My mom I want her to no longer be talking to me right now and stay out of the basement and to get help with her mental illness make an appointment to see a therapist and I would like her to tell her doctor how she has a mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:Can someone give me some advice? My mother is 70 and definitely wants to come out after the baby is born. She has said that she doesn't want to walk up and down stairs with the baby (we live in a row house), and will not drive in DC. I told my mom that my friends' moms have helped them cook and clean when they stay after the baby is born. She has said that she'll help holding the baby, and said she could help cook (although she always struggles with cooking for us when we visit her because my husband is a vegetarian). She scoffed at helping clean (my husband and I keep a cleaner house than her). I love my mother, and we're close, but she stresses me out. After a few days of visiting usually, I'm ready for a break.

My husband will take 3 weeks off after the baby is born. Any advice on when/how long my mom should come for? We have a guest room, so she'll be staying with us.

Sounds like it will just be the type of visit where she comes to see the baby and not help much. And you will have to tend to her as well as baby. It's totally up to you, but I would not want a visit like this to last for more than 5 or so days, esp with a new baby to figure out!

Can someone give me some advice? My mother is 70 and definitely wants to come out after the baby is born. She has said that she doesn't want to walk up and down stairs with the baby (we live in a row house), and will not drive in DC. I told my mom that my friends' moms have helped them cook and clean when they stay after the baby is born. She has said that she'll help holding the baby, and said she could help cook (although she always struggles with cooking for us when we visit her because my husband is a vegetarian). She scoffed at helping clean (my husband and I keep a cleaner house than her). I love my mother, and we're close, but she stresses me out. After a few days of visiting usually, I'm ready for a break.

My husband will take 3 weeks off after the baby is born. Any advice on when/how long my mom should come for? We have a guest room, so she'll be staying with us.

Anonymous wrote:No, you don't want the first two weeks to be 3 of you. It's not rainbows and butterflies, OP. It can be, but it's HARD. You will be sore and your boobs will be achy rocks. It's exhausting. It's not blissful.

It actually WAS unicorns and bliss for us BECAUSE my mom was here. She made it so my husband and I could take care of each other and the baby. My husband and I would lie down in our bed, the 3 of us, for cuddles and naps while my mom would be in the kitchen cooking. THAT was perfect. She left us alone, mostly, and did all housekeeping.

And at 2am when the baby would not sleep, she held him while I went to sleep.

What is her hourly rate? Sounds amazing!

Anonymous wrote:Mom lives in CA so it's a hike that will require some planning. She's talking about things like moving to a condo near DC for a month or two near the birth so she can be ready and here to help.

She's a good person and we generally get along well. But I'm also fiercely independent (see moving 3000 miles away) and I don't typically like to be vulnerable around anyone but my husband.

I think she'd respect whatever I want, but having not been through it I don't know what that is. Suggestions? Anyone navigate something similar?

I'm 38 weeks, mom is also in CA. We discussed and decided that she'd come out two weeks before my due date and stay with me. My situation is a little different because I'm alone (dual military, duty stations on opposite sides of the country). I know my mom is going to drive me nuts (I love her, but we're basically the same person...) but I knew I was going to want her. She comes out at the end of the week on an open-ended ticket and will leave "when I kick her out." I think it's going to be tough before the baby comes, but since I plan to work as long as I can, I figure I can manage the evenings and weekends. After, I know I'm going to want her.

Anonymous wrote:My mom was literally the only person I would have wanted there right after the birth. Sadly she died before we had children. I would not have wanted and did not have anyone else there until 2 weeks after the birth. I didn't want anyone there before or during besides my husband and birth team.

Same for me. My mom was my best friend, we worked great together and it would have been awesome to have her. But she is no longer with us.

I want help and am considering step mom and MIL trade-offs now. Both are sweet, helpful ladies, but I have never been so vulnerable in front of them and sometimes I get a little offended by small comments or annoyed by their habits. Both are great... but niether is my mom. Anyway, I'm hoping the time will maybe bring us closer. I'm an FTM and don't know what I'm doing, so I want help... and that may come imperfectly but I guess that is okay.

OP - I think having your mom around would be great - and best case, maybe she just visits a bunch to get QT with you and her grandkid and you are still independent, but if you really need her, she is there and that is peace of mind. Set her up with a metro card, museum schedule, etc. so she can also do other stuff on the side if she has more time...

My mom (also in CA) planned to fly out two days before my due date. Ended up that I was in labor while she was en route so she got to see us in the hospital and then was with us for the 1st two weeks. I was very happy to have her here. She didn't really help with the baby, except to give a tip or two and be happy to cuddle him when I wanted to go to the bathroom or take a nap. But she was just encouraging, did all the cooking, laundry and cleaning to make things as easy as possible for me and DH. She's just an easy and helpful person to have around. Even DH likes having her visit (and doesn't like having his mom visit).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FTM who is currently pregnant. My mom (and dad) came up 4 weeks early and they rented an apartment nearby for a year. It has been incredible so far and the baby isn't even here. I'm slowing down even though I'm fighting it and the help has been great (and I have a very helpful DH, so no criticism of him). Extra hands cooking, shopping, helping me clean, telling me all the baby stories in my family, passing on family baby heirlooms and helping me set up the baby's room. It makes me a little sad thinking they won't always be in the same city as me and that this is what I'm missing out on when I moved to DC. Local moms probably get this all the time. She's obviously thrilled about the grandchild and it's great to see someone else who's almost as thrilled as DH and I.

Wow, a year? Is this common in your social circle? Can I ask what's going on with their housing, etc back home? Are they renting their home out? I'm also curious to know (if you don't mind sharing!) if your parents might be immigrants? The only parents I know who have moved to be with their adult children were of certain immigrant groups (different cultural outlook).

They are white WASPs, just thrilled about getting a grandchild. Grandchildren were their retirement dreams. Their house in their hometown will just sit empty although they do think they'll fly/drive home occasionally to check on things.

Yes, to mom. Early and often

Anonymous wrote:Related question:

For people who just had Mom come, did MIL get jealous? Did both want to come but you chose one? I feel like I might be in this position soon.

I don't have an answer, but I'm an early PP who's MIL plans on coming for a couple of weeks and staying in our neighborhood. My parents live about an hour away (with no traffic). I know my mom is going to be a little hurt when she hears about MIL's plans. My own mom is welcome to drive down every single day, but it's a schlep compared to being down the block. My parents have made it clear that were welcome to stay at their house. They'd love that, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to want to be in my own home. I'm going to talk logistics with my parents when I see them next week (I'm due in October).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a new FTM. No way in hell would I have wanted anyone other than dh around all the time. For me, I needed that time to get to know our son and establish new routines. I was not anxious at all and the adjustment was really rather smooth, but having someone around all the time woukd have made me on edge. I didn't need any help, so having a third adult around would have just meant more work.

Only you know what you will need and want. Do you think you will need help? How will she react if you end up wanting privacy? What does dh think?

.

+1

I'm 5 weeks PP and this exactly.

We prepped freezer meals that we are still eating, got a cleaning service set up, and DH WAH, so I don't feel alone. No way in hell do I want to be hosting visitors (and that's what I'd be doing). We had FIL for a weekend and it drove me crazy.

Hosting visitors is NOT the same as having a helpful mom around. A FIL is different than your mom! OP said her mom is helpful.

Well, mine isn't. I'd be hosting her. She came for 15 minutes to meet the baby in the hospital, and that was quite enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a new FTM. No way in hell would I have wanted anyone other than dh around all the time. For me, I needed that time to get to know our son and establish new routines. I was not anxious at all and the adjustment was really rather smooth, but having someone around all the time woukd have made me on edge. I didn't need any help, so having a third adult around would have just meant more work.

Only you know what you will need and want. Do you think you will need help? How will she react if you end up wanting privacy? What does dh think?

.

+1

I'm 5 weeks PP and this exactly.

We prepped freezer meals that we are still eating, got a cleaning service set up, and DH WAH, so I don't feel alone. No way in hell do I want to be hosting visitors (and that's what I'd be doing). We had FIL for a weekend and it drove me crazy.

Hosting visitors is NOT the same as having a helpful mom around. A FIL is different than your mom! OP said her mom is helpful.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a new FTM. No way in hell would I have wanted anyone other than dh around all the time. For me, I needed that time to get to know our son and establish new routines. I was not anxious at all and the adjustment was really rather smooth, but having someone around all the time woukd have made me on edge. I didn't need any help, so having a third adult around would have just meant more work.

Only you know what you will need and want. Do you think you will need help? How will she react if you end up wanting privacy? What does dh think?

.

+1

I'm 5 weeks PP and this exactly.

We prepped freezer meals that we are still eating, got a cleaning service set up, and DH WAH, so I don't feel alone. No way in hell do I want to be hosting visitors (and that's what I'd be doing). We had FIL for a weekend and it drove me crazy.

No, you don't want the first two weeks to be 3 of you. It's not rainbows and butterflies, OP. It can be, but it's HARD. You will be sore and your boobs will be achy rocks. It's exhausting. It's not blissful.

It actually WAS unicorns and bliss for us BECAUSE my mom was here. She made it so my husband and I could take care of each other and the baby. My husband and I would lie down in our bed, the 3 of us, for cuddles and naps while my mom would be in the kitchen cooking. THAT was perfect. She left us alone, mostly, and did all housekeeping.

And at 2am when the baby would not sleep, she held him while I went to sleep.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer two common questions, my mom is the actual helpful and capable type. She would certainly not be a burden generally. Husband will likely stay home two weeks.

I'm kind of thinking I want most of that two weeks just the three of us. Then mom could come toward the end of it?

definately ask your Mom to come right away. Without ever experiencing it yourself, you cannot phatom how sleep deprived you will be those first few nights. Plus, it is really sad not to have loved ones to "celebrate" with.