Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 23:16     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
I never had any close friends who divorced. However, I have in the past judged people for divorcing. And now look, here I am getting a divorce! Mine is from abuse though. And I do have another friend (male) who was abused by his wife and they got divorced.

I will take this as an opportunity to apologize to the random acquaintances I have judged for getting a divorce. I'm sorry, people. That was not nice of me at all.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 21:59     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
I am 100% against divorce for ANY reason. Do I judge, no but I think what they did it wrong and I personally believe divorce should be against the law. You divorce, you die simple as that. You made a commitment in front of God. Till death do us part. If you choose to part fine but you both need to die.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 21:47     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Don't underestimate the power of the nice guy passive aggressive spouse to earn a divorce.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 18:24     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Nope, I'm divorced so I have no right to judge. If anything, I worry that I'm being judged.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 17:38     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:Yes. Then again, I am a ENFJ on Myers Briggs. Just part of my personality.

I judge when there seems to be zero interest or attempt to go to counseling, or mediation or time to consider the consequences or even fight for the marriage. I judge when the dating other people starts before the marriage ends.



No, the J in Meyers Briggs is about making choices and taking control rather than judging other people's actions. Being a "J" isn't giving you free reign to judge people.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 17:37     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Yes, assuming no abuse/addiction, I judge. I'll admit it. If I know it was against the wishes of one spouse, I only judge the leaving spouse. We have a dear friend with 3 kids and his wife just decided she didn't feel like being married anymore. He was so blindsided and heartbroken. High earning, super involved/helpful dad. Who does that??!?

Did she tell you this was the reason or did you just get his version of events? No one can ever know what goes on in someone else's house. That superinvolved husband may be putting on a show."

Yep. How are you so sure there was no abuse or addiction? About 6 people in the world knew what was going on in my marriage. Most think my ex was a nice guy, if a bit of a slacker.


He is my husband's very close friend. He is not an addict or an abuser. He got a big (almost 7 figure) payout from his previous company that sold and as soon as it hit their account, she ask for a divorce out of the clear blue sky. Her children were 5, 2, and 2 at the time. She did not ask for counseling. She did not suggest a trial separation. She could not even articulate to him what he "did wrong." She just said she didn't want to be married anymore.


You still only have one side of the story. Maybe she had been telling him what the problems were for years and he didn't listen or hear her. So when she got ready to leave she wasn't rehashing it. She had told him over and over and over again with no change. Sounds like HE thinks he's a catch and he assumed that was enough.

Even if all that's true (which I doubt) that's not reason enough to break up your children's home.

Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 17:06     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:"Yes, assuming no abuse/addiction, I judge. I'll admit it. If I know it was against the wishes of one spouse, I only judge the leaving spouse. We have a dear friend with 3 kids and his wife just decided she didn't feel like being married anymore. He was so blindsided and heartbroken. High earning, super involved/helpful dad. Who does that??!?

Did she tell you this was the reason or did you just get his version of events? No one can ever know what goes on in someone else's house. That superinvolved husband may be putting on a show."

Yep. How are you so sure there was no abuse or addiction? About 6 people in the world knew what was going on in my marriage. Most think my ex was a nice guy, if a bit of a slacker.


He is my husband's very close friend. He is not an addict or an abuser. He got a big (almost 7 figure) payout from his previous company that sold and as soon as it hit their account, she ask for a divorce out of the clear blue sky. Her children were 5, 2, and 2 at the time. She did not ask for counseling. She did not suggest a trial separation. She could not even articulate to him what he "did wrong." She just said she didn't want to be married anymore.


You still only have one side of the story. Maybe she had been telling him what the problems were for years and he didn't listen or hear her. So when she got ready to leave she wasn't rehashing it. She had told him over and over and over again with no change. Sounds like HE thinks he's a catch and he assumed that was enough.

Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 16:58     Subject: Re:s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged



You see? and THAT right there is what we judge you for. And the point of this. you knew about his disorder (or should have) before you married him and rather than figuring out a way to make it work, it's all about YOU being HAPPY. I hope you don't have kids. The woman in our neighborhood has older kids, but it's the same attitude: I"M not happy. I can't be happy. ME ME ME unfortunately at the expense of the family.


You're absurd - a spouse who refuses to address a mental health issue and is therefore unable to fulfill almost any aspect of being a life partner broke vows long before the person deciding to divorce. As someone said - its not a suicide pact or vow to suffer for 50 years, who does that possibly serve? What sane spouse would want their SO to do that on their behalf? Why in the world would you want someone to feel forced to stay with you if they were very unhappy with you in an unsolvable way? Why would you want kids to see that model?


Because for far too many on DCUM, marriage IS a death pact. You on't deserve to be happy because you chose a poor partner, from their perspective. Wanting to be happy is selfish. Just stay married then die. At least you got to live WOTP!
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 16:55     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce

I try to know as little detail as possible, because otherwise I'm sure I would judge.

Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 16:55     Subject: Re:s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:
These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged



You see? and THAT right there is what we judge you for. And the point of this. you knew about his disorder (or should have) before you married him and rather than figuring out a way to make it work, it's all about YOU being HAPPY. I hope you don't have kids. The woman in our neighborhood has older kids, but it's the same attitude: I"M not happy. I can't be happy. ME ME ME unfortunately at the expense of the family.


You know nothing of mental illness. Anxiety disorders are not always apparent from the outside. Anxiety disorders are often missed for years by medical doctors, so how do you think untrained partners should be able to diagnose them? Sometimes they are manageable but sometimes something shifts in life that suddenly worsens them or medications stop working.

I am not the PP to whom you respond, but go ahead and judge her. I am judging you too now for your ignorance and narrow-mindedness.

One of the best things I did was get myself and my kids out of my marriage with my mentally ill spouse. We now have a chance to grow up happy and healthy. I still maintain a relationship with my ex and so do the kids and it is healthier and happier now that the kids and I spend the majority of our time without him in a safe a stable home. Surprisingly, without the responsibilities and stresses of parenting, my ex is also healthier and happier.

We have figured out a way to make our family work, even if you judge it to be wrong.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 16:52     Subject: Re:s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:
These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged



You see? and THAT right there is what we judge you for. And the point of this. you knew about his disorder (or should have) before you married him and rather than figuring out a way to make it work, it's all about YOU being HAPPY. I hope you don't have kids. The woman in our neighborhood has older kids, but it's the same attitude: I"M not happy. I can't be happy. ME ME ME unfortunately at the expense of the family.


You're absurd - a spouse who refuses to address a mental health issue and is therefore unable to fulfill almost any aspect of being a life partner broke vows long before the person deciding to divorce. As someone said - its not a suicide pact or vow to suffer for 50 years, who does that possibly serve? What sane spouse would want their SO to do that on their behalf? Why in the world would you want someone to feel forced to stay with you if they were very unhappy with you in an unsolvable way? Why would you want kids to see that model?
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 16:41     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:I judge how people divorce but not the fact that they are divorcing. Jerks who get super hostile and put their children through hell? I judge. People who decided they were done and act like adults and keep the drama between the adults? No judgement. No kids? Kudos to you for knowing it was wrong before kids!


+1

No one really knows what goes on inside someone else's marriage. I judge people for cheating, I judge them for abandoning their kids after a divorce, I judge them for badmouthing their ex to their kids or otherwise putting the kids in the middle, I judge them for being hostile, petty jerks or drama queens. But not for the mere fact that they are divorcing, because I simply don't know all the facts.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 16:30     Subject: Re:s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:you knew about his disorder (or should have) before you married him and rather than figuring out a way to make it work, it's all about YOU being HAPPY.


You don't know this and there's no way you CAN know this - nor can you glibly throw out "should have"...bullshit.

Also: marriage is not a suicide pact.

Lemme guess, you're the "addiction, adultery, abuse" poster...tell me why you can get a divorce over those, when "you should have known" about those "character flaws" before hand.

Ridiculous.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 15:29     Subject: Re:s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
These judging comments hurt. I'm currently divorcing my husband due to his anxiety disorder that was sucking the life out of me. There was no future in which I could be happy with him. This isn't something I'll share with people though, it's his private business. And for that I'll apparently be judged



You see? and THAT right there is what we judge you for. And the point of this. you knew about his disorder (or should have) before you married him and rather than figuring out a way to make it work, it's all about YOU being HAPPY. I hope you don't have kids. The woman in our neighborhood has older kids, but it's the same attitude: I"M not happy. I can't be happy. ME ME ME unfortunately at the expense of the family.
Anonymous
Post 04/27/2016 15:22     Subject: s/o do you judge your friends who divorce
Anonymous wrote:You might be judged. I know people who judge me. But those folks are not my friends, and have no inkling of what my life was like, or the kind of hell my exH put our family through.


This. I don't judge others and I could care less if someone "judges" me - hopefully that means they won't want to be friends with me and I won't have to pretend to be nice to them...I cannot stand judgey people.

The truth is that nobody knows what goes on in other people's marriages..you just don't. Even if someone uses you as their sounding board, confidant, friend...you only have their side of the story.

Don't worry about people judging you if you are getting a divorce.