Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 18:51     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Another vote for PT here.

When we both worked FT, we made $200K, equally 50/50. We have two kids (age 3 and 6), and I went PT after #2. It made a HUGE difference.

Now, our HHI is $150, and DH has an hour commute because we bought a little farther out. But, we both get along better, and are better parents to our kids.

No family in the area to help, so no back up care, except for friends and neighbors.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 16:57     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
No help from me. I do have the more flexible job so I can come in a bit late and leave a bit early if my husband is traveling out of town. Our family is on the other coast so it's really hard not to have family around. We've been fortunate that both my parents are retired and that they could come a few times a year to help out when it gets super crazy. Good luck. I would suggest hiring pt help if you really need it!

Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 15:46     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.


But we are not asking for examples of how people SAH or go PT: we wanted to know what people who are doing our same plan (two FT WOH jobs, no family/nanny) are swinging it? Are we outliers or all everyone feels in this mad shuffle like us? ANd if not: tips Suggestions to move and go SAH/PT are not really the direction we are leaning unless really have to.


Are you outliers? No. People do this all the time. DH and I both WOH FT. Nearest family is 5+ hours away.

Have you created a safety net of childcare to replace family. Do you have a list of at least 3 babysitters you can call? Is at least one of them a high school student who would also be off on random snow days, teacher work days, etc.?

Establishing boundaries also makes a huge difference. Is your job really so critical that you just have to be online in the evenings or weekends? It's doubtful that's the case. If you leave work at the door then you'll find that your home life is much less hectic.

FWIW, I'm an attorney. My clients know that I'm not available in the evenings or weekends unless we have prearranged something. They know that my computer is shut down on Friday evening and not opened back up again until Monday morning. I disabled work emails from my phone. In my 15 years of practice, I have lost one client because they wanted someone to talk to on the weekends. That's it. There might be some grumbling and complaining, but in general people will respect your boundaries. You just have to put them up and enforce them.


Well, that's great for you, but not everyone has the seniority or ability to put up those boundaries and "enforce them." I imagine you don't work at a large law firm, or if you do, you are not an associate. Not every attorney or profession has the flexibility to go offline. Is everyone's job so critical they have to be online on weekends or evenings? Nope! Do most bosses or supervisors understand that? Some do, some don't, and the underling's quality of life can vary dramatically depending on how the person above them views down-time.

Also, there's a big difference between having family 5+ hours away by car or by airplane. My family is a 6 hour flight away - not exactly a day or afternoon trip that 5 hours by car affords.



Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 15:40     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would suggest getting an au pair, kids can be picked up by her for their after school activities and she can do the daily tidying up of kitchen etc. and laundry probably. Do a lot of take aways, or also ask the au pair to cook for an additional allowance perhaps. Plus keep the weekly cleaning lady.

I have a baby and a 3 year old, have a weekly cleaning lady, have home food delivery service (already cooked) and a couple babysitters available (university students) for emergency situations. Lower HHI than yours and also a huge mortgage, but we see our home as our investment.


Which home food delivery service do you use? It sounds like this would help a lot.


I'm not PP, but I'm part of a 2 parent WOH situation, and we use Galley (https://www.galleyfoods.com/menus/dc ) at least once a week. Meals are cooked and more or less ready to go - you can microwave or heat in the oven. They also do Sunday evening dinners now, as well as kid's lunches (although you can only order kid's lunches with dinners). They give you a 30 minute delivery window & you don't have to be home to get it - they will drop it off. We live in NE DC. There is usually a vegetarian and a meat option, and you can order dinners family style or individually. You can also order wine with dinner (we never have). It's not the cheapest scenario, but it is sooo fast and easy.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 09:57     Subject: Re:Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
I am very, very lucky to have a family friendly, well-paying job. I work from 8-4:30 as an in house attorney and pull in 180K. My DH is a PA and makes 120k. He also works decent hours 7-3:30 in an ER. We have a house cleaner every two weeks, but basically do it all ourselves. He usually makes dinner and has laundry going by the time I was in with the kids. We usually eat around 5:30 and then hang out for 30 minutes until 7 when it's bedtime. DH and I usually spent an hour or two hanging out, watching TV, etc. before going to bed at 10.

I know how insanely lucky I am to be in this spot.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 09:51     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.


But we are not asking for examples of how people SAH or go PT: we wanted to know what people who are doing our same plan (two FT WOH jobs, no family/nanny) are swinging it? Are we outliers or all everyone feels in this mad shuffle like us? ANd if not: tips Suggestions to move and go SAH/PT are not really the direction we are leaning unless really have to.


Are you outliers? No. People do this all the time. DH and I both WOH FT. Nearest family is 5+ hours away.

Have you created a safety net of childcare to replace family. Do you have a list of at least 3 babysitters you can call? Is at least one of them a high school student who would also be off on random snow days, teacher work days, etc.?

Establishing boundaries also makes a huge difference. Is your job really so critical that you just have to be online in the evenings or weekends? It's doubtful that's the case. If you leave work at the door then you'll find that your home life is much less hectic.

FWIW, I'm an attorney. My clients know that I'm not available in the evenings or weekends unless we have prearranged something. They know that my computer is shut down on Friday evening and not opened back up again until Monday morning. I disabled work emails from my phone. In my 15 years of practice, I have lost one client because they wanted someone to talk to on the weekends. That's it. There might be some grumbling and complaining, but in general people will respect your boundaries. You just have to put them up and enforce them.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 08:01     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, what is your HHI? I work a very low paid part time job so I can be home in the afternoon for the kids. It hurts my ego to have such a low paying job after all the education I worked hard for, and we don't take fancy vacations or have the kids in as many activities as they want, but it has been worth it for us. The balance would be too hard otherwise.


$200k, we know it's not bad, but have a VERY expensive mortgage to keep commutes under an hour. All my co-workers live out in Howard county etc and commute 1 hr+. Most of them have parents living with/near them to help with kids.

Pretty sure can't swing house manager with current budget, and cutting salary 20% will mean moving and the non-telework spouse commute time will escalate -- not sure if that will help?


Oh, and salaries are 50/50 HHI -- so no obvious choice on which job to cut back on (other than for all other families it was the mom who did it)


This is my life, OP. We have a nanny b/c kids aren't school age yet, but once they are, not sure how we are going to do this. Like you, all the moms I know either stay home, work part time, or they have family in the area. It's why we'll probably stop at 2. If only we could afford to move family out here to be close to us and help, but that just isn't probably going to work.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 07:10     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
I work nights and weekends, DH works day time and during the week. We are never at work at the same time. It will change once the toddler goes to school in about 2 years.
We would keep them both at school in aftercare until 6 pm.
They still have the energy to kick the ball around at the local park from 6 to 8 pm. All activities are in aftercare right now or on weekends.
The house is a mess I must say, but mostly because DH is a slob and we have done decluttering lately.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2016 03:03     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
I'm the PP that suggested downsizing. There are tons of suggestions on this thread (hiring help, freezer meals, high school kid help etc). My point was that if you downsized and didn't have such a huge mortgage, you wouldn't feel so crazed. Lower bills=more options.

I speak from experience, BTW. My DH and I made $210k and we have 3 kids under 5. We hated the crazed/burned out work feelings and had to make some lifestyle changes. Things are better now...we don't feel like that anymore.

That doesn't sound like what you are going for, but I at least thought it was worth mentioning. Good luck to you. I would at least try to find someone to clean or mow the lawn so you have more quality time on the weekends.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2016 22:12     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.


But we are not asking for examples of how people SAH or go PT: we wanted to know what people who are doing our same plan (two FT WOH jobs, no family/nanny) are swinging it? Are we outliers or all everyone feels in this mad shuffle like us? ANd if not: tips Suggestions to move and go SAH/PT are not really the direction we are leaning unless really have to.



Also, I think you're glamorizing telework. I telework 3 times a week and it is still a mad dash, I don't get time to clean the house or run errands during the day, nor does it help with dinner. I am actively working until I clock out at 6pm and only then can start dinner. My life is actually better on the days at I dont telework because DH cooks on those days. I use to have a commute way worse than your commute and the only thing that works is organization and a schedule. And not comparing your life to other people's lives wouldn't hurt either (I don't mean that in a mean way)
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2016 20:40     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.


But we are not asking for examples of how people SAH or go PT: we wanted to know what people who are doing our same plan (two FT WOH jobs, no family/nanny) are swinging it? Are we outliers or all everyone feels in this mad shuffle like us? ANd if not: tips Suggestions to move and go SAH/PT are not really the direction we are leaning unless really have to.


Have you been reading all of the responses on this thread? A lot of us have given you suggestions re what to do to make life easier. You are not alone. You are not an outlier. You are just not reading what we are typing.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2016 20:37     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.


But we are not asking for examples of how people SAH or go PT: we wanted to know what people who are doing our same plan (two FT WOH jobs, no family/nanny) are swinging it? Are we outliers or all everyone feels in this mad shuffle like us? ANd if not: tips Suggestions to move and go SAH/PT are not really the direction we are leaning unless really have to.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2016 20:35     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.


Our $200k is pretty evenly split. We would need to double commutes to hr+ at a minimum to have one person stay home. We could swing part time, but have had NO luck finding positions. Current GS jobs have no part time options at all, no precedent, no telework.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2016 19:12     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
How high of a mortgage are you talking? One option is to downsize--lots of options open up when you don't have a huge mortgage. One person can stay home, work PT etc. It makes a huge difference in quality of life.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2016 18:51     Subject: Two Parents WOH Full-Time No Local Famiily -- Show of hands
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's unusual. We don't have local family. We've met a lot of families in the same situation.


Agree, but I do know a lot of families who have more flexible options than sounds like OP (work from home, flexing schedules).


I guess the question would be for those families that both don't have flexible options, what do they compromise on? Kids activities, cleaning, prepared food? Every day is rush rush from work to school to home, even without an activities (and heading to a park to get outside time is ok, but activiites actually are better because I can catch up on work email and home paperwork/email while they are in class).

We know every in our class is part time because we know all the kids in SACC in DD grade, and SACC is a ghost town by 5 -- those parents are still picking up pretty early, much earlier this folks working 9-5 downtown.