Anonymous wrote:"Steve, it's a financial burden for me to attend the bat mitzvah in Israel, and it isn't doing my anxiety about flying any good either. But I love you all and I want to be there for Julie's big day, so I'm willing to accept those downsides to be there for the actual event. The thing is, you don't seem to think that's good enough. If my coming for the service isn't going to make you happy, speak up now, because if I show up and you're a grouch, we're all going to end up unhappy."

You can't reason with crazy

Anonymous wrote:So don't go.

Anonymous wrote:So, my brother's family has decided to hold my nephews Bar Mitzvah in Israel. They will be paying for a 3 day tour package for every guest. Airfare and any extended tour is up to the guests to manage. According to my brother, the grandparents, only other uncle, and a handful of other relatives are excited and thrilled to attend.

We are not. I could list about a half dozen reasons, but, at the end of the day, my family of four is not taking a vacation to Israel. So, basically, it's about me flying there solely for a 2 hour ceremony. One of the multiple reasons we are not going is I have severe flight anxiety, so basically this is not fun, it's actually rather horrifying, and I'd rather do the trip as quickly as possible and without my children. (This is not, by far, the only reason, but it's the only reason still in play if I alone go just for the ceremony)

My brother told me straight out that our family's not attending would be a big statement about both our relationship and my commitment to Judism. Basically, because we have taken long, expensive vacations in the past, we have no excuse for not doing this one. I find off of this extremely insulting. I'm still getting massive grief about just going for two days.

Honestly, I'd just blow the whole thing off if it weren't for the fact that my daughters Bat Mitzbah is 18 months later, and it would break her hear and mine if there were any tit for tat boycotting. However, the fact that if having family there is a priority, it would make sense not to make it hundreds of miles away from family.

Anonymous wrote:First, I totally think it's shitty of him to plan this.

But, if you're well off enough to afford it (and sound like you are), I am also in the minority that you should go. I'm a go along to get along kind of person.

The entire rest of the family is going, and you say your family is close. And you say it's a meaningful destination for them. So I think your nuclear family should all go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is trying to make his child's event the center of the family's life for a week. Longer if you consider that it will preclude people from taking family vacations that are *not* about this cousin / nephew that year. Demandimg upwards of $3,000-$4,000 and intercontinental travel for a kid's life cycle event is over the top. It sends a terrible message to the child himself that everyone is supposed to drop everything because he learned a Torah portion and hit puberty.

There's no way you could ask family members to do something like this for more than one child, which means your brother threw down a marker that his kid is the big-deal kid.

This isn't required religiously. All that's required is the reading before a congregation.

If they want to make this into a special trip for their family that's fine and lovely for them, but telling other people to go is beyond the pale.

If he and his family refuse to attend your local, more convenient bat mitzvah because you didn't buy fOur plane tickets and fly 14 hours each way for their destination event, then that's on him and he needs a good talking to. I'm sure his rabbi would disapprove.

Do what you want and hold your head high. You could have trees planted in Israel to commemorate the occasion and send the boy the traditional card and check.

Don't waste a moment feeling guilty he failed to bully your family into makIng the world revolve around his event.

+1 to ALL of this. OP, I don't think you our your family should feel obligated to go if you don't want to. Skip the trip, give your nephew a card, a check, congratulations and a hug when they all get home. There is no reason you should feel obligated to go on this trip.

Anonymous wrote:Your brother is trying to make his child's event the center of the family's life for a week. Longer if you consider that it will preclude people from taking family vacations that are *not* about this cousin / nephew that year. Demandimg upwards of $3,000-$4,000 and intercontinental travel for a kid's life cycle event is over the top. It sends a terrible message to the child himself that everyone is supposed to drop everything because he learned a Torah portion and hit puberty.

There's no way you could ask family members to do something like this for more than one child, which means your brother threw down a marker that his kid is the big-deal kid.

This isn't required religiously. All that's required is the reading before a congregation.

If they want to make this into a special trip for their family that's fine and lovely for them, but telling other people to go is beyond the pale.

If he and his family refuse to attend your local, more convenient bat mitzvah because you didn't buy fOur plane tickets and fly 14 hours each way for their destination event, then that's on him and he needs a good talking to. I'm sure his rabbi would disapprove.

Do what you want and hold your head high. You could have trees planted in Israel to commemorate the occasion and send the boy the traditional card and check.

Don't waste a moment feeling guilty he failed to bully your family into makIng the world revolve around his event.