Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Kids are 9 (boy), 6 (girl) and 3 (girl) for sister, and two boys, 10 and 4, for cousin.

Also in the mix are my brother's kids, my kids and two cousins, kids, a full range from 6 down to newborn.

So, the girls were upstairs, but there was a toddler in the kitchen. Which of those 5 do you consider to be toddler age, or too young to be in a kitchen?

At that age, with an adult tat least present in the house, even seeping, I would say the 9 and 10 year old (0r 8 and 9 year old at the time) are perfectly capable of doing their own thing and keeping an eye out for emergencies.

Oh, the same 9/10 (8/9 at the time) who ran off and gave everyone a huge scare by hiding under the neighbors' front porch? That one?

Plus what if those kids had just left the house to go play outside? How would they even know to alert the adult if the unsupervised kid in the kitchen or the kids upstairs got into trouble and needed help?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Kids are 9 (boy), 6 (girl) and 3 (girl) for sister, and two boys, 10 and 4, for cousin.

Also in the mix are my brother's kids, my kids and two cousins, kids, a full range from 6 down to newborn.

So, the girls were upstairs, but there was a toddler in the kitchen. Which of those 5 do you consider to be toddler age, or too young to be in a kitchen?

At that age, with an adult tat least present in the house, even seeping, I would say the 9 and 10 year old (0r 8 and 9 year old at the time) are perfectly capable of doing their own thing and keeping an eye out for emergencies.

Everybody deserves a vacation, not just your in-laws with the kids. I finally had to point this out to SIL, who was po'd, but at that point I didn't care. In fact she was already complaining to us that her own parents were refusing to babysit constantly, suggesting that they didn't love her snowflake enough. So I figured I'd join the crowd. Also, my own family was cheering me on. I was pleasant but firm about it to SIL.

But maybe having a crowd on my side made this easier for me than it would be for OP.

In fact, BIL and SIL have their own special twist. They get my older kids to watch their child, and it goes without saying that they never ask us. They just order my kids to play with their cousin, like it's some dereliction on my part for not having given my kids the order already, and then they go back to drinking wine 20 feet away. Or they just sort of drift off while their kid is following ours around. I once made a show, in front of SIL and BIL, of paying my kids for babysitting their cousin for several hours. Sorry for the vent.

Finally DH got involved. He explained to his sister that our kids lead stressful lives as high school students, and they need a break too.

You watch you kids. If cousins are there you manage the dynamic. When your kids are done you send the cousins bel to their parents saying "X and Y are back to you now. We're going for naps." Go with a clear conscience. And yes, discipline your way while you are in charge and if they don't like it they can step in.

Anonymous wrote:OP, as difficult as it may be, just be nice. It sounds like you already are the nice aunt, keep it this way.
If you start drawing lines in the sand now, you sister may say to her kids something like "no you can't go outside because aunt susie will only watch her own kids" or something annoying like that. The kids know what's going on-they will always remember how nice you are to them.
Trust me, btdt, better to just focus on the kids and be nice.

OP, the above is a recipe for becoming a doormat. Focus on the kids and be nice and you'll increasingly find that your lake vacations are worthless because you can't relax for a minute, since you never know when or if you're the adult in charge of other people's children. I'd start having more holidays without these families along, somewhere else.

You mention that everyone else in the family agrees that these particular parents are not doing their job. Have you considered getting all the other adults together and having what my folks would have called a "come to Jesus" talk with the offending parents? Basically, tell them that everyone else sees a problem about which they seem to be oblivious, and that there must be a clearly designated adult in charge, and no more vanishing without speaking directly to another adult and SAYING, "I'm going to the grocery store and expect to be back in about X minutes" and so on.

Are the other adults here, who see the same problem you see, going to be willing to step up and participate in an intervention like that? I think the oblivious parents will need to hear this from everyone at once, not just in bits from various adults. It's confrontational, yes, but it sounds like that may be the only way to put them on notice that the rest of you care about your nieces and nephews but are unwilling to continue with disappearing adults. You should be sure to say that all of the rest of you also will always be clear with them and each other if YOU are the ones leaving, etc.
They'll whine and say they're being attacked and "how dare you criticize us as parents" and all that crap but they're wrong and you are right. Get the other family members behind you. I would have thought that the one kid going missing would have been enough to scare the hell out of these parents but clearly it wasn't.

Anonymous wrote:In our family everyone and nobody watches the kids, all at the same time. The kids are self-policing, and the older ones watch out for the younger ones. If an older one can't control or help a younger then they are escorted to an adult. Any adult will do.

But in general, the kids know to stay away from pools of water by the time they're three and the older ones can be actually trusted to make sure the younger ones do that. Get all the cousin-kids to band together and self-police.

Kids by the time they are 3 have learned to stay away from the pool? You Sound very uneducated. You are lucky no child has ever gotten hurt or drowned in your care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So do they ever act as a supervising adult? Like if you and your DH goes off, can you EVER say, "Hey, sis/cuz, can you keep an eye on Larla and Larlo? I am going to grab a quick nap?". Or are they always gone?

My family (and my in-laws) do this, but it is more of an unspoken understanding that anyone that sees any child is justified in correcting them/keeping them safe, but you have to pull your weight, you know? You can't disappear ALL of the damn time.

Sadly, no...and frankly, with the way they are, I don't know that I'd really trust them to actually watch my kids while I took a walk or anything longer than a quick shower. For example, my older cousin was once "watching her kids" and my sister's kids while my sister napped before my family arrived. My sister and cousins were the only adults there at the time. When I arrived with my then-only child, I found my cousin asleep on the couch, the boys arguing in the back room, the toddler in the kitchen, and my sister's two girls upstairs unsupervised in the (finished) attic area where we keep toys, life jackets...and the old-style tie-on ice skates they were PLAYING WITH. It's just not worth it, and it's a very unbalanced dynamic.

My sister always takes umbrage when I correct her kids, which I only do when I think they are doing something dangerous.

Neglect is a form of child abuse. You are enabling by not being more direct with your sister about what you see.

Anonymous wrote:You can kind of tell by reading this thread who watches their kids and who doesn't...

Yup.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Kids are 9 (boy), 6 (girl) and 3 (girl) for sister, and two boys, 10 and 4, for cousin.

Also in the mix are my brother's kids, my kids and two cousins, kids, a full range from 6 down to newborn.

So, the girls were upstairs, but there was a toddler in the kitchen. Which of those 5 do you consider to be toddler age, or too young to be in a kitchen?

At the time, my cousin's youngest was 2 and was in the kitchen alone.

Read the thread, do the math--cousins youngest 2 at time of this incident=girls upstairs with ice skates were 4 and 1. Do you let your 1-year-old play with ice skate blades? I don't.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So do they ever act as a supervising adult? Like if you and your DH goes off, can you EVER say, "Hey, sis/cuz, can you keep an eye on Larla and Larlo? I am going to grab a quick nap?". Or are they always gone?

My family (and my in-laws) do this, but it is more of an unspoken understanding that anyone that sees any child is justified in correcting them/keeping them safe, but you have to pull your weight, you know? You can't disappear ALL of the damn time.

Sadly, no...and frankly, with the way they are, I don't know that I'd really trust them to actually watch my kids while I took a walk or anything longer than a quick shower. For example, my older cousin was once "watching her kids" and my sister's kids while my sister napped before my family arrived. My sister and cousins were the only adults there at the time. When I arrived with my then-only child, I found my cousin asleep on the couch, the boys arguing in the back room, the toddler in the kitchen, and my sister's two girls upstairs unsupervised in the (finished) attic area where we keep toys, life jackets...and the old-style tie-on ice skates they were PLAYING WITH. It's just not worth it, and it's a very unbalanced dynamic.

My sister always takes umbrage when I correct her kids, which I only do when I think they are doing something dangerous.

I read the OP, and pictured toddlers running around unsupervised by a lake, and was clearly horrified. But here you seem horrified that kids, who were older than toddler age were alone in a finished room playing with toys and sporting equipment. It makes me wonder if you're a hypervigilant parent who is judging other parents for not living up to your standards.

OP, can you clarify how old these kids are, and whether the parents are leaving them outside or inside and "expecting" you to watch them?

Yea...that's what I thought too...she sounds like she thinks kids she be watched constantly...as in followed around...

Do you people not get that AT THE TIME OF THAT INCIDENT, the kids were younger than they are now by 2 years? Either way, the sister who left to take a nap asked cousin to watch the kids, cousin falls asleep, too? Lake anywhere nearby, and this is a big no.

Watch your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So do they ever act as a supervising adult? Like if you and your DH goes off, can you EVER say, "Hey, sis/cuz, can you keep an eye on Larla and Larlo? I am going to grab a quick nap?". Or are they always gone?

My family (and my in-laws) do this, but it is more of an unspoken understanding that anyone that sees any child is justified in correcting them/keeping them safe, but you have to pull your weight, you know? You can't disappear ALL of the damn time.

Sadly, no...and frankly, with the way they are, I don't know that I'd really trust them to actually watch my kids while I took a walk or anything longer than a quick shower. For example, my older cousin was once "watching her kids" and my sister's kids while my sister napped before my family arrived. My sister and cousins were the only adults there at the time. When I arrived with my then-only child, I found my cousin asleep on the couch, the boys arguing in the back room, the toddler in the kitchen, and my sister's two girls upstairs unsupervised in the (finished) attic area where we keep toys, life jackets...and the old-style tie-on ice skates they were PLAYING WITH. It's just not worth it, and it's a very unbalanced dynamic.

My sister always takes umbrage when I correct her kids, which I only do when I think they are doing something dangerous.

I read the OP, and pictured toddlers running around unsupervised by a lake, and was clearly horrified. But here you seem horrified that kids, who were older than toddler age were alone in a finished room playing with toys and sporting equipment. It makes me wonder if you're a hypervigilant parent who is judging other parents for not living up to your standards.

OP, can you clarify how old these kids are, and whether the parents are leaving them outside or inside and "expecting" you to watch them?

Yea...that's what I thought too...she sounds like she thinks kids she be watched constantly...as in followed around...

Anonymous wrote:This is my in-laws to a T. I can't count the number of times I've stopped someone else's child from wandering into a street. Now I'm the parent of the youngest niece/nephew and dreading the years of being the only parent to be with the kids since mine is young enough to need supervision and others have shown already they don't supervise their children, even when they are under 3. Regardless of the other children's ages, there is always a fight, or someone getting hurt (no hospital visits yet). So yeah, I think other parents should be watching their kids evn though they're up to age 12. I like the idea of creating a schedule in advance of who is watching the kids when. Then, everyone knows what to expect. The challenge with this is if you don't trust someone to watch the kids...then it is probably better to just watch them yourself.

Sad but true!