Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is no substitution of sex. Your choices are 1) stay married and miserable 2) cheat or 3) divorce. There is no fourth option.

Sure there is.

4) She cooperates in having sex even though she doesn't like it (in effect, she is "married and miserable" instead of him)

I just want to chime in that I was in a marriage where all I got was "duty sex" about once a month and no thank you - that's not an answer. I'd really rather masturbate than deal with the "are you done yet" attitude. Thanks...I prefer my sex with someone who wants to have sex with me.

OP, I am thoroughly confused.

Have you had zero sex for three years, very little sex or just "not enough" sex?
What happens when you initiate at what seems to be a good time (e.g. kids in bed, things relatively peaceful)? Has she ever initiated?
What happens when you specifically ask her to do [something relatively vanilla]?
If you ask about other problems in the marriage, e.g. sources of resentment, what does she say?

I guess it is unclear from your PPs (or maybe you do not know) whether she is openly "rejecting" you, or checked out, or avoiding sex, or just not particularly enthusiastic, or doesn't get off, or is turned on by different things, or is angry about something else? How you will proceed sort of 100% depends on knowing the answers to this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

Are you at all open to an emotional affair, or at least emotional support from outside the marriage?

Pffft what's the point of an EA for a man? All the aggro of a relationship without the principal benefit.

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is no substitution of sex. Your choices are 1) stay married and miserable 2) cheat or 3) divorce. There is no fourth option.

Sure there is.

4) She cooperates in having sex even though she doesn't like it (in effect, she is "married and miserable" instead of him)
5) They resolve the problems, whatever they are, so that once again their sex lives are fulfilling for both

Dear OP:
My first marriage was a sexless marriage (I was the DW and desperate to have sex, and my DH withheld for months, even a 2 year stretch and I understand your pain of feeling rejected on some level/emotionally and physically abandoned by your spouse and feeling like mere roommates -- it is a horrible, horrible feeling). I later found out that my DH was depressed (thus, lower sex drive) and so he medicated but then those anti-depressants didn't do much to help the sex-drive, brought it to zero. I suggest you find out if your DW has a depression issue/ go to a couples counselor - just make the appointment and announce you are going and she can come. Any IMAGO counselor in the area will do. They are the best in my opinion. I do not recommend divorce absent abuse or substance abuse issues - so respect your decision to stay together. Try to amen this work through counseling. I would imagine you both have built up resentment over the years and need to "unclog" what is bothering you that you are not talking about.

Also - go to Victoria's Secret and buy her a sexy corset/stockings and ask her to dress up for you. It might "shock" her into the mood.

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

OP here. Thank you to all for your responses, they are very helpful. What I am trying to share here is that I don't think this sexless marriage will change so I am not really looking for ways to try to change it if that makes sense. I am at the point of either finding some strategies to manage this situation for myself emotionally-the goal of this thread- or pack up the marriage and quit-where I do not think I am at yet.

I am not really seeking out guidance on how to get sex back, I have spent a lot of time and energy on that in the past to no avail. I am really looking to see if there is anyone that has suggestions on how I can manage this situation internally, not reasons for it or how to change it if that makes sense.

Appreciated!

Are you at all open to an emotional affair, or at least emotional support from outside the marriage?

Anonymous wrote:I was in a sexless marriage two years before divorce, somehow ex-H and I became miss-matched sexually and I wrote off having sex with him completely. I realize now how important sex is to marriage and I see clearly how it contributed to our divorce. What has helped me with this realization is reading this forum and the many threads about sexless marriages.

You didn't realize that your marriage was over once you stopped having sex with your ex H?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got nothing to lose by going with her to a marriage/sex therapist. They can facilitate you both being able to communicate and hear each other's needs, and understand how serious the situation is. The fact that your wife cries and feels bad when you bring it up should tell you you both need help.

Maybe on her side, she feels as frustrated and helpless, in her way. Get professional help, and then get back to us. The two of you muddling along, not really communicating, is not going to change anything for the better.

That's not really going to work I'm afraid. I went through a similar story. What I found was sparse sex for a year and a half - were talking every three months - didn't change. After therapy and the therapist told her my side as she refused to listen to me and Incouldnt articulate without being frustrated - everything was fine for a about 8 or 9 months. Things were good to the point we talked of having another kid as she wanted one. Well, it has been months and we're back to the same pattern and I'm left hurt, frustrated and feel like I was just played. I realize that if they don't match your libido or interested you're pretty much screwed. I refuse to do this again and will move on. The whole other kid thing is off the table completely and I'm planning an exit strategy so Indont get screwed out of seeing my awesome DC. That's the only thing that frightens me at this point, but for all intense and purposes I've me checked out mentally.

I agree with this. I'm a woman in a 20 year marriage. I'm staying for 4 more years until we're empty nesters, but I checked out a long time ago. Just to give one example, about every six months, I'd tell him I'd like to receive oral. The last time I brought it up, he called me "sexually selfish." Um, what? Anyway, there's nothing left to sexually interest me - it's a cooperative arrangement to raise kids and run a household.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've got nothing to lose by going with her to a marriage/sex therapist. They can facilitate you both being able to communicate and hear each other's needs, and understand how serious the situation is. The fact that your wife cries and feels bad when you bring it up should tell you you both need help.

Maybe on her side, she feels as frustrated and helpless, in her way. Get professional help, and then get back to us. The two of you muddling along, not really communicating, is not going to change anything for the better.

That's not really going to work I'm afraid. I went through a similar story. What I found was sparse sex for a year and a half - were talking every three months - didn't change. After therapy and the therapist told her my side as she refused to listen to me and Incouldnt articulate without being frustrated - everything was fine for a about 8 or 9 months. Things were good to the point we talked of having another kid as she wanted one. Well, it has been months and we're back to the same pattern and I'm left hurt, frustrated and feel like I was just played. I realize that if they don't match your libido or interested you're pretty much screwed. I refuse to do this again and will move on. The whole other kid thing is off the table completely and I'm planning an exit strategy so Indont get screwed out of seeing my awesome DC. That's the only thing that frightens me at this point, but for all intense and purposes I've me checked out mentally.

To add, have you ever been in the state where you've just checked out? It's awful. You just go through the motions every day and you feel you have nothing to fight for at home anymore. She could serve me papers tomorrow and while I'd be worried I haven't planned on how I'll battle for custody, I wouldn't give a crap otherwise

Anonymous wrote:You've got nothing to lose by going with her to a marriage/sex therapist. They can facilitate you both being able to communicate and hear each other's needs, and understand how serious the situation is. The fact that your wife cries and feels bad when you bring it up should tell you you both need help.

Maybe on her side, she feels as frustrated and helpless, in her way. Get professional help, and then get back to us. The two of you muddling along, not really communicating, is not going to change anything for the better.

That's not really going to work I'm afraid. I went through a similar story. What I found was sparse sex for a year and a half - were talking every three months - didn't change. After therapy and the therapist told her my side as she refused to listen to me and Incouldnt articulate without being frustrated - everything was fine for a about 8 or 9 months. Things were good to the point we talked of having another kid as she wanted one. Well, it has been months and we're back to the same pattern and I'm left hurt, frustrated and feel like I was just played. I realize that if they don't match your libido or interested you're pretty much screwed. I refuse to do this again and will move on. The whole other kid thing is off the table completely and I'm planning an exit strategy so Indont get screwed out of seeing my awesome DC. That's the only thing that frightens me at this point, but for all intense and purposes I've me checked out mentally.

You've got nothing to lose by going with her to a marriage/sex therapist. They can facilitate you both being able to communicate and hear each other's needs, and understand how serious the situation is. The fact that your wife cries and feels bad when you bring it up should tell you you both need help.

Maybe on her side, she feels as frustrated and helpless, in her way. Get professional help, and then get back to us. The two of you muddling along, not really communicating, is not going to change anything for the better.

Something else is going on here.

Did having kids take a toll on your marriage and romantic relationship? Is she upset about you or something else?

Sex is psychological for women, not mechanical. How can you romance her brain? Listen, empathize, let her have a girls weekend away, slow track increased romance/date nights. Conversate about travel, restaurants, books, charity events -- not office work or family. Plan a trip to look fw to.

It will take time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

This thread just took such a creepy turn.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.

You have to wonder what she's getting out of it.

Anonymous wrote:What about your marriage makes you describe it as good?

She works, so she's bringing in money. She cooks and cleans. She grocery shops. She cares for the kids. Etc.

So, it's sort of like having an Alice or living with your mom.