Anonymous
10/19/2016 18:40
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He sounds like an insensitive asshole.
Of course he is. But op now knows this and chooses him anyway. This is the behavior she deems herself worthy of. So why are we here?
It isn't easy for everyone to sever meaningful relationships when they see fault. Some people do believe in the power of forgiveness, change, reconciliation. Sometimes it's a beautiful ending - sometimes it's. it.
OP from what you shared it sounds like he and you have a conflicting emotional maturity as well. If this isn't resolved, you're postponing a day that will come when you do divorce. Good luck.
Anonymous
10/19/2016 14:08
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP, most people have deeper emotions and responses related to sexual fidelity than you seem to grasp. Most likely, your husband secretly loathes you, but did what he had to to keep from losing access to his kids.
I am saying that rejection of your spouse's sexual advances on a consistent basis for years results in deep emotions and responses as well.
OP here. It's been three months. We were having sex regularly before I found out.
We're talking generally, OP, not about your specific situation any longer.
Anonymous
10/19/2016 14:00
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Marriage was not sexless. As a matter of fact, we were TTC while DH was cheating. So I'm really not sure where all of these PPs are getting this information.
That said, I sought a different, more tender, more intimate form of sex with my husband as I was/am both healing from childhood sexual abuse and my husband watched/es porn compulsively. It's a messy foundation. I can definitively say that I, at least, was unsatisfied with our sex life when I found out about the cheating.
Your husband watches porn compulsively? And cheats? And you had an active sex life, but it wasn't very good for you? Sounds like what happened with me. Have you considered sex addiction as an issue for him? Does he think it's a problem? Just curious, because my husband had/has a problem with it, as well as other serious issues, and sought therapy, does a 12-step (SAA), and other things, with positive results.
I think you must seriously pursue more therapy for yourself, as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, because when a husband cheats and then tries to push you into physical contact of any kind when you're still hurting, it feels like that old feeling you had, being molested as a child, doesn't it? And that's terrible for you. He's not really concerned about you, tries to push boundaries by emotionally manipulating, and really just wants to get his needs met. Your reaction may actually be a healthy, self-protecting reaction to him.
i am also the survivor of a cheating spouse with same profile - sex at home whenever he wanted, but still watched tons of porn and engaged in multiple affairs outside the relationship and abused substances. People like this have very deep problems that will take a lifetime of dedicated therapy in order to gain control of sexual impulsiveness. Sex addiction is often a diagnosis in these situations, but for what it's worth, in our situation, the cheating was heavily driven by hypersexuality of bipolar mania.
Therapy for the victom spouse is a must because with or without childhood sexual abuse, infidelity is a major trauma.
DH has been sober and in recovery since I found out about the cheating. I consider the sex addiction/dysfunction ancillary to his alcohol addiction and compulsive nature in general. He's also in a mindful meditation course. He's doing some work, which I give him credit for.
Anonymous
10/19/2016 13:57
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Marriage was not sexless. As a matter of fact, we were TTC while DH was cheating. So I'm really not sure where all of these PPs are getting this information.
That said, I sought a different, more tender, more intimate form of sex with my husband as I was/am both healing from childhood sexual abuse and my husband watched/es porn compulsively. It's a messy foundation. I can definitively say that I, at least, was unsatisfied with our sex life when I found out about the cheating.
Way to hide bombshell material information until late in the thread. Did your husband know about the childhood abuse prior to marrying you?
You know, I hadn't even acknowledged it to myself until about a year into my marriage. Prior to that, the information had never integrated - does that make sense? So as soon as I accepted the information myself, I told my husband. That was just over two years ago. I've now cut off the family member - and as a result, the rest of that side of the family.
I found out about his porn "habit" around the time I found out about the cheating, if you consider that important. (3x a day for years.)
Anonymous
10/19/2016 13:52
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Marriage was not sexless. As a matter of fact, we were TTC while DH was cheating. So I'm really not sure where all of these PPs are getting this information.
That said, I sought a different, more tender, more intimate form of sex with my husband as I was/am both healing from childhood sexual abuse and my husband watched/es porn compulsively. It's a messy foundation. I can definitively say that I, at least, was unsatisfied with our sex life when I found out about the cheating.
Your husband watches porn compulsively? And cheats? And you had an active sex life, but it wasn't very good for you? Sounds like what happened with me. Have you considered sex addiction as an issue for him? Does he think it's a problem? Just curious, because my husband had/has a problem with it, as well as other serious issues, and sought therapy, does a 12-step (SAA), and other things, with positive results.
I think you must seriously pursue more therapy for yourself, as a childhood sexual abuse survivor, because when a husband cheats and then tries to push you into physical contact of any kind when you're still hurting, it feels like that old feeling you had, being molested as a child, doesn't it? And that's terrible for you. He's not really concerned about you, tries to push boundaries by emotionally manipulating, and really just wants to get his needs met. Your reaction may actually be a healthy, self-protecting reaction to him.
i am also the survivor of a cheating spouse with same profile - sex at home whenever he wanted, but still watched tons of porn and engaged in multiple affairs outside the relationship and abused substances. People like this have very deep problems that will take a lifetime of dedicated therapy in order to gain control of sexual impulsiveness. Sex addiction is often a diagnosis in these situations, but for what it's worth, in our situation, the cheating was heavily driven by hypersexuality of bipolar mania.
Therapy for the victom spouse is a must because with or without childhood sexual abuse, infidelity is a major trauma.
Anonymous
10/19/2016 13:45
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Marriage was not sexless. As a matter of fact, we were TTC while DH was cheating. So I'm really not sure where all of these PPs are getting this information.
That said, I sought a different, more tender, more intimate form of sex with my husband as I was/am both healing from childhood sexual abuse and my husband watched/es porn compulsively. It's a messy foundation. I can definitively say that I, at least, was unsatisfied with our sex life when I found out about the cheating.
Way to hide bombshell material information until late in the thread. Did your husband know about the childhood abuse prior to marrying you?
Anonymous
10/19/2016 13:43
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:PP, most people have deeper emotions and responses related to sexual fidelity than you seem to grasp. Most likely, your husband secretly loathes you, but did what he had to to keep from losing access to his kids.
I am saying that rejection of your spouse's sexual advances on a consistent basis for years results in deep emotions and responses as well.
OP here. It's been three months. We were having sex regularly before I found out.
Anonymous
10/19/2016 13:41
Subject: Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says
Anonymous wrote:PP, most people have deeper emotions and responses related to sexual fidelity than you seem to grasp. Most likely, your husband secretly loathes you, but did what he had to to keep from losing access to his kids.
I am saying that rejection of your spouse's sexual advances on a consistent basis for years results in deep emotions and responses as well.