Anonymous wrote:The information, accurate or not, is being shared with the victim's in-laws (his sister-in-law). If OP is as close to her sister as she says she is, the sister will want to know if this information is being circulated. Tell your sister, OP.

Why do you think your position trumps that of those who have lived through abuse?

Anonymous wrote:The information, accurate or not, is being shared with the victim's in-laws (his sister-in-law). If OP is as close to her sister as she says she is, the sister will want to know if this information is being circulated. Tell your sister, OP.

If it was me (and I was abused), I would be pissed as hell that my sister was gossiping with a random stranger about my spouse instead of shutting the conversation down at the first word. Op is just as much to blame for the gossip as the random stranger. A person cannot gossip if there isn't anyone to listen. Op you suck.

The information, accurate or not, is being shared with the victim's in-laws (his sister-in-law). If OP is as close to her sister as she says she is, the sister will want to know if this information is being circulated. Tell your sister, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sort of know my husband was not given the best environment as a kid, and every now and then he lets slip a glimpse of exactly how bad it was. It is the one thing I know that he struggles with and I don't ask him about it, even though I know there is more to the story than he has ever said. I am trying to imagine if someone came up to me with something similar to what OP has been told. No, ,I don't think I need to know it and I think for me (and definitely my husband) it would be sort of humiliating to think that people are gossiping about it.

Exactly. But selfish op doesn't give a shit. She adores the opportunity to engage in gossip by some unknown individual.

Honestly, different strokes.. I am with OP, I cannot even imagine feeling that something in my partner's life was a tough experience and not gently branching out to him and help him talk about it. My DH had an awful stepdad for a few years. Like most men he looked like he didn't "want to talk about it". But when approached the right way he did, he talked, and talked. And I can see the bottled resentment coming out, and the knots in his body opening. My goodness, he is so much happier when he doesn't have to hide that part of his history and hear me say "yes that guy was awful, those 3 years were horrible and you are right to still be pissed off about it".

I can't imagine letting that kind of story hide under the rug and fester some nasty resentment.. Have you guys ever heard about talk therapy? Are you still living in Victorian England?

But his SIL won't be giving him talk therapy. He has to be ready and do it on his own terms.

Perhaps he has already gone to therapy and "come to terms" with the past abuse. I am an abuse survivor. I have had therapy. My in laws do not know my past. It isn't any of their business. I chose not to make my life about having been a victim. Too often when people find out it changes their perceptions of you. I am very selective of who I tell and how much I tell. I am a survivor not a victim. My life story is mine alone to share or not to share. Op is preparing to victimize this man once again by gossiping about things for which he had no control and got which she gas heard second hand. People like her love a good story--the more awful the better. She is entirely too smug and gleeful to have a juicy story to tell. This says a lot about her character or lack thereof. In this thread, post after post by survivors have said she should keep her mouth shut and yet she and those who have never lived through abuse think they know what is best. The egotism is unbelievable.

The OP is making the assumption her sister doesn't know. The sister may be very aware but does not share this information as it was shared in the privacy of a marriage.

The OP should not share this information with her sister. It's not her info to share nor does she even know if it's true. It's hearsay.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sort of know my husband was not given the best environment as a kid, and every now and then he lets slip a glimpse of exactly how bad it was. It is the one thing I know that he struggles with and I don't ask him about it, even though I know there is more to the story than he has ever said. I am trying to imagine if someone came up to me with something similar to what OP has been told. No, ,I don't think I need to know it and I think for me (and definitely my husband) it would be sort of humiliating to think that people are gossiping about it.

Exactly. But selfish op doesn't give a shit. She adores the opportunity to engage in gossip by some unknown individual.

Honestly, different strokes.. I am with OP, I cannot even imagine feeling that something in my partner's life was a tough experience and not gently branching out to him and help him talk about it. My DH had an awful stepdad for a few years. Like most men he looked like he didn't "want to talk about it". But when approached the right way he did, he talked, and talked. And I can see the bottled resentment coming out, and the knots in his body opening. My goodness, he is so much happier when he doesn't have to hide that part of his history and hear me say "yes that guy was awful, those 3 years were horrible and you are right to still be pissed off about it".

I can't imagine letting that kind of story hide under the rug and fester some nasty resentment.. Have you guys ever heard about talk therapy? Are you still living in Victorian England?

But his SIL won't be giving him talk therapy. He has to be ready and do it on his own terms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sort of know my husband was not given the best environment as a kid, and every now and then he lets slip a glimpse of exactly how bad it was. It is the one thing I know that he struggles with and I don't ask him about it, even though I know there is more to the story than he has ever said. I am trying to imagine if someone came up to me with something similar to what OP has been told. No, ,I don't think I need to know it and I think for me (and definitely my husband) it would be sort of humiliating to think that people are gossiping about it.

Exactly. But selfish op doesn't give a shit. She adores the opportunity to engage in gossip by some unknown individual.

Honestly, different strokes.. I am with OP, I cannot even imagine feeling that something in my partner's life was a tough experience and not gently branching out to him and help him talk about it. My DH had an awful stepdad for a few years. Like most men he looked like he didn't "want to talk about it". But when approached the right way he did, he talked, and talked. And I can see the bottled resentment coming out, and the knots in his body opening. My goodness, he is so much happier when he doesn't have to hide that part of his history and hear me say "yes that guy was awful, those 3 years were horrible and you are right to still be pissed off about it".

I can't imagine letting that kind of story hide under the rug and fester some nasty resentment.. Have you guys ever heard about talk therapy? Are you still living in Victorian England?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would mention it to my sister. But OP, your sister probably knows already.

+1 If you two are as close as you say you are, your sister might feel relieved to finally be able to discuss it with you.

+ 1 not sure why other posters are so harsh on you OP. I fully understand you and probably come from the same type of family as you, where expressing concern and interest in someone's story is not "being nosy" or "jealous" or "bitchy" (??). Now I would be very causcious and gentle discussing it with my sister. And as some survivor of abuse said, he would probably hate to know where the info comes from and hate to know you know

This can't be real and if it is I don't see the point of the whole thread. OP is basically saying she found out information that she's going to share. Okay, OP, share your gossip. Why bother asking for advice?

What makes you say he was beaten and abused as opposed to someone who got the occasional spanking on the bare tush?

You have given no details that would lead one to believe one version over the other?

Anonymous wrote:OP are you a teen?

That's what it sounds like, bored to tears.

OP are you a teen?

Spouse of abuse survivor here. I had known that my in laws had used corporal punishment and werent typical in their emotional climate. Just making it through the wedding planning taught me that.

After we were married I started to hear more isolated but disturbing anecdotes about childhood- usually in the context of comparing to my own fairly typical experience where there was yelling and minimal spanking.

But then I visited with my husbands aunts/ uncles and they filled me in on some truly horrific background. This was shared in the context of "thank god spouse has made a life for himself/ so glad to have you loving him" sort of conversation.

It made so many things make sense. My spouse isn't one for therapy, but when I brought this up, a lot more was shared. There had been fear I would blame my spouse for what had happened and all sorts of other stuff. We had learned that we needed to manage some topics differently and more sensitively due to our experiences.

We sort of set it aside until we had children, and that is when we really had to start processing things again. It is hard (not impossible) to parent well in the absence of positive role models. And it brought up a lot of stuff for spouse when he realized how impossible it would be for him to treat our children the way he was treated.

However, he has also come to terms with some of the likely mental illness that was driving the abuse in his parents. And after quite a few years has been able to move closer to acceptance.

This is really messy stuff. I would definitely have questions about the motives of the neighbor, but that is a weird thing to make up. My spouse's family was a really fundamentalist Christian group who always put on a facade in public. Which has the added issue of making it hard for him to join a faith community because he confided in his pastor who did nothing to help.

But I would want to know- especially if there are kids involved. I would probably couch it as- I ran into an old neighbor and she shared something with me I thought you should know so that you can tell your DH. He at the minimum needs to know people are sharing this story about him so that he isn't surprised if others have heard it.

I hope that your BIL has done the hard work of therapy, and his parents have too, and they've restored their family. I guess it could happen. But especially if there are children involved I would share.

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not your news to share. Even if it is true, it is your BIL's life experience, and wholly up to him to decide whom to share it with and how. He was a victim, not a perpetrator, and you have not provided any reason whatsoever to conclude that he has or would do anything wrong. And you haven't said anything indicating your sister or BIL has bad judgment. So, if he has chosen not to tell her about horrible life experiences, or if she as his wife has chosen not to violate his trust by telling you, follow their lead. This is absolutely none of your business. In any event, I'd never choose to tell someone like you a private matter as it seems you wear as a badge of honor that you don't respect privacy, but rather feel it is your duty to decide what is best for everyone else based on what you think is best for you.

Further, you will likely be putting your sister in a bad position. Either she would need to bring this topic into her marriage, which it seems her husband (the VICTIM) has chosen not to, or she could choose not to tell him what she has heard, and go through life knowing there is something she's not sharing with her husband. Given that you think it would be so awful for you not to share everything with your sister, just imagine how she would feel knowing something that, out of love for her husband, she could not tell him she has learned?

+1,000,000
But you all know, OP is sounding more and more like a bored troll.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would mention it to my sister. But OP, your sister probably knows already.

+1 If you two are as close as you say you are, your sister might feel relieved to finally be able to discuss it with you.

+2 If it was my husband and my in-laws, I'd want to know.

Because?

Because if someone told my spouse sensitive information about my family, I'd want to know exactly what it was and who said it. if the information is false, I'd want to be able to refute it. If it was correct, I would want to give my version of the events, how I dealt with it and any pertinent background. I found out as an adult that my mother was abused by her mother and stepfather. As a result, she left home at an early age and had a large family that was precious to her. She was the most dependable and hardworking person we knew. We didn't love her any less because she had been abused and it explained certain strong feelings she had, as well as insecurities. We respected her more for having overcome early adversity and we loved my grandmother regardless. My husband and I are partners for life and there is nothing we wouldn't do to support one another.

My question was directed to the poster who was relating to the *wife,* NOT the husband (victim.) You obviously misunderstood.