This sucks, OP. You know deep down he's been lying to you all along. And still is. Trust yourself. Don't let him gaslight and make you miserable.

Best wishes.

I'm 99.7 percent sure it's been physical since your marriage. That's just a BS lie to try to get out of admitting the full extent of his cheating. That he's been having an affair the entirety of your marriage should give you serious pause about there being anything to work to save. Unless you have kids, cut your losses now. I hope you have a therapist (not marriage counselor!).

I couldn't realistically move on & be good in my marriage if I didn't find out the reason(s) my husband was telling me all those hurtful things just six months ago.

If you keep your mouth shut, trust me on this.....Your frustration over this will only get worse until you reach your threshold.
And when that occurs, it won't be a pretty situation at all.
Plus there will always be that huge "elephant in the room" whenever you are w/your spouse.

The smartest thing for you to do OP is to address this issue N-O-W.
Talk directly to your husband + simply explain how you feel.
He should see your perspective since anyone in your shoes would feel the same way.

If he doesn't see your perspective or refuses to discuss it then your marriage still has a long way to go.

Good luck.

Honey, you are married to a man who has lied to you regularly since before you got married. I am really sorry, but you have nothing to work with here. There is nothing he can do or say to truly regain your trust because he is a liar. Have you heard the term "trickle truth" before? This is what chronic liars do ... they only admit to things that they are certain you already know. They tell more lies to cover prior lies. When backed into the corner with irrefutable proof ... they still color their confession with lies and ommissions. This is no way to live. You may wish to rebuild what you thought you had with him, but you need to understand that all you had was a liar who views you as an option until something he likes better comes along. You are NOT an option ... don't let anyone treat you like you are. If you stay, you face never really knowing when he will hurt you next. But he will. Don't waste anymore of your precious life on a liar. I wasted 20 years ...I hope you will not do the same. Leaving someone you love is really hard, but staying will be harder in the end.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here again - so it turned out the affair was the month before we got engaged (the sexual hookup) and the remainder of two years since have been regular phone calls/ texts (the "emotional" affair). DH denies that anything physical has happened since we got married, and that he was not having an affair in the period six months ago when he was asking for the divorce. My gut tells me I still don't know the full story.

Would I be reasonable to request phone record access to do a post mortem of that time period to see if he was regularly texting/calling any other Women? I am trying to move on and make things work and want the full disclosure/information in order to move on.

If he cheated before you even got engaged, you never had a real marriage. Just move on.

This. Sorry, but it's the cold truth. You've married a lie.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again - so it turned out the affair was the month before we got engaged (the sexual hookup) and the remainder of two years since have been regular phone calls/ texts (the "emotional" affair). DH denies that anything physical has happened since we got married, and that he was not having an affair in the period six months ago when he was asking for the divorce. My gut tells me I still don't know the full story.

Would I be reasonable to request phone record access to do a post mortem of that time period to see if he was regularly texting/calling any other Women? I am trying to move on and make things work and want the full disclosure/information in order to move on.

Okay, this hurts, and it is painful, but it needs to be done. OP, you have to leave him. You understand that, right? Too many lies, too much is broken to fix.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again - so it turned out the affair was the month before we got engaged (the sexual hookup) and the remainder of two years since have been regular phone calls/ texts (the "emotional" affair). DH denies that anything physical has happened since we got married, and that he was not having an affair in the period six months ago when he was asking for the divorce. My gut tells me I still don't know the full story.

Would I be reasonable to request phone record access to do a post mortem of that time period to see if he was regularly texting/calling any other Women? I am trying to move on and make things work and want the full disclosure/information in order to move on.

If he cheated before you even got engaged, you never had a real marriage. Just move on.

Anonymous wrote:Op here again - so it turned out the affair was the month before we got engaged (the sexual hookup) and the remainder of two years since have been regular phone calls/ texts (the "emotional" affair). DH denies that anything physical has happened since we got married, and that he was not having an affair in the period six months ago when he was asking for the divorce. My gut tells me I still don't know the full story.

Would I be reasonable to request phone record access to do a post mortem of that time period to see if he was regularly texting/calling any other Women? I am trying to move on and make things work and want the full disclosure/information in order to move on.

You're just believing the lies he is spinning at the moment without pushing back? Yes, ask for the records and e-mail passwords and say you want them immediately, not in a week or two after he has had even more time to clean up his mess.

Op here again - so it turned out the affair was the month before we got engaged (the sexual hookup) and the remainder of two years since have been regular phone calls/ texts (the "emotional" affair). DH denies that anything physical has happened since we got married, and that he was not having an affair in the period six months ago when he was asking for the divorce. My gut tells me I still don't know the full story.

Would I be reasonable to request phone record access to do a post mortem of that time period to see if he was regularly texting/calling any other Women? I am trying to move on and make things work and want the full disclosure/information in order to move on.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, by all means think of the worst possible reason.

Did you not read the thread? She reported back, and he was having an affair.

Yes, by all means think of the worst possible reason.

Sorry it turned out this way, but glad you saw the light and got him to fess up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks all. It honestly never occurred to me that the breakup of an AP could have triggered his sudden desire for a divorce.......

We were having fairly regular sex the whole time over the time leading up to his divorce threats (like, twice a week or so)..... I've never denied him sex although in the past he's said he'd like more of it or that we weren't having enough of it (although sometimes when I tried to initiate he pushed me away).....

What are other clues I should be looking out for if there was an affair?

I've been tested for STDs (for regular annual) and am free of them.....

No. You have it backwards. The AP triggered him ASKING for the divorce. He had a fancy notion she was going to divorce and he was too and they would live happily ever after. Your update that her husband contacted you makes it pretty clear he found out, so she ended the affair, and with no AP to run off into the sunset with, you DH decided he was just going to stick around after all.

I can't believe this wasn't totally obvious to you or that you believed him that some strange psycho man just found you out of the clear blue sky to lie about his wife having an affair with your husband.

+1 You are a bit naive, OP. But maybe you need to be, to stay with this guy. I'm sorry.

OP, do you have children together?

so sorry. It sounded to me like an affair, but I hoped I'd be wrong. at least now you're more in the driver's seat.

OP again -- BTW - -I really appreciate that the husband of the AP reached out to me -- on a hunch, after my DH called the man "psycho" enough, I replied to the AP's DH and that is how the truth came out.

I feel like before this happened, I wondered if I would "tell" on a wife or husband who was cheating if I saw it, and now I definitely think I would..... the spouse deserves to know....else there is a nagging feeling in their gut that something is wrong and they don't know why.....

As they say, the truth will set you free!

Thanks DCUM comment for helping me see the light.