I haven't disconnected, but at different times I've taken space. I think that is a good option because you need to heal and develop your own boundaries to have a healthy relationship to her.

By healthy, I don't mean you will be close. I don't mean you won't be frustrated any more with her. But like you said, you don't need to take what she says to heart. And that's something only you can do inside yourself, whether she's in your life or not. Does that make sense?

FWIW, my mom was also emotionally and physically abusive and is still a total piece of work. She has mental health issues. She is arrested emotionally somewhere between age 3 and age 13. Nevertheless, she's still in my life, still visits for long times, and we sometimes even enjoy each other's company for more than 10 minutes <gasp>. It's a work in progress, and she can still get under my skin if I let her. But a big part of this being possible is me developing boundaries. I speak up (sometimes, not always -- pick my battles) if I feel like I can't let her manipulate me any more. She doesn't like it, but she tolerates it because I tell her calmly and with love instead of blowing up like I used to.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Lots of damage on this board. Are y'all inbreads from W Virginia or something. This is Deliverance ha-ha.

Well, this is what happens with low income and low education. It's not funny when it's your family, you are an outlier, and you have to deal with it.

WTF? Speak for yourself. My parents both have graduate degrees (as do I) and we had a very dysfunctional situation going on when I lived at home.

Unfortunelty, person's moral standards dont correlate with the level of education. And franckly, I met a lot of freaks with PhDs or other advanced degrees who just cannot function on the daily baisis with another humans.

Here's how I knew it was right: nobody can stand my mom. Nobody. Both of her sisters have had periods of estrangement with her. My dad would leave for a week or so several times in childhood and every couple of years to the present day (they're in their 70s now). He'd want to divorce and always came back because he's traditional. My brother hates her but is broke and mentally ill and depends upon her to survive. Most of my cousins can't stand her. When I was growing up I was always welcome at friends' homes. I figured it was because i was so helpful (and I am a helpful guest) but found out in adulthood that (a) my friends didn't want to be around my family; (b) their parents didn't want their kids around my mom; and (c) they all felt bad for me.

I have yet to meet any friend or partner who likes my mother. Few can even stand her.

So when I finally opened up about needing to end the misery of being around her, people came out of the woodwork to tell me the horrible experiences they'd had and to congratulate me for finally being rid of her.

I've had to learn to forgive myself for letting her spread her poison in my life for so long-- but she used to harangue me about how 'good' people don't set boundaries on their parents. Knowing what I know of life with an abuser, I'm deeply suspicious of people who get defensive about kids cutting off bad parents. There's a pretty easy way to avoid having that happen: don't be an asshole to people.

It takes a lot to cut off a parent. I don't have a family of origin anymore except for some supportive cousins, aunts, and uncles. Nobody would choose this over a decent family. You choose it over people who insist on hurting you. It's not 'entitled.' It's sad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any regrets? What's it been like to be motherless by choice?

My mom was abusive during my childhood, both emotional and physical. She denies it and we all pretend none of it happened. She still snaps and yells at times and still says things to hurt me and pretends she has no idea why I'm upset. She visited us a couple weeks ago and we had a nice time. There were little blow ups but that is normal for us. She went back home and told my SIL that she was feeling depressed because I snapped at her all weekend. I don't know why she would say something like that. I feel like it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't need her negativity in my life. She's a good grandmother but my kids will still have my MIL.

^Based on this, no I would not cut my mother out of my life. Don't deprive your children of a good grandmother and yourself of a mother. Keep your emotional distance, but don't cut her out.

It is hurtful and crazy making to the victim when the abusive parent is good to the grand kids. So they can be kind, just not during your own childhood.

My mother was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who let her husband physically and emotionally abuse me so she could maintain her UMC lifestyle. I emotionally separated myself in my twenties and maintained a cordial relationship. When I had a child I thought she would change, but she never showed up to the hospital when I gave birth, and barely was around after that. I moved away and maintained a distant cordial relationship. This year my sister was murdered by her husband, and all my mother has done is support and protect the husband. It makes me sick. My mother is dead to me now. At least I am free of the burden of trying to pretend we have a relationship.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Lots of damage on this board. Are y'all inbreads from W Virginia or something. This is Deliverance ha-ha.

Well, this is what happens with low income and low education. It's not funny when it's your family, you are an outlier, and you have to deal with it.

WTF? Speak for yourself. My parents both have graduate degrees (as do I) and we had a very dysfunctional situation going on when I lived at home.

Same here. My Mom is very intelligent. I am very accomplished, people are shocked when I tell them of the abuse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Lots of damage on this board. Are y'all inbreads from W Virginia or something. This is Deliverance ha-ha.

Well, this is what happens with low income and low education. It's not funny when it's your family, you are an outlier, and you have to deal with it.

WTF? Speak for yourself. My parents both have graduate degrees (as do I) and we had a very dysfunctional situation going on when I lived at home.

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Lots of damage on this board. Are y'all inbreads from W Virginia or something. This is Deliverance ha-ha.

Well, this is what happens with low income and low education. It's not funny when it's your family, you are an outlier, and you have to deal with it.