Anonymous
04/28/2017 18:59
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Anonymous wrote:Hello ... OP here. I was coming back to give a one year update and a bit surprised to see this thread still a bit active all this time later.
Signs?! Well, yes they were abundant but I was viewing them through the lens of thinking I was happily married to a heterosexual guy. He talked with his boyfriend pretty much every single day and they got together very often. (Which I viewed as him having a good friend only.) The friend was gay. (So what? His friend is gay ... doesn't make HIM gay.) He traveled on out of town overnight buddy trips with this guy several times a year and they always shared hotel rooms. (So what? They are friends and it saves money to share a room ... it's not like they're having sex or something.) He invited all his high school friends to our wedding except this one, who was his closest friend. (I was too busy with wedding planning to really notice at the time.) He introduced this friend to our little boy as "Uncle X" ... the only time he ever did that. (Odd, but no big deal.) He often lied about going to see this friend and would say he was somewhere else. (When caught, I assumed he was lying to cover the fact he was drinking. He's an alcoholic so it seemed reasonable.) And of course, the biggest one of all, he didn't want or wasn't able to have sex with me for the vast majority of our marriage ... told me he had ED. (I was very disappointed but "in sickness and in health" carried the day.) Probably lots of other things. But the primary problem was not the gayness, but rather the blatant cheating. He cheated with other women as well.
So the update is that he has now been gone out of the house a full year and is still seeing his boyfriend in secret while dating women who have no idea what he is doing. But at least he is not married to them. I had a very nice boyfriend for a while and it was unbelievably wonderful ('nuff said.) It didn't last for logistical reasons, but life going forward is bright and hopeful.
And the real update that is relevant to this thread is that my rage did eventually die down and I have not bothered to "out" him unless people specifically ask. I don't keep his secret for him but I also don't seek opportunities to inflict harm. I still think what he did totally sucks and my divorce settlement was very favorable to me. I don't speak to him and would want no part of "friendship" with him. I am sure he feels the same way about me and life goes on.
Thanks for the update and I'm sorry you went through this as it is the worst.
Unfortunately the behavior you have described is common. If you need support checkout the straight spouse network.
Good luck.
Anonymous
04/25/2017 15:52
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Telling people why you are divorcing is telling the truth, that's all. You can choose to divulge a portion of the truth or the entire truth.
But I don't understand why you're expressing this in terms of "outing" him. I hope we are past this, and if some are not, then isn't that your ex's problem, not yours?
But I don't understand why you're expressing this in terms of "outing" him. I hope we are past this, and if some are not, then isn't that your ex's problem, not yours?
Anonymous
04/25/2017 15:49
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
I'm glad you're in a better place, op. Best wishes.
Anonymous
04/25/2017 15:42
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Hello ... OP here. I was coming back to give a one year update and a bit surprised to see this thread still a bit active all this time later.
Signs?! Well, yes they were abundant but I was viewing them through the lens of thinking I was happily married to a heterosexual guy. He talked with his boyfriend pretty much every single day and they got together very often. (Which I viewed as him having a good friend only.) The friend was gay. (So what? His friend is gay ... doesn't make HIM gay.) He traveled on out of town overnight buddy trips with this guy several times a year and they always shared hotel rooms. (So what? They are friends and it saves money to share a room ... it's not like they're having sex or something.) He invited all his high school friends to our wedding except this one, who was his closest friend. (I was too busy with wedding planning to really notice at the time.) He introduced this friend to our little boy as "Uncle X" ... the only time he ever did that. (Odd, but no big deal.) He often lied about going to see this friend and would say he was somewhere else. (When caught, I assumed he was lying to cover the fact he was drinking. He's an alcoholic so it seemed reasonable.) And of course, the biggest one of all, he didn't want or wasn't able to have sex with me for the vast majority of our marriage ... told me he had ED. (I was very disappointed but "in sickness and in health" carried the day.) Probably lots of other things. But the primary problem was not the gayness, but rather the blatant cheating. He cheated with other women as well.
So the update is that he has now been gone out of the house a full year and is still seeing his boyfriend in secret while dating women who have no idea what he is doing. But at least he is not married to them. I had a very nice boyfriend for a while and it was unbelievably wonderful ('nuff said.) It didn't last for logistical reasons, but life going forward is bright and hopeful.
And the real update that is relevant to this thread is that my rage did eventually die down and I have not bothered to "out" him unless people specifically ask. I don't keep his secret for him but I also don't seek opportunities to inflict harm. I still think what he did totally sucks and my divorce settlement was very favorable to me. I don't speak to him and would want no part of "friendship" with him. I am sure he feels the same way about me and life goes on.
Signs?! Well, yes they were abundant but I was viewing them through the lens of thinking I was happily married to a heterosexual guy. He talked with his boyfriend pretty much every single day and they got together very often. (Which I viewed as him having a good friend only.) The friend was gay. (So what? His friend is gay ... doesn't make HIM gay.) He traveled on out of town overnight buddy trips with this guy several times a year and they always shared hotel rooms. (So what? They are friends and it saves money to share a room ... it's not like they're having sex or something.) He invited all his high school friends to our wedding except this one, who was his closest friend. (I was too busy with wedding planning to really notice at the time.) He introduced this friend to our little boy as "Uncle X" ... the only time he ever did that. (Odd, but no big deal.) He often lied about going to see this friend and would say he was somewhere else. (When caught, I assumed he was lying to cover the fact he was drinking. He's an alcoholic so it seemed reasonable.) And of course, the biggest one of all, he didn't want or wasn't able to have sex with me for the vast majority of our marriage ... told me he had ED. (I was very disappointed but "in sickness and in health" carried the day.) Probably lots of other things. But the primary problem was not the gayness, but rather the blatant cheating. He cheated with other women as well.
So the update is that he has now been gone out of the house a full year and is still seeing his boyfriend in secret while dating women who have no idea what he is doing. But at least he is not married to them. I had a very nice boyfriend for a while and it was unbelievably wonderful ('nuff said.) It didn't last for logistical reasons, but life going forward is bright and hopeful.
And the real update that is relevant to this thread is that my rage did eventually die down and I have not bothered to "out" him unless people specifically ask. I don't keep his secret for him but I also don't seek opportunities to inflict harm. I still think what he did totally sucks and my divorce settlement was very favorable to me. I don't speak to him and would want no part of "friendship" with him. I am sure he feels the same way about me and life goes on.
Anonymous
04/19/2017 11:13
Subject: Re:Angry Straight Spouse
Op, in looking back, were the signs you had missed?
Anonymous
04/15/2017 23:12
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Anonymous wrote:This woman probably drove the guy to it. She's probably a frigid, uptight prude. He wasn't getting what he needed at home, so he got it somewhere else.
Hmm, sounds like somebody missed the facts that he was bonking the dude since high school. Not sure how the "future" wife is at blame for behavior of the hubby before she met him.
Anonymous
04/15/2017 23:10
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Tell the truth, give the facts. Don't hide the truth. Don't hide the facts. You are not his mother and you owe him no protection from the truth and the facts. But you can be true to the facts without feeling a bad person .
Anonymous
04/15/2017 20:46
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Anonymous wrote:This woman probably drove the guy to it. She's probably a frigid, uptight prude. He wasn't getting what he needed at home, so he got it somewhere else.
Well, considering that he cheated on his wife with someone who has a dick, he was never going to get what he wanted at home...
Anonymous
04/15/2017 20:18
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
This woman probably drove the guy to it. She's probably a frigid, uptight prude. He wasn't getting what he needed at home, so he got it somewhere else.
Anonymous
04/14/2017 22:55
Subject: Angry Straight Spouse
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't know if I'd out him, either. It's his cheating that's reprehensible, not who he cheated with.
Agree, but it's worse that it was with a man. Definitely tells friends and family if it will make you feel better.
Why is that worse? Because being gay is a worse sin than adultry?
No, because he lied to his spouse about his sexuality and took away her right to make informed decisions about her life and sexuality for 30 years!!!!
This is such an intimate betrayal and adds another very hurtful layer to the cheating. He lied about who he was in a fundamental way for 3 decades and stole that time from her. I don't understand how you don't see that.
What if you were gay and you were in love with someone and you married them. Then you find out years later that it was just an experimental phase for your partner and they've been sleeping with their opposite sex "friend" the whole time you were together. Wouldn't you feel like your whole relationship was a lie?