Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

PP who had her mom in the room, and regrets it. I agree with you 100% I happen to have a daughter. It was a mistake for me to invite my mom in the delivery room. It is my opinion now the only ones in should be the parents. Everyone else can wait.

21:59 here. I've got the same 'cred' as you - I've got 2 boys and 1 girl. I also had 2 unmedicated births (one with back labor) with a doula and 1 emergency C-section. For my SIL/DILs, I would never expect to be on par with their mothers. If you've got a 'normal' mother (and it sounds like you don't), your mother is always your mother and it's who you seek emotional support from in challenging times, not your MIL. Even medicated childbirth is a vulnerable time and while YOU may not want your mother in the room with you, OP clearly does. That's not sending any other message than OP's mother is a greater source of support than her MIL. Anyone surprised by that lacks perspective.

My mom and MIL so lack in boundaries--and I'm not close to either of them--that I refused to even tell them where I was giving birth. They both wailed and gnashed their teeth that I told them no way in hell were they coming to the birth. They're Me Monsters. It was all about them, not about, oh, I dunno, me, the person giving birth.

And they wonder why I keep my distance.

Ina May Gaskin.

Hi OP!
I recommend you read Ina May Yasmin's book about natural childbirth, so you can get some more positive nature birth stories and ideas that will help you during labor and birth, especially since you keep hearing your friends' negative experiences.
One of the points she makes, is that it is absolutely important for the mother to feel as safe and as comfortable as possible to do things like make sounds, move around, etc.
It doesn't sound like you would be that relaxed knowing that MIL is in the next room.
Your mother's doula experience puts her in a different role altogether. If you want her there, that is absolutely your choice, and you don't need to apologize for it. Do tell her that you might want her to leave, and that she should not feel hurt if you do. (Hopefully she'll be a great help to you and you won't want her to leave).
Have a great birthing experience with a healthy baby and mama!

It's not about the MIL. Some women and men are like this - they think every event is about them. My MIL got upset at my wedding because it wasn't more about her.

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

As the mom of two boys, I completely understand where OP is coming from. When we feel vulnerable, afraid, and exposed, we want our moms, who have helped us through the most difficult of situations. We don't want to feel vulnerable and exposed to people we are not super close to.

OP is sending a clear message to her MIL that OP is close to her mom and wants her support at a very challenging time.

It is not about MIL. It is about OP. As it *should* be about OP.