Anonymous wrote:If people notice him ranting like a maniac in the halls, then that's more than getting angry for 15 seconds. Nothing wrong with getting angry about something. If how you handle it involves acting in ways that scare, embarrass, and upset your partner, then you need to find new ways to express your anger.

I get it, OP. My neighbors would look at me funny sometimes, and with pity, and keep their distance, because they'd often overhear my husband screaming and cursing. He didn't call me names or hit me, but he was horrible and frightening, and would use his outbursts to control me and keep me quiet. And that's emotional abuse. It took us both a long time and years of therapy to understand this and work on changing the dynamic--me to stop making excuses and putting up with it, and him to get at the roots of his issues and learn to manage his anger and emotions and behave appropriately.

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. To answer a few questions:

I am 40.

I am aware of my fertility issues. We've done IVF after losing several pregnancies (one late-term). It's not happening without an egg donor - which I have lined up, I'm just reluctant to go through with it now.

I do not feel that I can raise a child on my own. I earn enough to support myself, but I don't think I could swing it with a dependent.

To the "mellowed guy" - I actually thought his was a wise and thoughtful response. He seems to understand my husband's perspective without condoning his behavior. My husband is middle-aged, so not just starting out, but he is trying to build a business and he's not bringing in a lot of money. That is a huge source of stress. We have had to spent a lot of money on fertility treatments, and I worry about being able to afford a child if we do have one. And when I worry about that, he feels emasculated. If I say, "I'm worried," he hears "You're a failure as a provider." He also deals with some OCD issues, which compound the frustration and outburst problem.

Over the weekend, during the fallout from this incident, he said he always feels like I'm judging him. And he's right - I have not been good about learning to let little things go, and when I nag it chips away at his self-esteem (as my therapist has explained to me). He also said that he doesn't feel like I've got his back. He said that in an argument between him and a member of my family, he would expect me to take their side because he thinks I don't fully consider him a part of my family. I felt very guilty when he said this; maybe there's some truth to it. I do want him to feel like I'm on his team, but when he's (for example) berating a customer service rep on the phone who's not helping him quickly/smartly/efficiently enough, I won't side with him, because he's being unnecessarily unkind to an innocent party.

When my husband has a problem with me, he talks to me about it - he doesn't lash out and say mean things to me. But when he is frustrated with life, he effects a nasty demeanor. e.g., if his computer isn't working, he'll quicly start cursing and get red in the face, and I've learned not to try to help because he'll just bite my head off. It's like trying to rescue a wild dog: He might love you when it's said and done, but you may lose a finger.

He's a large man with a booming voice, so it's frightening when he shouts in anger.

Anonymous wrote:Op please don't let your fear of being alone prevent you from leaving this man.

You were embarrassed and you should have been. No one should be screamed and talked to like that. <...>

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saturday morning, as my husband and I were preparing for a weekend trip, he lost his temper and a couple of people in our condo building witnessed it. I feel mortified.

He has an explosive temper and very low tolerance for frustration. He's been working on it - meditating daily, which has helped A LOT - but he still blows up sometimes. Saturday his computer died just before we left, and we were running late, and he kept forgetting to pack things and having to go back inside... I went upstairs to grab his coat and when I came back down and got off the elevator in the lobby, I heard a man telling the concierge, "There's a man standing outside by himself shouting. Maybe you should do something." A moment later I realized it was my husband; he had lost control. As soon as he saw me coming through the door he screamed at me, "MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" - he had forgotten one more thing and needed the keys from me to go up and get it. I looked back at the concierge, and she looked at me, and I have never felt so embarrassed in my life.

Something in me just broke. I spent the entire car ride thinking about what life is going to be like when I'm divorced and alone. It made me so terribly sad. I'll never have children. It's so hard to meet someone new. I don't want to be on my own. I wish our society didn't look down on single women. I look into my future and see myself alone, my parents getting older, my parents eventually gone, my siblings raising their families and me with nobody. I've been unable to have children since we started trying a few years ago and for that reason, plus the situation I described here, I am so, so depressed.

As usual, once the incident was over, my husband had put it behind him and only noticed 3/4 of the way through the drive that I hadn't said anything for three hours. When I explained my silence, he was incredulous that the guy in the lobby had said anything and that I felt humiliated. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, but it only lasted 15 seconds," he said. (To which I replied, "How long does a car accident take?") We talked about splitting up over the weekend - which was extra painful as we were traveling to meet my sibling's new baby. He doesn't want to split, but he also doesn't want to feel like he can't "express his frustration" when he feels it. And he's tired of coming home to an unhappy wife. (See "depressed," above.)

I don't have a question, really. I just needed to write this out and know that someone would read it. Thanks for listening.

This is the depression talking. This is not how things will end up for you.

I'm so sorry OP. I would not have kids with this person. Kids, as wonderful as they are, will push you to your limits. I don't consider myself a person with anger issues and they will really push your buttons and push the boundaries and it takes a lot of self control and self awareness at times to stay calm. It's just a recipe for disaster for a person who already has anger issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. As someone on the wrong side of 40s, I can fully appreciate how difficult the thought of starting over is. Maybe think about what is the most important thing in the world to you. Is it having a child? Having a loving and supportive relationship? I know both would be great, but sometimes we don't get all we want Start chipping away at your goal and ignoring everything else. That's my take on this.

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

Anonymous wrote:Yeah all those athletes, coaches, random people that goes on tirade in the heat of the moment are abusive. What a bunch of angels we have here on dcum.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, hugs. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. As someone on the wrong side of 40s, I can fully appreciate how difficult the thought of starting over is. Maybe think about what is the most important thing in the world to you. Is it having a child? Having a loving and supportive relationship? I know both would be great, but sometimes we don't get all we want Start chipping away at your goal and ignoring everything else. That's my take on this.

The thing is, he IS loving (in his way - he tells me often that he loves me and feels so lucky to have found me) and he IS supportive (also in his way; he doesn't always know how to help me but he tries). But he's also quick-tempered and a little bit entitled in the world, and careless and kind of clueless. I often feel lonely in the relationship because he will get lost in the newspaper for hours and forget that I exist. We spent two minutes on the couch together this morning, just hugging each other and being nice, and it made such a huge difference in how I felt about everything today. (Though I still wrote this post, so...)

He's just so sensitive to being blamed for my negative feelings. I think couples therapy needs to be our next stop.

Anonymous wrote:You are concerned with OTHER PEOPLE who are OUTSIDE of your marriage. You did not state that your husband actually abuses you in any specific way. You simply said that he lost his temper because he was under pressure. You are making this into a giant issue almost like you are having some anxiety attack and spinning this incident far into the future and it is making you feel helpless.

A few thoughts.

1. When I was in college I had a period where I would feel anxiety during tests and start thinking about all the consequences of my potential failure and it lead to me not being able to focus on the now and get finished with my tests. What you describe sounds similar in nature. That is an internal problem you need to fix.

2. How old is your husband? Is he attempting to advance his career, take care of bills at home, plan for the future, start a family? The reason I ask is that many men in their early years (20's and 30's) experience an insane amount of stress about being a provider for a family and they are overwhelmed. In effect they are at about 90% of their stress threshold most of the time and small things set them off. (Not necessarily justifying... but that is the way it is) This mellows out (for most) as they (1) get accustomed to being a provider (2) get the whole situation under control (i.e. build up some savings, get some debt paid off (school loads, cars) (3) reach a point in their career where they feel they have accomplished something.

3. I personally do not think that his losing his temper necessarily makes him an abuser. I'm sure there are those on this site who will disagree (but they also feel its ok to throw water in their husbands face... but he better not lose his temper).

4. There are those who will disagree... I really believe that one way to help diffuse his outbursts is to SIDE WITH HIM not other people. It will only add more stress to him if he thinks you are judging him. He already feels pressure about how he is providing things and if you pile on about his temper that's just going to give him one more thing to be stressed about. Just show him you are on his team.

5. I really don't expect you to really get what I've just explained. I also fully expect the DCUM crowed to really blast me.

Signed.... a guy that has mellowed out a lot from my early 20s who was known for his outbursts and now is known for his calmness in adverse situations.