OP these aren't things you and DH have any say in. Nor should you.

Girl, You tripping!!

Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.

OP, it's their home. Their holiday. You and your husband are not even present. How on Earth is their inviting someone, anyone to their own home, when you and DH are not even there, "disrespectful"? Is it because DH and the ex don't get along so he expects his parents not to get along with her, to the point they don't see their own grandchild on holidays because he doesn't like it?

His daughter has a relationship with his parents that is not necessarily tied entirely to HIS relationship with them. He needs to see that or he is going to make his daughter feel guilty for seeing her own grandparents. And eventually she will realize he's making her feel guilty, and she will be resentful of him for that. If he wants to have a sad, possessive, guilt-ridden relationship with his daughter, this is a great way to go about it.

Think how much worse it would be if his parents invited the ex and daughter over ON the holidays when you are there, or just the ex if daughter is there with you. In some families this would happen, especially if the parents were not thrilled about the divorce, or felt close to the former daughter in law. His parents ARE respecting everyone by keeping the ex's visits with daughter at their house separate from DH's and your visits with daughter at their house. The real disrespect is your husband's, for assuming he has a right to tell his parents who can be a guest in their own home and on what occasions.

As for "shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family" on holidays instead of being at your in-laws' -- maybe she'd much rather be with her own family but sucks it up so that her child can have a relationship with your husband's parents. Why is that so awful? I would think your husband would be OK with his ex actually making an effort to ensure that their child sees HIS family and not just her own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

They are allowed to like and love people you do not. You best take a seat and gather your thoughts and realize how lucky you are to have married into such a loving gracious family and that if, God forbid, you and DH break up, your in-laws won't put your petty ass out with the garbage.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Who cares how long they were married? My DH was never married to his child's mom. A brief relationship that resulted in a kid. I have had this woman in my home for a family function centered around her child. If she were actually more involved with her child and was able to forge a bond with my MIL and was invited to her home with her child, it would not bother me in the least. It is about being mature, putting the kids first, seeing beyond yourself and understanding that the world does not revolve around you. Seriously, if you could not take being a step parent, having "family" that you did not choose, then you should have said no when your now DH proposed. Your coming off as a petulant child.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and BIL are divorced. My MIL invites SIL and children to family functions. My MIL also does things like take the children and SIL on vacations. She behaves as the grandmother of the children, because that is her role. My ex-SIL does use the children to negotiate things that benefit her like Christmas at a lovely resort when the kids really couldn't care less. But my MIL is a wonderful grandmother and since she can afford it does everything she can to maintain a good relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Whether or not we like ex-SIL is irrelevant. She's the mother of children we care very much for, and as such we will treat her with kindness and respect and as one of the family.

Your DH's ex wife is the mother of the In Laws grandchild. They are being mature and compassionate in their behavior. You should take notice of the example.

YES JESUS!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

Different side coming out now, OP. Are you jealous that the ILs like her?

Seriously--what is so shocking about a woman getting along well with and loving the mother of her grandchild? She should pretend she doesn't like her so you won't be annoyed? Grow up!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and BIL are divorced. My MIL invites SIL and children to family functions. My MIL also does things like take the children and SIL on vacations. She behaves as the grandmother of the children, because that is her role. My ex-SIL does use the children to negotiate things that benefit her like Christmas at a lovely resort when the kids really couldn't care less. But my MIL is a wonderful grandmother and since she can afford it does everything she can to maintain a good relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Whether or not we like ex-SIL is irrelevant. She's the mother of children we care very much for, and as such we will treat her with kindness and respect and as one of the family.

Your DH's ex wife is the mother of the In Laws grandchild. They are being mature and compassionate in their behavior. You should take notice of the example.

Has your BIL remarried? I think things should change once that happens.

Why should it change? The ex-SIL is still the mother of their grandchild. Whether or not your BIL remarries doesn't change that.

OP- you're being selfish and petty.

Divorced here. You need to get past it OP. Let it go.

Anonymous wrote:DH gets alternating holidays with his daughter. The other holidays we spend with my family. For the past few years, in laws have invited DH's ex wife, who he does not have a good relationship with, and daughter to the holidays that we are with my family. They don't mention they are doing it in advance, don't discuss with DH, we just end up seeing photos of everyone all together on facebook. I understand that they want to spend time with their grandchild, but shouldn't the ex be spending time with her side of the family on those holidays (they are local too)? A quick visit is ok, but to family thanksgiving? And without us? DH is furious because he has asked his mom in the past not to do this and he thinks it is disrespectful to the two of us. On the holidays when we do have his dd , they don't invite the ex, or at least haven't up to now, but I can't help but feel slighted in this situation. MIL doesn't seem to respect DH's wishes. I know children should come first, but this dynamic is very uncomfortable.

You and DH both need to grow up. That is their grandchild and her mother. They are your ILs' family, too. DH can divorce her as his wife, but she will always be the mother of his child. That means that she will always be part of the family.

Shut up, suck it up, and keep the peace.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

Different side coming out now, OP. Are you jealous that the ILs like her?

Your husband married this woman, and made her a part of your in-laws' family. Just because it didn't work out between her and your husband doesn't mean that your in-laws stop loving her or wanting to spend time with her. It would be one thing if your in-laws knew she'd cheated on your husband or done something similarly egregious to hurt your husband, but I suspect that didn't happen or you would have included it in your initial list of grievances. Your in-laws are showing respect for you and your husband by not inviting her to the same gatherings that you are a part of, they're keeping you separate to keep peace. If you push this point, you will end up looking bitter and controlling, and will alienate your in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - they were married for 1 year after daughter was born and then divorced. We got married 6 years later and have 2 kids. She has been very difficult demanding and limits access and everyone has been aware of this. Mil goes above and beyond for her and daughter.

Omg, OP. DH has moved on and created a new family with you. Yet, you still begrudge this girl extra time with her grandparents because you feel
"Slighted" ? Disgusting

OP, I'm a stepmom, and I would be annoyed as hell at opening Facebook and seeing pictures of my husband's ex with his mom and dad and daughter on Thanksgiving. Annoyed as hell. I can't stand the woman - she is toxic, she has done terrible things to my stepdaughter, and I am lucky that my stepdaughter is grown now so we can have a great relationship with her without having very much contact with her mother.

That said, the fact that her mother is awful is all the more reason why I would swallow my annoyance and disgust and be really, really happy for my stepdaughter that she got to spend more time with our (DH's) family. The more time with our family the better. And if your MIL can navigate how difficult and demanding the XW has been, more power to her!!!

This is not a slight of you in any way. (If they had been invited and NOT you, that would be a slight. You weren't going to be there anyway. By no definition is it a slight.)

The only halfway legit complaint I think you have is that this is the kind of thing that MIL should tell your DH ahead of time. Understandably, she probably avoids saying something because it would cause a stink. But it's not right for him to be blindsided by seeing his daughter and his ex with his family on Facebook. That's just lousy - it's like being clobbered with an emotional 2x4 because it obviously brings up a lot of uncomfortable emotions.

If this woman is so bad, the more time your stepdaughter spends with your family, whether with her mom or not, is a good thing. Try to be happy for her.

Thanks for this. And I see the point about being happy for DSD. But the annoying and shocking part was not just pics of all of them, but ones with ex and MIL and SILs arm in arm. With quotes about a perfect thanksgiving and love you all!

You're a grown woman with two children of your own and your husband is in a second marriage. Really, I think I'd try to let this go.

Anonymous wrote:My SIL and BIL are divorced. My MIL invites SIL and children to family functions. My MIL also does things like take the children and SIL on vacations. She behaves as the grandmother of the children, because that is her role. My ex-SIL does use the children to negotiate things that benefit her like Christmas at a lovely resort when the kids really couldn't care less. But my MIL is a wonderful grandmother and since she can afford it does everything she can to maintain a good relationship with the mother of her grandchildren.

Whether or not we like ex-SIL is irrelevant. She's the mother of children we care very much for, and as such we will treat her with kindness and respect and as one of the family.

Your DH's ex wife is the mother of the In Laws grandchild. They are being mature and compassionate in their behavior. You should take notice of the example.

Has your BIL remarried? I think things should change once that happens.