Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 18:50     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.


Well, you seem really hypocritical. I mean, you moved to the U.S., presumably away from some of your extended family. And/or you tore your parents out of a country they'd grown up in and loved and made them move with you to the U.S. so they could live with you (and provide free childcare, is my guess).

DH is SE Asian and he obviously isn't close to his family in any sense of the word, since he lives literally on the opposite side of the earth from them. I'm American and very close to my family.

Sounds like 1. you're not very bright and 2. maybe you are not well integrated and you still think of yourself as a foreigner. That's sad and lame, but I don't think anything anyone says on here will change your weird opinions about Americans. But guess what, hon? YOU'RE AMERICAN. Welcome to the club.


I like you!
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 17:09     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
I am Indian. We have had lots of family drama. My guess is that you've been spared since you've been away from your extended family for twenty years. My mom was estranged from her brother for many years after he kicked their father out of their home.

There are other relatives who don't speak to each other, people who have disowned their children for not marrying the correct race/religion .

I am just astounded that you haven't experienced this. All families have their issues and if you looked more closely at your own family you'd see the cracks.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:55     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:True, but many Indian in-laws who are millionaires live with their SIL/DILs, *in this country*, because that is how they expected retired life to be like. Lots of hotel-owning Patel families. Lots of doctors and engineers who are now retired and want to be taken care of "the right way".
It's expected. Some women comply. Many don't.
- Indian-American who does not live with her inlaws or parents


How do you not comply if that's what's expected in your culture?
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:42     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
True, but many Indian in-laws who are millionaires live with their SIL/DILs, *in this country*, because that is how they expected retired life to be like. Lots of hotel-owning Patel families. Lots of doctors and engineers who are now retired and want to be taken care of "the right way".
It's expected. Some women comply. Many don't.
- Indian-American who does not live with her inlaws or parents
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:37     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Much of what appears to be a cultural difference is actually just the outcome of public welfare programs. You don't see many Western families having the elderly grandparents live with them because financially, those elderly relatives have retirement accounts, social security, health insurance, and they may or may not have their own housing options - that's the case with my parents. They likely will never *need* to live with us, but a few generations ago, that wasn't the case even in America.

My husbands' Indian parents, on the other hand, have no social security, no health insurance, and their retirement account is diminimus - they likely will need to live with us, or at least depend upon our financial support.

It's not that we have greater regard for his parents and less regard for mine. It's that one set of parents lived their lives and worked for their whole careers in an economy that was designed for self-sufficiency even in old age; the other has lived and worked in a society where those opportunities were limited and they now are destined not to be self-sufficient in a few years. Let's not romanticize that.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:30     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.

Except there are so many exceptions that there's barely a rule left. I see people caring for their families all the time--parents helping their children get a good start in life; adult children helping to care for elderly parents; family members pitching in to help someone in a tough spot. We might complain about our families more than others, but we don't love them less.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:30     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

I'm American, but OP is right. We've become a throwaway society, in more ways then one sadly.

If nothing else, our children need a good extended family; even adopted would do.


I think there are general cultural differences, but there is good and bad to those. And honestly, they are just generalizations, not absolute truths.

Do we as a country need to be less throwaway? Yes. Health Care alone (even see Sicko?) is appalling. And the the cost of elder care is ridiculous. As is COL. People HAVE to work until they die most of the time. Ever tried to care for a sickly/dying parent full time AND try to work? Yeah, good luck with that.

But that is really going on tangents about policies.

But I don't think it is fair to say that Western Culture on the whole is throwaway. There are a lot of pressures on the modern family that complicate all of this.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:25     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.


I don't even know where to start with this. First of all, love isn't measured in money. Second, I don't know any parents who have limits on how much they love their children. I don't know any parents who wouldn't die for their children if that was necessary. The parents I know give their time, their money, and their energy to their children in big ways and small ways. They might not do everything for their children, because they want to teach their children how to be strong and independent and be able to care for themselves, but that has nothing to do with how much they love their children.

If your definition of love is "giving up absolutely everything, destroying your marriage, and going into debt to buy your kids stuff," and "seeing your child as an extension of yourself," then I suppose you wouldn't think that Westerners love their children. But you're just so, so, so wrong. And frankly, offensive.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:17     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
The fundamental tension in the US is the question of what's better, the individual or the group. That carries over into family values.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:11     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Why do Indians smell so badly? Don't your people bathe?
Why do your people abort so many girl babies?
Why are you all software engineers?

See how much fun stereotypes are, OP?
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:08     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:I'm a southasian American who, after having lived in the U.S for over 20 years is pretty baffled by the western perspective on extended family. I have seen my friends and colleagues speak at great length about troubled relations with their brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers and in laws. Most times, adult siblings only speak to each other occasionally and see each other at Christmas. Adult daughters can't stand their fathers and do not see them unless its an emergency. Siblings cutting each other off etc. Married couples not wanting to have their elderly parents live with them and more.

In the east, we LOVE our families. We live and would die for them. As an adult daughter it is a great privilege and blessing to me that my elderly parents can live with us and that I can take care of them in their old age. I love my siblings and we all live near each other.

Why is it so different in the west?

I'm American, but OP is right. We've become a throwaway society, in more ways then one sadly.

If nothing else, our children need a good extended family; even adopted would do.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:04     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Now I see a poster asserted Western parents don't spend money on their kids. from payer of tuition through grad school, buyer of vehicles, etc.

But do you love enough to buy THE BEST vehicle possible?
A SE girl in my DC's HS had a brand new Acura she totaled, and her parents just bought her another brand-new MDX.
My DC drove a 10yo Toyota handed down from one of us parents, and was very appreciative.


huh, I went to school with a rich white kid whose father bought a brand new mercedes when his son wrapped his BMW around a tree while drunk driving.

the white father had no love though
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 16:03     Subject: Re:Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am taking in the responses and I agree. These are general observations I have made for western society as a whole; not necessarily taking in individual situations and exceptions.

I've just noticed that on the whole, western families are very individual oriented. Parents love their children, sure. But there's a limit to the love in the sense that the love is there so as long as it is self preserving. Western parents I know provide their children with a lot of good parenting and love but never at personal expense. Eastern families on the other hand, put almost a divine emphasis on parent-children bond. Parents do everything and anything for their children, putting them even before their marriages. I know many friends who have gone broke and into debt so that their children have the best educations. The concept of "work life balance" is alien to a typical Southasian mom. All she cares about is her child and his/her well being in a way that seems that the child is almost an extension of her.

The children realize the deep love their parents have shown them and would never be rude to their parents or abandon them in time of need.

I think its a different mind set.


Huh? My parents lived very modestly. They drove cheap cars till they literally died, rarely did we go on vacations and our house was old and basic. They did pay fully for college and graduate school (to the schools our our choice, including my sister going to ivy's). They bought us each a car at 22 as we needed them for graduate school and helped with downpayment for us to buy homes. What more should they have done? We are doing the same for our kids.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 15:58     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Now I see a poster asserted Western parents don't spend money on their kids. from payer of tuition through grad school, buyer of vehicles, etc.

But do you love enough to buy THE BEST vehicle possible?
A SE girl in my DC's HS had a brand new Acura she totaled, and her parents just bought her another brand-new MDX.
My DC drove a 10yo Toyota handed down from one of us parents, and was very appreciative.


huh, I went to school with a rich white kid whose father bought a brand new mercedes when his son wrapped his BMW around a tree while drunk driving.
Anonymous
Post 01/13/2016 15:57     Subject: Why do western people have such disregard for family?
^^^ack, before the grammar police come after me..."THERE are no western families...." I started with one sentence and wound up with another.