Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op how do you all talk about and teach family values? Have you talked about and incorporated gratitude? He just seems to take everything for granted, honestly.

He absolutely does take things for granted. When I try to teach him about budgeting and not wasting money, he will say " we have lots of money".
Of course I teach family values. Maybe he needs to volunteer.

He also needs chores, back breaking, get dirty, ones, like gardening. I am the PP who stated you are enabling him, and this is why. You haven't taught him about budgeting until now? He thinks you have lots of money so he doesn't have to worry about anything. I tell my kids we have money, but that money is going for our early retirement so we don't have to depend on them when we are older, so they better get a good paying job and learn how to budget. We teach them that it is very expensive to live the way we do. They get a small allowance, and they have been taught to budget and save.

He does sound spoiled, and whose fault is that? As a pp stated, he didn't turn this way overnight. You need to be tougher.

Gardening is hard work? Since when? I grew up on a farm (and a garden that was over an acre) and that was hard work but hardly back breaking. Whatever.

The overreactions to stupid mutterings of teenagers is astounding. My kids said shit like that, it rarely got a rise out of me. I even recorded them occasionally and play the recordings now that their adults to remind them of just how stupid they used to be. They can't believe they actually said some of the things they did. Maturation is a wonderful thing. Parents should practice it more.

Gardening can be hard work, yes, depending on what you are doing. Hauling bags of mulch around, mowing a large lot in the summer.. for a private school kid, this is hard work, because more than likely, he does jack shit outside. If you are used to this kind of work, it may not be hard, but chances are, for a private school kid, it would be.

Yes, teens can be shitty, but this is beyond just normal shitty teen behavior.

I would point out that "we" do not have lots of money. You and his father earn money. He does not.

I would also recommend this book:

Cleaning House: A Mom's Twelve-Month Experiment to Rid Her Home of Youth Entitlement

The cultural urge to discipline kids harshly if they don't respond to disrespectful orders with respectful obedience is gross. OP, if someone groused at you all the time like you do your kid, you'd be extremely peeved and eventually tell the person off. Treat your kid with respect as a fellow human being and you will get respect back. Offer advice and wisdom instead of nagging and you will see the reaction you are looking for.

Sounds like he is under pressure from you to "live up to his potential" (i.e. stop getting mediocre grades) and is lashing out at you in response. He is trying to turn it around on you as a defense mechanism/distraction. I don't think punishment is the answer here - you can't punish a kid into not being an asshole. I think you need to say something like "DS, you can't even imagine how hurtful it is to hear you put down the career I love and have worked hard at all my life. It makes me think that you think the only worthwhile goal in life is earning as much money as possible, and that helping people and spending time with family doesn't matter. Please tell me that I'm wrong and that there is something else going on here." You also need to tell him that "living up to your potential" doesn't have to mean doing the most prestigious or lucrative thing - it means working hard and doing your best so you have as many options as possible for your career and future, and you don't lose out on opportunities.

Separately, I think you need to figure out why he is struggling in school and help him with that. If he is succeeding in school he will stop feeling insecure and hopefully will stop lashing out at you. He is going to be so embarrassed when he looks back on these discussions as a 20 year old and realizes how pathetic and spoiled he sounded.

Anonymous wrote:Treating your parents like crap is an age old tradition. He probably tells your DH he's old and slow. He'll grow out if it - hopefully.

Yes, being self centered and being a little bit of a turd is normal at this age. What OP posted is a bridge too far IMO. Right now her son isn't a normal teen, he's a shitty person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op how do you all talk about and teach family values? Have you talked about and incorporated gratitude? He just seems to take everything for granted, honestly.

He absolutely does take things for granted. When I try to teach him about budgeting and not wasting money, he will say " we have lots of money".
Of course I teach family values. Maybe he needs to volunteer.

He also needs chores, back breaking, get dirty, ones, like gardening. I am the PP who stated you are enabling him, and this is why. You haven't taught him about budgeting until now? He thinks you have lots of money so he doesn't have to worry about anything. I tell my kids we have money, but that money is going for our early retirement so we don't have to depend on them when we are older, so they better get a good paying job and learn how to budget. We teach them that it is very expensive to live the way we do. They get a small allowance, and they have been taught to budget and save.

He does sound spoiled, and whose fault is that? As a pp stated, he didn't turn this way overnight. You need to be tougher.

Gardening is hard work? Since when? I grew up on a farm (and a garden that was over an acre) and that was hard work but hardly back breaking. Whatever.

The overreactions to stupid mutterings of teenagers is astounding. My kids said shit like that, it rarely got a rise out of me. I even recorded them occasionally and play the recordings now that their adults to remind them of just how stupid they used to be. They can't believe they actually said some of the things they did. Maturation is a wonderful thing. Parents should practice it more.

Sounds like an ungrateful p.o.s.

Wow. I would slap the living hell out of him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond?

I state that my profession was the perfect fit for me. It allowed me to work PT when I needed to and nights when I needed to. It allowed me to stay home when they were little, it's very flexible. I tell him I never wanted to be a doctor. I am happy being a nurse. I enjoy helping people the way I do.

I tell him that in the real world, nobody asks if you are gifted. You are judged on your grades and accomplishments.

Now I just stop him in his tracks and tell him to stop being disrespectful. If he continues being rude, he loses things like the phone.

OP, here is your mistake. You told your child his IQ and you labelled him "gifted." That's a b.s. word. My IQ is higher than your child's, but am I "gifted"? No. I'm an ordinary person of average accomplishments. I couldn't be a nurse if my life depended on it! So, am I "smarter" than you? I doubt it.

There are so many different types of intelligence. Some people are geniuses with their hands, some are fabulous with people, some are politically gifted, some are great at selling, some are wonderfully organized, some are gifted at art, music, acting, dance, etc. etc. None of these requires a high "IQ". It's just a number that means your son did well on a test of his intellectual abilities. But that's it.

Here's my advice: Ignore whatever he says. Make jokes about his comments. He's a rude, annoying teenager. He says these things to get at you. If you don't respond, he'll stop. The truth is, he means none of it. He has no idea what he's capable of because he's never pushed himself to perform.

And never, never, never mention IQ or use the word "gifted" within his earshot. Never. It does him no good.

He doesn't know the exact IQ. He was in a gifted program. How could I hide that he is gifted?

He's not "gifted." He has an above-average IQ. Schools label their programs "gifted" when they are just a bunch of extra activities for certain kids to do. My DD was in a "gifted" program, but I'd never call her "gifted." She's a smart, pleasant kid who does her homework and gets good grades. "Gifted" to me = prodigy, doing calculus at age 6, playing Beethoven sonatas at age 4. Your kid is above average. Get over it. And stop calling him "gifted"!!

^ very good post. This kid is being very disrespectful to his mom. I just don't see why she even mentioned IQ, or why she thinks that has anything to do with his behavior one way or the other. It is a complete non-factor in this story. Apparently she thinks he should have better impulse control or be nicer because this IQ is high?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond?

I state that my profession was the perfect fit for me. It allowed me to work PT when I needed to and nights when I needed to. It allowed me to stay home when they were little, it's very flexible. I tell him I never wanted to be a doctor. I am happy being a nurse. I enjoy helping people the way I do.

I tell him that in the real world, nobody asks if you are gifted. You are judged on your grades and accomplishments.

Now I just stop him in his tracks and tell him to stop being disrespectful. If he continues being rude, he loses things like the phone.

OP, here is your mistake. You told your child his IQ and you labelled him "gifted." That's a b.s. word. My IQ is higher than your child's, but am I "gifted"? No. I'm an ordinary person of average accomplishments. I couldn't be a nurse if my life depended on it! So, am I "smarter" than you? I doubt it.

There are so many different types of intelligence. Some people are geniuses with their hands, some are fabulous with people, some are politically gifted, some are great at selling, some are wonderfully organized, some are gifted at art, music, acting, dance, etc. etc. None of these requires a high "IQ". It's just a number that means your son did well on a test of his intellectual abilities. But that's it.

Here's my advice: Ignore whatever he says. Make jokes about his comments. He's a rude, annoying teenager. He says these things to get at you. If you don't respond, he'll stop. The truth is, he means none of it. He has no idea what he's capable of because he's never pushed himself to perform.

And never, never, never mention IQ or use the word "gifted" within his earshot. Never. It does him no good.

And I didn't label him gifted, the psychologist did and so did the school.
I do agree with many of your points.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond?

I state that my profession was the perfect fit for me. It allowed me to work PT when I needed to and nights when I needed to. It allowed me to stay home when they were little, it's very flexible. I tell him I never wanted to be a doctor. I am happy being a nurse. I enjoy helping people the way I do.

I tell him that in the real world, nobody asks if you are gifted. You are judged on your grades and accomplishments.

Now I just stop him in his tracks and tell him to stop being disrespectful. If he continues being rude, he loses things like the phone.

OP, here is your mistake. You told your child his IQ and you labelled him "gifted." That's a b.s. word. My IQ is higher than your child's, but am I "gifted"? No. I'm an ordinary person of average accomplishments. I couldn't be a nurse if my life depended on it! So, am I "smarter" than you? I doubt it.

There are so many different types of intelligence. Some people are geniuses with their hands, some are fabulous with people, some are politically gifted, some are great at selling, some are wonderfully organized, some are gifted at art, music, acting, dance, etc. etc. None of these requires a high "IQ". It's just a number that means your son did well on a test of his intellectual abilities. But that's it.

Here's my advice: Ignore whatever he says. Make jokes about his comments. He's a rude, annoying teenager. He says these things to get at you. If you don't respond, he'll stop. The truth is, he means none of it. He has no idea what he's capable of because he's never pushed himself to perform.

And never, never, never mention IQ or use the word "gifted" within his earshot. Never. It does him no good.

He doesn't know the exact IQ. He was in a gifted program. How could I hide that he is gifted?

OP, you should probably read Faber and Mazlisch's book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. On that note, often with teenagers, the best defense is a good offense. The more challenged they feel about their own life, achievements, morals, priorities, whatever - the more they will try to push those questions right back onto the person challenging them (that was you). It is important that you do not take the bait, otherwise you will feed into the cycle and the conversation will escalate.

Volunteering isn't a magic bullet. You would need to choose carefully how to do that.

Did you tell us how your DS speaks to your DH, and how your DH reacted to what DS said to you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond?

I state that my profession was the perfect fit for me. It allowed me to work PT when I needed to and nights when I needed to. It allowed me to stay home when they were little, it's very flexible. I tell him I never wanted to be a doctor. I am happy being a nurse. I enjoy helping people the way I do.

I tell him that in the real world, nobody asks if you are gifted. You are judged on your grades and accomplishments.

Now I just stop him in his tracks and tell him to stop being disrespectful. If he continues being rude, he loses things like the phone.

OP, here is your mistake. You told your child his IQ and you labelled him "gifted." That's a b.s. word. My IQ is higher than your child's, but am I "gifted"? No. I'm an ordinary person of average accomplishments. I couldn't be a nurse if my life depended on it! So, am I "smarter" than you? I doubt it.

There are so many different types of intelligence. Some people are geniuses with their hands, some are fabulous with people, some are politically gifted, some are great at selling, some are wonderfully organized, some are gifted at art, music, acting, dance, etc. etc. None of these requires a high "IQ". It's just a number that means your son did well on a test of his intellectual abilities. But that's it.

Here's my advice: Ignore whatever he says. Make jokes about his comments. He's a rude, annoying teenager. He says these things to get at you. If you don't respond, he'll stop. The truth is, he means none of it. He has no idea what he's capable of because he's never pushed himself to perform.

And never, never, never mention IQ or use the word "gifted" within his earshot. Never. It does him no good.

Teenagers are brats. I would get a notepad and start writing down what he says in front of him. Tell him he is on record. He also needs a job as soon as he turns of age.