Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm anxious because I haven't fully built back the trust yet. It takes a long time to rebuild that.

On the one hand, I don't even want to mention him. On the other hand, I feel like I should say to her, "If he reaches out to you, I want to know," and then I need to trust that she'll tell me. If he reaches out, she doesn't tell me and I find out, then all our reconciliation efforts are out the window and I have to assume the worst. I was trickle-truthed for months about him and I can't handle much more of it.

How about if he reaches out to you I want you to ignore him and return the 'gifts'?

OP, if you feel this way, you should not be living with your wife. You're not living, you're existing. This guy is controlling your emotions. Seriously, why are you still with this woman?

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm anxious because I haven't fully built back the trust yet. It takes a long time to rebuild that.

On the one hand, I don't even want to mention him. On the other hand, I feel like I should say to her, "If he reaches out to you, I want to know," and then I need to trust that she'll tell me. If he reaches out, she doesn't tell me and I find out, then all our reconciliation efforts are out the window and I have to assume the worst. I was trickle-truthed for months about him and I can't handle much more of it.

How about if he reaches out to you I want you to ignore him and return the 'gifts'?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

+1

I'm not "mad" at the ex wife. I don't know her. I just think she's got this bizarre idea of what kind of power and hold she's got over her ex husband. He can be a good dad and spend time with his kids as long as he kowtows to her and follows her rules. Otherwise she pulls contact and drops them at the curb on Wednesdays. It's fucked up. She is weirdly proud of how accommodating he's being like she doesn't have him by the ball hairs by openly declaring he's only going to see his kids for more than 6 days a month if he kisses her ass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

You still don't get it. You keep saying he wants to be around you and in your life. No. He cheated on you and you're divorcing. He arguably does not place a lot of importance on being a part of YOUR life. But you control access to the kids who he DOES want to see. Get it? You're a gatekeeper, that's it.

NP here. Wow why are you so mad at the ex wf? Actually it sounds like DH is desperate to be around his family, including the wife. Your vitriol makes me wonder if you are not his ex ow who he probably promptly dumped like a used rag after the sordid affair came to light. Really what kind of mother has an affair with the father of her son's friend?!

Good luck, ex wife! I am glad you are taking care of yourself and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

You still don't get it. You keep saying he wants to be around you and in your life. No. He cheated on you and you're divorcing. He arguably does not place a lot of importance on being a part of YOUR life. But you control access to the kids who he DOES want to see. Get it? You're a gatekeeper, that's it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Wow! What kind of controlling life do you come from that you see all this crazy. You realize your post is more about you than me.


You lost me at "require him to go to therapy" ... I have nothing to do with his therapy.

Sure the kids are going to a public pool instead of our back yard... NOT!

You sound angry and bitter about your controlling wife.

People use to call us Dharma and Greg, I am like Dharma not some uptight controlling wife.

Yes. I accept it is over, I guess you would be more understanding if I was weak and curled up in a ball crying about it, but I am not. I have a great life, no wonder he wants to be around it.

You realize how long a divorce takes... It does not happen over night.

The OW is my son's friend's mother... So no... Seeing her would hurt lots of people, grow up and stop hurting people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

You sound like you are in a marriage where you only do housework in hopes if getting sex.

Hire a maid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Well, you apparently need to:

- control who he socializes with, despite not being married to him anymore
- use extra time with his children as a condition of his ruling following
- require him to go to therapy 2x a week on his own for 5+ years
- require him to participate in family therapy (does that include the kids? how long have you been going? how often?)

IF you actually want your children to have a good relationship with their father, consider NOT having family time with your ex-husband. He can find his own swimming pool and have his own family dinners. He doesn't need to be included in yours. It sounds to me like what you are doing is bending over backwards to pretend that nothing has changed for your children, when that could not be further from the truth. I do not think what you have posted makes you sound like a kind person. I think it makes you sound like a hurt, angry person who is using her children to punish her husband. While I can certainly understand the urge, that is not a quality that I will ever find to be positive. It is manipulative. If you want to be "kind" then let your husband make his own decisions about who to socialize with (OW or no OW).

Have you actually accepted that your marriage is over? Because the things you describe sound more like the conditions placed on an unfaithful spouse who is trying to reconcile, not someone who is waiting to get a divorce court date.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

If you are divorcing why are their rules?

+1. Divorce means it is over. Let it go.

No not at all when you have kids. The kids welfare will come first with a court. Apparently she is a good mother!

Yeah but what this pp doesn't seem to get is that no matter how much of am ass her STBX is or was what's best for the kids is for it to be amicable. Pp is only willing to do what's best for her kids if her ex plays her game.

The way she describes it be wouldn't be able to attend soccer games on her days. That's bad no matter what he did for the kids whether she wants to admit it or not.

Agree with other pps that divorce means it's over, she's no longer allowed to judge his romantic partners

If you have kids of course you are going to judge your ex partners choices. The ability to anything about it is another thing.
You care about your kids right ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

We had sex 3 times a week minimum. I love sex. We went on weekly date night and once a month we spend a whole day together biking/hiking/kayaking. We met for lunch every Wednesday.

What would I need from him? We had everything I make more money.

Sorry, it's the insecure women that need to use sex to get something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The ex wife all up and down this thread is going to be in for a shock when the divorce decree is signed and her husband tells her rules to fuck off. He's going along NOW of course but as soon as those "amicably" drawn up terms are legal and binding he's going to do whatever he wants whether you care or not.

Our current agreement is legally binding.

I just give him more visitation than he is allowed. He can legally get more so the court can't order me to let him hang out at our pool on the weekends when I go to run errands.

He is more than welcome to do what he pleases. If he wants no relationship with me, I have no problem with drop off and pick up at the curb... If that is what he wants.

You don't see me parading men in front of his children. Of course I don't do that and he would not be happy if I did.. Children first. I get every other weekend to myself and I don't need to expose my children to men and he does not need to expose his children to women who are crazy.

Oh imagine if I had dudes sleeping over with his daughter walks around like teens do ... He would be out of his mind.

Speaking of being out of one's mind. . .

I actually don't just mean this to be a jerk. Are you seeing a therapist? You really do seem like you need professional help. I am not saying this to be an asshole.

I saw a therapist at first... Don't we all. Both his and my therapist said I was very stable, mindful, and know what I want and don't settle for people treating me badly.they both wish they could teach more people self reliance, kind to their cheating ex, and putting their kids before their own needs.

I see a family therapist since my H is a mess and needs intense therapy. They advise me on how to help the kids deal with somebody who takes a perfect home life and marriage and blow it up. He can be controlling and critical of the kids. Used to be aloof ... Now he treasure every moment. Funny how you don't know how good you have it until you throw it away.

It's very common for people with horrible childhoods to not enjoy a successful homelike and to purposely try to destroy it.... So I have found out from his family therapis. I have empathy for anybody that was raised in a neglectful and chaotic home life. But, my H should have gotten help as a young man instead of bring his turmoil into my life and our kids lives. Unfortunately ... Most people think their home life was normal.

His therapists expects he will need therapy for 5+ years. He has been going 2x a week for 6 months. He was going once a week for a year.

You think I am crazy. I think I am kind. So do the therapists. It's true most women just forge a wedge between the kids and the dad and make times they see each other uncomfortable. I am not doing that to my children.

I sure as hell hope he can be a healthy human being and once the kids are gone he will go on with his life away from me, geez... I could use some space now but I want my kids to love their father... The more healthy and positive interactions they have the better the bond.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a plan.

My H had an affair, and we are divorcing, but we are amicable... but with that comes rules. OW is done... no contact.

We have mutual friends and my H had to go to a work event and she could possibly be there. So we had a plan. If she shows up he leaves, no hi, no glance, just leave. When her friends started to show up, he left.

So you can't control him but your W has to tell you and you have to remain calm or she will stop telling you things.

This is so strange. You're trying to control your STBX's behavior around this other woman? Dafuq? So inappropriate.

Hahahahahahahah.... Control? Grow up. Nobody has the right to be in my life. Telling people how you want to be treated = inappropriate... In your delusional world... I have every right to express how I want to be treated. I have every right to cut him off 100% if I am not treated the way I expect. I have no problem dumping toxic people from my life. He has every right to choose her over us, good luck with that. You think the kids respect you? Want to be around that? No!

Having affair.... Is what? Appropriate?

GMAFB.... Do the crime, do the time?

Way to make this thread all about yourself. You sound like a real peach. I'm happy and excited for your soon to be ex husband because soon you will be nothing to him, without control over every aspect of his life. It must really suck going through life miserable and nasty, with your only happiness coming from making other people miserable too.

Back to the OP, please don't "lose it." This won't help your relationship and the attempts the two of you are making to restore it. It will only set you back. Like other have said, you can't control what the AP does. It's how she handles any contact that is important. Stay focused.

Nice try ... i don't control his life he can do what he please... And what pleases him is being around me and our children. He won't be married to me but if he wants to be part of our life he is welcome but not with crazy people. I actually have suggested a few nice chicks for him to date, but he not there yet, didn't really expect divorce... Thought I would stay. Hope he finds a nice, respectable woman who has morals. She is welcome to the pool too.

Good for you, PP. I personally think that is a reasonable line to draw.

Same here, but I do think she needs to date and find someone much better.

And work on her anger, for her own sake. Though unlike some on this board, I think it's understandable. She's giving him more visitation than he's entitled so long as he gives her what she needs. Understandable since he and the OW blew up her family. It doesn't sound like much time has passed. Her feelings will ease, and there's nothing wrong with wanting an ex DH to bring a nice woman around you and your kids. She's stuck dealing with him unfortunately.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.

I bet when you were married you used sex to get something from your then-husband. And dangling your children as bribes for good behavior is pretty immoral.

Maybe your estranged husband does have a thing for whores after all...

Anonymous wrote:Your constant use of the word "whore" is really off putting. I hope you don't use it around your children.

The true definition of a whore is somebody who uses sex to get something, or uses immoral ways to get something. So it is a good vocabulary word.