Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

Anonymous wrote:Just got off a speakerphone call with my ILs. They told us DH's aunt has early-stage, treatable breast cancer that we have every reason to be optimistic about. We are of course sad, but thankful for the silver linings here. MIL then says, "Well, Kate, I don't know if you know much about breast cancer, but it does run in our family."

Why yes, I do know a little something...on account of my mother having it. Radiation and a lumpectomy and a precautionary hysterectomy. Which I have talked to my ILs about. At length.

I'm shocked, but I shouldn't be. They never listen to me. They know virtually nothing about me and my family, despite me answering any question they've ever asked, and volunteering info when I try to be part of their conversations. They don't listen, and wonder why we are not close.

Sorry. This just made me feel awful, on top of hearing this unfortunate news, and I needed to vent.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL visibly clenches up anytime I dare to mention my family in front of her. She MUCH prefers to pretend they don't exist. She sometimes inquires about them, mostly as a tit-for-tat score keeping mission, but not because she actually cares what my answer is.

My family makes the a candy around Xmas, and every year I bring them to my in-laws. Every time, my MIL asks what it is. Every time. It's been 6 years of me explaining what it is and how we make it every year. And this point the willful ignorance is bordering on aggressive.

Part of this is that I've watched my own mother bend over backwards to accommodate all the new spouses into our family. My SIL's family has mexican food on Xmas eve, so whenever she's with us for Xmas eve, we have Mexican food. My BIL loves a certain kind of beer and potato chips, so my mother always has it when he comes over. My DH loves scotch and football, so she always tells him to get a drink and to go turn the game on when he comes over. I hope I can take after her when I'm a MIL one day and do my best to expand and include, instead of expecting my new kids-in-laws to Learn My Way.

Anonymous wrote:This is 13:27 again. I'm so happy your aunt-in-law called out your MIL, OP. It feels good when others see the absurdity, too!

Hopefully, you gleaned some new coping tools from this thread. It takes a freaking village.

My best -

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

Thank you Auntie! It's nice to know you aren't the crazy one, isn't it OP? So glad she said exactly what was going through your mind. I hope she's healthy soon.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw them all this weekend at a family reunion. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better...

My ILs and my husband's aunt (my FIL's sister, the one who has cancer) were talking about it, and I asked a few questions and offered my aunt-in-law my support. She was very kind, and we hugged.

MIL started up, again, with the whole, "Well, I don't know if you've had any experience with breast cancer, Kate, but in OUR family [meaning actually in her husband's family]..."

And the AUNT interrupted and said, "Of course she knows! Her mom had breast cancer. We talked about it at Thanksgiving not too long ago. Your mom had a lumpectomy, right, Kate?"

And MIL just stood there.

So I didn't have to say/do anything, and the point was made. I am so in love with my aunt-in-law for remembering, including me in the conversation, and making all sorts of efforts to actually make me feel like part of the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Except a HUGE portion of breast cancers happen to women with absolutely NO family history.

So true. I think more women need to realize this!

And it sounds like OP had already talked to her ILs about family history; too bad the MIL treated it like a one-sided conversation...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Except a HUGE portion of breast cancers happen to women with absolutely NO family history.

Anonymous wrote:She's letting you know it runs in HER family, for purposes of your childrens' health. That has nothing to do with whether it runs in YOUR family. She's telling you something to help your kids have a full picture of their health risks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. Thanks for that nice and thoughtful post. That is good advice.

A couple issues at play: this is not her own sister, and she habitually "forgets"/doesn't take in information about me and my family (and never wants to talk about my family in an oddly controlling/way). I need to try to separate the past hurts/"incidents" out from this one, and just deal with this scenario as this scenario. I really will try. I am bracing myself. I see them on Friday.

Weird things...like they have asked me several times where my parents grew up, and seem interested in my mom's military medical officer-family background, which included the fact that she lived in Alaska before it was a state. We've discussed this numerous times over the years. And when they went on an Alaska cruise, they went on and on about this town and that town, including my mom's "Alaska hometown." And I said yes, I've seen/heard a lot about Anchorage, since my mom lived there. "What, your mom lived there? When?" Rrrrrgh!

It comes up sometimes that both my husband's sister and my own brother are gay. They always ask "how my parents took it." We've talked NUMEROUS TIMES about how they took it completely in stride, with love and acceptance, and they always act shocked about that, because "aren't they Republican Catholics?" RRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.

So yes, I need to prepare myself for this to come up again this weekend, and just prepare in general to feel like they ignore, discount and don't care about me as a person/individual in my own right, beyond being the mother of their grandchild and the "vessel" for their new grandchild...

Thank you, seriously. Your post was really helpful.