Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah it's a tough one. Can you let go of the SAHM dream? Cause it is ulikely to happen with this guy. Can he stand up to his family? If not you will definitely resent him for it. What is his degree in? Does his earning potential justify his loans? I am all for love, but reality of life wears everyone out. You just really need to not be naive about your prospects.
- signed, someone who loves DH but resents ILs to the point of struggling to stay civil.

Who said her dream is to SAH?

I would have a long discussion with him about what his expectations are for giving to his family in the long term. Does he have any sort of "deal" with them? Pay them x amount and that's it? Is there a cap on how much he gives monthly? I'd have to be very certain that he understands this is a big issue for me and we'd have to have a plan on how to wean that support, or keep it to a manageable level. Perhaps some couples therapy on this topic would be money well spent.

OP, you mentioned that you're both saving for a wedding. Please think twice about spending a substantial amount of money on a wedding and put that towards a house or something that will last for more than a few hours. It sounds pragmatic and not very romantic but looking back I think you will be much more proud of yourself.

OP wrote,

[i]"In the back of my mind I always thought my dh would eventually support us."

OP, does your boyfriend know that this is what you want? Does he agree with the idea of supporting you and future children? If he does, how does he plan to put plans into place to make that happen?

This is OP. We have talked about that. I do not want to SAHM forever but definitely for 3-4 years. He always says that he wants that for our family as well nor does he expect me to be the bread winner. My main concern is if he has a realistic expectation for our family decisions in the next few years. If we he is not earning much more by the time we have a child...I would definitely have to go to work immediately.

You can't afford kids. You already have two - his parents.

Marry him your life is fucked.

Not much you can do if you're in love - except work on improving your finances together (live frugally & save/invest). You are not going to leave someone you're in love with I wouldn't think.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where did he attend school? Do you see him earning substantially more money?

Love doesn't pay bills. If you are pretty and young, you can afford to be picky. Now is the time to find a good provider.

This is OP. He went to Vanderbilt for undergrad and Georgetown for his M.A in IR.

You should have a talk with him about your concerns. What is his future vision? Are you ok with him supporting his parents forever?

You know if you can do better. It's very smart to think of your future and how you will live.

OP here.

I love him. He is a gem of a man who is kind and extremely generous. Can I do better financial in the DMV? Probably. Better personality wise? IDK

I also married a gem of a man who is kind and extremely generous. He also had the ambition, intelligence and work ethic to go into a field that was lucrative so he can be generous while providing a nice lifestyle to his wife and two children. He married me, who is also kind but less generous due to money insecurity so we make sure to sock away money for our retirement while helping to support several family members who have fallen on hard times. I can't imagine that I would have had children with my DH if we were in your situation. It would be so incredibly stressful that DH and I would be fighting constantly. I hated when my parents fought and worried about money so I won't do that to my kids. Better to remain childless with your kind, generous man than have it all come crashing down with innocent children later on.

Anonymous wrote:OP, is this the fiancée who couldn't say no ti his sister who invited herself to your couple's trip and wanted to share the room with you?

Oh, wow, I didn't think of that. Is that you, OP?!?! If so, get out. You will thank yourself in 5 years (or 5 months).

You need to sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with him. You made it seem like he gives A LOT/most of his money to his parents/sister in the OP but then later you say you don't know how much he gives. You need numbers -- how much per yr is going to them? How much does he anticipate going forward? Do they have retirement savings? If not, does he intend to supplement beyond social security.

Reality is the numbers likely won't work in such a way you can buy a house, have a baby, and stay home for 3-4 yrs on just his 75k with him giving 5-10k to his family yearly.

If you're on the same page about loving each other and wanting to get married, then you need a plan for (i) how to up your HHI; and (ii) how to limit the expenditure on inlaws. While you may want it, the reality is he likely will not immediately stop giving the inlaws something overnight -- you may get him to reduce it over time. So my thought -- which won't be popular here -- he needs to get out of IR and go make some money in mgmt consulting. I get that middle eastern issues are hot and pay "well" but that is think tank or gov't/quasi gov't well. There's still more cash to be had in the private sector and being only 28 he can still get hired over there (that won't be the case if he is 32 and still in IR bc no firm will believe that he really wants to be there and can hack it, whereas a few yrs after a masters you can make an argument for switching careers). He can make much better money in consulting and with a few yrs of that even land himself a Fortune 500 gig. If you can't get buy in on increasing income OR decreasing help to inlaws -- I honestly think you should make it a very long engagement until you figure it out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am not sure you mentioned how much he is sending them.

he should ask them if they can help him buy a house.

That might help send a message. When they say no, he can say, well I really need to consider priorities here. It seems link time to start saving for my family's future. What do you think?

OP here. I agree. I don't know how much he helps his family and I do not think it is monthly or as much as other posters are suggesting. I know he has bought food and wine for them and paid some of their bills when they were in trouble. It seems to have stabilized now.

That's ok then, those are his parents. He is probably worried about them and you should admire that. Honestly I think he sounds great, be happy and simply learn to manage your money.

OP here. A year or so ago, they were drowning and were about to lose their house. My BF helped out a lot then. These days he doesn't do much since they seem to be doing better. As far as I know his dad is still working. I'm just a little concerned because it appears that they have no savings for retirement. And if there is an emergency he would definitely have to help out.

There will be another financial emergency. Life is all about how these things are handled.

It's not the income or the student loan debt that is troubling. That can be dealt with, you are both young and together would make enough to pay that off and start some savings of your own if you wanted to.

But he is supporting his parents at 28?! And they are healthy and choose not to work or live within their means (meaning his mom could work but chooses not to, you don't say what his dad does other than "bad investments" but plenty of people live off social security and do just fine living within that)

That kind of situation is impossible to change when you are the new daughter in law and this is already the status quo.
It will be years of stress and rifts while either you bite your tongue and accept your joint money is going to these people or deal with the fall out of them hating you and the impact on your husbands relationship with them and feelings towards you resulting if this stops.
Picture yourself having a child and skimping on childcare, clothing, time with child so you can send your money to a woman that refuses to work.
I don't see this ending well OP. Does your bf know this is not a good situation, does he give money happily, does he think it's ok his mom won't work?

This. I would not be worried about the current financial situation - his income right now is not surprising for someone his age, and together you could work to pay down loans. FWIW, my husband and I married at 27 and I had over $100k of law school debt, which we worked together to pay off (and did). The idea that he is supporting his parents is really troubling - I would definitely resent that, in light of the fact that his mother is fully capable of earning money herself. On the positive side, your fiance is clearly loyal, loving and values family relationships - all qualities that will make a great spouse and parent. He just needs to talk to his parents about his financial role in their lives and discontinuing it.

If I were you, I'd live together but not marry. Share living expenses but keep the rest of your finances separate. You can see how things go without putting yourself at financial risk. Do not have children until you both have financial stability and can afford to raise them without taking on debt other than a reasonable mortgage.

I haven't read the whole thread but encourage you not to. It sounds harsh and selfish when you are in love, but the practical reality is that it takes a certain amount of financial security to have a happy marriage and to be parents. Your long term happiness is better served if you are on secure financial footing. I wish that I had been more careful in many respects about who I married.

OP, if you seriously have to ask DCUM whether to marry somebody, then you're too immature to get married.

OP - I think you and BF better have a long view towards marriage because you have a lot of issues to clarify.

- He has good school credentials AND studied a hot field - Middle East at this time so if he also has at least a working knowledge of one of the key languages in that area of the world he needs to be looking at government jobs that will get him on a GS ranking. The benefits are excellent and the pay a lot more than 75K as he advances. He might look into the Presidential Management Internship Program with his area of focus background to see if he could still qualify or not as entry point into government. Or at least talk to some agencies to see what is out there as he should be able to earn more than 75K.

- With his loan debts, you two need to pay to go to a financial counselor - not one who sells products, but a professional who looks at your overall financial picture, helps you review your financial goals and in your case could help you develop a monthly budget to live on and pay down debt. We have one daughter who is out of grad school 8 years with 55K in student loan debt, married six years to SIL who finished law school debt free, but who only temped for two years till first job four years ago. Between them they were able to work, marry and save $200,000 K for a downpayment in a home in NOVA. She also paid down her school debt in 8 years to $7,000 from her earning. This was in addition to having two children, paying for a new van in cash and having college funds for the kids on track she tells me. They have a budget as they are now in savings mode to accumulate cash to move up in home market. Without direct knowledge, I suspect they live on her salary and bank most of his. You need to more or less follow a similar line of pouring as much as possible of his salary towards paying down the debts. You could also have an account for a wedding, but honestly a big wedding now would be a rather frivolous luxury.

- Once a plan is in place, you both need to see how you do on it for several months and see how things go as benchmarks are met for paying down the loan, building an emergency savings, paying monthly bills etc.

- At the same time, you two might go to couples' counseling for a few sessions to learn to talk honestly to one another about how you view money in relationship to family members and why. I would hope that BF would also be advised to speak directly to his parents with you present in general about "your family" goals now and once you marry and how you will not be in a position to help them financially so they do need to understand that not because you do not care about them, but because your family will be priority number one. You might find resources for them such as free financial counseling or debt reduction services, A Dave Ramsey course which you could pay for or possible senior center counseling services. If they are in their 50s they have plenty of time to reign in their finances and at least try to prepare for the future. Mother should get out and get a job - heck she could make $15 to $20 an hour watching children even just before and after school........

I will just note that neither of our daughters living in the DMV with a home and two young children and family incomes of around $200K ever consider that Mom could be a completely SAHM for any time. One works only 3 days a week in her field, but earns $75/hour.

OP, when I married my now DH, he was unemployed and with no seeming job prospects. So I would never advise you to ditch someone because they do not make enough.

But I would advise you to think long and hard if you can have a viable future with someone where between the two of you there appears no possibility of shaking financial insecurity and even hardship, and affording children seems quite impossible.

When I married my DH, he may not have had a job, but he also had no outstanding obligations (debt or family) and I was making enough to support us (and any future children) comfortably. He was also hard-working and determined so I knew something would work out for him eventually (and he does have a well-paying job now) but the point was even if it never worked out, there was enough money to live on.

You guys need to seriously get on the same page and figure out your future finances meticulously - such as figuring out if you (either of you) are on a trajectory to make more money. Or whether you can agree to stop paying for his family. Or figure out how to move to a lower cost of living area.

Love is wonderful but being poor is not. As someone who has been poor as a child, that is not something I would ever subject my children to if I had a choice.

My line with my kids is you have to be able to support yourself in the style you want to be accustom to. If they choose to take on 100K in debt and go into a field that wouldn't help pay that off quickly that is their choice to make. That could translate into delaying having kids while they pay off student loans, renting for a long time or maybe always renting, moving to a lower cost of living location, having a really far commute, not having a big wedding, trying to get by on one car for awhile if married to save that cost, getting a second job, working until 70.... Part of being an adult is both making decisions for yourself and living with the consequences (good and bad). So I see no issues with marrying someone with 100K debt, making 75K and you not making a lot as long as you both agree on what the life together looks like and can both live with the sacrifices to get to your shared vision.

The potential in-laws being supported financially is a little more worrisome. Part of it is you can't necessarily budget for other people's expenses, you don't know when and how much the amount requested. The other is you can't control their choices. I have a friend that her parents lived a better lifestyle than she did and she was helping them out financially. Dad had to have the latest cameras, nice cars, had to live in a nice house etc. I know giving money to family once you are married can be a huge source of stress unless you are financially comfortable enough to do so without impacting your own financial well being. It also can be difficult when the recipient is an able bodied adult (like the fiance's sister). While this could be more headache than it is worth, some people live with in-laws as a way of providing financial safety for all involved, like the young couple may not have been able to afford the place on their own goes in with one set of parents and the live together , or grandma moves in and she helps with childcare. If you really think it is that precarious financially with his parents make sure you guys discuss parents moving in with you guys versus trying to support a 2nd household. In general, if your fiancé has good boundaries with his parents and can be direct when he has to (I.e. Not make a decision to go along with parents at the expense of his wife and children), you will be fine. If he is t like that ...just read the family message boards to see what that is like.

OP, is this the fiancée who couldn't say no ti his sister who invited herself to your couple's trip and wanted to share the room with you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am not sure you mentioned how much he is sending them.

he should ask them if they can help him buy a house.

That might help send a message. When they say no, he can say, well I really need to consider priorities here. It seems link time to start saving for my family's future. What do you think?

OP here. I agree. I don't know how much he helps his family and I do not think it is monthly or as much as other posters are suggesting. I know he has bought food and wine for them and paid some of their bills when they were in trouble. It seems to have stabilized now.

That's ok then, those are his parents. He is probably worried about them and you should admire that. Honestly I think he sounds great, be happy and simply learn to manage your money.

OP here. A year or so ago, they were drowning and were about to lose their house. My BF helped out a lot then. These days he doesn't do much since they seem to be doing better. As far as I know his dad is still working. I'm just a little concerned because it appears that they have no savings for retirement. And if there is an emergency he would definitely have to help out.