Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just have to say that this exact same post pops up a few times a year, with details changed. Always a woman in deep water with a boyfriend who somehow "discovers" that she was more sexually adventurous with a prior partner, but waited a long time to sleep with her current BF and is less adventurous, BF is upset and threatens to break up, blah blah blah. So I don't believe this thread is real. It's designed to create the same debate that always ensues.

What guy would ask, before proposing to his GF, if there is anything in her past that would embarrass him? Regardless, I would have believed the OP was for real if I hadn't seen this exact post again and again.

Yeah, it's the same old troll back again.

x a million
(and why was my similar earlier post removed??)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just have to say that this exact same post pops up a few times a year, with details changed. Always a woman in deep water with a boyfriend who somehow "discovers" that she was more sexually adventurous with a prior partner, but waited a long time to sleep with her current BF and is less adventurous, BF is upset and threatens to break up, blah blah blah. So I don't believe this thread is real. It's designed to create the same debate that always ensues.

What guy would ask, before proposing to his GF, if there is anything in her past that would embarrass him? Regardless, I would have believed the OP was for real if I hadn't seen this exact post again and again.

Unfortunately, I think all these posts are real. It's society that's sad, when women have less license to be adventurous than men.

No, it's that she lied to her BF and when the truth comes out in a public way, besides being totally embarrassed, he feels like he's been played.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.

I think you should break up. You betrayed him by lying about your past, and he caught you in that lie. Moreover, he is right to be embarrassed that he didn't know that you had lied about your ex-boyfriend and the nature of your "friendship."

Look, your current relationship is based on a huge lie about who you are as a person. You lied about your sexual past in order to mold yourself into something you thought would be more palatable to him. How is this a healthy relationship at all? You have never been your true self in it.

+1. Your lies were tremendous. Your only hope to save this relationship is to show him through your actions that you are willing to be completely open and honest with him and show that you will continue to do that. You have to apologize that you were wrong to hide things from him and give him a chance to ask any questions he wants about your past relationships. You have to answer all details. Yes, he may indeed judge you. That will just show that you two may not be right for each other. He has a right to his sexuality and view of morality just as much as you do. When you lie or try to portray yourself differently from what appears on the surface, you are manipulating him into making a choice YOU want. That is the most corrosive disrespectful thing in a relationship. You have to show him you are willing to tell the truth even when it is painful to you.

Honestly, if your boyfriend were my son, I would tell him that this incident is a REALLY bad way to begin a life together and that he should consider breaking up or, at the least, moving out. You two need a MUCH longer time spent in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship honestly expressing your views on a host of issues, without the pressures of living together.

I really couldn't disagree more about this. This only makes sense if you think threesomes are some terrible sin.

SHE LIED ABOUT THE EX-BOYFRIEND!

Jesus, stop fixating on the threesome. She lied about it, yes, but the bigger problem all along has been the fact that it was with someone they were hanging out with as a "friend." Her fiance deserved a heads-up about THAT.

Anonymous wrote:I dont think she needs to be ashamed of her sexual past or even of not disclosing it. But to lie about the ex as just a friend, and have them hang out?
well, I'd be furious if a guy I dated introduced me to one of his 'friends' and it turned out that they used to fuck a lot. I would feel humiliated and betrayed. Just a simple "head's up, we used to date" is fine, details not really necessary.

Exactly this is the issue. Funny how people choose to focus on the threesome.
Which is funny because OP was the one to act like her sexual past was a problem, she could have said I used to fuck around a lot, rather not go into details, and if he had an issue with that she could have moved on. The end. She chose to play "demure" as she called it, because she thought it would make him like her better and now she's upset she got caught in her lies.

Anonymous wrote:The relationship with your current boyfriend won't progress. Don't be surprised when he distances himself

In the future, start associating with the right people and do not share such details with other women. Other women, as you've found, can be nasty.

If you're that upset, get the ex gf back. Hurt her 100x harder.

No. Don't be stupid.

Just cut off all communication with her. She is dead to you. Do not reduce yourself by getting revenge with this sad, vindictive person. Let karma deal with it.

The relationship with your current boyfriend won't progress. Don't be surprised when he distances himself

In the future, start associating with the right people and do not share such details with other women. Other women, as you've found, can be nasty.

If you're that upset, get the ex gf back. Hurt her 100x harder.

I dont think she needs to be ashamed of her sexual past or even of not disclosing it. But to lie about the ex as just a friend, and have them hang out?
well, I'd be furious if a guy I dated introduced me to one of his 'friends' and it turned out that they used to fuck a lot. I would feel humiliated and betrayed. Just a simple "head's up, we used to date" is fine, details not really necessary.

He's not dwelling on the threesome. He's humiliated because he has been hanging out with the guy who spit-roasted his fiancee with one of his buddies and had no idea about it until the drunk girl spilled the beans. He feels like a chump and an idiot. THAT is the problem.

Add in the rest of her half-truths and omissions and it's clear that he just doesn't think he can trust her.

This just gets my goat. Some guys seem to want a woman who is absolutely wild and amazing in bed but they don't want her to have the sexual history most women require to develop all those amazing skills between the sheets.

OP, screw this guy (figuratively, not literally, he doesn't deserve sex with you at this point). You didn't lie, you just didn't share details with him that he isn't entitled to. Would it have been better if you'd stated up front that you don't do the kiss and tell sharing of past sexual activity? Sure, but he also didn't ask a straight forward "have you done xyz" question, he asked a pretty loaded, judgy, question. If you're comfortable with your past activity, why would you consider it "an embarrassment to our future"?

Also, just because you've done things in the past doesn't mean you are comfortable with or want to do them now and you don't owe him that. He isn't entitled to get to perform every sex act with you that you've done with others.

Based on his reaction, he's probably going to use anything you do confide in him now against you. IF you decide to proceed with this talk he wants to have, prepare to have everything you say weaponized and thrown back in your face. And he's still probably going to dump you, just after a suitable amount of time filled with shame and nastiness towards you has passed.

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you want to experiment with your current guy? That seems like a big red flag of something. Of course he's going to feel awful that you've been there and done that with someone else. Not because you've got experience. But because you won't try with him. He's going to think something is wrong with him. I think you really need to figure out why you wouldn't do that.....and then be able to articulate it to him.

Otherwise, I personally think sexual history is private and I would not get into a play-by-play about past experiences just to calm his ego.

Maybe she did it to please her then boyfriend, but they really weren't things she enjoyed? Maybe she loves her current sex life and is hesitant to introduce things she knows she doesn't enjoy as much.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she lie? I think it's normal to not get into every gory detail about your prior sex life.

"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."

It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.

I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.

A lie of omission is a lie. And yes, if you introduce your ex-boyfriend, with whom you had threesomes, to your current boyfriend as your "good friend" - that does count as a lie. That's not a gory detail.

And asking if there were anything potentially embarrassing, and having her not tell him about the ex and the threesomes, thus allowing some drunk ex-friend of hers to blurt it out in public? That would embarrass anyone, not just people from snooty backgrounds. Forewarned is forearmed. He gave her the chance to be open and honest. Had she been, the drunken episode in the bar wouldn't have embarrassed either of them.

And if you think that having some loud drunkard talking about your sexual past in public isn't embarrassing to almost everyone? You must have a very thick skin indeed.

It's only a lie if you think that there is some shameful about a threesome. Not everyone is that uptight.

On the other hand, she should have mentioned that her "good friend" was a boyfriend at some point. That would have made the threesome revelation less problematic.

Unless her good friend is already acquainted with her fiance, I don't think it will be that big of a deal. The worst case would be if they were coworkers or friends. Guys usually don't like it when their girls have slept with people that they know.

I agree that not everyone is uptight, but OP knew her bf was and lied to him.

If he asked her if she had a threesome and she said "no," that would be a lie. Asking if there is anything that could "embarrass" them is rather vague and subjective. I would not personally care that much if my gf had a threesome in the past. If she had a felony, that would be embarrassing.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're not going to recover from this one. If you don't break up with him, he's going to shove that threesome down your throat for the rest of your life. You don't deserve that. You didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't have the right to all of that information about your sexual past. A relationship is not a deposition. Unfortunately, your fiancé thinks he has a right to it. So, it's time to let him go. He's a jerk. Be glad that you figured it out before it's too late.

+1 millions times.

OP, you're not going to recover from this one. If you don't break up with him, he's going to shove that threesome down your throat for the rest of your life. You don't deserve that. You didn't do anything wrong. He doesn't have the right to all of that information about your sexual past. A relationship is not a deposition. Unfortunately, your fiancé thinks he has a right to it. So, it's time to let him go. He's a jerk. Be glad that you figured it out before it's too late.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did she lie? I think it's normal to not get into every gory detail about your prior sex life.

"I remember him asking me if there was anything in my past that could be an embarrassment to our future."

It sounds like you're marrying a guy from a pretty snooty background. This isn't a question that regular guys ask.

I am a guy, and I don't think this really needs to be a big deal, but if you want to marry into some high-society family, where keeping up appearances means everything, get used to being judged and critiqued.

A lie of omission is a lie. And yes, if you introduce your ex-boyfriend, with whom you had threesomes, to your current boyfriend as your "good friend" - that does count as a lie. That's not a gory detail.

And asking if there were anything potentially embarrassing, and having her not tell him about the ex and the threesomes, thus allowing some drunk ex-friend of hers to blurt it out in public? That would embarrass anyone, not just people from snooty backgrounds. Forewarned is forearmed. He gave her the chance to be open and honest. Had she been, the drunken episode in the bar wouldn't have embarrassed either of them.

And if you think that having some loud drunkard talking about your sexual past in public isn't embarrassing to almost everyone? You must have a very thick skin indeed.

It's only a lie if you think that there is some shameful about a threesome. Not everyone is that uptight.

On the other hand, she should have mentioned that her "good friend" was a boyfriend at some point. That would have made the threesome revelation less problematic.

Unless her good friend is already acquainted with her fiance, I don't think it will be that big of a deal. The worst case would be if they were coworkers or friends. Guys usually don't like it when their girls have slept with people that they know.

I agree that not everyone is uptight, but OP knew her bf was and lied to him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi everybody, I am really in a bind here and not sure what to do.

I think you should break up. You betrayed him by lying about your past, and he caught you in that lie. Moreover, he is right to be embarrassed that he didn't know that you had lied about your ex-boyfriend and the nature of your "friendship."

Look, your current relationship is based on a huge lie about who you are as a person. You lied about your sexual past in order to mold yourself into something you thought would be more palatable to him. How is this a healthy relationship at all? You have never been your true self in it.

+1. Your lies were tremendous. Your only hope to save this relationship is to show him through your actions that you are willing to be completely open and honest with him and show that you will continue to do that. You have to apologize that you were wrong to hide things from him and give him a chance to ask any questions he wants about your past relationships. You have to answer all details. Yes, he may indeed judge you. That will just show that you two may not be right for each other. He has a right to his sexuality and view of morality just as much as you do. When you lie or try to portray yourself differently from what appears on the surface, you are manipulating him into making a choice YOU want. That is the most corrosive disrespectful thing in a relationship. You have to show him you are willing to tell the truth even when it is painful to you.

Honestly, if your boyfriend were my son, I would tell him that this incident is a REALLY bad way to begin a life together and that he should consider breaking up or, at the least, moving out. You two need a MUCH longer time spent in a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship honestly expressing your views on a host of issues, without the pressures of living together.

I really couldn't disagree more about this. This only makes sense if you think threesomes are some terrible sin.