Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this isn't a troll, I'll bite. I am a SAHM with much more modest hhi and DH gives me $$ to do with what I want each month. This is not for regular items like clothes, but more for things like frivolous purses or spa days or travel with friends. I actually put a decent amount of it away into a savings account. NBD if I decided to give that $ to my brother -- it's already gone in DH's eyes.

OP here. I just brought up getting a set dollar amount per month. I said 5k. I did not bring up my family. I said I want to be able to save it or buy a purse or treat my friend on a trip.

It does not cause fights but I have a childhood friend who is recently divorced. I wanted to travel with her and DH did not want to cover her plane ticket. He was fine with paying for my hotel and my friend stay with me. When she first moved into an empty apartment with tears. I would have loved to gift her a couch or something. DH said no.

I think I am just more generous with others. DH will take turns treating friends to drinks or dinner but that is the extent of it.

You are irresponsible with money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Does your brother qualify for HEAP, Food Stamps, etc.? Do you and DH claim your brother as a dependent for tax purposes?

Yes, he collects food stamps (gets the EBT card filled per month) and a small housing stipend.

He gets a housing stipend when he has a fully paid for house? That sounds fraudulent.

Another Red Flag in this story.

My brother would be homeless without us. He used to live with my parents and my parents were struggling financially so a social worker helped my brother get disability benefits. The housing stipend was calculated based on his share of my parents' home expenses. It was causing my parents too much stress as they aged and had health problems of their own.

DH is technically my brother's landlord. There is a lease. We also have other tenants.

My brother would have been placed in a group home. This broke my heart so DH found a solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't know really what to say. See if he will go for it in exchange for a reduction in your personal spending?

I actually got a cheaper Mercedes this year. Instead of getting a $100k+ car, I got a 55k car. I did this because I wanted to get my brother a new car. I thought we could get my brother a ~20k car. DH got upset at me because he said I should have gotten a nicer car if I wanted a nicer car. I think the my wanting to be generous is what bothers DH and in turn this bothers me greatly that DH does not want to be generous.

You lost me after the $100,000 car. You need to stay employed.

"I often have to hide a few hundred in cash to give to my brother. DH bought a home for my brother and pays all his bills."

Let's see. Your DH pays all of your brother's bills, pays your brother's property taxes, your brother receives food stamps plus a housing stipend and you slip your brother a few hundred on a regular basis.

Faux, faux, faux.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Does your brother qualify for HEAP, Food Stamps, etc.? Do you and DH claim your brother as a dependent for tax purposes?

Yes, he collects food stamps (gets the EBT card filled per month) and a small housing stipend.

He gets a housing stipend when he has a fully paid for house? That sounds fraudulent.

Another Red Flag in this story.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually don't call troll, but...you spend $10000/mo and your husband even noticed (and cared) that you bought a $100 gift card to a grocery store? Stop it.

If only you could be a fly on our wall. We have so many ridiculous things we bicker about. I always want to give more. He wants to give less. He has mentioned getting rid of cable. He cancelled our exterminator contract because he thought we were getting ripped off. He complains EVERY SINGLE TIME we drive to NYC how expensive tolls are and doesn't want to get in the express lane. I have literally had to yell at him to get into the express lane for $10. Even birthday presents and baby shower gifts. The common theme is that he always thinks I give too much.

DH is my husband. I understand him. He is a very hard working individual who is fair. He reciprocates. He doesn't like the feeling that he/we always give more and will never get it back.

I am going to take the slush fund approach. I will gladly give up a bag, shoes or coat so that I can spend that same money on my family.

You're not "gifting too much", you're WASTING money. I'm thinking you guys probably don't have as much money as YOU think you do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this isn't a troll, I'll bite. I am a SAHM with much more modest hhi and DH gives me $$ to do with what I want each month. This is not for regular items like clothes, but more for things like frivolous purses or spa days or travel with friends. I actually put a decent amount of it away into a savings account. NBD if I decided to give that $ to my brother -- it's already gone in DH's eyes.

OP here. I just brought up getting a set dollar amount per month. I said 5k. I did not bring up my family. I said I want to be able to save it or buy a purse or treat my friend on a trip.

It does not cause fights but I have a childhood friend who is recently divorced. I wanted to travel with her and DH did not want to cover her plane ticket. He was fine with paying for my hotel and my friend stay with me. When she first moved into an empty apartment with tears. I would have loved to gift her a couch or something. DH said no.

I think I am just more generous with others. DH will take turns treating friends to drinks or dinner but that is the extent of it.

I'm sorry but your expectations for "generosity" are insane. I wouldn't buy my DH's best friend a couch. She's divorced, presumably she's getting alimony? Half the stuff from her house? OMG.

My husband would want just as much of a say in how money is spent whether I were workng or not. All money that comes in is shared.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Does your brother qualify for HEAP, Food Stamps, etc.? Do you and DH claim your brother as a dependent for tax purposes?

Yes, he collects food stamps (gets the EBT card filled per month) and a small housing stipend.

He gets a housing stipend when he has a fully paid for house? That sounds fraudulent.

Don't get your brother in trouble by giving him extra cash each month/year. I'm sure it depends on the state, but where I live, gifted money is considered "income," and can cause one to be over the income limit for food stamps (not sure about Social Security or SSI). Hey, if you want to give him the money, and he gets off food stamps, that's fine. But it would be just awful for him to get caught accepting your money AND receiving food stamps. I'm sure others have mentioned the same.

I think supporting your disabled brother is the right thing to do. But it is such a large expense that your partner needs to agree to it. I SAH, and we budget very tightly. DH and I EACH get a set amount per month. I then budget "my" amount for groceries and other necessities (including birthday gifts), and occasional shopping trips, lunch out, massage, etc. But if we were to give a family member a large chunk of money or make any big purchase, we'd discuss together and rebudget.

Op spend his money on improving your writing skills.

Anonymous wrote:No, I do not get paid by my DH. However, he gives me all his earnings because I am his wife. Is that ok by you?

I shouldn't have used the word paid. Maybe fund transfer would be more appropriate for retirement, savings, fun money, etc.

Anonymous wrote:I usually don't call troll, but...you spend $10000/mo and your husband even noticed (and cared) that you bought a $100 gift card to a grocery store? Stop it.

Well, if the story is true I would say it's not the individual gift card that's the problem, but the fact that OP is hemorrhaging money in a never-satisfied quest to support an ever growing list of friends and family.

Anonymous wrote:I usually don't call troll, but...you spend $10000/mo and your husband even noticed (and cared) that you bought a $100 gift card to a grocery store? Stop it.

If only you could be a fly on our wall. We have so many ridiculous things we bicker about. I always want to give more. He wants to give less. He has mentioned getting rid of cable. He cancelled our exterminator contract because he thought we were getting ripped off. He complains EVERY SINGLE TIME we drive to NYC how expensive tolls are and doesn't want to get in the express lane. I have literally had to yell at him to get into the express lane for $10. Even birthday presents and baby shower gifts. The common theme is that he always thinks I give too much.

DH is my husband. I understand him. He is a very hard working individual who is fair. He reciprocates. He doesn't like the feeling that he/we always give more and will never get it back.

I am going to take the slush fund approach. I will gladly give up a bag, shoes or coat so that I can spend that same money on my family.

No, I do not get paid by my DH. However, he gives me all his earnings because I am his wife. Is that ok by you?

You have a job - raising both your children, which both of you decided on - the income should not be seen as "his". You should be able to spend as you like or on what you like. It would probably be good for you as a family to have saving/retirement goals. But if you want to keep a set amount of money separate to feel like you are not spending "his" money - you should, unless you do not value your contribution in supporting your family so that your husband can work. You sound like you feel like you are spending "his" money.