Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 21:16     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:How to prevent him from stoping by your office:


Answer any work related questions but do not engage in any conversations other than work (do not ask him questions)
Do not discuss your personal life
Don't smile
If he wants to chit chat other than work -
Answer with a lot of the following responses "yeah"
"wow" "ok". Repeat.
check the time
tell him your busy

Ask him directly, "you stop by a lot. Can I help you?"


I had a guy like this at work once. It was awful. It was a combo of crush and creepy personality (the staring and not picking up on cues is the creep part). This guy eventually talked to the owner and main office manager (very small company ) about his concerns that I was a deeply depressed person. When in reality, I couldn't stand the guy so to try to get rid of him I behaved just like pp suggests. One word answers, no eye contact, no smiling, unfriendly facade. This guy just could not catch a clue. OMG it was nearly unbearable. Right before I decided to ask the boss if he could somehow separate us, the creepy guy and the boss gad a big loud yelling blowout, and he was fired. Thank god.

Just sharing my experience. Guys like this are so beyond "workplace crush."
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 11:25     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is he of a different culture OP?


Yes, he is but has lived in the US for several years now. Married with two kids although his wife lives in another part of the country and hasn't moved here because they want to wait till they finish the school year.


Is it PC to try to guess? I say Indian!


Very close! not Indian but another country close to it. Why did you guess Indian?


I guess Arab. Saudi Arabian?

People from that country (or really any Gulf states) don't work in fed contracting jobs. If they qualify for those types of jobs they would work for Gulf state companies and make much more money.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 10:32     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you just tell him not t come to your office?
"Al, starting today I have decided that I don't want any visits to my office. It's distracting to my work.
I need you to email or instant message if you think you need my assistance"

This will do a couple things:
1. A paper trail if he starts to ramp up the unnecessary emails, so you can document and show a superior that Al is writing you 4x/day and has nothing to do with work, and can frame it as him needing redirection on who to go to for help and your workload, unnecessary work answering his questions since you say he doesn't need you
2. If he does come by in spite of this you can say "email Al" while not even looking up or say "email Al" while you walk away
3. You can answer briefly if for some reason it is a legitimate work related request

Additionally, I think it will give your complaints more clout when you can say "here are 5 emails in one day that shouldn't have been written. I'm concerned not only because I am not involved in his work and these are unnecessary and distracting/time consuming, but that they point to some sort of inappropriate behavior from him to me personal when I notice him staring at me all the time."
And then you can go into the staring, stopping by your office
when you told him not to, all that


I wasn't going to tell him off directly but after reading all this advice and thinking it through, that seems to be the best course of action.


+1 I agree with this approach - it is great. I also like the idea of saying "Yes?" or "You're staring at me, is something wrong?" or "You're staring at me, you look like there is something you want to say." when he stares at you in meetings. You can say that with an aggressive tone of voice, or a professional "I'm just trying to make sure you understand what I'm saying" tone of voice, whichever feels right at the time. That way everyone is a witness to the staring as well.

Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 09:07     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
When he stops by your office ask him Why do you always ask stupid questions?
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 08:23     Subject: Re:How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would confront him and tell him to stop staring.

Don't smile, don't say it in a friendly tone, be firm and let him know it's not okay.





I agree with this. My family is from the same part of the world. Being passive and indirect will only enable the behavior, unfortunately.

But I'll be honest, I don't know how to phrase a response.


Stare back when you find him staring at you, with a decidedly unfriendly look on your face. After the meeting, stop him in the hall and say him, "I noticed you were staring at me. Is there a problem? No? Then stop." Aggressive and direct is the way to go here, in every interaction with him. Do not allow him to intimidate you in any way. When he stops by your office with a question, do not smile, chat, or be welcoming in any way. Ask him directly what he wants, answer his question as tersely as possible, then turn away.
Anonymous
Post 03/07/2016 08:03     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is he of a different culture OP?


Yes, he is but has lived in the US for several years now. Married with two kids although his wife lives in another part of the country and hasn't moved here because they want to wait till they finish the school year.


Is it PC to try to guess? I say Indian!


Very close! not Indian but another country close to it. Why did you guess Indian?


I guess Arab. Saudi Arabian?
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 21:21     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:would you feel comfortable saying something like -

Hey Joe, do I have smutz on my face? You've been staring at me all morning!
-or-
Hey Joe, maybe you should have your eyes checked out. One NY cousins used to have that same blank stare that he just couldn't shake and it turns out he had a lazy eye, poor thing! Well, it's all worked out now that he has glasses. Maybe you'd benefit from a check up too. I can recommend a great optomologist if you need a name.


How about.. Do you want my picture?
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 20:13     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
OP, I am a supervisor in a small federal agency, and I would want you to tell me that you are not comfortable with the amount of attention he is paying to you.

Among my first questions would be to ask whether you find his office visits annoying or harassment. Either way, I would take steps to reduce his visits.

I would also watch him during meetings. If he was indeed staring, I would address that as well.

The fact that he is a contractor makes it easier, because I could simply have him replaced.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 18:30     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
OP here: much useful advice here, thanks.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 15:09     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Why is this a conversation?

Women are such chicken shits. And yes, I'm one. Tell him to stop and move on.

This entire thread makes women look like dumb asses without a clue.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 14:58     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:You must be looking at him a lot to see him looking at you...


Not OP, but you must have never had anyone stare at you before. OP I feel you, I had a guy at work that use to stare at me all the time. It was creepy and uncomfortable. Every time I would need to scan the room to look for something/someone, I would make eye contact because he was always staring at me. Same thing at a conference with 10 people. I needed to look around the room, it is hard to just keep your eyes in one place, but he was always staring. I ended up telling a few co workers and they all noticed once I told them. If I was eating lunch in the lunch room he would always sit at my table, even though there were plenty of spaces at the other tables. The guy was transferred after 2 months thank goodness.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 13:05     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Take him aside and say, "I've noticed you looking at me quite a bit in meetings. What's up with that? It makes me uncomfortable and I would prefer if you would stop it. Thanks." Then, if he doesn't stop, escalate it to HR or your manager.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 12:58     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
I agree with the Pp who suggested saying "what?" every time, or just point blank ask him - why are you staring at me?

And whatever he mumbles in response, say "well, I'm asking you to stop and I won't ask twice."
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 12:48     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
would you feel comfortable saying something like -

Hey Joe, do I have smutz on my face? You've been staring at me all morning!
-or-
Hey Joe, maybe you should have your eyes checked out. One NY cousins used to have that same blank stare that he just couldn't shake and it turns out he had a lazy eye, poor thing! Well, it's all worked out now that he has glasses. Maybe you'd benefit from a check up too. I can recommend a great optomologist if you need a name.
Anonymous
Post 03/06/2016 09:30     Subject: How to deal with a creepy colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Knowing this culture, the guy doesn't mean you any harm but he is also completely clueless that he's being so obvious, and you need to match his level of un-subtlety to get through to him. Before escalating and complaining to others, the next time he stops by, tell him in a straightforward and neutral-bordering-on-cold tone that you've noticed how much he stares at you and his excessive visits and they are inappropriate and make you uncomfortable, but you wanted to let him know directly rather than complain and have a superior tell him. He should feel sufficiently embarrassed to stop.


+1


You should absolutely do this! Been there, done that.

And I will add that it may not be because of that culture - I used to be in grad school with a lot of nerdy guys from all over Asia, and the Indians and Pakistanis were charming and perfectly polite.

Anyway, my point is that this is probably a social communication disorder, instead of a cultural thing. Plenty of nerdy guys don't quite know how to control verbal and non-verbal cues, even though they understand how it works in theory. Simply put, some have them have Asperger's tendencies. My clueless super-geeky research scientist husband has had a few crushes on female co-workers at his workplace: I see it because he talks about them a lot when he first meets them, then after a few weeks, he stops talking about them. Nobody has ever had to be direct (I know the women he works with), like you will probably have to do. But they probably become a lot more busy when he's around, until he stops trying to have extra conversations with them.

That type of person will not be offended by your directness - because direct is the only communication they can understand easily. What confuses them is the convoluted diplomatic-speak we all use in public.