Anonymous
Post 11/27/2018 01:28     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am reading this thread I started almost three years ago to the day and on the verge of tears. I am finally taking action. I just cannot believe I continue to live with this for as long as I did. FWIW the marriage therapist thinks she has BPD symptoms as well.


What are you doing?


Individual therapy for now. Possibly a lawyer in 2019


Very glad to read that you are doing therapy. Sending strength and good vibes your way.

I expect this will be very tough, and you may stumble a few times, but remember that what matters is that you pick yourself back up and keep moving forward. Unfortunately, forward may require a lawyer.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2018 00:08     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
This doesn't sound bad. Women have always been dramatic OP. The older I get the less I want to have female friends. I am married so it's not appropriate to start friendships with men. Marriage and children make women soo boring.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2018 08:04     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:In recent years, I've noticed a trend with DW.

She meets someone and "totally loves them." And then, in time, something happens and suddenly that person is completely incompetent, or an utter bitch, or worse.

I've seen this happen with:

- Bosses (twice she's lasted at a company for three months and left in large part because of clash with her supervisor, whom she declared incompetent).
- Other moms (it's almost always women she has these conflicts with). In both circles of my kids' friends (i.e., clashes with moms of kids older DC is friends with and then with younger DCs circle). It was like this in both communities where we've lived -- with the kids as toddlers and now as tweens.
- Other volunteers at church.
- Teachers and school administration
- Other parents on dcs' sports teams
- Neighborhood civic association type projects

It's gotten to the point where I can see the cycle coming. If we host something, I can pretty much guarantee a LONG venting session later where she's really angry about this perceived slight or something someone's bratty kid did or whatever.

I realize that I have grown tired of it because what I've come to realize is she's the common denominator. She can be abrupt, rude, and tempestuous. I've seen her snarl at other people's children! Unfortunately, that makes me a bad partner because I no longer really indulge listening to it. The one time I gently tried to point out that she seems to have a lot of conflict with others, she bit my head off, left the room and slammed the door. We didn't talk for 36 hours. I've also suggested she seek some therapy for her anger, insecurity and temper, and that wasn't received well, either.

Her mother was like this -- alienated a lot of friends throughout her life. I notice that as DW ages, this behavior is becoming more pronounced in her, too.

I worry this will begin to affect the way my own children interact with others. Any suggestions?


You need to address this head on now or your kids will be affected. You are probably the only person that can help her see the patterns and figure out where it is coming from--I assume insecurity and inability to manage her emotions. There is hope though and both of you will be happier if you can face it and fix it NOW.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2018 08:02     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:And you didn't notice the when you all were dating? Before you had kids?


A common trait of BPD is complete ideation at first. During “dating” a new partner may really feel the love


Exactly. For some reason she keeps it together for OP. But his time will come. And he will be hit hard.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2018 07:59     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder


This. Classic symptoms of BPD.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2018 06:57     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am reading this thread I started almost three years ago to the day and on the verge of tears. I am finally taking action. I just cannot believe I continue to live with this for as long as I did. FWIW the marriage therapist thinks she has BPD symptoms as well.


What are you doing?


Individual therapy for now. Possibly a lawyer in 2019


Yiur kids will thank you. I have a BPD mother and it has been years of therapy for me. It is very sad. Be your children's Oasis. Give them a place of refuge. Your wife will not get better, your children will be traumatized. She is abusive, make no mistake. She has weaponized love and guilt.

Do not stay with this woman for thr kids. Leave her for the kids.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2018 06:51     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder


Ding ding ding ding!!!
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2018 06:21     Subject: Re:When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:

Someone in my family is like this. Has alienated nearly everyone in her life. No longer talks to her (only) sibling, no longer allows her husband to talk to one of his closest childhood friends, has had various fallings out over the years. Also will get incredibly huffy and angry over stupid stuff--a mistake that a waiter made with a credit card, any perceived insult (perceived being the key word here).

SHe is not bipolar. Just very immature, with a self-oriented viewpoint and deep need for a particular kind of attention and recognition. In her world view, if you are feeling angry, you are completely justified and it must be the other person's fault. No matter what.

she is also a psychologist.


Same here. But doesn't sweat the small stuff which makes you drink the kool aid. Unchecked mental illness.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2018 10:55     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
I'm sorry OP. This sounds untenable. I'm glad you are getting support.

I don't have the same situation, but my DH does some of that (considers political figures, relatives, and neighbors "idiots" and calls them names if they don't agree with his logic), and it is frustrating to no end. I don't like the example he is setting for our children, and I don't like to engage in any talk with him that might end up with me agreeing with somebody he's called an "idiot" or have him talking down at me. I just don't like it. I get upset to think that he is calling his relatives idiots just because they have different opinions and political ideologies. And compared to your situation it is so small in inconsequential.

Again, I'm sorry you are living with this.
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2018 10:07     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You folks are super quick to Dx someone over the Internet.

Did you ever realize some people are just difficult cranky or have personality traits that are not “disorders” but just not desirable?

Actual narcissistic personality disorder is rare. Being just a plain a-hole is quite common. When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras


Some research indicates that 5-7 percent of American women are NPD/BPD.

Of my five divorced friends, four of the ex-wives showed behaviors consistent with NPD/BPD. The fifth is bi-polar.


Hmmm... well your anecdata is inconsistent with the research to put it mildly. Sounds like you need some new friends.

A good quote from Natalie Portman: "Stop the rhetoric that a woman is crazy or difficult. If a man says to you that a woman is crazy or difficult, ask him, 'What bad thing did you do to her?"
Anonymous
Post 11/25/2018 05:25     Subject: When your spouse seems to have conflict with everyone
Anonymous wrote:Borderline personality disorder


This was my first thought.