I feel like OP just came to vent v. get suggestions for how to change things as she has shot down every recommendation for help.

So vent away.

Anonymous wrote:OP - if you're trying and failing to want sex with your husband, turn out all the lights and pretend he is someone else and go wild. If that doesn't work you might want to find out if sex with anyone interests you.

Like a neighbor?

OP - if you're trying and failing to want sex with your husband, turn out all the lights and pretend he is someone else and go wild. If that doesn't work you might want to find out if sex with anyone interests you.

OP, I get that you are sad and discouraged. But it's not hopeless. Long term marriages go through ups and downs. There have been times I have been repulsed by my DH. Then times when I have wanted him. Our desires do not always match. And, after doing some deep soul-searching (in my case with the help of therapy), I see that sometimes when I feel distant from him, I'm the one doing the pushing away.

The problem is that intimacy has withered between you. And you need to get that enjoyment, playfulness, back. You guys get along in so many other ways, it is worth the work to do this. Do you want to live the rest of your life with no passion? Because that is how it sounds like you are resigning yourself. Don't do that. You only get one life. You are an example to your children.

You guys could really benefit from counseling. You should look for free or low-cost options.

But in the meantime, I suggest you read a book called "Should you leave? A psychiatrist explores intimacy." It is *not* a simple book but a thoughtful exploration of intimacy over time and what people struggle with, and why.

I also suggest that both you and your DH read a book called "Passionate Marriage." Again, not a simple book. No simple answers. But it's thought-provoking.

I have a spouse who no longer works, and who I have at times been not at all interested in being intimate with. But it goes up and down, ebbs and flows. A lot of it has to do with me and how I am feeling. It may not all be your DH, but your own mood. Anyway, read these two books (get them for free from the library) and see how you feel.

Read romance novels.

Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Did you miss the bait and switch her husband pulled on her right after they got married? How he went from low drive to no drive at all? I don't blame her for being over it. She shouldn't even try to get her desire back from him, but if she's going to stay and no one can afford help well, then that's just going to be life. Nothing she can do but resign herself to that instead of gettingg snippy with people who are giving the only advice they can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.

Sigh.


But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.

Jesus, for the sake of men, I hope he's impotent or gay. I have no idea how any sane, healthy man couldn't keep his hands off of you. By the ton of your post, I'm guessing you have a high drive, so how do you maintain your sanity?

Physical repulsion or just not attracted? Attraction can return, not to the lust-filled honeymoon phase, but something different, as long as there isn't repulsion. I spent time or attracted to DH but not repulsed. I didn't mind snuggling or back rubs, but it didn't get me wet like it used to. Over time we have gotten back to somewhere better. Not great but better

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.

Sigh.


But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.

Wow, your size two and double Ds really make you the perfect person. No one deserves you.

translated : My socially acceptable anorexia and silicone enhanced breasts make me perfect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.

Sigh.


But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.

Wow, your size two and double Ds really make you the perfect person. No one deserves you.

Anonymous wrote:God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Because I'm a perfect DW who works out daily, and my mean, uncaring, fat, ugly, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic husband doesn't deserve my size two self with double Ds. Oh, and he's impotent. Jesus, I have it bad.

Sigh.


But really, who doesn't look at oneself and not see a practically perfect person? It is much easy to excuse ones own behavior than somebody else's.

God, why does every DCUM post read like this. " I am a perfect DW but I don't want to have any sex with my DH because he is mean, uncaring, lazy, unemployed, fat, ugly, distant, depressed, angry, poor, workaholic (pick any two).

Have faith in yourself-If u want to do counseling or therapy together do it, and it can get better. If you want things not to change, keep doing what u r doing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for everyone who suggests therapy.

Are there any actual examples of women being able to therapy their way out of resenting their husband and being unattracted such that they were once again attracted and wanted sex with him?

Can therapy really cure resentment and repulsion?

Sure it can. It's about communicating and getting grievances out in the open, feeling heard and understood, and changing behaviors to avoid falling back into the same place. Therapy can play a critical role in facilitating all of that. By no means is it an easy process, but with two willing and committed partners it can be done.

Yep, you wrote down all therapyspeak words from MSW classes and best-seller books.

But honestly, I bet you cannot name one. single. couple who respectfully talked their way back from decade-long resentment and physical repulsion and disgust. I know I can't.

+1

I read somewhere recently that at some point there has been too much hurt and one or more people have hardened their hearts. By then it is too late.

Really? I guess we are toast then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for everyone who suggests therapy.

Are there any actual examples of women being able to therapy their way out of resenting their husband and being unattracted such that they were once again attracted and wanted sex with him?

Can therapy really cure resentment and repulsion?

Sure it can. It's about communicating and getting grievances out in the open, feeling heard and understood, and changing behaviors to avoid falling back into the same place. Therapy can play a critical role in facilitating all of that. By no means is it an easy process, but with two willing and committed partners it can be done.

Yep, you wrote down all therapyspeak words from MSW classes and best-seller books.

But honestly, I bet you cannot name one. single. couple who respectfully talked their way back from decade-long resentment and physical repulsion and disgust. I know I can't.

+1

I read somewhere recently that at some point there has been too much hurt and one or more people have hardened their hearts. By then it is too late.