You don't have a BIL/SIL problem, you have a DH problem. Work on that first.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the useful advice. I guess part of the problem is that DH's family is very patriarchal and since BIL is the oldest son, no one is allowed or bothers to ever say anything. The middle brother is a bit more fiesty and on occasion has said "hey not cool for making is wait" but it falls on deaf ears.

The huge problem is when there's an even (religious or otherwise) and we can't start until they arrive. They were 2 hours late for my older kids religious ritual (our version of a baptism) and we couldn't start without them. And my child was only 4 weeks at the time. We all sat there and waited - all dressed up (including the baby) and had a house full of guests. Not to mention lunch was served incredibly late.

It's very frustrating and I'm labeled as the difficult one if I mention anything to my DH or inlaws. But they are sure to be on time for their kids' performances and recitals. That I cannot understand.

You are allowed to say whatever you want. You can start without them. You and your husband choose not to because you are afraid of the blowback. I would have started the event. I would have said, "Well, they aren't here, but we can't keep the officiant waiting and the food is going to get cold." Let them protest and bitch and moan. You can either deal with the chronic lateness in a way that avoid inconveniencing everyone else and minimizes your resentment, or you can avoid making anyone upset with you. You can't do both.

And when it's not an event, just act the way you would if they had not been invited at all. I have an aunt who is chronically late to things, including every holiday meal and my wedding. We just start everything without her. If she shows up to Thanksgiving dinner three hours late without any advance notice, we've already eaten.

And your in-laws are on time for other stuff because there are consequences if there are not that are more serious than people being annoyed with them.

Anonymous wrote:Go out for dinner. If/when you get the pissy phone call from your ILs, play innocent. "Oh, we said 4pm, and when you weren't there by 6 I thought you forgot or made other plans! Sooooooo sorry. Next time we'll communicate better!"

Repeat every time.

OP's DH isn't going to go for this. OP needs to fly solo. But also, OP needs to understand that this is never going to change. Getting angry about it is like getting mad about traffic to the beach on a summer weekend.

Go out for dinner. If/when you get the pissy phone call from your ILs, play innocent. "Oh, we said 4pm, and when you weren't there by 6 I thought you forgot or made other plans! Sooooooo sorry. Next time we'll communicate better!"

Repeat every time.

Are you Indian, OP? Unfortunately the chronic lateness is typical of some Indians, and they don't even think it is particularly out of the norm. Given the patriarchal tilt in your family, where nobody can question the first born son, you might need to give these people an earlier start time (by at least 2 hours), so that you and your other guests are not put out.
Sorry you are experiencing this--it can be so frustrating!

I would've gone out to dinner after you sent the text that wasn't responded to.

Anonymous wrote:
It's very frustrating and I'm labeled as the difficult one if I mention anything to my DH or inlaws. But they are sure to be on time for their kids' performances and recitals. That I cannot understand.

They're on time because they have to be -- no one is going to hold up the performance until your BIL and SIL get there. I'm betting your BIL and SIL don't miss planes, either.

I don't understand how you can hold up a religious ceremony, even one at home. Was it not performed by some sort of clergy member? Did he (I'm betting, with a patriarchal family, that it's a he) not have to leave at some point?

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for the useful advice. I guess part of the problem is that DH's family is very patriarchal and since BIL is the oldest son, no one is allowed or bothers to ever say anything. The middle brother is a bit more fiesty and on occasion has said "hey not cool for making is wait" but it falls on deaf ears.

The huge problem is when there's an even (religious or otherwise) and we can't start until they arrive. They were 2 hours late for my older kids religious ritual (our version of a baptism) and we couldn't start without them. And my child was only 4 weeks at the time. We all sat there and waited - all dressed up (including the baby) and had a house full of guests. Not to mention lunch was served incredibly late.

It's very frustrating and I'm labeled as the difficult one if I mention anything to my DH or inlaws. But they are sure to be on time for their kids' performances and recitals. That I cannot understand.

OH HELLLL NO!! How can you stand to be a part of this family?!

Thanks for the useful advice. I guess part of the problem is that DH's family is very patriarchal and since BIL is the oldest son, no one is allowed or bothers to ever say anything. The middle brother is a bit more fiesty and on occasion has said "hey not cool for making is wait" but it falls on deaf ears.

The huge problem is when there's an even (religious or otherwise) and we can't start until they arrive. They were 2 hours late for my older kids religious ritual (our version of a baptism) and we couldn't start without them. And my child was only 4 weeks at the time. We all sat there and waited - all dressed up (including the baby) and had a house full of guests. Not to mention lunch was served incredibly late.

It's very frustrating and I'm labeled as the difficult one if I mention anything to my DH or inlaws. But they are sure to be on time for their kids' performances and recitals. That I cannot understand.

Anonymous wrote:Keeping people from being mad should never be the goal when someone has not carried through on a commitment. Any scenario.

I don't think anyone has said that the goal is to keep the inconsiderate relatives from getting upset. The goal is to keep OP from getting upset. Walking that fine line between letting the relatives deal with the consequences (I.e. You weren't here when we started dinner so we ate) and purposely being petty/vindictive like not answering the door while home. I have that conversation with my kids all the time ...we give the analogy how the 2nd player gets called for the foul even when the other person started it. There are lots of life situations where you have to stand up for yourself but you have to figure out how to do it in a way that doesn't cause you more problems. One component of that is getting control of your own anger first.

Everyone has been saying if the source of anger is being trapped for hours waiting ...don't sit there and wait and go about your business! I realized the source of my anger was SIL was that she expects everyone to jump to her command and I was going along with it. Once I made the decision that I wasn't going to say how high and only go along when convenient for me to do it I took away her power to rile me up.

Anonymous wrote:DH's oldest brother and sister in law are always late. Like really late. They never call to say they are running late nor do they ever apologize. DH and his parents just roll with it but I find it incredibly rude. We have a newborn and they were supposed to come visit us at 4pm. It is now 5:50pm and no sign of them nor any call to tell us their ETA. Fine I don't have any where to be or anything planned but I could have napped or done a number of other things I the time I've wasted waiting for them. Not to mention now, they will be here at dinner time. I'm at a loss as to what I can do or say in this situation but I am floored that anyone thinks this is ok. Thoughts?

OP, I have not read all the posts. Here is what I do. My brother is late to everything. He told us outright that his time is much more valuable than ours and he will show up when he feels like it (yes, he has issues). Anyway, we NEVER wait for him. He can be from 1-4 hours late. We eat when we planned. If he is coming over (and it's rare because I don't have much to do with him due to his attitude) and we need to be somewhere else, we just go out our day. Sometimes he shows up to an empty house (he knew we needed to be somewhere, but doesn't care and expects us to wait for him). We have packed him meals up and sent him home in the past as well. My BIL also does this. We treat it the same way (although his issue is around leaving work in enough time to be someplace for dinner). Life is to short. People are assholes. They get what they deserve.