Anonymous wrote:Hmm...I opened this prepared to be pretty harsh on him. But I'm not sure it's the case. If the mom has her own life out in California, maybe she really doesn't want him to intrude. Maybe the daughter doesn't really want an awkward twice a year visit with a guy she barely knows? She may have another man (or woman) in her life that she views as her second parent, and not be really interested in this guy filling that role. I guess I'd need to know more about how he interacts with her. I think if he makes it clear to the daughter that he's there for her if she wants him for something (other than 42K a year), I wouldn't judge him too harshly for this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Anonymous wrote:$3500/month seems like a lot of child support. Are you sure that part is for real?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

Anonymous wrote:OP, that child knows her father is not there for her. That is a horrible way to live. I could not date someone who is that way. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

Anonymous wrote:If you were 25 or 26 it would be a no brainer to drop him and move on, but at 29 you're running out of time. Might have to accept it and keep him.

Anonymous wrote:I would also like to know lawyer do you have any clients paying $3500 for one kid in child support and if so, what is their income?

Anonymous wrote:I am 29, female. Have been dating a 32 year old man for 4 months, so it is still very new but given our ages and frequency of seeing each other, it's starting to get serious.
He disclosed to me at the very beginning that he has an 11 year old daughter that lives in California with her mother. I didn't ask too many questions at first, but as time goes on, I feel more comfortable sort of 'getting the whole story' without being nosey.
He was 21, new gf 'messed up' birth control. Gets pregnant. He is young and not expecting this.
He is in the babies life for the first couple years, but not together with the gf anymore, so his visits with the baby were merely visits. After those first two years, she moves to California with the baby to be closer to her sister.

He has been out there once. They come here about once every other year. So he never sees his daughter, never talks to her. She knows about her dad and who her dad is. I think they skype twice a year. He has contributed financially but that's it (has sent them $3.5k/ month since infancy). He describes it as.... Not wanting to interject into their lives. He wasn't 'with' the mom anymore and at the age of 23 was not about to move his entire life to California to sort of 'be there' when they were already starting a new family unit. I get that.

But, I'm just not sure what to think of this. Naive me is thinking 'WTF, that's your daughter..' And that this is a huge red flag. But mature me understands that not everything is black and white and there's lots of dynamics that I don't understand. Part of me thinks he's being lazy - he kind of shrugs it off and almost acts like he's doing her a favor by not putting too much effort in seeing her. I see this as a red flag. What kind of husband and father would he be now? The other part of me knows that people grow and change and improve and I obviously can't make any assumptions, I don't know him THAT well yet.

Any words of wisdom?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

No don't do that. You don't really know what's going on here and this is another woman and little girl's life. I would cut and run. Sorry but somewhere along the line he should have realized how awful this was of him and stepped up on visitation. And truly OP do you think he's NETTING $20k+ a month? Because that's approximately where he would need to be close to $3500 in support for one kid. So is not believable to you that he has been pulling in NET $220,000 or so all this time? Does anything about his lifestyle suggest that he's making a quarter million a year? Because that CS number is such bs I truly think he sends nothing. He has no idea a normal amount so just made up that wild ass number.

Lawyer again. There's a number of ways this could be accurate on an income of far less than $20K monthly net including, for example, if the child has special needs. See also my example above about daycare and the CP being in school. We also have no idea what state the order is in and when, if ever, it was last modified.

Getting down to brass tacks, it's really hard to dodge child support if you're a regular wage earner, especially if you have a high-paying job so I find it unlikely she didn't come after him for a contribution of some sort. I do think it's worth doing some due diligence and verifying that the $3,500 amount is accurate if you choose to proceed with him.

Ok but lawyer, as a reasonable person what is more likely:

The daughter he never sees has special needs he didn't mention that warrant $3500 a month since infancy

Or

He's lying

Cmon!