Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, the way I see it, that money is not really mine. I saved it and earmarked it for my kid a s gift to pay for college, so at 18, he needs to figure out how to spend it. I don't generally tell people how to use their gifts.

Clearly, you use it as a means to keep your kid under your thumb. Have fun with that.

If I give my kids such an expensive "gift", I expect them to invest it, not blow it on a vacation.

Offering guidance that comes from years of wisdom is not the same as keeping them "under your thumb".

It is if your funding is contingent on your child choosing a major that you approve.

My DC can study whatever he likes. We provide guidance along the way - but ultimately the decision of what to major in is up to him.

Anonymous wrote:Well, the way I see it, that money is not really mine. I saved it and earmarked it for my kid a s gift to pay for college, so at 18, he needs to figure out how to spend it. I don't generally tell people how to use their gifts.

Clearly, you use it as a means to keep your kid under your thumb. Have fun with that.

+1

I pay because I have the financial resources to do so, and DC does not. He understands that he needs to use these four years to become educated, yes, but also self-supporting and prepared for the work world (or professional/grad school as he chooses).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I never thought about expecting my kid to inform me if he/she changed majors.
However, changing from say pre-med to to gender studies, I would want to know about that. Not going to pay for that. I regard it as a waste of time and money. But DC is free to pay his/her own tuition and fees, as many of you say, it's their life.

Why? Why would it bother you to pay for a major you don't agree with? That is controlling. I said this upthread. My kid can choose any ridiculous major he wants. I only pay for one ride. If it turns out to not work for him, he needs to figure out a way to pay for his second go around at college. Same with failing out.

I have to hope I give my kid the right tools to make the right decision for him, and the knowledge how to correct a mistake. I can't control him and hold money over his head when he never had a chance to earn the money for college and paying as you go is not as accessible an option as it was 25 years ago when I went to college.

Would it bother you to pay for a house you don't like, doesn't suit you or is not worth the price paid for it? That's essentially what we're talking about here with a college education, for about the same price. If I'm dropping $250K to educate my Larla, she'd better get something more than a queer/womyns/gender studies degree. By the way, my Larla knows this going in.

It's not my house. It's my DC's house. I've agreed to pay for it because I value it and want my DC to have it.

What DC does or doesn't do with what I pay for is up to him. He gets four years of my funding, on the understanding that becoming marketable and/or ready for graduate or professional school is 100% up to him.

Anonymous wrote:Well, the way I see it, that money is not really mine. I saved it and earmarked it for my kid a s gift to pay for college, so at 18, he needs to figure out how to spend it. I don't generally tell people how to use their gifts.

Clearly, you use it as a means to keep your kid under your thumb. Have fun with that.

If I give my kids such an expensive "gift", I expect them to invest it, not blow it on a vacation.

Offering guidance that comes from years of wisdom is not the same as keeping them "under your thumb".

Well, the way I see it, that money is not really mine. I saved it and earmarked it for my kid a s gift to pay for college, so at 18, he needs to figure out how to spend it. I don't generally tell people how to use their gifts.

Clearly, you use it as a means to keep your kid under your thumb. Have fun with that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I never thought about expecting my kid to inform me if he/she changed majors.
However, changing from say pre-med to to gender studies, I would want to know about that. Not going to pay for that. I regard it as a waste of time and money. But DC is free to pay his/her own tuition and fees, as many of you say, it's their life.

Why? Why would it bother you to pay for a major you don't agree with? That is controlling. I said this upthread. My kid can choose any ridiculous major he wants. I only pay for one ride. If it turns out to not work for him, he needs to figure out a way to pay for his second go around at college. Same with failing out.

I have to hope I give my kid the right tools to make the right decision for him, and the knowledge how to correct a mistake. I can't control him and hold money over his head when he never had a chance to earn the money for college and paying as you go is not as accessible an option as it was 25 years ago when I went to college.

Would it bother you to pay for a house you don't like, doesn't suit you or is not worth the price paid for it? That's essentially what we're talking about here with a college education, for about the same price. If I'm dropping $250K to educate my Larla, she'd better get something more than a queer/womyns/gender studies degree. By the way, my Larla knows this going in.

Anonymous wrote: I never thought about expecting my kid to inform me if he/she changed majors.
However, changing from say pre-med to to gender studies, I would want to know about that. Not going to pay for that. I regard it as a waste of time and money. But DC is free to pay his/her own tuition and fees, as many of you say, it's their life.

Why? Why would it bother you to pay for a major you don't agree with? That is controlling. I said this upthread. My kid can choose any ridiculous major he wants. I only pay for one ride. If it turns out to not work for him, he needs to figure out a way to pay for his second go around at college. Same with failing out.

I have to hope I give my kid the right tools to make the right decision for him, and the knowledge how to correct a mistake. I can't control him and hold money over his head when he never had a chance to earn the money for college and paying as you go is not as accessible an option as it was 25 years ago when I went to college.

I never thought about expecting my kid to inform me if he/she changed majors.
However, changing from say pre-med to to gender studies, I would want to know about that. Not going to pay for that. I regard it as a waste of time and money. But DC is free to pay his/her own tuition and fees, as many of you say, it's their life.

If you're paying for your DC to go to college so you can control them, don't pay. Its time to let go. A college sophomore should not need to say mommy may I before choosing their major. The whole idea is absurd. Will you also do their homework for them? Find them a job? Do their grad school applications? They either own their own lives or they don't.

Also, if they aren't telling you, there's a reason. It seems to me in the normal course of things this would be a topic of conversation. If they aren't telling you its because they are afraid of your reaction. What else won't they tell you?

Those of you who have younger kids (at least one of you) who somehow feel the need to weigh in here I have some news for you. One day they will grow up and you won't be able to control every aspect of their lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're adults. You helicopter parents need to back off. It's not your life.

how about if i "back off" on paying the tuition and living costs as well then?

That's a great idea. Heaven forbid they learn to make it on their like a real adult!

Not a great idea. My parents paid nothing and it was no favor. Took 20 years to pay off loans, I live in a house close to falling down and cannot afford to move, my health is shot from having to work to pay it all off, and in retrospect, I would have just gone straight to work instead and skipped college. Like I traded a decent house for an education that didnt really pay off as I hoped.

My folks were hands off and I changed my major maybe 6 or 8 times. Every once in a while I would mention it to my parents, usually when I was asking for another tuition check (I was at a Big 10 where tuition was charged by the credit hour). The only time either of my folks spontaneously inquired about my major was when my dad called me two weeks before graduation to make sure that I had reconfirmed with the school that I had all the credits I needed to graduate with my major. He didn't want to get there with my mom, siblings, two dogs and two sets of grandparents and have the whole thing fall through.

Oddly enough, DH and I have raised kids who like a much more consensus-style approach. They talk to their sibs about their majors, they talk to us and they talk to their grandparents. Even our 6 year-old can give a running monologue on the majors of his 3 college-age sibs. We were a little worried about it at first because we thought we had done something wrong (that they weren't hell bent on making the choice alone) but finally we figured out that it was okay and we go with the flow. Plus, since both of us end up talking with each of them at least once a day anyway, it would be a hard thing for them to keep secret!

In any event, we figure that they're all at good HYP schools and they know what their goals and plans are for the future. So we don't doubt that they will make choices for their majors that will help them achieve those goals. And since they all are on the full-ride Mom-and-Dad Scholarship Plan, we do have a vested financial interest. I understand some of the arguments that other posters are making about it being their money ... but, honestly, the college expense (about $70k per child for us) is a drop in the bucket compared to the time and money we've already put into the children. We're not going to start grandstanding now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they had to discuss wanting to change majors with me before doing it.

When you are not paying, you are not in control.

We are paying, but do not want to be in control. We are paying because we earn the money, and because we don't want DC to have student debt. We believe it is our responsibility to pay for his education through his undergraduate degree.

Just because we pay our kids' way doesn't make us dictators. As they get older, especially, we view our role as "trusted consultant." Our DC mostly treats us this way, because we don't exert control over him and his choices. He understands that college is an investment and that it is his responsibility to get an education and experience so as to enable him to be self-supporting after he gets his degree.

This is how it should be. And this is such a refreshing, healthy way to approach the situation.

Yes. There would be a MAJOR issue if my child switched majors given she has a $10,000 year scholarship from the engineering department at her school...

Helicopters cleared for takeoff....heading en masse to overpriced slacs and Big State U as we speak.

For those who say they expect to be consulted beforehand, under what circumstances would you permit the major change?

What would the consequences be if your child changed majors without telling you, and you were paying for some portion of their tuition? What if they did this and you weren't paying?

I'm in the camp of "it's my kid's life so it's entirely their choice and I don't need to know unless they want to tell me or consult me". I think both answers are valid and reasonable, but one thing that surprised me is the number of people (not just on this thread) who said they either stuck with a major they didn't want or purposefully hid their major change because they were scared to tell their parents. Scared of what, exactly? Do most parents only agree to pay for college with a specific major? Just curious...