Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be interested in hearing what you used to like about her, what you used to do together. Right now, she sounds extremely boring. Do you remember when she changed from somebody who was interesting to somebody who is checked out? I think you should think a bit about this change: what she used to be, what she is now, and when/how did the change take place?

OP here

A lot, she used to be a sweet and adventurous person. Personal stuff has happened with her and her family, but it does with all of us and we deal with those wounds and move on. All in all she's lucky. Nice house, healthy kid, both have high incomes, decent jobs, nice vehicles. On the outside it seems perfect but I'm broken emotionally. I just went from getting rejected to not even trying to initiate sex. I'm fit, regular lifting and gym, eat good, get interest from other women.

If she's cheating, then so be it. I won't forgive in that respect and I'll leave no questions. I won't give a pass on cheating.

interesting. You say there have been some personal problems. It would be great if all people can move on from such things, but maybe she needs some therapy? Has she tried any? From what you say, she has closed down due to some sort of bad things that happened in her life. If it isn't healing naturally, maybe therapy can help...

Anonymous wrote:So PP- how did your second affair partner take it when you broke it off?

She had a near miss and was almost caught by her DH. She suggested breaking it off, I was fine with it.

So PP- how did your second affair partner take it when you broke it off?

Not OP bit another guy. Story sounds familiar but unlike OP I had an affair. Met her at the gym and she was like the woman version of me. High sex drive, in shape, husband was find of a butterball and limp-worsted (her words). We had sex, dirty texts, she sent photos, gave me head (which wife hadn't done in years). I felt revitalizes but broke it off. I couldn't keep up, it took a lot of time. How the hell did you manage two? I was super paranoid about being caught and covered my tracks. But still, that, the lying and time got to me.

They were not two affairs going on at once. The first was a work colleague, also married, and was somewhat short lived. She divorced her husband, which freaked me out because I thought she was going bunny boil me. She said the affair made her realize what she was missing in life. She went on to marry a man much older. I vowed to never, ever get in that situation again. Fast forward several years, and despite doing everything on the check list, DW and I still had a massive libido gap. Flirting with a friend of a friend, turned into.....another affair, for a few months.

Yes, I am scum, I get it. Wife has no clue. Anonymous people would tell me to go to hell and my wife would be happier with the truth and a faithful man and my kids should be put through divorce and why did I kill Kennedy or the dinosaurs.

If there is a point to the story, it's simply this. People who are low libido have no clue what years of rejection does. It literally makes you insane. Like, I knew, from past experience, that having an affair could cost me everything and I still went back there. So I read OP's post and it was me, years ago.

I am older and my libido is down and DW's libido is up, and sex isn't an issue, I have no desire to cheat.

She isn't spending all that time on her phone playing games. She is very likely interacting with someone on a regular basis, all day long. If she's having an affair, the way she is treating you makes perfect sense.

When a man complains that his wife doesn't want to have sex anymore, where she once enjoyed it, that man needs to consider that maybe she still enjoys sex as much as ever, just not with him.

All these suggestions aside, nothing you do to charm her will make any difference if she is having an affair. Counseling will be a waste of time as she will just lie. Before trying to fix this, you need to rule out an affair without making her suspicious that your radar is up.

It could be an emotional affair that will lead to an actual physical affair. Right now, it's all communication and she isn't stepping out. Once she starts spending more time outside the house, working late, meeting her GF who is glad to cover for her (and they all will) then you will know.

Start by looking at her phone bill, if possible. How carefully does she guard her phone? Does she always lay it down, screen side down? Does she freely let you use it? Is it with her always, even in the bathroom, never unattended?

If all is innocent, maybe you should ask if you can join her in the Snapchat, Facebook, etc., fun. Just like you used to enjoy watching shows together. If this is her new thing, she should welcome you joining in. But I'm guessing she won't.

Is your wife happy OP? Does she feel whole and complete? Is there something she wants in her life that for whatever reason has been lacking during this phase?

In my experience men seem to have a much easier time asking for and making time / space for the things they need, and women really struggle to do this. We have a hard time being 'selfish' and putting our own needs first, and then we get tapped out and unhappy and are less pleasant to be around for everyone involved.

My husband always claims he wants me to be happy, and I sometimes struggle to believe him because there are all these examples in our life together where he made a choice that was better for him than for me. However when I finally reached the end of my rope and said 'I need X' he was 100% supportive. So he does want me to be happy, it's just that he needs me to identify what I need and proactively ask for it, and it took me a long time to get to a place where I was comfortable doing that. I basically had to get pretty close to done before I got to the point where it was OK in my own head to ask for what I need.

So long story short: can you push your wife to identify what she truly needs to feel happy and complete and then push her to follow through and do that? Basically take away any excuses for why she can't take the time / money / etc. for herself and give her permission to be selfish in that way?

If you do this and she's like me, it will rejuvenate her and your whole relationship. If you do it and it doesn't work, you'll be able to figure out next steps knowing you truly did everything you could to make the relationship work / to support her.

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid?

Your problem is really common, OP. Seriously. Bring it up with the guys next time you are out for a beer. Especially men with young kids at home.

Women are touched out. Sex dries up. Men need sex to feel connected. Disconnect comes. Women need connection for sex. Less sex ensues. Downward spiral.

I have a happy ending for you - DW and I made it through the infant, toddler and ES years. Oldest is about to start middle school. We are connected again, we have a decent sex life. Everything is looking up.

I don't have a happy middle for you. We fought about sex. A lot. I was miserable. She cried. I had an affair. Two of them. She never found out about either affair. Most of my friends who were dad's of young kids had affairs too. One was caught, there are still together.

I wish I could give you advice but the truth is that all you can control is what you control. Keep planning date nights, keep in good shape, keep being attentive. Keep the conversation about sex on the front burner, even if it leads to tears. Accept quickies and boring sex, even when it stings your ego. Don't pout about the lack of sex. Go be the best version of you. And if (when) you have an affair, don't get caught. When the kids get older, hopefully your marriage will be strong and intact. Divorce is hell on kids. Stay married, stay sane.

I'm a long married woman and I agree with the last few sentences of the above. I had an affair when the kids were little. I didn't have any interest in divorce, but didn't want my sex life to be horrible for many years. An affair is much better than divorce.

Anonymous wrote:How old is the kid?

Your problem is really common, OP. Seriously. Bring it up with the guys next time you are out for a beer. Especially men with young kids at home.

Women are touched out. Sex dries up. Men need sex to feel connected. Disconnect comes. Women need connection for sex. Less sex ensues. Downward spiral.

I have a happy ending for you - DW and I made it through the infant, toddler and ES years. Oldest is about to start middle school. We are connected again, we have a decent sex life. Everything is looking up.

I don't have a happy middle for you. We fought about sex. A lot. I was miserable. She cried. I had an affair. Two of them. She never found out about either affair. Most of my friends who were dad's of young kids had affairs too. One was caught, there are still together.

I wish I could give you advice but the truth is that all you can control is what you control. Keep planning date nights, keep in good shape, keep being attentive. Keep the conversation about sex on the front burner, even if it leads to tears. Accept quickies and boring sex, even when it stings your ego. Don't pout about the lack of sex. Go be the best version of you. And if (when) you have an affair, don't get caught. When the kids get older, hopefully your marriage will be strong and intact. Divorce is hell on kids. Stay married, stay sane.

Not OP bit another guy. Story sounds familiar but unlike OP I had an affair. Met her at the gym and she was like the woman version of me. High sex drive, in shape, husband was find of a butterball and limp-worsted (her words). We had sex, dirty texts, she sent photos, gave me head (which wife hadn't done in years). I felt revitalizes but broke it off. I couldn't keep up, it took a lot of time. How the hell did you manage two? I was super paranoid about being caught and covered my tracks. But still, that, the lying and time got to me.

Talk about bad advice. Whatever you do, don't have an affair. The PP who thinks everything's turned out so happy is living a lie after two affairs, and if his wife found out, he'd be crying about her divorcing him. A marriage based on lies is not a strong marriage.

Anonymous wrote:Your entire post is about blaming your wife!

Excuse me. The man offered up a list of things he's followed, the typical DCUM stuff of household chores and time with the kid. He's offered date nights, and brought the issue up with her. He's done everything that DCUM requires of each DH in order to earn his DW's attention. He sounds so achingly lonely and you jump in with an attack on a clearly exhausted man? At what point does it stop being about DH and his deficiencies, PP?

Try being helpful.

How old is the kid?

Your problem is really common, OP. Seriously. Bring it up with the guys next time you are out for a beer. Especially men with young kids at home.

Women are touched out. Sex dries up. Men need sex to feel connected. Disconnect comes. Women need connection for sex. Less sex ensues. Downward spiral.

I have a happy ending for you - DW and I made it through the infant, toddler and ES years. Oldest is about to start middle school. We are connected again, we have a decent sex life. Everything is looking up.

I don't have a happy middle for you. We fought about sex. A lot. I was miserable. She cried. I had an affair. Two of them. She never found out about either affair. Most of my friends who were dad's of young kids had affairs too. One was caught, there are still together.

I wish I could give you advice but the truth is that all you can control is what you control. Keep planning date nights, keep in good shape, keep being attentive. Keep the conversation about sex on the front burner, even if it leads to tears. Accept quickies and boring sex, even when it stings your ego. Don't pout about the lack of sex. Go be the best version of you. And if (when) you have an affair, don't get caught. When the kids get older, hopefully your marriage will be strong and intact. Divorce is hell on kids. Stay married, stay sane.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.

So sound boring, which is probably your wife is on her phone so much.

Still don't understand about the bonus. You want your wife to talk about it more?

It sounds like he wants her to acknowledge his accomplishment and maybe help him celebrate.

OP here..you get it. I would do the same

Geez OP. Man up and tell your wife how you feel! She can't read your mind.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you and DW need marriage counseling ASAP. Please try that first before starting an affair.

I never said I was going to have one..

Wow, you and DW need marriage counseling ASAP. Please try that first before starting an affair.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So first off you need to put your foot down about the phone. No comments and then it later comes back out. I would raise hell and not let that happen.

Second you need to make your own life more interesting. Find ways to engage her in conversation. Change the tv show you watch. Cook a new dinner together. It seems like your attitude is that she should make life interesting for you but it should go both ways.

Also not sure what your bonus has to do with things.

It's a big deal as it was for all the hard work for a massively successful project despite setbacks. I was a huge effort I led. See thing is, when you do stuff like that you tell your spouse. I'd be more than happy to hear news like that from her.

I don't like TV particularly as it's a waste of time, I instead get involved in productive things. I watched it because she like somemshows and I like to spend time with her. I don't cook anymore. I used to a lot and everyone enjoyed it. I mean I do but bring the extras in for friends and coworkers as they like it. I don't make things for her anymore. To be honest I like making food and as I have a pretty strict diet I maintain for health and appearance, it's healthy too.

So sound boring, which is probably your wife is on her phone so much.

Still don't understand about the bonus. You want your wife to talk about it more?

It sounds like he wants her to acknowledge his accomplishment and maybe help him celebrate.

OP here..you get it. I would do the same