Op here:

Just to set the record straight....the party wasn't my idea.

I suggested that we rent a beach house and have the immediate family all spend a long weekend there together for Mom's birthday.

Dad suggested the party, vetoed the beach idea.....

Wow, OP, my heart goes out to you. Your mother really is hard to deal with! Anyway, sounds like you're doing the best that you can - don't get caught up in fights over stuff, be noncommittal, and let others stoke drama but don't take the bait. And just consider this a learning experience. You wanted to surprise your mom and take the control over the details away from her -- which, given how anxious she is, was doomed to fail once she found out about the party. Next time you know not to go down this road. Give up on trying to make your mom see reason and don't even go there.

But the whole thing sounds awful. Hope you can get through it without going nuts! Good luck!

OP here...

Thanks to everyone who responded. I really appreciate it.

I thought you'd appreciate an update on how this already absurd situation has gotten even more absurd.

So, after Mom found out about the party, it's location and details I did call and look into switching the venue to one of the "fancier" places she wanted. Unfortunately, they don't have a party room large enough to accommodate a group of our size. So that's off the table. When I told her this she rambled off a list of 5 other places my Dad could have booked for the party. At that point I told her we should just cancel the party since she was so unhappy with it.

She was adamant that she didn't want to cancel it because people have already booked time on their calendars to come (lol!!)

A few days later I get a call, she's super excited because she decided to "check something off her bucket list" and order a cake for the party from a famous bakery. It's a two tiered cake with a monogram of her name standing on top. Apparently she initially wanted something more custom (in the shape of a particular kind of car) but was upset at how much they wanted to charge for that kind of cake.

Oh, and she has also decided on a "beach" theme for the party......

I then get a call from Mom because after much badgering Dad has taken her to see the restaurant/private room and to select the menu. She hates the place, hates the room. She says it's boring looking, it has an unworking stone fireplace in it and a door with an exit sign above it (the horror).

She then details that she went out and bought 30 balloons, confetti and a bunch of crap from Michaels to make sand/candle centerpieces (ewww...are you kidding me?)for the tables to "dress things up".

It took all I had within me to just say, "Uh huh...sounds good" and not respond to any of this with an opinion.

An hour after the phone call she texts me a picture of the room. Looks pretty typical to me. Gold walls, wood beams, a stone fireplace, table rounds. Ok. I text her back that it looks nice and should be easy to dress it up. I wash my hands of it.

She then texts back assigning me to dress the room for her.

I'm pretty pissed at this point because I had already told her to deal with Dad about the party when we last spoke about it. That I was out. She just wants to complain and boss everyone around.

Dad then calls me and tells me he will take care of it. He's being a martyr to her whims. He's miserable, but won't stand up to her and she's running roughshod over him.

Dad is returning the Michaels crap. He's now looking into flowers for the tables. I told him to keep the balloons, we'll use them. He's texting me photos of flower centerpieces to help him choose.

I'm super frustrated and at this point I just can't wait until this party is over.

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP comes back to give us an update.

+1

Yes, OP, please update us. I hope you went ahead and had the party (because to cancel at this point, especially with travel plans involved for many guests, would be beyond crass). I hope you told your mom, who is so deeply invested in appearances, that it would have a truly horrid appearance and reflect very negatively on her if you have to contact all her old friends and say, "Sorry, mom doesn't like the venue/menu/details, so it's all off. Questions? Please contact mom directly."

OP, on the day of the party itself, to spare yourself, I'd try to have another person designated as mom's "keeper" for the event -- the person who is around her the most, who greets guests and guides the over to mom to say hello, etc. If you have a cool and calm relative who would be good at that, and you can enlist that kind of help, do so. Say that you need to be off to the side doing whatever -- collecting the gifts (if any come) or checking in with the restaurant manager, whatever tasks you can assign to yourself so you are busy but not directly next to mom the whole time. Get yourself out of her line of fire as much as possible on the day. Just try to enjoy visiting with the guests for your own sake if you can. Sorry this has been such a nightmare for you. It's sad to see posts here trying to throw blame on you as if you are the problem. You aren't.

I hope OP comes back to give us an update.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, a 70 year old woman is supposed to be HAPPY and THRILLED that you're throwing a party for her at a restaurant she doesn't want to go to, and not listening to any of her other preferences?

Is this a party for your mother, or for you, OP? Or is it just some huge passive aggressive "payback" by you to your mother?

You sound like you don't really like her. In fact, you sound like you hate her.

I think you're reading way too much malice into the daughter's motivation here. What kind of parent would want their child to overspend when throwing a party? Seems selfish of the parent to value having things just so over the financial well-being of their child.

Right? Mom hasn't been to either of the restaurants, as I understand it. I presume that OP and her father chose somewhere nice that was within their budget. They went to a lot of trouble to invite the mom's friends. I see no indication that they planned this party out of spite or set out to make mom unhappy. They planned a nice party, and she's just nitpicking and ungrateful. And she wants them to spend money they don't have. Mom is being a bitch. When someone plans a party for you, even when it's not a surprise, you don't get to control every detail, and you can't demand that they blow their budget.

You say your Mother refuses to plan her own party but insists you change the one you're planning. So she is planning her own party but having you handle the work and expense. Cancel the party. If anyone asks tell them truthfully that Mom found out and didn't want the party you were planning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that we didn't know she had these very particular preferences and she found out about the party after the invitations went out and all the guests RSVP'd.

So we should really cancel all the plans, and try to change to the other venue (if they even have availability, plus its a 40 minute drive from the original venue)?

No. Have the party as planned. She's being foolish. Be careful about the advice you get on DCUM.

+1

Simply put, your mother is being an ungrateful asshole. Proceed as planned.

We had an IL surprise party planned. They told us to cancel our visit since we weren't throwing them a party and "only" planning to take them out to dinner (the cover story, obviously). Assholes.

Sorry, but shouldn't you have known better? Presumably she's pulled stuff like this before.

No surprise parties ever.

I would cancel. Life is too short.

Take her to the Golden Corral! That would serve her right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, a 70 year old woman is supposed to be HAPPY and THRILLED that you're throwing a party for her at a restaurant she doesn't want to go to, and not listening to any of her other preferences?

Is this a party for your mother, or for you, OP? Or is it just some huge passive aggressive "payback" by you to your mother?

You sound like you don't really like her. In fact, you sound like you hate her.

I think you're reading way too much malice into the daughter's motivation here. What kind of parent would want their child to overspend when throwing a party? Seems selfish of the parent to value having things just so over the financial well-being of their child.

It may be too late for a middle ground here. It depends on how much time is left before the party. The venue is booked, and the deposits are probably not refundable. The invitations have gone out and all the guests have already responded. Obviously the guests that are coming are not offended by the choice of venue -- they said yes after all.

I would tell Mom and her blabby friend the party is cancelled. But don't cancel the party. Refuse to talk about it with her any more. If there is anything she wants like an fancy ice sculpture or food that you can still incorporate into the party, add that. Then take Mom for a ride the day of her party and stop in to the restaurant to pick up "a refund check." I think she'll end up enjoying herself. Oh, and maybe get someone else to offer the blabby friend a ride an hour before the party. If she can't make it on such short notice -- too bad.

Love this response!

This is excellent advice!

Anonymous wrote:So, a 70 year old woman is supposed to be HAPPY and THRILLED that you're throwing a party for her at a restaurant she doesn't want to go to, and not listening to any of her other preferences?

Is this a party for your mother, or for you, OP? Or is it just some huge passive aggressive "payback" by you to your mother?

You sound like you don't really like her. In fact, you sound like you hate her.

I think you're reading way too much malice into the daughter's motivation here. What kind of parent would want their child to overspend when throwing a party? Seems selfish of the parent to value having things just so over the financial well-being of their child.

It may be too late for a middle ground here. It depends on how much time is left before the party. The venue is booked, and the deposits are probably not refundable. The invitations have gone out and all the guests have already responded. Obviously the guests that are coming are not offended by the choice of venue -- they said yes after all.

I would tell Mom and her blabby friend the party is cancelled. But don't cancel the party. Refuse to talk about it with her any more. If there is anything she wants like an fancy ice sculpture or food that you can still incorporate into the party, add that. Then take Mom for a ride the day of her party and stop in to the restaurant to pick up "a refund check." I think she'll end up enjoying herself. Oh, and maybe get someone else to offer the blabby friend a ride an hour before the party. If she can't make it on such short notice -- too bad.