Anonymous wrote:Are you a single mom? Where's the DH/father of your kid in all this? Doesn't he help out?

My mom gives me crap all the time, too. It's never good enough. I keep my conversations with her to a bare minimum. I never share anything negative because I know it will end up with something that I did or didn't do.

I'm a single mom and this poster beat me to it. This is my life but I am okay with it b/c there is no dad in the picture. He lives halfway across the country. There is no reason you need to feel this way with a DH (and an extra income) in the picture.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't heard her being "resistant" to people's suggestions. At worst, she hasn't responded much at all.

I'm the PP who went through something similar myself - I don't think it has to be labeled depression. Really it's more likely difficulty adjusting to a new life stage, which is totally common.

Who wouldn't be burnt out if your DH wasn't around to help, you worked full time and didn't really have much of a plan to help you manage "the stuff of life" for a whole family all by yourself?

It's really just a matter of making some changes and getting more/better help.

Yup. My kids are in the low double digits, my husband is an equal partner, and even I feel burnt out occasionally.

I haven't heard her being "resistant" to people's suggestions. At worst, she hasn't responded much at all.

I'm the PP who went through something similar myself - I don't think it has to be labeled depression. Really it's more likely difficulty adjusting to a new life stage, which is totally common.

Who wouldn't be burnt out if your DH wasn't around to help, you worked full time and didn't really have much of a plan to help you manage "the stuff of life" for a whole family all by yourself?

It's really just a matter of making some changes and getting more/better help.

Anonymous wrote:So Op tele works + her 1 kid goes to daycare....what's the problem?

She can't do errands during the day? Doesn't know how to engage with her kid outside of daycare?

Her problem is that she has zero flexibility in her schedule and apparently no partner to help in the evenings or turn their child over to so she can go to urgent care or something. She's burnt out and doesn't want to take her daughter shopping after a long day at daycare.

I get it, but this is depression making her resistant to the obvious "fixes" (more childcare, more outsourcing, more DH involvement).

So Op tele works + her 1 kid goes to daycare....what's the problem?

She can't do errands during the day? Doesn't know how to engage with her kid outside of daycare?

Anonymous wrote:

This is a problem with teleworking - everyone thinks you can just pick up and leave when you want. That's not how it works for me, my hours are set, 8-5. Daycare is open a half hour on either side of that time.

DH is not around.

OP, I telework a lot. The benefit of telework is that you don't commute. So that gives you however many extra hours per day that you're not spending commuting.

If your husband is not part of your and your child's daily life, then I agree with the PP that you need a childcare with more extended hours, because you need even more flexibility. Also, do you have a lunch hour? What can you do during that time?

Also, what is your financial situation? How much can you afford to pay other people to do household tasks?

Just FYI - I agree about the daycare. You need more flexibility.

My daycare opens at 7:30 am and closes at 6:30 pm. It allows me to run errands on the way to pick up our DS from daycare after work.

Changing your daycare situation would make a big difference for you...

OP:

I work full time (out of the home, though I do work from home on occasion) and have a 3 year old. I know exactly what you're dealing with. I went through a similar completely overwhelmed phase.

A couple things:

1) I made a list of all the things that were on my plate (groceries, laundry, appointment making, cooking dinner, etc.) the list was endless. Then next to it I made a list of what my husband was responsible for (basically going to work and taking the trash cans down to the curb one a week. I showed this list to my husband - the visual helps in having a conversation like this - and asked him how we could even out the responsibilities because I was losing my mind. Once he saw how egregious the inequity was, he stepped up to take on more. Now if I cook, he cleans up. I assign him appointments that need to be made and he's now in charge of booking home maintenance work with the handyman or other professionals. He also finally split daycare dropoff/pick-up with me too - which was crazy that we weren't doing this before.

2) Outsource the hell out of things right now. I leaned on Instacart/Peapod....I also filled my freezer with prepped and ready meals from EverSpoon for nights when I didn't have it together and got a farm share delivery. I found a service that picks up/drops off dry cleaning - I just needed to leave the bag on the porch, I don't shop in stores much anymore - Amazon is my savior. I also asked my cleaning lady if she would do the laundry for some extra money on the day that she came, It's time to let yourself get the help you need. It's ok to outsource.

3) Plan some time for YOU. Whether it's every Saturday morning your husband takes your DC somewhere so you can sleep, read, go get a mani/pedi or have brunch with a friend - schedule some time for you. It also helps to schedule some time for you and your husband - get a deck of sitters lined up so you have them in your pocket. Use them to take a girls night out with some friends too. You need some things to look forward to.

Anyway - I hope that some of this helps. Things have gotten better for me since I've given myself permission to ask for and demand help. I've been there and totally empathize with trying to keep all the balls in the air and having others give you grief telling you it should be easy. They are full of shit, it's not easy. Be kind to yourself and tune them out. Do what you have to do to have some peace of mind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP says her child is in daycare. OP's situation is that she is depressed (and maybe has other things going on like a too-inflexible job, or an unsupportive husband.) We also know that OP's mom is a jerk.

OP, if I knew you I would totally take you out for a glass of wine!

Yes. OP, my advice is:

1. Consider whether you are depressed.
2. If you have a partner, talk to your partner about how to solve the problems TOGETHER. The child is not your (singular) child. The child is your (both of you's) child. BOTH of you are EQUALLY responsible for the care of the child, as well as for the maintenance of the household. If your partner says, "The way to solve your problem is for you to quit your job" -- well, I hope that your partner doesn't say that.
3. Stop talking to your mother.

I've posted on this thread before wondering about childcare and your DH. Now that those questions have been answered, I agree with the PP of this reply. OP, daycare is usually a 12 hour day. Granted, most of us hustle to and fro to ensure that our children don't have to stay there all 12 hours. But since you telework (i.e. no commute), we can only assume that you can take a couple of hours - before or after work - to get to a doctor and get back in time to pick up DC from daycare. Like a SAHM PP mentioned, you actually have MORE options than a SAHM because you have childcare already in place and paid for.

Those who are bringing up depression have a good point. With one child, a plan between you and DH should be easily worked out and executed. Quit worrying about your mother and start thinking of things YOU can do to make your life easier. Leaving DC at daycare one extra hour a day so you can run errands might be part of the new plan. Asking DH to commit to Saturday mornings at the park with DC so you can grocery shop and run errands may be another part. You simply have to do what the rest of us on life's treadmill have to do. It's not always fun, easy, or cheery, but when you are organized and purposeful, you'll have more time to yourself to relax.

Finally, is DC on a set bedtime? That will greatly free up your evening time.

This is a problem with teleworking - everyone thinks you can just pick up and leave when you want. That's not how it works for me, my hours are set, 8-5. Daycare is open a half hour on either side of that time.

DH is not around.

OP, you're responding to me and I also telework 95% of the time. Believe me, I get it. You need to find new childcare. Honestly. I drop my kids off at 7:30 (I also start work at 8), get home, work until 5 -- THEN I take one extra hour, twice a week - to run to the grocery store, workout, go to dr., whatever I need -- and I pick my kids up at 6 those evenings. No biggie.

Also, you likely have sick leave. Use it! Honestly, OP, things aren't going to change if you think you're special and deserve some sort of extra sympathy. We are all working our asses off to get through.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP says her child is in daycare. OP's situation is that she is depressed (and maybe has other things going on like a too-inflexible job, or an unsupportive husband.) We also know that OP's mom is a jerk.

OP, if I knew you I would totally take you out for a glass of wine!

Yes. OP, my advice is:

1. Consider whether you are depressed.
2. If you have a partner, talk to your partner about how to solve the problems TOGETHER. The child is not your (singular) child. The child is your (both of you's) child. BOTH of you are EQUALLY responsible for the care of the child, as well as for the maintenance of the household. If your partner says, "The way to solve your problem is for you to quit your job" -- well, I hope that your partner doesn't say that.
3. Stop talking to your mother.

I've posted on this thread before wondering about childcare and your DH. Now that those questions have been answered, I agree with the PP of this reply. OP, daycare is usually a 12 hour day. Granted, most of us hustle to and fro to ensure that our children don't have to stay there all 12 hours. But since you telework (i.e. no commute), we can only assume that you can take a couple of hours - before or after work - to get to a doctor and get back in time to pick up DC from daycare. Like a SAHM PP mentioned, you actually have MORE options than a SAHM because you have childcare already in place and paid for.

Those who are bringing up depression have a good point. With one child, a plan between you and DH should be easily worked out and executed. Quit worrying about your mother and start thinking of things YOU can do to make your life easier. Leaving DC at daycare one extra hour a day so you can run errands might be part of the new plan. Asking DH to commit to Saturday mornings at the park with DC so you can grocery shop and run errands may be another part. You simply have to do what the rest of us on life's treadmill have to do. It's not always fun, easy, or cheery, but when you are organized and purposeful, you'll have more time to yourself to relax.

Finally, is DC on a set bedtime? That will greatly free up your evening time.

This is a problem with teleworking - everyone thinks you can just pick up and leave when you want. That's not how it works for me, my hours are set, 8-5. Daycare is open a half hour on either side of that time.

DH is not around.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP says her child is in daycare. OP's situation is that she is depressed (and maybe has other things going on like a too-inflexible job, or an unsupportive husband.) We also know that OP's mom is a jerk.

OP, if I knew you I would totally take you out for a glass of wine!

Yes. OP, my advice is:

1. Consider whether you are depressed.
2. If you have a partner, talk to your partner about how to solve the problems TOGETHER. The child is not your (singular) child. The child is your (both of you's) child. BOTH of you are EQUALLY responsible for the care of the child, as well as for the maintenance of the household. If your partner says, "The way to solve your problem is for you to quit your job" -- well, I hope that your partner doesn't say that.
3. Stop talking to your mother.

I've posted on this thread before wondering about childcare and your DH. Now that those questions have been answered, I agree with the PP of this reply. OP, daycare is usually a 12 hour day. Granted, most of us hustle to and fro to ensure that our children don't have to stay there all 12 hours. But since you telework (i.e. no commute), we can only assume that you can take a couple of hours - before or after work - to get to a doctor and get back in time to pick up DC from daycare. Like a SAHM PP mentioned, you actually have MORE options than a SAHM because you have childcare already in place and paid for.

Those who are bringing up depression have a good point. With one child, a plan between you and DH should be easily worked out and executed. Quit worrying about your mother and start thinking of things YOU can do to make your life easier. Leaving DC at daycare one extra hour a day so you can run errands might be part of the new plan. Asking DH to commit to Saturday mornings at the park with DC so you can grocery shop and run errands may be another part. You simply have to do what the rest of us on life's treadmill have to do. It's not always fun, easy, or cheery, but when you are organized and purposeful, you'll have more time to yourself to relax.

Finally, is DC on a set bedtime? That will greatly free up your evening time.

Anonymous wrote:You say "working makes you sane" but you don't sound 100% okay babe. insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results.

Different results. "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”.

Anonymous wrote:

OP says her child is in daycare. OP's situation is that she is depressed (and maybe has other things going on like a too-inflexible job, or an unsupportive husband.) We also know that OP's mom is a jerk.

OP, if I knew you I would totally take you out for a glass of wine!

Yes. OP, my advice is:

1. Consider whether you are depressed.
2. If you have a partner, talk to your partner about how to solve the problems TOGETHER. The child is not your (singular) child. The child is your (both of you's) child. BOTH of you are EQUALLY responsible for the care of the child, as well as for the maintenance of the household. If your partner says, "The way to solve your problem is for you to quit your job" -- well, I hope that your partner doesn't say that.
3. Stop talking to your mother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you telework some, or reduce your hours slightly? I work 35 hours a week and telework one day a week, and it really helps.

I telework about 90% but it doesn't help with the errands I just can't get done. For example, I've been sick on and off for two weeks but DC was too and got the doctor visit. I haven't been able to squeeze one in for me.

I can't reduce my hours.

This is your problem. Put your kid in day care. He'll be fine. Go into work and get some rest.

The kid should be in full-time care, regardless of whether OP teleworks. The argument should be that teleworking is actually more relaxing, since it spares her a commute.

This. Are you trying to work without childcare? Or only childcare for the exact number of hours you are on the computer working?

OP, like a lot of people, I'd like more details: do you have a partner? child care? is money super tight so you can't outsource more?

ding ding ding. this is the only explanation where this setup is very stressful. OP denies it, but who would admit it?

OP says her child is in daycare. OP's situation is that she is depressed (and maybe has other things going on like a too-inflexible job, or an unsupportive husband.) We also know that OP's mom is a jerk.

OP, if I knew you I would totally take you out for a glass of wine!

Hi OP!! First off, I really think you are depressed. PLEASE make an appointment with a reputable cognitive-behavioral therapist. If you are in DC I recommend the Capitol Institute for Cognitive Therapy. Even if you have to take a loan from your 401K it's worth it to commit to 12 sessions. You will see change, you really will.

If you can't do that, I recommend the book Beat the Blues by Robert Leahy. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401921698?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_

The chapter on motivation is really good in that book. The author goes a bit overboard about it (I mean, if all it took to not be depressed was to decide to be a go-getter, then none of us would be depressed ...) But his central point about getting things done while depressed is that the hallmark of depression is that you don't want to do anything. So, you basically have to ignore that feeling of not wanting to do anything, and just do things.

Second, I also want you to know that 2 was very difficult for me too. Although the newborn and infant stage was really hard, there was a kind of adrenaline and novelty that helps you through. But somewhere around 2, the adrenaline wore off, or maybe the exhaustion just caught up with me. 2 is also the age where they stop being cute babies that are easy to soothe and you can stick in a stroller and basically ignore for an hour if you just need to take a long walk, and start being toddlers that you can't ignore for a second! So I think that reading up on toddler parenting might also be something that helps you adjust to this new phase.

Third, your job. It's hard to tell, but maybe the 90% telework thing isn't working for you. If your job is not flexible enough for you to take an hour off to get to the doctor, then you might think about making changes. I really don't think staying at home is your solution here, though.

Fourth, housecleaners. We moved to weekly housecleaning and it made a huge difference! Now I can basically always have the house looking nice by just doing a 15 minute tidying cleanup in the evenings.