TL;DR - OP your gut is obviously not ok with the information you have right now. Contrary to what you may hear and read, there are many very decent men out there who will not cause gnawing feelings of unease. Find the strength to pass on this one. There is almost always more to the story than you are being told.

The long version:
I recently got out of a relationship with a man who had one previous domestic "incident". When he told me the story, he did a great job of minimizing his role (she flipped out on him etc. etc.), which I gather is the story he gave his cop buddies (he's an ex DC cop) so SHE was arrested since he had a cut on his forehead.

Although he could be verbally and emotionally abusive, I never felt that I was in danger around him. In fact, I stayed with him far longer than I should have partly because his strength and confidence made me feel very safe.

One night during an argument he pinned me to the sofa and with one arm held me in place by my neck for what felt like 10 minutes, but was probably less. I scratched the f*ck out of his arms and fingers but couldn't move. The bruises on my neck only lasted a couple of days.

All outward appearances indicate an upbeat, fun-loving, ambitious guy who's ready to settle down with the right woman. Turns out he had previously had to attend mandatory anger-management counseling after his prior incident, but of course he has no record. I wish he had to wear a brand for the rest of his life.

Anonymous wrote:How did the conversation go, OP?

OP here. So I spoke to him over the weekend. He was not angry or even bothered that I looked up his record. He was open about what happened both times. He said he didn't beat anyone up, he stayed with the women in both cases (though that wasn't super compelling to me), he's still friends with the second, and since the second incident nothing else happened.

First case was dismissed. He got convicted on the second because he didn't have an attorney and he thought the case was so ridiculous it was going to be thrown out. He said he should have pressed charges against her since she threatened him with a weapon but he didn't. He was the one who called the police, not her.

All that said, I don't think he has a DV problem per se, but probably has an anger problem. Now that I have at least more basic information I can talk to my therapist and continue to just see how it goes. It's not the end of the conversation by any means. I'm well aware some people here are not going to like my decision.

OP, please gather more info on him. Back when I was 19, my girlfriend at the time had made false reports of DV. She was an extremely jealous person that said I could not be friends with anyone unless she approved.

Well guess what, the only people she approved of were her parents and her younger brother. She has two sisters and an older brother that she didn't approve of because they are older than me. So I ditched my family and friends because I was blinded by love.

So about a year after being with her, I had her brother over for some drinks without her consent. She came home and flipped out, hit me in my mouth with a hand size rock, smacked my vehicle and her brothers vehicle with a shovel and the called the cops on me for DV when I didn't lay a hand on her.

The police came and decided with her, even though her brother was my witness, and I was arrested and spent 3 days in jail. Two months after the first incident, my father passed away. My ex g/f sister bought me flowers for my father's funeral as caring gesture. Well my ex g/f got jealous, threw the flowers away at the funeral home, accused me of sleeping with her sister and then called the county police to tell them I assaulted her. Thankfully the police were nice enough to arrest me after the services. I again spent 3 days in jail.

The day I got out of jail, I went to our apartment and told her to get the fuck out or I will call the police. Well what do you know, she called the police before I could and told them I was beating her. County shows up (same officer that arrested me three days prior) and told her she needs to leave my apartment or she will be arrested for trespassing and false allegations.

The first DV stuck and the other one was dropped. This bitch ruined my life (at the time) over lies. Thankfully for me she moved out of state.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird to see this thread next to the one claiming that women don't like bad boys.

It's only weird to a pathetic MRA troll who can't get laid and thinks a woman saying that she might break up with a guy for a history of domestic violence is proof of success with women.

You really are sad and desperate

Yeah, well, it looks like cognitive dissonance to me. I'm not an MRA. I'm a nice guy who's never been violent, domestically or otherwise, to a woman and sees women get all twisted into knots about douche bags like OP's man.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that generally, if a person has an actual domestic violence CHARGE, it is probably a pretty good bet that that person has a history of violence. It could be an indication of a fucked up relationship overall in which he was also a victim, but it's not particularly easy to have a domestic violence charge stick such that it would be on a record. I would take it seriously. It does not sound like he has offered you any kind of explanation, change of heart, life circumstances sob story that would make you feel better about it.

My husband freely admits that when he was younger, he had anger management issues. He never hurt a girlfriend, but as someone who has been in a physically abusive relationship, his anger made me really uncomfortable. He recognizes this and goes out of his way to keep his temper, because he says that someone who scares his wife, even if not threatening her directly, is not someone he wants to be.

Be very careful.

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

Hey OP, This last message had me worried too. You say you are in the early stages of getting to know him, this is usually when people are on their very best behavior. The fact that he has already gotten visibly angry in front of you in a scary manner is really, really worrisome. It's just going to get harder and harder to extract yourself from the relationship the longer this goes on. You need to consider how you are going to be feeling down the road when inevitably he loses his temper with increasing frequency. If you do make the decision to end things now (and I hope you do), be careful- you may see a bigger, scarier side of him when he is faced with rejection. Protect yourself!

Anonymous wrote:Weird to see this thread next to the one claiming that women don't like bad boys.

It's only weird to a pathetic MRA troll who can't get laid and thinks a woman saying that she might break up with a guy for a history of domestic violence is proof of success with women.

You really are sad and desperate

Weird to see this thread next to the one claiming that women don't like bad boys.

the answer to this question is always no

RUN!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My God. No! Most men are taught from a very eat age not to hit girls. Run as fast as you can.

Unfortunately most women aren't taught that it's wrong to lie to police and judges and accuse falsely accuse men of domestic violence, but it happens more than you want to believe.

I'm sorry you're so miserable. Maybe one day you can find happiness.

Anonymous wrote:My God. No! Most men are taught from a very eat age not to hit girls. Run as fast as you can.

Unfortunately most women aren't taught that it's wrong to lie to police and judges and accuse falsely accuse men of domestic violence, but it happens more than you want to believe.

How did the conversation go, OP?

For fuck's sake, run. You do not need this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Thank you for the thoughtful response. I do take it seriously. We are very early in getting to know each other but have become close very quickly. It was a suspended sentence. The first charge, to answer PP's question, was in the 1990s. I have only seen a glimpse of him getting angry and it was a little scary but it was not directed at me. So, I have a lot to think about.

Can you tell us about the incident where he got mad at someone?

To answer this question (and some of the others), he got angry about his phone while we were in the car together and starting swerving and raising his voice. He's in his early 40s, so last incident was in his 30s. I have seen no other signs of controlling or belittling or isolating behavior. I recently came out of a emotionally abusive relationship, so this looks and feels much, much better. I 100% admit to having problems maintaining good relationships btw.

Thank you so much to those who opened up about past histories of DV. That has the most weight to me right now.

I think my therapist knows I need to make my own decision on this. I've talked to all of my friends about it, my therapist, and DCUM. I was up last night thinking about it. I will speak to him about it, I don't think I can wait anymore, even if it's uncomfortable.

Good luck. Let us know how the conversation goes.

No question, leave him. In fact, I would never speak to him again, except to say goodbye. Done. Move on.