Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 21:42     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Have your DH ask them about it.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 14:29     Subject: Re:When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
This reminded me of a family I use to babysit for. I will be honest, her kids weren't the best behaved (I'm being kind here). In fact my neighbor knew about them and couldn't believe I would watch them. Her own mother I only met twice in 4 years. She came crying one day because her inlaws were in town for 2 weeks and wanted them at my house the entire time, lol. She was in complete denial about their behavior. Not saying this is the case, but sometimes certain kids are more difficult for older parents. Perhaps the sister's kids are at a easier age...or temperament.

Whatever the case... all of you are adults that need to find your own care, not the retired parents who may be too old to watch them adequately.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 14:24     Subject: Re:When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Stop keeping scoreboard, and find a sitter to watch your children for date nights etc. Maybe they are closer to her children, they are easier, they are closer to her..could be a lot of things. Either way, stop letting this bother you. They did their time with kids and it's their choice to decide either way.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2016 13:55     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:Op, ask if they can watch you kids for 3 hours, for 2 occasions next month and let them pick the date. Then find something to do. Do not cancel, or reschedule - ever. You need to put-in the effort to get them use to babysitting (well you don't have to, but you know what I mean) It's not like it will ever be fair, or it's not like you should have to work so hard - but, you have to start somewhere. Start with some consistency - even if very small.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 17:01     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Op, ask if they can watch you kids for 3 hours, for 2 occasions next month and let them pick the date. Then find something to do. Do not cancel, or reschedule - ever. You need to put-in the effort to get them use to babysitting (well you don't have to, but you know what I mean) It's not like it will ever be fair, or it's not like you should have to work so hard - but, you have to start somewhere. Start with some consistency - even if very small.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 16:37     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
My MIL told kid (A) she needed to check with kid (B) before she could agree to babysit for A. She didn't have anything schedule with B, but wanted to see if he needed her before agreeing to watch A kids. So it seems this is a common grandparent issue.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2016 06:56     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:Is it possible that your SIL needs more help? As in, you are more capable and together than she is?

I have a similar dynamic with my sister (my mom visits her 3 times for every 1 visit here, they talk every day versus me 1x per week) and it used to sting a lot.

However I have become more and more aware that my mom has taken on an almost co-dependant role with my sister, from giving advice about her marriage, how she raises her children, friend issues, you name it and my sister can't make a decision without her input. Her life is very chaotic and stressed, her marriage is just okay, and her kids have some behavior issues.

I have learned to be thankful that I don't need or am perceived to need that level of help/involvement.

Is it possible that is going on in your scenario too?


This is the dynamic with my in laws as well.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2016 23:07     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, is there any remote chance at all that your MIL doesn't like helping you out with the kids so much because..cough cough...you are a huge self-entitled bitch?


*crickets*


Totally uncalled for and there's nothing in OP's post that suggests she's a bitch. She's naturally frustrated that her husband and his kids are being treated differently than his sister and her kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2016 19:19     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I don't think it is actively preferring the children or in any way "classic narcissistic" behavior. It is, as may other posters have suggested, a comfort level thing. It's like the old adage, "you're son is your son until he takes a wife, your daughter is your daughter for the rest of her life."


No. You (and grandmothers who heed this) are making excuses not to pay attention to the son's wife and children. We all know what is going on. Especially if the son married someone totally different than the son's mom (on purpose, I might add). The narcissistic MIL sees that as a personal affront - because, after all, "it's all about her (MIL)".



i am not a grandmother and completely agree with the first poster. My mom does not take much interest in my kids and doesn't offer to take them. My MIL on the other hand will want my kids for as much time as we are willing to offer. Still, I prefer my mom because I know that crazy, kwim? I know how to deal with her and to communicate effectively with my mom. I also know the relationship is strong enough to handle any rocking. So, despite my MIL doing everything right and my mom not showing a whole lot of initiative, the adage holds true. Just saying it's not a one way thing. Us Moms and Daughters are part of the problem too (not just the paternal grandma).
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2016 17:48     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:OP, is there any remote chance at all that your MIL doesn't like helping you out with the kids so much because..cough cough...you are a huge self-entitled bitch?


*crickets*
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2016 16:27     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
OP, is there any remote chance at all that your MIL doesn't like helping you out with the kids so much because..cough cough...you are a huge self-entitled bitch?
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2016 12:06     Subject: Re:When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think parents find it easier to babysit the grandkids of their daughters than their sons. It is because daughters and moms share similar parenting styles. I have see MILs take care of their DILs kids, but this was in the way of sharing the same house or the DIL relying exclusively on MIL for daycare.

Also, all babies are individuals and your ILs are older people. Maybe they find your SILs kids less fussy, easier to take care of, less exhausting? You do not know what give and take is happening between your SIL and MIL. Let it go.


I know this is the answer, but HOW? It's been simmering for a year.


Look at it this way, OP. Your ILs weren't there for you in raising your kids so you and your kids don't have to feel obligated to reciprocate later in life. Let SIL and her grown kids take the responsibility for schlepping the ILs around and helping them in their old age. What goes around comes around.


Not really, IME, it sometimes is the opposite. The child that received the most did the least end of care for parents in DH's family.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2016 10:24     Subject: When there is a big imbalance in grandparent babysitting...
Anonymous wrote:I think she favors SIL kids. Totally, totally common. There is research out there about maternal grandparent investment in grandchildren and how it far outstrips the investment in a son's children. From a biology perspective, a grandmother is only certain that her daughter's children belong to her bloodline.


This is not true at all in my case. My mother bends over backwards to help my brother out and never says no to him (we all live here so its not a distance issue). I have stopped asking her to watch my kids because it seems she is always watching theirs when I need her. I don't think it's a preference thing though...I think she is trying so hard to make my SIL happy so that she will like her. They are very different people (both perfectly wonderful in their own way but very different). At least with me, she knows I'm stuck with her

I'm lucky to have a MIL who is very helpful and DH is an only child.