Anonymous
10/01/2015 20:11
Subject: Re:S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
NP here -- to all the PPs who suggest the OP is somehow at fault for getting serious with a guy whose family she had never met -- I once unknowingly dated a married man, and I had met his parents numerous times! He was military and the woman he told me was his ex-wife was stationed somewhere else. They had two kids together and she had custody of the kids. His parents allegedly didn't like the wife and so were happy when he started dating me. I learned he was married when I found him on Facebook years later and saw a photo of him with 4 kids. I asked if he got remarried and he admitted that he and his wife had 2 more kids and had never been divorced.
Also, OP, definitely don't respond to the wife in this situation. You've told her everything she needs to know. You have moved on with your life and are free from this mess...don't allow yourself to be dragged back into it.
Also, OP, definitely don't respond to the wife in this situation. You've told her everything she needs to know. You have moved on with your life and are free from this mess...don't allow yourself to be dragged back into it.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:54
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Same thing happened to me, he had 4 kids, 6'2" 220, first name Did no begin with T. Dated a year, met colleagues, and his wife found out. Suspect he's done this before. We met at the gym.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:53
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...
Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.
My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.
Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.
Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen
Did you just fall off the turnip truck?
Op here. Clearly, you are here to be an asshole. I spent all my holidays with my parents out of state. I had no interest in meeting his family at that point and had no reason to think there was any hurry. I was 26, building my career in a tough field, and just happy to be with someone who was fun, loving, and put no pressure on me.
Since you are an asshole, I am sure that you assume everyone you meet is an asshole too. I am not an asshole and I had no reason to doubt him.
I am not an asshole but really. But I know lots of women who are smart about work and dumb about men. You need to ensure the person you are dating isn't using you.
No wonder men get away with this crap. I bang you but I have no interest in spending important days with you or meeting your parents or having you meet my parents.
Here is a new dating rule for you. You don't get serious with a person unless you have met his family. If you want to just bang guys don't get all emotional with you get used.
Op here. I hope being a jerk to someone online has made your day better.
OP, I'm the longwinded sympathetic pp. While this person has been an asshole in how they talk to you, there are nuggets of truth here. I highlighted one. You said you were 26 when this happened--as I said I was near 30 and this was my first relationship with someone I hadn't known in HS or college. Dating other adults with long and invisible pasts is a different ballgame. The best way I found to smell cheaters was whether I could see their web of connections to family and friends and community. If a person made that evident without a second thought they were essentially honest. If they made any effort to conceal it...ask why.
I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.
Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".
Quoted pp here. I don't disagree with anything you say. Most cheaters are run of the mill by definition. I never claimed to have The Secret To Not Getting Cheated On. Sociopaths gonna sociopath and sounds like you and op got doozies in that dept. I'm talking more about how this experience opens ones eyes to a reality about people you never imagined. That was me, and op too. I think it's sort of like how women who have never lost a pregnancy experience their pregnancies differently from women who have. You may know intellectually that shit happens like cheating and miscarriages, but that knowledge is nothing like the knowledge you get from living it. That roller coaster feeling is what movies and music tell us love is. But it's really the feeling of lies, as you say. Love feels like standing on a big rock, not slipping around on pebbles.
People willing to lie for them is a whole other level of pathological. Coworkers no less! Damn.
To your point about remote family, they should still be interacting transparently with them. I'm not near my family but nobody who dated me was in the dark about their existence. Being comfortable enough to talk to your parents or siblings in the presence of an AP you're trying to keep in the dark is super advanced sociopathy. Run of the mill cheaters couldn't do it. My sociopath couldn't do it. Maybe yours or OPs could?
PP here. We only dated a few months, so not ready to meet family. But he would "talk" to his brother on the phone when I was around. There was a elaborate story about how he was hop-scotching in his single engine plane from the West Coast to the East Coast for 4th of July. It was a week to 10 day long saga as he had engine problems along the way. So I would hear very specific details about his arduous journey. Then I got daily updates during the 4th of July holiday about what they were doing with his kids. When I talked with the wife, turns out the whole story was lie. Every single thing was a lie. And a stupid lie with no reason. Most people lie to not get caught or get in trouble. This guy lied just for fun.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:45
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.
Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".
Op here. See, I think these men's friends must be sociopaths too. How do men just smile in a woman's face knowing their buddy has a wife at home and then go smile in the wife's face too. The guys who covered up for my nasty ex actually baffle me more. Why not just stay out of it, instead of coming to hang out with me? What were they getting out of helping him dupe the women in his life?
The married guy I dated was definitely in "super cheater" territory. He was so caring and supportive. We were making plans for the new year and talking about the future.
PP here. Yep, total sociopaths, all of them. My super cheater was so attentive. He was talking about the future. Looking back, it was a schtick for him. He had to work hard for me, because I didn't fall for it. I was leaving the area to go to grad school. I was just looking for a fun relationship until I left. He kept telling me his company was bidding on various contracts. When they won, he would hire me and we'd move to X state or X country so we could be together. I kept telling him his was crazy. But in a different time in my life, I totally would have eaten that up!
As for the wife. I'm so glad I talked with my super cheater's wife. Based on my experience, I would talk or meet with her. If you are worried she is a nut case. Get a throw away Google number or a burner phone. Most likely she is just in a lot of pain and needs to talk with someone who knew her husband in a way no one else will understand.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:34
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...
Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.
My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.
Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.
Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen
Did you just fall off the turnip truck?
Op here. Clearly, you are here to be an asshole. I spent all my holidays with my parents out of state. I had no interest in meeting his family at that point and had no reason to think there was any hurry. I was 26, building my career in a tough field, and just happy to be with someone who was fun, loving, and put no pressure on me.
Since you are an asshole, I am sure that you assume everyone you meet is an asshole too. I am not an asshole and I had no reason to doubt him.
I am not an asshole but really. But I know lots of women who are smart about work and dumb about men. You need to ensure the person you are dating isn't using you.
No wonder men get away with this crap. I bang you but I have no interest in spending important days with you or meeting your parents or having you meet my parents.
Here is a new dating rule for you. You don't get serious with a person unless you have met his family. If you want to just bang guys don't get all emotional with you get used.
Op here. I hope being a jerk to someone online has made your day better.
OP, I'm the longwinded sympathetic pp. While this person has been an asshole in how they talk to you, there are nuggets of truth here. I highlighted one. You said you were 26 when this happened--as I said I was near 30 and this was my first relationship with someone I hadn't known in HS or college. Dating other adults with long and invisible pasts is a different ballgame. The best way I found to smell cheaters was whether I could see their web of connections to family and friends and community. If a person made that evident without a second thought they were essentially honest. If they made any effort to conceal it...ask why.
I'm the PP that unknowingly dated a married guy with 3 kids. How can you meet their family if he isn't from around here? The OP said she met his friends. I met my guy through work and knew many of his colleagues. They all knew we were dating (and that he was married). And even when I asked them if he was married, many just lied to me. We were semi-long distance and only dating a few months. So too soon to be meeting his kids and his Mom lived on the West Coast.
Yes, the techniques you mentioned work for run-of-the-mill cheaters. But super-cheater...they are in a league all by themselves. You really don't know what it is like until you get tangled up with them. They are so-so-so good at what they do. I luckily had my instinct that was quietly trying to warn me. But good liars are so good at lying. They get you all twisted up that you can't see straight. It's not until you are out that you realize "Oh that twisted up feeling isn't LOVE, it's lies".
Quoted pp here. I don't disagree with anything you say. Most cheaters are run of the mill by definition. I never claimed to have The Secret To Not Getting Cheated On. Sociopaths gonna sociopath and sounds like you and op got doozies in that dept. I'm talking more about how this experience opens ones eyes to a reality about people you never imagined. That was me, and op too. I think it's sort of like how women who have never lost a pregnancy experience their pregnancies differently from women who have. You may know intellectually that shit happens like cheating and miscarriages, but that knowledge is nothing like the knowledge you get from living it. That roller coaster feeling is what movies and music tell us love is. But it's really the feeling of lies, as you say. Love feels like standing on a big rock, not slipping around on pebbles.
People willing to lie for them is a whole other level of pathological. Coworkers no less! Damn.
To your point about remote family, they should still be interacting transparently with them. I'm not near my family but nobody who dated me was in the dark about their existence. Being comfortable enough to talk to your parents or siblings in the presence of an AP you're trying to keep in the dark is super advanced sociopathy. Run of the mill cheaters couldn't do it. My sociopath couldn't do it. Maybe yours or OPs could?
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:34
Subject: Re:S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?
Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.
You thought he was completely single with no action ever?
You seriously can't see the difference between dating a single guy who is dating other single women and dating a married guy who didn't know is married (and his wife also doesn't know he is dating other women). You seriously can't see the difference?!?!?!
I can see it is different for the wife. But I don't see a difference with just a girlfriend who makes no effort to ensure they are monogamous.
I actually get super frustrated at my girlfriends who act all feminist then cry in their wine when they realize they weren't the "only one". You can't just assume you are the only one. Not sure how a piece of paper makes him sleeping with other more awful for the OW.
((eye roll))
For me, when I was dating the married guy with 3 kids, we did have the talk about being momogamous. I told him that I only sleep with (thus date) one person at a time. He agreed with me. Turns out his sweet Christian wife was holding up her wifely duties and also having sex with him 3 times a week.
So it is more hurtful that he was married instead of having another girlfriend?
PP here, I've been cheated on. Being cheated on hurts, really hurts. What this married guy did was a whole 'nother level. Everything was a lie, almost every story he told. He even lied about where he went to college, why would he do that? It makes you doubt EVERYTHING. When you meet someone and they say "Hi, my name is Sally and I'm from NYC." How do you know her name is Sally and that she's really from NYC? Basic interaction are doubted.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:34
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
I would not meet her or contact her. I think you have provided enough for her and it's healthier for you to move on. I am also not sure if she has the best intentions. Although it's been a couple years maybe it took her that time to completely fall apart and then come after you.
Be smart and safe and move on!
Goodluck!
Signed a married woman
Be smart and safe and move on!
Goodluck!
Signed a married woman
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:23
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Pp who said that men have each other's backs is completely right. I have learned that men support and enable each other in ways that women never would. I cannot think of a single girlfriend of mine who would cover for me, much less meet and hang out with the other man, if I was married and pretending to be single.
PP who is acting confused about how what happened to me and other women in this thread is different from discovering that your casual date is dating others: please just stop. First of all, we were monogamous. I have no idea why you think one has to be hanging out with a man's family regularly and practically living in the small town where he's originally from in order to expect monogamy. Your posts are just so weird.
Your monogamous but not committed? So no meeting family, no vacations... Okay?
Girls don't "cover" for their friends because when a women acts like this man the woman ends up hurt and we care about our girlfriends. When men act this way they only hurt the women in their life.
If you had a good girlfriend in your life she probably would gave figured it out and told you.
Op here. You are clearly not reading along. I said we took trips together. Please go somewhere.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:21
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Pp who said that men have each other's backs is completely right. I have learned that men support and enable each other in ways that women never would. I cannot think of a single girlfriend of mine who would cover for me, much less meet and hang out with the other man, if I was married and pretending to be single.
PP who is acting confused about how what happened to me and other women in this thread is different from discovering that your casual date is dating others: please just stop. First of all, we were monogamous. I have no idea why you think one has to be hanging out with a man's family regularly and practically living in the small town where he's originally from in order to expect monogamy. Your posts are just so weird.
Your monogamous but not committed? So no meeting family, no vacations... Okay?
Girls don't "cover" for their friends because when a women acts like this man the woman ends up hurt and we care about our girlfriends. When men act this way they only hurt the women in their life.
If you had a good girlfriend in your life she probably would gave figured it out and told you.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:21
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
^Why do you care so much if it hurts more that the man had a wife instead of another girlfriend? Move on.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:17
Subject: Re:S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why is this any different than dating a guy who is dating others?
Did you discuss being monogamous. Did you think he was completely single when you met him. I don't really know anybody who does not at least have a friends with benefits on speed dial.
You thought he was completely single with no action ever?
You seriously can't see the difference between dating a single guy who is dating other single women and dating a married guy who didn't know is married (and his wife also doesn't know he is dating other women). You seriously can't see the difference?!?!?!
I can see it is different for the wife. But I don't see a difference with just a girlfriend who makes no effort to ensure they are monogamous.
I actually get super frustrated at my girlfriends who act all feminist then cry in their wine when they realize they weren't the "only one". You can't just assume you are the only one. Not sure how a piece of paper makes him sleeping with other more awful for the OW.
((eye roll))
For me, when I was dating the married guy with 3 kids, we did have the talk about being momogamous. I told him that I only sleep with (thus date) one person at a time. He agreed with me. Turns out his sweet Christian wife was holding up her wifely duties and also having sex with him 3 times a week.
So it is more hurtful that he was married instead of having another girlfriend?
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:13
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Maybe your tell-all made it impossible for the marriage to recover and she is out to get you. She seemed imbalanced before, why would you want to risk it? Be smart for once and do not reply or resume communications with this woman or your ex-boyfriend.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:06
Subject: Re:S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
There is nothing you can do to help her that a gf or therapist can't do. Yes it could be a trick.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:05
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
1. It might be a trap.
2. Even if she is sincere, what do you have to gain from getting involved in their drama?
Surprised it took so many posters before someone mention this.
Op here. You are both so right. My heart makes me want to be there for her in some kind of way because I could have used a shoulder to cry on after I found out. But I don't need some vengeful wife trying to get back at me. Women are so hard on other women. Although I do think it would be weird for her to be surfacing after all this time just for revenge. Wouldn't she have gotten revenge on me two years ago, if she wanted it?
I think this is overly paranoid. What on earth could she be "tricking" you into? You can't owe her any money, there is no legal thing you would be in trouble for.
Anonymous
10/01/2015 19:04
Subject: S/O I was the OW and I told the wife
Great plot for a Lifetime movie.