the employer all sound like dingbats. Who the actual hell thinks a JD is a good financial investment right now?

My DH has a JD because he's passionate about the legal work he's doing but holy crap if he'd gotten his law degree for any reason other than his love for the work he's doing, I'd think he's nuts. There is no financial ROI to be found here.
Anonymous
Post 10/31/2016 08:50     Subject: Well I think its safe to say my DIL hates us
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait - he has to pay 100 percent of the tuition up front? And wait years for reimbursement? This sounds like a huge waste of time and money. I'd quit now if I were him.


and not even a guarantee of any sort of raise from employer -- NOT EVEN REIMBURSEMENT.

I'd at least get the reimbursement thing in writing.

Otherwise he's vacating himself from his family for ... nothing.

PT Barnum had a word for guys like that.

(Or could be OP's son just wants to avoid his family. Gotta take that into account. Also DIL may well be exercising her version of having power and that is having babies.)


I know many lawyers who have completely left the field within a few years of entering it. It's a very stressful time intensive profession.