Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 12:54     Subject: Re:Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Married Male for over 30 yrs.

Some of you don't think I tried communicating a million times with my low libido wife !!!!!!!!!!

She doesn't put the blame on anything, never has. She has never once , ever, ever, told me why she won't have sex with me. Never once gave an explanation, just simply said no. End of story. No conversation about it AT. All. She agreed to go to a sex therapist with me years ago. First time there and the Therapists realized she needed some extra attention. She went one time solo and then refused to ever go back.


I come here to vent. Others come here to vent. Leave us poor SOBs alone and let us vent. Many of you have NO fricken idea how hard it is on us. Some of us need to vent or "whine" as you say. Many of us are not going to divorce our SO over lack of sex only. If there were other things going on, then yes, I would divorce her. Meanwhile, please let me vent.


Go jerk off and stop whining. It's so goddam unattractive, maybe that's why she won't fuck you.


Says somebody who doesn't like sex.


Whatever you have to say to rationalize...


Huh? You make no sense. Anybody who likes sex would never tell somebody whose spouse is rejecting them sexually to stop whining and go masturbate. Only people who don't like sex will think and sex between two people is unimportant.


Not the PP you are responding to but like, this entire exchange is stupid. I like sex but can think of scenarios where I would not be into it and if my DH threw a tantrum about it I would feel like he should stop whining and go take care of it himself. You can not want to have sex for a given period of time AND still like sex. Humans are complicated, which is why these conversations are so annoying and reductive. You make it JUST about sex when its almost always about more than sex.

I continually wonder how you people would respond if you were paralyzed or something but your low libido spouse stood by you and loved and cared for you even though sex was no longer part of the equation. Or how you would handle it if it was reversed and they physically were just unable to provide that to you. Would you walk away because they couldn't put out enough?
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 12:49     Subject: Re:Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Married Male for over 30 yrs.

Some of you don't think I tried communicating a million times with my low libido wife !!!!!!!!!!

She doesn't put the blame on anything, never has. She has never once , ever, ever, told me why she won't have sex with me. Never once gave an explanation, just simply said no. End of story. No conversation about it AT. All. She agreed to go to a sex therapist with me years ago. First time there and the Therapists realized she needed some extra attention. She went one time solo and then refused to ever go back.


I come here to vent. Others come here to vent. Leave us poor SOBs alone and let us vent. Many of you have NO fricken idea how hard it is on us. Some of us need to vent or "whine" as you say. Many of us are not going to divorce our SO over lack of sex only. If there were other things going on, then yes, I would divorce her. Meanwhile, please let me vent.


Go jerk off and stop whining. It's so goddam unattractive, maybe that's why she won't fuck you.


Says somebody who doesn't like sex.


Whatever you have to say to rationalize...


Huh? You make no sense. Anybody who likes sex would never tell somebody whose spouse is rejecting them sexually to stop whining and go masturbate. Only people who don't like sex will think and sex between two people is unimportant.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 12:33     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.


QFT. Very well put and succinct summation of the problem from the HD perspective. No doubt some LD spouse will come back with some bitter retort, but it's hard to argue that what you wrote isn't objectively true.


That PP you're quoting ended a relationship over it. That was the responsible thing to do if weren't compatible in that way. It also doesn't sound like they married that person but made sexual compatibility a priority BEFORE committing to a lifetime with someone.


Probably all true, but still mostly speculative on your part and does nothing to refute her point.


What is her point? That refusing affection to a spouse is abusive? I agree with that in some contexts. For example a marriage where one party is maliciously holding back affection to control the other party's actions. But if you marry someone who is less affectionate than you/wants less sex than you than it is abusive to hold them to standards you knew they were incapable of meeting. If you marry someone and are having relationship problems and this results in lower libido for your spouse and you tell them that their withholding of sex is the cause of all the problems (when in fact its just a symptom) than I would argue that maybe YOU are the abusive one.

Taking a long hard and honest look at sexual compatibility prior to marriage is just as important as discussing finances and whether you want children. And fostering an ongoing and healthy conversation about those aspects of your life and not letting resentment build is responsible stewardship of a relationship. The PP seems to have done that. You seem to want to say that if she had married the guy and then cheated on him then she would be in the right because he was abusive. In reality, he seems to have been himself, lower libido and not super comfortable discussing it. She realized they were incompatible and ended the relationship (with a child involved so couldn't have been an easy decision but she still made the right and responsible one). She didn't justify cheating.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 12:23     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.


QFT. Very well put and succinct summation of the problem from the HD perspective. No doubt some LD spouse will come back with some bitter retort, but it's hard to argue that what you wrote isn't objectively true.


+ 100
which is why I have no guilt cheating. I won't divorce someone I love. She unilaterally decided very little sex, then I get to decide unilaterally that I get it some place else.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 12:16     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:I ended a relationship over lack of sex. We discussed how important sex was to me. I was young and ignored the early signs of his diminishing interest in sex. He got more withdrawn when I tried to talk to him about it. Not having a high sex drive seemed to hurt his ego. I tried so many things, but decided that I couldn't spend the rest of my life not getting any affection. We have a child together. The whole thing really sucked. The rejection sucked. Now, I'm happy in a relationship with a guy who wants sex as often as I do. I coparent with the ex.

While some may consider lack of sex to be petty, and look down on those who complain about it, please understand that it is worse than cheating to me. He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.


Very well said.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 11:29     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.


QFT. Very well put and succinct summation of the problem from the HD perspective. No doubt some LD spouse will come back with some bitter retort, but it's hard to argue that what you wrote isn't objectively true.


That PP you're quoting ended a relationship over it. That was the responsible thing to do if weren't compatible in that way. It also doesn't sound like they married that person but made sexual compatibility a priority BEFORE committing to a lifetime with someone.


Probably all true, but still mostly speculative on your part and does nothing to refute her point.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 11:21     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.


QFT. Very well put and succinct summation of the problem from the HD perspective. No doubt some LD spouse will come back with some bitter retort, but it's hard to argue that what you wrote isn't objectively true.


That PP you're quoting ended a relationship over it. That was the responsible thing to do if weren't compatible in that way. It also doesn't sound like they married that person but made sexual compatibility a priority BEFORE committing to a lifetime with someone.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 11:10     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.


QFT. Very well put and succinct summation of the problem from the HD perspective. No doubt some LD spouse will come back with some bitter retort, but it's hard to argue that what you wrote isn't objectively true.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 11:03     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
I ended a relationship over lack of sex. We discussed how important sex was to me. I was young and ignored the early signs of his diminishing interest in sex. He got more withdrawn when I tried to talk to him about it. Not having a high sex drive seemed to hurt his ego. I tried so many things, but decided that I couldn't spend the rest of my life not getting any affection. We have a child together. The whole thing really sucked. The rejection sucked. Now, I'm happy in a relationship with a guy who wants sex as often as I do. I coparent with the ex.

While some may consider lack of sex to be petty, and look down on those who complain about it, please understand that it is worse than cheating to me. He made a decision that we would both be celibate. If I made a unilateral decision that I would bring other men into my sex life, it would be grounds for divorce. No one would question it. It's a horrible thing to do to your spouse, and so is refusing to give affection and love. It's downright abusive.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 11:00     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Seems to be a major theme on DCUM and in real life that in many marriages there are different sex drives. Has anyone divorced solely because of the diifferent sex drives? Or was it just a sign of a larger problem? Did you have kids?


Seems like it's mostly the men complaining about the women on here. I am in the opposite situation where he withholds sex, never initiates, does not want to proceed etc. I feel like I should probably care more than I do, but I am pretty dead to everything he does at this point.


Do you have a low libido, or another sexual outlet?
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 10:57     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have to realize that there is not such thing as divorcing purely due to lack of sex.

Few couples have exactly the same libido, all the time. If your relationship was healthy, you would be able to work out some kind of compromise that you could live with. If you can't do this, that's an emotional/relationship issue, not purely a sex issue.



Just like there are no gays in Iran, right?

It only takes one partner to sicken a relationship. A spouse's unilateral refusal to have sex or even attempt to compromise on frequency is going to cause a problem. Likewise, a spouse's refusal to understand that a mom/dad that works, has small kids, etc., won't be able to do it like they do on the Playboy Channel twice a day.


Unilaterally refusing to discuss or work on ANY issue in a marriage is going to cause a problem. All these people complaining about sexless marriages just never seem to want to talk about WHY they aren't having sex. It's ALL about their deprivation, not what is going on in the other person's head. And the problems are all reduced to being 110% about lack of sex. No wonder their marriages are failing!


I don't think you have ever been in this situation, have you? The typical pattern, repeated often it seems to me, is that the spouse who would like more sex generally speaking does ask WHY they aren't having sex, and the non-interested spouse resists conversation, and when pressed answers commonly given are some combination of "I don't know"; "It's not you, it's me"; or particular complaints that, when addressed, don't actually result in more sex -- this last scenario often repeats itself. I think you should not be so judgmental, if you haven't been on the other side of this issue, you probably don't understand how painful it can be.


My husband is the lower libido spouse. When asked why he doesn't want it more often, sometimes he blames me but more often blames external things: busy with the kids, tired, etc. He's just lower drive, period.

There's a marked difference if I just wait for him to want it; it's much better. After 15+ years of trying to increase, or get him to increase, his drive, I am at the point where I realize that it's much better if I wait for his desire to build up. I'd like more than 3 or maybe 4 times a month, but the quality is poor if I push for greater frequency. Quality is poor, meaning low enthusiasm, won't turn to face me in bed - I have to come over to his side of bed. I get little foreplay. Not really enjoyable. I take care of myself in between times with him.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 10:54     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:PP, I am hot. If you saw me, you'd think my DH was the luckiest guy alive. I am hot and sexy! I've been told I look like SJP and Tamara from the OC. I have natural large tits, that many a man has sucked on. I have a super tight pussy that I keep bare. I love sex. BUT...my DH has zero drive. I think he's always been intimidated by my hotness. Guys send me drinks when I am out with him. It makes him crazy mad.

I am not model-type, as I am too short, but am a size 4. I'm no longer a 1, like I was in my 20s and 30s, but men can smell sex and I have a sexy smell to me.

Reality is, my DH has no drive, has ED, and ignores me as a result. I dress in a way that exentuates my tatas and my legs. I've always had thigh gap - and I've never worked out. And, I do have a post-baby tummy, thus my size 4.

I am not trying to brag or say I'm better. But, believe me, PP, your DH cranes his neck to see me when you are out and about as a couple.

My DH and I went to dinner the other week. I was giving him my full attnetion, but noticed he was not to me. So, I scoped the area, and had eye contact with all 4 guys at one table. Funny thing, their SOs were the ones facing me. These guys were turning around to check out me. I was the only blonde, large-tits, blue-eyes in the place. So, I am sure that helped. But, they did this all night long - about 1 - 1.5 hours that I was there.

SO, guess what, PP. I am hotter and sexier than you may decide to dine at your table next table. You should be nicer.


So your DH has ED and knows this causes friction in the relationship (and is likely very embarassing for him) and you are making eye contact with other dudes while you're out at dinner? And you dress super sexy all the time? And all your intimacy problems are DH's fault? Thanks for proving my case in point PP.

- PP that was called a naive troll for believing that a lot of you scorned spouses might be playing a role in your relationship dynamics

Read, please!
I gave him all my attention until I watched his eyes move away. THEN I did the same. I got attention; he did not. I wish he had an AP it would make sense, but he's limp-believe me!! I've always dressed sexy-ever to go grocery shopping-mini dress, heels, make up. I do it for ME!!!
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 10:45     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:PP, I am hot. If you saw me, you'd think my DH was the luckiest guy alive. I am hot and sexy! I've been told I look like SJP and Tamara from the OC. I have natural large tits, that many a man has sucked on. I have a super tight pussy that I keep bare. I love sex. BUT...my DH has zero drive. I think he's always been intimidated by my hotness. Guys send me drinks when I am out with him. It makes him crazy mad.

I am not model-type, as I am too short, but am a size 4. I'm no longer a 1, like I was in my 20s and 30s, but men can smell sex and I have a sexy smell to me.

Reality is, my DH has no drive, has ED, and ignores me as a result. I dress in a way that exentuates my tatas and my legs. I've always had thigh gap - and I've never worked out. And, I do have a post-baby tummy, thus my size 4.

I am not trying to brag or say I'm better. But, believe me, PP, your DH cranes his neck to see me when you are out and about as a couple.

My DH and I went to dinner the other week. I was giving him my full attnetion, but noticed he was not to me. So, I scoped the area, and had eye contact with all 4 guys at one table. Funny thing, their SOs were the ones facing me. These guys were turning around to check out me. I was the only blonde, large-tits, blue-eyes in the place. So, I am sure that helped. But, they did this all night long - about 1 - 1.5 hours that I was there.

SO, guess what, PP. I am hotter and sexier than you may decide to dine at your table next table. You should be nicer.


Or maybe you're not...SJP looks like a horse quite frankly...and maybe it's just your way of dressing slutty that gets attention....butter face if you will...maybe he has an incredible sex drive but it is spent on his AP and not wasted on a narcissist such as yourself.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 10:34     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:PP, I am hot. If you saw me, you'd think my DH was the luckiest guy alive. I am hot and sexy! I've been told I look like SJP and Tamara from the OC. I have natural large tits, that many a man has sucked on. I have a super tight pussy that I keep bare. I love sex. BUT...my DH has zero drive. I think he's always been intimidated by my hotness. Guys send me drinks when I am out with him. It makes him crazy mad.

I am not model-type, as I am too short, but am a size 4. I'm no longer a 1, like I was in my 20s and 30s, but men can smell sex and I have a sexy smell to me.

Reality is, my DH has no drive, has ED, and ignores me as a result. I dress in a way that exentuates my tatas and my legs. I've always had thigh gap - and I've never worked out. And, I do have a post-baby tummy, thus my size 4.

I am not trying to brag or say I'm better. But, believe me, PP, your DH cranes his neck to see me when you are out and about as a couple.

My DH and I went to dinner the other week. I was giving him my full attnetion, but noticed he was not to me. So, I scoped the area, and had eye contact with all 4 guys at one table. Funny thing, their SOs were the ones facing me. These guys were turning around to check out me. I was the only blonde, large-tits, blue-eyes in the place. So, I am sure that helped. But, they did this all night long - about 1 - 1.5 hours that I was there.

SO, guess what, PP. I am hotter and sexier than you may decide to dine at your table next table. You should be nicer.


I believe you. I am an attractive and successful man who is married to a very low libido woman. It's hard not to internalize the rejection, but what makes it sting less is getting the attention from people outside your marriage. As hard as it is for men to deal with rejection (I think the physical symptoms are tougher), I think its worse for women because someone as sexy as you gets tons of attention from men.

Stay sexy, there are those of us who love the flirtation to keep us sane.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 10:28     Subject: Anyone divorce your spouse just because of lack of sex?
Anonymous wrote:PP, I am hot. If you saw me, you'd think my DH was the luckiest guy alive. I am hot and sexy! I've been told I look like SJP and Tamara from the OC. I have natural large tits, that many a man has sucked on. I have a super tight pussy that I keep bare. I love sex. BUT...my DH has zero drive. I think he's always been intimidated by my hotness. Guys send me drinks when I am out with him. It makes him crazy mad.

I am not model-type, as I am too short, but am a size 4. I'm no longer a 1, like I was in my 20s and 30s, but men can smell sex and I have a sexy smell to me.

Reality is, my DH has no drive, has ED, and ignores me as a result. I dress in a way that exentuates my tatas and my legs. I've always had thigh gap - and I've never worked out. And, I do have a post-baby tummy, thus my size 4.

I am not trying to brag or say I'm better. But, believe me, PP, your DH cranes his neck to see me when you are out and about as a couple.

My DH and I went to dinner the other week. I was giving him my full attnetion, but noticed he was not to me. So, I scoped the area, and had eye contact with all 4 guys at one table. Funny thing, their SOs were the ones facing me. These guys were turning around to check out me. I was the only blonde, large-tits, blue-eyes in the place. So, I am sure that helped. But, they did this all night long - about 1 - 1.5 hours that I was there.

SO, guess what, PP. I am hotter and sexier than you may decide to dine at your table next table. You should be nicer.


So your DH has ED and knows this causes friction in the relationship (and is likely very embarassing for him) and you are making eye contact with other dudes while you're out at dinner? And you dress super sexy all the time? And all your intimacy problems are DH's fault? Thanks for proving my case in point PP.

- PP that was called a naive troll for believing that a lot of you scorned spouses might be playing a role in your relationship dynamics