Anonymous wrote:My sister and I have never been close. In the last few years she has gone out of her way to actively hurt me and tried to damage my relationships with other family members. Every time I have to come in contact her, I end up reeling from something she has said or done. I have about come to the point where I've decided it is no longer worth it to be in contact with her. However, this would absolutely break my mother's heart and I would be blamed for "breaking up the family". (Sister and I are in our mid-30s if it matters.) I don't want to destroy my relationship with my mother, but she is close with my sister and would probably take the view that I am being difficult even though this is really about me finally looking out for me. Anyone BTDT? How did you deal with the negativity from other family members when you cut a toxic sibling from your life?

I would do it but slowly. Make excuses, your busy. Visit other family when she isn't there, stuff like that. Don't give her amo to hurt your relationship with others.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you need to make an official declaration? Why do you need to get your mother involved? You're better off keeping her at a distance and giving generic non-committal responses to her attempts to contact you. Don't engage.

Unless you want the drama and want to make absolutely clear to your sister you are cutting off your relationship with her, I think holding her at arms length, and see and communicate with her only when you are seeing your mother, especially since you say you don't want to damage your relationship with Mom. By making a clear, unequivocal statement that you are cutting off your sister, you are forcing your Mom to make a choice between her children. It is up to you if that is what you want to do, and only you know the level of toxicity in your relationship with sister. I'm a firm believer in clear statements and non engagement with toxic people. Tell her next time she calls that what she is doing is unacceptable, you are not going to engage with her on it, and leave it at that.

agree....great post!

Think hard about whether "cutting your sister" is really going to make your life better. You'll be basically making your mom (and the rest of your family) choose between you and your sister when hosting family events, including holidays, birthday parties, etc. And in some ways, you'll be making them choose between you anyway. Honestly, will you be okay with it if your mom decides to invite your sister instead of you to something? Or invites your sister and you, knowing that you've said you won't attend if she does?

Personally, I'd be calling her out when she says awful things. I'd be ignoring everything she says. And I'd only be seeing her when it was a whole-family event, and never reaching out to her. But unless she was mistreating my kids, I wouldn't be cutting her off, because I wouldn't want to deal with the natural repercussions with the rest of my family. U

Anonymous wrote:Every time I hear one of this cutting off a family member statements, I am reminded of a 5 year old screaming I am going to take my toys and go home. Grow up and look at how your actions effect every other member of your family. You don't have to engage any one you don't want to. You don't have to visit any one you don't want to. You don't even have to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to. However, the moment you make one of these childish declarations you cast your relationship issues onto every other member of the family--and, yes, your actions will ripple through all of the relationships in the family. It is very selfish and there are better and more mature ways to protect yourself than dragging everyone else down.

+1