Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 17:00     Subject: Re:Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Not happy. I didn't think being home full time was really the issue. We both had good paying jobs with predictable hours. (8-4). The kids went to full time Montessori school and were thriving. We had a weekly cleaner and honestly in terms of the day to day details, I actually did more managing of our lives because my job was more flexible and easy than hers. I did all of the sick days, doctor visits, planning, etc. Yes, we were busy, but I felt very content.

I actually gave in and agreed that she should try to take some time off and it didn't help. But my wife didn't want to pull the kids out of full-time Montessori school, wanted to keep the same lifestyle in terms of expenses and refused to down size, etc. It was magical thinking because she hated her job and wanted a graceful out. She also admitted she felt trapped by the demands on her time, attention, lost in terms of what she wanted for her life etc. She was STILL depressed and now felt useless. I encouraged therapy and even offered to go with her. She refused.

Finally, she just left. I walked in the door with the kids and there was a note that said she regretted every having children and being married and being tied down and that was it. From what I can gather from my former in-laws, she lives in Asia and basically started over. Our kids were 2, 4, 6. That was 12 years ago. My oldest left for college last month. She missed everything.

Anyway, didn't want to go dark, but I think being home can be a great thing. I would approach it in a more healthy way and really think about the role in terms of the family and in terms of yourself. I would make a financial plan and would think through issues like insurance, etc. If it makes sense, then go for it.


I feel for you. Lived with a very selfish woman for many, many, years and she too refused therapy but at least she was a good mother to our children. I wished your ex had gotten the help she needed rather than fleeing. I feel for your children and do hope they have had some counseling along the way.

As to your oldest leaving for college. That ate me up when my first one left.

I do appreciate your sharing and wish you well.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 16:53     Subject: Re:Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:When I first dated DH during our first kiss I told him I would never stay at home.

Guess what, 8 years later I am a SAHM. DH earns the same you do, he is amazingly supportive. Talk to your husband OP, we can only speculate what his reaction will be.


First kiss? Wow. I'm impressed that he hung around. I at least waited a while before I shared some things I didn't believe I could do when married. First kiss? I am still trying to get over that you felt the need to share that while having put your lips to his for the first time. lol
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 16:23     Subject: Re:Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Not happy. I didn't think being home full time was really the issue. We both had good paying jobs with predictable hours. (8-4). The kids went to full time Montessori school and were thriving. We had a weekly cleaner and honestly in terms of the day to day details, I actually did more managing of our lives because my job was more flexible and easy than hers. I did all of the sick days, doctor visits, planning, etc. Yes, we were busy, but I felt very content.

I actually gave in and agreed that she should try to take some time off and it didn't help. But my wife didn't want to pull the kids out of full-time Montessori school, wanted to keep the same lifestyle in terms of expenses and refused to down size, etc. It was magical thinking because she hated her job and wanted a graceful out. She also admitted she felt trapped by the demands on her time, attention, lost in terms of what she wanted for her life etc. She was STILL depressed and now felt useless. I encouraged therapy and even offered to go with her. She refused.

Finally, she just left. I walked in the door with the kids and there was a note that said she regretted every having children and being married and being tied down and that was it. From what I can gather from my former in-laws, she lives in Asia and basically started over. Our kids were 2, 4, 6. That was 12 years ago. My oldest left for college last month. She missed everything.

Anyway, didn't want to go dark, but I think being home can be a great thing. I would approach it in a more healthy way and really think about the role in terms of the family and in terms of yourself. I would make a financial plan and would think through issues like insurance, etc. If it makes sense, then go for it.


This is such a sad story for your kids (I cannot wish you to have stayed with such a selfish person, hope you found someone else during those 12 years). How did your kids cope? Have they seen her during those years??
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 16:15     Subject: Re:Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Wife not husband, but my husband had very mixed feelings when I raised the idea shortly after going back to work after our first was born, even though we'd talked about it as a possibility before getting married. His concern pretty much boiled down to not wanting to take a big lifestyle hit for it, which I suspect (but never voiced to him because it would have been needlessly antagonistic in the context of our discussions) was because he didn't really see there being much upside for him in that arrangement. I raised the idea as something I was considering and explained why I thought it would be a good idea, both my own emotional difficulty being away from our child and the difficulties I was having doing my job well and doing my share of the childcare (which I ended up doing more of due to things like nursing/pumping). When he resisted the idea, I said I wasn't going to pressure him on it, but asked that he just think about it before making up his mind. In the meantime, I made sure not to take on an unfair share of childcare/housework, I was very direct in asking him to take on his half of everything. It didn't take very long for him to realize how much work it was to juggle both his job and 50% of the homefront and decide he'd be happier overall with less income but more free time for everyone.


There's this. My husband did not want me to stay home, in part because he did not want the pressure of being to sole breadwinner (neither of us made anything close to $500K, so it's not like we had some giant cushion in case he lost his job or was disabled). But also because we would take a big lifestyle hit, including moving farther out to be able to afford housing, and making his commute at least six times longer. In return, he would be home much later every night and spend less time with our kids. We neded up deciding that I should keep working. Yes, there are times when it would be nice to have someone staying home and handling that side of things, but we're managing, and we're both able to get home at a decent hour and spend time as a family. So, it really depends on each person's income and what effect losing one income would have, whether both partners are willing to make the reductions in spending necessary, etc. And that's something that only OP and her husband can know.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 15:18     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Read "The Two Income Trap" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). She makes a very good case for stay at home moms, even though she was a divorced mother who went back to work of her own choice.


She has a book? For coloring? I'd heard those were popular.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 15:15     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He makes 3/4 of a million annually and you need to have someone else raise Junior? Is this a troll?


What? Did you read my post? I said I want to quit my job and be a SAHM, probably permanently.


I DID read your post and maybe should have written "HE needs to have some else. . ." Because I cannot imagine why you need to work once the baby is born other than to be making a show of being a career-oriented person OR to wallpaper your pacer room in $50s.


Nice.

I'd work if my husband made $2 million. My job helps people, it's important to me, and children raised in dual-worker households thrive as much as those in single-earner households.

Children probably don't do best with judgmental parents with rigid and unfounded opinions, but I don't have data on that. Unlike PP, I won't make a blanket statement that I can't support.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 15:08     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Whaaattt? We can't afford that!!!" But he only makes 500K.


New Poster. Your husband won't let you SAHM on an income of half a million dollars? How badly do you want to do it?


I know my fiancé never would. He thinks everyone needs to "pull their own weight" and be "self sufficient" and he cannot imagine a husband supporting a wife. I can't stand him so often.


So at what age will your kids need to get jobs? By first grade when they can read and write enough to fill out a job application? Will they have to move out or can they stay in the family home and pay rent? And how will mealtime work in your home? Everyone shops and cooks for themselves? If your husband becomes ill or injured how will he handle being self-sufficient? I hope he has a plan.


I honestly am very certain he would expect kids to pay rent after a certain age.


For the love of god do NOT marry him! He sounds awful. Not husband material!!! Wtf did his parents do to him? Did he grow up locked in a tower or something
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 15:06     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He makes 3/4 of a million annually and you need to have someone else raise Junior? Is this a troll?


What? Did you read my post? I said I want to quit my job and be a SAHM, probably permanently.


I DID read your post and maybe should have written "HE needs to have some else. . ." Because I cannot imagine why you need to work once the baby is born other than to be making a show of being a career-oriented person OR to wallpaper your pacer room in $50s.


Well to be honest, I'm worried that he'll lose respect for me despite what he may say on the outside, which is why I'm posting to see what other men think generally about this.


This is the worst place to ask your question OP. In real life many men appreciate their wives staying home and managing the house and family. This is a commonly accepted partnership among MANY people. The only person you really need to discuss it with is YOUR HUSBAND. Strictly a family decision.
If he is not on board than no you cannot do it. But you will need to discuss how you will split house and parenting responsibilities.
On the other hand, if he is okay with the idea of you not working you need to discuss expectations and how you will work together as a couple. Then you might want to check in periodically to make sure the arrangement is actually working.
You will know quickly if he loses respect for you - he will act disrespectfully towards you. You will come back to DCUM to get some feedback on the situation and be told that you are a worthless SAHM and not deserving of respect from ANYONE let alone your "provider."

Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 15:01     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Whaaattt? We can't afford that!!!" But he only makes 500K.


New Poster. Your husband won't let you SAHM on an income of half a million dollars? How badly do you want to do it?


I know my fiancé never would. He thinks everyone needs to "pull their own weight" and be "self sufficient" and he cannot imagine a husband supporting a wife. I can't stand him so often.


So at what age will your kids need to get jobs? By first grade when they can read and write enough to fill out a job application? Will they have to move out or can they stay in the family home and pay rent? And how will mealtime work in your home? Everyone shops and cooks for themselves? If your husband becomes ill or injured how will he handle being self-sufficient? I hope he has a plan.


I honestly am very certain he would expect kids to pay rent after a certain age.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 14:58     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Whaaattt? We can't afford that!!!" But he only makes 500K.


New Poster. Your husband won't let you SAHM on an income of half a million dollars? How badly do you want to do it?


I know my fiancé never would. He thinks everyone needs to "pull their own weight" and be "self sufficient" and he cannot imagine a husband supporting a wife. I can't stand him so often.


He makes over half million.


Why marry for money if you're going to have to keep working anyway? If you can land him, you can land another "provider." Or are you really young and planning to build some assets for a few years and then divorce him?


No - I am really old and unmarried. I'm not looking for a "provider" and I actually make over quarter million so not looking for someone to take care of me. I'm just offended by his lack of thinking other contributions are "contributions" and the "subtle" threat in there that essentially, even though I'm in this "partnership" I'm on my own.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 14:58     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Read "The Two Income Trap" by Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). She makes a very good case for stay at home moms, even though she was a divorced mother who went back to work of her own choice.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 14:54     Subject: Re:Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:Wife not husband, but my husband had very mixed feelings when I raised the idea shortly after going back to work after our first was born, even though we'd talked about it as a possibility before getting married. His concern pretty much boiled down to not wanting to take a big lifestyle hit for it, which I suspect (but never voiced to him because it would have been needlessly antagonistic in the context of our discussions) was because he didn't really see there being much upside for him in that arrangement. I raised the idea as something I was considering and explained why I thought it would be a good idea, both my own emotional difficulty being away from our child and the difficulties I was having doing my job well and doing my share of the childcare (which I ended up doing more of due to things like nursing/pumping). When he resisted the idea, I said I wasn't going to pressure him on it, but asked that he just think about it before making up his mind. In the meantime, I made sure not to take on an unfair share of childcare/housework, I was very direct in asking him to take on his half of everything. It didn't take very long for him to realize how much work it was to juggle both his job and 50% of the homefront and decide he'd be happier overall with less income but more free time for everyone.


This woman has her head on straight. So many working moms (including me in years past) take on far more than their share of the childcare and home duties and are constantly worn out as a result. Husband's very quickly take this situation for granted and the relationship often suffers as a result. If you choose to work and have kids, start out like you plan to go on unless you want to live the life of a drudge.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 14:54     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Whaaattt? We can't afford that!!!" But he only makes 500K.


New Poster. Your husband won't let you SAHM on an income of half a million dollars? How badly do you want to do it?


I know my fiancé never would. He thinks everyone needs to "pull their own weight" and be "self sufficient" and he cannot imagine a husband supporting a wife. I can't stand him so often.


So at what age will your kids need to get jobs? By first grade when they can read and write enough to fill out a job application? Will they have to move out or can they stay in the family home and pay rent? And how will mealtime work in your home? Everyone shops and cooks for themselves? If your husband becomes ill or injured how will he handle being self-sufficient? I hope he has a plan.


Not PP but my kid are required to start working in the summer after 8th and they have to do 20 hours of community service starting in 6th.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 14:48     Subject: Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Whaaattt? We can't afford that!!!" But he only makes 500K.


New Poster. Your husband won't let you SAHM on an income of half a million dollars? How badly do you want to do it?


I know my fiancé never would. He thinks everyone needs to "pull their own weight" and be "self sufficient" and he cannot imagine a husband supporting a wife. I can't stand him so often.


So at what age will your kids need to get jobs? By first grade when they can read and write enough to fill out a job application? Will they have to move out or can they stay in the family home and pay rent? And how will mealtime work in your home? Everyone shops and cooks for themselves? If your husband becomes ill or injured how will he handle being self-sufficient? I hope he has a plan.
Anonymous
Post 09/15/2016 14:44     Subject: Re:Men: What was your reaction when your wife said she wanted to SAHM?
When I first dated DH during our first kiss I told him I would never stay at home.

Guess what, 8 years later I am a SAHM. DH earns the same you do, he is amazingly supportive. Talk to your husband OP, we can only speculate what his reaction will be.