Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:27     Subject: Re:What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:A couple of impressions from an ex:

1. Really understand his financial commitments. A gasp went up in the courtroom when we went through the opulent lifestyle my ex had agreed to fund 50% for the kids and the life insurance requirements with the kids as sole beneficiary that are in our agreement. I know my ex, and any new kids will not be getting the lavish lifestyle he is jointly funding for mine. That's why it is in the agreement - he's big on buying things for himself.

2. This love them like your own stuff may be nice and even age appropriate depending on how young the kids are, but my kids would tell you to take a leap. They've always been clear on who Mommy is. They aren't even that nice to our nanny at times (which I correct them for). Do you think Daddy's girlfriend stands a chance? They know exactly why we got divorced even though I never bad mouthed him. Do you think your boyfriend's kids don't know he walked out on them? That is going to come home to roost with you.

3. Honestly, the only people I know who have blended families well either did it when the kids were college age or where one had no kids, the ex wasn't in the picture really, and there were no new kids.



Op, this is the reason you don't want to be dealing with an ex....
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:23     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:Op please keep in mind that most of the negative responses you've gotten are from people who a) are clearly not nor have ever been in this situation and b) don't seem to think this guy deserves any credit or happiness because his first marriage didn't make it. From those of us who have been there you have gotten cautionary advice but the general message that although sometimes hard, doable and worth it and rewarding if done well.


Thanks for this - the other comments seem to be pretty hopeless but you're right it sounds like a lot of "my friend did this..." or people with totally hostile / unstable ex's
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:21     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:For those of you that did it, are you glad you did or did the challenges become too much?


I wouldn´t do it again. Although I love my husband and he is a great person. But the stress with dealing with ex and SC is just too much.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:21     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Op please keep in mind that most of the negative responses you've gotten are from people who a) are clearly not nor have ever been in this situation and b) don't seem to think this guy deserves any credit or happiness because his first marriage didn't make it. From those of us who have been there you have gotten cautionary advice but the general message that although sometimes hard, doable and worth it and rewarding if done well.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:19     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now


I don't think 6 months is that long at all and no you really don't need to involve the kids at this point. Wait a few more months, closer to the 1 year mark.

I have seen many divorced parents who really just don't want to be single parents rush into another relationship and push to create a family again as soon as possible often believing this will make things better for the kids. It doesn't.

At this point, you should absolutely know what his visitation schedule is with the kids and be able to determine how much time he spends with them. Make sure he spends that time with his kids, focusing on his kids.

Another things to consider is that as kids get older custody arrangements may change and kids may not be so keen to do the 50/50 arrangement and may prefer to spend more of their time at one home. So how things work right now might change in a few years/
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:08     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:How is it stubborn that we wanted to see if our relationship was sturdy before meeting his kids? I know that being a step parent is hard, I don't have friends doing it, so wanted to tap into the collective experience here to know what to expect. I don't want to go in with unrealistic expectations that set it up for failure. I know my strengths and weaknesses, if we're taking the next step I want to do it eyes wide open believing we can make it work. Not unprepared and unrealistic.


Personally, I think you sound like youv'e got a good head on your shoulders. And that's half the battle.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 09:04     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
You will always be 3rd in line with getting a say about the kids. Even if you are the best parent of the 3. I have watched a friend go through this, and it's incredibly hard. Her step-son was 5 when they married. He's now a teen. They have two more kids. Because of a unstable environment with his mother (not bad enough to keep him away, but no rules, no homework, no organization, no extras) he is A MESS NOW. A MESS. He was really sweet and cute when they got married. Now he is a master at playing his parents against each other to get what he wants. His father feels bad, so gives in. My friend has been through the wringer trying to fight for this kid and at some point just threw up her hands. She was fighting both his parents and it was tough. She had two kids of her own to worry about.

Now she is watching him flail and it's hard for her. She's angry about it, but fed up with dealing with him. It's been hard on her marriage. It is not the rosy step-family she thought it would be when they got married.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:59     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
How is it stubborn that we wanted to see if our relationship was sturdy before meeting his kids? I know that being a step parent is hard, I don't have friends doing it, so wanted to tap into the collective experience here to know what to expect. I don't want to go in with unrealistic expectations that set it up for failure. I know my strengths and weaknesses, if we're taking the next step I want to do it eyes wide open believing we can make it work. Not unprepared and unrealistic.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:57     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now


Get off dcum. Dcum is very traditional in the sense that marriage must work no matter what and if it doesn't, you both are going to hell and shouldn't have a life after. I met my husband as a single mother. We dated for 3 months, introduced the child, then engaged at 6 months, married 6 months later, had three more kids together. Our family is more than what I can ask for. He treats my child very well. Make sure to be open and honest. Ask questions. It may be hard to talk about but speak about finances, your role, having more kids, etc.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:53     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:No of course he's not. I love him very much and we are a much better match for each other than our first spouses and I want to be with him. But neither of us have experienced the family aspect yet, that's why I'm trying to get a realistic picture of what that will be so I can decide if I can/want to do it


OP - You seem to be very stubborn. Marriage and parenthood requires a lot of compromise. Your boyfriend has a family that you will have to deal with for the rest of your life.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:49     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now


It is doable, of course. I just don't understand why a woman would do this to herself. Are you absolutely positively sure he is your only viable option for a family?


Honestly, OP, the biggest thing you need to figure out is what you expect in a marriage. If you don't have a clear, clear idea of this, don't bother getting more serious because it will be impossible to align your needs with the static needs of your boyfriend's children. It will be impossible, OP. Right now, it doesn't seem clear exactly what kind of marriage you want (and I read the whole long thread). Because the draw backs are obvious and well stated in the thread. Are you willing to accept these for this guy? What do YOU want in a marriage OP. Figure that out and then see if it aligns with the step parent life.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:42     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:No of course he's not. I love him very much and we are a much better match for each other than our first spouses and I want to be with him. But neither of us have experienced the family aspect yet, that's why I'm trying to get a realistic picture of what that will be so I can decide if I can/want to do it


Don't let the naysayers themselves scare you off. I'm the PP who's been married a long time and who's happy. I think the big things for ANY marriage are mental health and relationship skills. Are you both mentally healthy? Do you both have generally good self esteem? What is your arguing style? Do you both manage anger well? Do you know why your first marriage failed, and have you worked through that? Does he know why his first marriage failed, and has he worked through that? Do you both have patience? Can you both be flexible? Nobody is doing drugs. Nobody is drinking inappropriately. Both are responsible people who do well at their jobs, meet their family obligations, etc.

Those are the types of red flags to look for.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:37     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:No of course he's not. I love him very much and we are a much better match for each other than our first spouses and I want to be with him. But neither of us have experienced the family aspect yet, that's why I'm trying to get a realistic picture of what that will be so I can decide if I can/want to do it

Well, imagine instantaneously having to like and financially support two children. They are not related to you, and they are not likely to be fond of you. They are about to hit their pre-teen years. They are expensive and generally a pain in your behind. It takes a big heart to accept this reality, and few women are capable of this. If you have your own children, you will probably be resentful that they will have to share their father's finite time, energy, and money.

I could probably see it if you had two of your own already. But becoming a mom of two overnight is not for most. I know women do this, but it's a long tough road.
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:31     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
No of course he's not. I love him very much and we are a much better match for each other than our first spouses and I want to be with him. But neither of us have experienced the family aspect yet, that's why I'm trying to get a realistic picture of what that will be so I can decide if I can/want to do it
Anonymous
Post 03/30/2016 08:24     Subject: What do I need to know about marrying a man with an ex and shared custody of kids?
Anonymous wrote:Op here - I don't agree he's not willing to work on it, they did for a long time but the "work" didn't work

Kids are 8 and 6

We have been dating 6 mo, not ready to move in or anything, but serious enough to start spending time with his kids and move beyond compartmentalized dating. Don't want to take that step though if long term marriage doesn't seem doable which is why I'm asking the question now


It is doable, of course. I just don't understand why a woman would do this to herself. Are you absolutely positively sure he is your only viable option for a family?