Anonymous
05/02/2016 14:39
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Just to completely throw a wrench in things, I am genetically related to both of my parents. My brother is adopted. He looks very similar to both of my parents – in fact he could be a mixture of both of their genes. He has struggled with feeling discarded by his birth family. He recommended that I use donor egg rather than adopt, thinking it might be easier on the child.
I'm not "voting" against adoption at all -- I'm just saying it's very hard to know how any individual child is going to feel about the way he or she came into a family. Your child won't be you, of course, so he or she will likely feel differently about it all than you would. If YOU would be more comfortable adopting than using DE, then I think you should adopt. But I think it's an iffy game to guess which would make your child more comfortable. So hard to know.
I'm not "voting" against adoption at all -- I'm just saying it's very hard to know how any individual child is going to feel about the way he or she came into a family. Your child won't be you, of course, so he or she will likely feel differently about it all than you would. If YOU would be more comfortable adopting than using DE, then I think you should adopt. But I think it's an iffy game to guess which would make your child more comfortable. So hard to know.
Anonymous
05/02/2016 12:56
Subject: Re:Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Agree with PP ^ Also REs say that some of the most satisfied parents/ patients they have are the DE parents.
Anonymous
05/02/2016 12:48
Subject: Re:Donor eggs. vs. adoption
OP, I'm a mom with two daughters - one OE and one DE. I agree with the poster who said it seems that you are not in a place to do either DE or adoption. I'll give you my perspective on DE.
My DE daughter - DD2 - is still quite young, so she hasn't hit the age at which it would even occur to her to wonder if I'm her "real mother". We're very close, so I hope that thought would never enter her mind. DD1 looks very much like me and DD2 doesn't at all - she sort of looks like DH, but really she's a combo of DH and our donor, who doesn't look a thing like me. DD1 knows about the fact that we used DE to have DD2, and it's just not an issue at all. The girls adore each other, and DH and I are close to our two girls. No one has used the donor issue to try to drive a wedge between any of us.
We have not told any of our extended family about using DE. None of the grandparents knows, nor aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. We occasionally get comments from our family wondering who DD2 looks like. It bothers me when it happens, I'll be honest, since I don't want DD2 to feel different. No one has harped on it, and we don't get these comments often, so it hasn't been too much of an issue. We answer nonchalantly "she looks like herself" and then we move on to "how did Larla's soccer game go?"
I started the DE process not 100% sure I wanted to do DE, but I knew I would love any child who came to us. I was glad to get to carry another baby and to have child who shared genetics with DD1 and DH. I'm so thrilled we did DE and that I didn't waste another minute. YMMV though, and it sounds as though if you're really thinking about adoption or DE that you should sort your feelings out with a therapist who specializes in these issues.
On OBs and medical literature: I don't think doctors are always great about reading and understanding the literature. I also think that OBs aren't great about understanding RE research and vice versa. There is a small amount of evidence that moms through DE can be more prone to PIH due to an immune response. As for unhealthy babies? I'd need to see the citation on that. There are DE kids with issues, but I wonder how much of that is beyond what would normally be expected. I also wonder how much of that is due to the fact that a lot of people transfer more than one embryo and end up with twins.
My DE daughter - DD2 - is still quite young, so she hasn't hit the age at which it would even occur to her to wonder if I'm her "real mother". We're very close, so I hope that thought would never enter her mind. DD1 looks very much like me and DD2 doesn't at all - she sort of looks like DH, but really she's a combo of DH and our donor, who doesn't look a thing like me. DD1 knows about the fact that we used DE to have DD2, and it's just not an issue at all. The girls adore each other, and DH and I are close to our two girls. No one has used the donor issue to try to drive a wedge between any of us.
We have not told any of our extended family about using DE. None of the grandparents knows, nor aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. We occasionally get comments from our family wondering who DD2 looks like. It bothers me when it happens, I'll be honest, since I don't want DD2 to feel different. No one has harped on it, and we don't get these comments often, so it hasn't been too much of an issue. We answer nonchalantly "she looks like herself" and then we move on to "how did Larla's soccer game go?"
I started the DE process not 100% sure I wanted to do DE, but I knew I would love any child who came to us. I was glad to get to carry another baby and to have child who shared genetics with DD1 and DH. I'm so thrilled we did DE and that I didn't waste another minute. YMMV though, and it sounds as though if you're really thinking about adoption or DE that you should sort your feelings out with a therapist who specializes in these issues.
On OBs and medical literature: I don't think doctors are always great about reading and understanding the literature. I also think that OBs aren't great about understanding RE research and vice versa. There is a small amount of evidence that moms through DE can be more prone to PIH due to an immune response. As for unhealthy babies? I'd need to see the citation on that. There are DE kids with issues, but I wonder how much of that is beyond what would normally be expected. I also wonder how much of that is due to the fact that a lot of people transfer more than one embryo and end up with twins.
Anonymous
05/01/2016 20:24
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Normally I would never suggest this but do you think that you could do gender selection if you went with DE? I do agree that there is the potential for challenges with a DE daughter. but I think some clinics do allow for gender selection for family balancing (but SG does not -- not sure if that is your clinic.
Anonymous
05/01/2016 20:04
Subject: Re:Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Also wanted to add that another consideration is that I have an own egg daughter already. If I do DE and have another girl I feel like that would be a challenging dynamic--would the DE daughter say that I'm not her real mom and feel negatively toward OE daughter? I feel like the dynamic would be much easier if DE baby was the other gender, though there's a 50% chance it would be a girl. I feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE. I wouldn't be so hesitant about DE if I didn't already have an own egg child, but my daughter looks exactly like me and the DE daughter wouldn't.
OP, why do you think the fact that your daughter looks exactly like you would impact a DE child and an adopted child differently? Seems like that one would cause the same type of issues / problems either way. I don't get why you would "feel like being adopted would be easier for a child to digest than coming from DE." Also, there would be no guarantee that your own child would look enough like you not to cause issues either. It's a little weird to me that you are considering this an issue at all, but particularly so that you think it would be a bigger issue for a donor egg child. I would think the opposite--at least there's a shot the donor egg child could look like dad.
Anonymous
05/01/2016 16:32
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
From my DE daughter the other day:
Her - "Mommy I want to marry you. Can we get married?"
Me - "We can't get married for three reasons. 1. I am already married. 2. You are my child. 3. You are under 18."
Her - "But at least we aren't related!"
Her - "Mommy I want to marry you. Can we get married?"
Me - "We can't get married for three reasons. 1. I am already married. 2. You are my child. 3. You are under 18."
Her - "But at least we aren't related!"
Anonymous
04/30/2016 16:31
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
*dontcha
Anonymous
04/30/2016 16:30
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:From just a few minutes ago:
My adopted daughter's knee started hurting for some reason. My knee always hurts.
DD: "I hear these things run in families."
Me: "Yes, but remember that we're not genetically related."
DD: "Maybe God thinks we are."
Me (melting): "Maybe he does. He sure knew how to connect our hearts together."
Adoption is a wonderful thing.
Why not call her your daughter? Adoption is wonderful but it should not be used in that way.
Of course I call her my daughter. She IS my daughter. But noting that she is my adopted daughter was important to the story, don't ha think? No need to be contrary.
Anonymous
04/30/2016 15:52
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:From just a few minutes ago:
My adopted daughter's knee started hurting for some reason. My knee always hurts.
DD: "I hear these things run in families."
Me: "Yes, but remember that we're not genetically related."
DD: "Maybe God thinks we are."
Me (melting): "Maybe he does. He sure knew how to connect our hearts together."
Adoption is a wonderful thing.
Totally crying now!
Anonymous
04/30/2016 15:28
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:From just a few minutes ago:
My adopted daughter's knee started hurting for some reason. My knee always hurts.
DD: "I hear these things run in families."
Me: "Yes, but remember that we're not genetically related."
DD: "Maybe God thinks we are."
Me (melting): "Maybe he does. He sure knew how to connect our hearts together."
Adoption is a wonderful thing.
Why not call her your daughter? Adoption is wonderful but it should not be used in that way.
Anonymous
04/30/2016 15:01
Subject: Re:Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a lot of thought, I've come up with a pro/con list that I'd like to have some feedback on. Here's the list, pros and cons for us of donor egg vs. adoption.
Donor egg pros
1) I would know the medical history/background of the child since the father would be my husband and I would get some medical info/background on the egg donor, so that is comforting.
2) Husband would be the biological father and he has great genes
3) The ability to choose the donor makes me feel like I have some control over the process
4) Short wait time--can start ASAP
5) High success rates of pregnancy relative to IUI or IVF
6) Egg would be from young donor so more likely to be healthy eggs and husband's sperm is excellent so probably would be a healthy baby
7) Could possibly find a donor from our ethnic background
Donor egg cons
1) Requires taking fertility drugs for me, which makes me very uneasy
2) Requires going through pregnancy (my first and only pregnancy wasn't great in the sense that I had significant morning sickness the entire time and wasn't able to gain much weight during the pregnancy due to constant nausea). Other than that no complications, but I did not enjoy pregnancy at all and felt horrible every single day of the pregnancy. Now that I have a toddler it would be hard to go through that again and take care of my toddler (I'm a SAHM).
3) Very expensive, and if I don't get pregnant that money is just gone.
4) Since I have one biological child already, I worry that the DE child will feel that I'm not his/her real mother or would feel that our daughter isn't his/her real sister. I worry about the DE feeling "different." Also would worry about this more if DE child is same gender as own egg child.
5) I feel like the donor egg concept is a challenging thing for a child to understand--seems very complicated to explain versus adoption, which seems much easier to understand.
Adoption pros
1) Easier to explain to the child than DE, and I feel like adoption is more common/more out in the open so the adopted child could meet other kids (classmates, etc.) who were also adopted. For instance, I have a few mom friends who have adopted children, but I think donor egg is less commonly shared.
2) Wouldn't have any risk to my health from fertility drugs (I have an extensive family history of reproductive cancers, including ovarian, which makes me worried about taking fertility drugs).
3) Wouldn't have to go through pregnancy (a plus in my mind)
4) Could specify a preference for gender
Adoption cons
1) Takes a long time, could be years, before we are matched
2) Very expensive, with no guarantee of a successful adoption
3) The adoption process seems really complicated.
3) May have to deal with the birth mother's use of drugs/alcohol during pregnancy
4) Wouldn't have much or possibly any family history
5) More likely to get matched with a child who has special needs, which would be difficult for us to deal with both financially and due to lack of support network
6) I'm not sure how comfortable I am with the concept of an open adoption.
7) I worry that the child would feel "different" in our family because of the fact that we have a biological daughter already, and the fact that our daughter looks exactly like me.
OP At this point I do not think you could pass the screening for either adoption OR DE. I know you are being very sincere here on an anon forum, but the issues you raise seem to point towards that you think adoption would be 'easier" Maybe. but I have not heard anyone say that it is.
But your concerns -- my DD looks just like me, I had morning sickness, DE babies are so unhealthy (??)
DE is a form of adoption and I do not think you have come to terms with the concept of adoption, either, really. Maybe if you could talk this all through with a counselor, that would help. At this point, you do not sound ready to move forward.
Anonymous
04/30/2016 14:00
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
From just a few minutes ago:
My adopted daughter's knee started hurting for some reason. My knee always hurts.
DD: "I hear these things run in families."
Me: "Yes, but remember that we're not genetically related."
DD: "Maybe God thinks we are."
Me (melting): "Maybe he does. He sure knew how to connect our hearts together."
Adoption is a wonderful thing.
My adopted daughter's knee started hurting for some reason. My knee always hurts.
DD: "I hear these things run in families."
Me: "Yes, but remember that we're not genetically related."
DD: "Maybe God thinks we are."
Me (melting): "Maybe he does. He sure knew how to connect our hearts together."
Adoption is a wonderful thing.
Anonymous
04/30/2016 13:51
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's a very tough call. I would do donor eggs if my last ditch attempt with OE doesn't work. For me (and I am being very candid here since this is an anonymous board), there are 3 factors that make adoption a no go: 1) cost 2) logistics and 3) I am not interested in raising someone else's child after going though 1) and 2).
For DE I would go outside of the US in part to minimize the costs and I would feel better knowing that the child is my husband's, since he is the reason I want to have children to begin with. I would also feel better being able to learn about the donor (education, hobbies, photos).
I admire people who adopt, but I know I am not cut out for that. I realize all this may make me sound like a bit of an ass, but this is honestly how I feel.
But do you think it's weird that it's his not yours? Like they'll have a bond you don't share? At least with adoption it's an equal footing (neither of yours)?
I am the quoted PP. No, I personally wouldn't think it's weird. The reason I want to have children is my DH - I want a continuation of him. If the other half can't be mine (after multiple attempts of IVF) then it is what it is - my biological material has expired. With adoption I would feel it's someone else's kid altogether.
Anonymous
04/30/2016 00:44
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It's a very tough call. I would do donor eggs if my last ditch attempt with OE doesn't work. For me (and I am being very candid here since this is an anonymous board), there are 3 factors that make adoption a no go: 1) cost 2) logistics and 3) I am not interested in raising someone else's child after going though 1) and 2).
For DE I would go outside of the US in part to minimize the costs and I would feel better knowing that the child is my husband's, since he is the reason I want to have children to begin with. I would also feel better being able to learn about the donor (education, hobbies, photos).
I admire people who adopt, but I know I am not cut out for that. I realize all this may make me sound like a bit of an ass, but this is honestly how I feel.
But do you think it's weird that it's his not yours? Like they'll have a bond you don't share? At least with adoption it's an equal footing (neither of yours)?
Not the op, but yes, this aspect feels weird to me personally.
Holding my DE baby right now. He's totally mine. Do not feel like he isn't just because we don't share genetics. In fact, for me, carrying him was a big factor in why I choose DE vs adoption. There is a greater chance of bonding because you are with each other for 40 weeks. (But any adoptive parent will also tell you that they bond quickly). I felt pain the first time I was away from him. Can't get more bonded than that.
DH was worried that I would resent his genetic connection, so he offered to use donor sperm to level the playing field. It was sweet but I declined his offer.
As for MS during pregnancy- look into magnesium deficiency and MS. I made a point to get lots of magnesium via supplements, drinking coconut water and through the skin and had no MS.
Anonymous
04/29/2016 23:24
Subject: Donor eggs. vs. adoption
Are you also the poster re 15% chance with an IUI, or is that a different person?